Ever notice how lawns are the perfect analogy for patriarchy? And the perfect rebuttal to historical essentialism?

No? Well.... now you will. #smashthelawniarchy

A few years ago New York Times journalist Nellie Bowles followed Jordan Peterson around for two days to write an article about him.

Nellie was backstage as the professor-turned-manhood-guru gave a lecture to thousands of his fans.

He began stoically pacing as he took the stage in his old-fashioned suit and grey gelled hair, telling his audience that to know how to move forward, we must look back. “Look back to the 1950s… back even further.”

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“You are smart,” he tells them. He says he is not going to tell them anything new but help them remember the ancient wisdom they already know and feel in their bones.

What is this ancient bone wisdom?

The inevitability of patriarchy.

The fact that men have always been in charge is proof that men should always be in charge.

Of their two days together Nellie said, “Wherever he goes, he speaks in sermons about the inevitability of who we must be….. In Mr. Peterson’s world, order is masculine. Chaos is feminine…. Hence his new book’s subtitle: “An Antidote to Chaos.”¹

In response to pushback that chaos is feminine Peterson told Nellie,

“Well, it might be unfortunate, but it doesn’t matter because that is how it’s represented. It’s been represented like that forever. And there are reasons for it. You can’t change it. It’s not possible. This is underneath everything.”

Sorry, can’t change the patriarchy. It is simply the natural order as evidenced by … *waves hand* its existence.

But who cares what one rocker-less old fart thinks? Why waste my precious finger strength typing up his quotes?

Well. It turns out a LOT of people care what this particular old fart thinks.

His book 12 Rules for Life is Amazon’s most read and most sold nonfiction book. New York Times columnist David Brooks called him “the most influential public intellectual in the Western world right now.”²

Plus Jordan Peterson is far from the only member of the “the way it has been is the way it must be” club. I see historical essentialism brought up everywhere gender roles are discussed.

So we do in fact need to point out that just because something has existed for a long time doesn’t mean that its existence is inevitable or necessary.

Which brings us to lawns.

Our curious worship of Kentucky Bluegrass 

The first time I met our neighbor, he oriented me to the neighborhood by describing our fellow street-dwellers: “That’s Jerry’s house, always keeps a nice lawn. I’m not sure who lives in that one, but their grass is always dead.” *raises eyebrows

I nodded at the raised eyebrows as though I too believe a neglected lawn is cause for disgrace, but as I nodded liquid dread filled my belly.

I could see some future point when our neighbor would point to our house and proclaim, “The Davises live here. You can clearly see by the state of their lawn what kind of immoral miscreants they are.”

Lawns were a primary reason I was not excited for home ownership. I saw all my friends devoting hours each weekend to mowing, weeding, watering and edge trimming. I saw the stress and embarrassment over lawn negligence.

I didn’t want to exert our precious time, energy, stress or money to our lawn.

But…. we do.

Ok ok my husband does (#genderrolesareessential), but he is just as grumbly about the lawniarchy as I am. We’re both die hard ferninists.

And yet we too pay our tithe to our Kentucky Bluegrass god.

Why?

What could possibly cause such widespread obedience?

Surely only something that holds deep historical significance to the human race, to the world, to all that is right and good could spark such devotion.

The very important, very necessary first lawn

Once upon a time there lived a very humble, unassuming fellow named King Louis the XIV. Or as he liked to refer to himself, the Sun God.

One of Louis’s rivals friends, a man by the name of Nicolas Fouquet, built himself a lavish chateau called Vaux-le-Vicomte. The lavish-est of the day in fact.

Upon seeing the grand palace, King Louis, being the agreeable chap he was, had no choice but to arrest and imprison his friend Fouquet, seize his land and assets and build his own palace patterned exactly after his friend’s. Only bigger and more elaborate.³

He called this new bigger, better palace Versailles. The grounds of Versailles include the first historical record we have of a non-food-producing, non-natural, non-grazing, purely ornamental field. Or as King Louis called it: “tapis-vert” or “green carpet.”

But this new grass unfortunately did not come by its carpet-like good looks naturally, and had to be maintained by servants who walked the field weeding and cutting it with scythes.

There’s that green carpet. Hubba hubba.

“It is legal because I wish it.” - King Louis XIV

Soon other servant-owning aristocrats also wished to let it be known that instead of sharing their surplus of land, water and human labor, they too would like to dedicate large swaths of earth to human vanity.

And once lawn mowers were invented in the 19th century- destroying natural ecosystems was no longer reserved for the upper class! Plebeians, peasants and yes even you too can transform what was once life-giving into harmful decoration!

Equality!

But it must be somehow necessary?

But wait. We’re smart, capable humans. Why would we dedicate ourselves so faithfully to unhealthy heirlooms of human egoism?

To have this lasting power, it must be good or necessary for us somehow….

*cracks knuckles in preparation to clear the fog of lawn indoctrination*

Not only are lawns not necessary, not only do they take up whole Saturdays with their neediness, they are also ruining the earth!

Grass facts!

When humans move in, they destroy the existing plant and wild life habitats in favor of monocultural non-native invasive plants (Kentucky Bluegrass and her cousins).

Kentucky Bluegrass has no business being in America at all. It is native to Europe and North Asia. Despite this, it is now found all over the world, on all seven continents.

The upkeep of this non-native species requires pesticides and fertilizers which harm local wildlife further and contaminate water sources.

More land and water are devoted to lawns in the US than corn and wheat COMBINED.

And for some reason we think green grass should be plentiful even in the desert. According to a NASA study- around 200 gallons of water per person per day is required to keep US lawns green all year.

A full third of all of our clean, drinkable water is used on lawns.

We spend tens of billions of dollars a year on lawn maintenance.

All because a French dude 400 years ago wanted to one up his friend.

Despite having no historical significance, despite the immense environmental harm, despite the extensive human and financial resources required for upkeep, still STILL we keep dutifully slogging over our lawn care.

Lawns prove that just because something 1. began for no good reason and 2. harms everyone does not mean we won’t devote ourselves religiously to it.

BUT NOT ALL LAWNS!

Wait a second….

• A system that originated by a few men competing with each other for power and status?

• A system that takes something natural, claims ownership over it, then bends it into submission via by enforcing outlandish beauty standards?

• A system that uses the legal system, but even without laws, maintains itself just fine through social rewards and punishments?

• A system that harms and uses both men and women alike?

Why does this sound so familiar????

Lawns are the perfect analogy for patriarchy.

Notice that the critique of lawns is not a criticism of all plant life. Notice that all plants suffer because of lawns.

Notice that lawns did not begin with a group meeting of all earth’s men twisting evilly their mustaches as they plan to rape Mother Earth and force her to be pretty for them. Notice it is also not all men villainously scheming to maintain the ongoing upkeep of lawns.

Notice that a system that allowed for the greediest, most selfish men to take power made this possible.

Notice how the blame is not on all lawns or all men, but on a system set up to reward the withholding of resources and inequality.

Notice how we all suffer at the hands of this system we all uphold.

Notice how men and women alike participate in the ongoing subjugation and ornamentation of Mother Nature. We judge our neighbors when they don’t. We form committees like HOAs and city ordinances to ensure that everyone upholds the lawniarchy.

The patriarchy legacy runs DEEP

If the historical impact of something as relatively silly and insignificant as lawn care somehow manages to illicit our devotion, what happens with something not at all silly or insignificant?

Men. Women. Marriage. Work. Purpose. Rule. Power.

The longer the history, the more unquestioned it becomes.

How long has patriarchy ruled?

We can’t be sure. But the earliest written records we have are from Assyria, around 3000 BC.

Here’s are some quotes from humankind’s earliest written laws:

From the rule of Urukagina:

“If a woman speaks disrespectfully to a man, that woman's mouth is crushed with a fired brick."⁴

From Middle Assyrian law 59:

“A man may scourge his wife, pluck her hair, may bruise and destroy her ears. There is no liability therefore. These actions could be carried out in private, but any legally inflicted punishment such as 'tearing out of the breasts, cutting off of the nose and ears must be carried out by an official."

From Middle Assyrian Law 55:

“If a married man rapes a virgin who lives in her father's house... the father of the virgin shall take the wife of the ravisher and give HER to be dishonored. He shall not give her back to her husband, but shall take her. The father shall take his daughter who has been ravished as a spouse of the ravisher.”⁵

From our earliest writing, women were the property of men.

If we can’t even push back on lawn care traditions without fear of isolation and judgment - what hope do we have against something as deep set as patriarchy?

Sprinkle in God’s will for extra lasting power

These laws of Middle Assyria aren’t only significant because they are old. They also provide the background to the three largest religions of the world today: Islam, Christianity and Judaism.

The first five books of the Moses (present in the Quran, the Torah and the Bible) were written and compiled in this time period, in this place, under these laws.

Assigning God’s will to human behavior is like pouring quick cement onto its lasting power.

The historical significance of believing that it is God’s will for men to rule over women cannot be overstated.

Just last week Afghanistan passed new laws against women. In addition to not being able to show any inch of skin in public, not even their eyes, in addition to banishment from education beyond elementary school and not being able to leave the house without a male escort, it is now illegal for an Afghan woman to use her voice in public.

The new law prohibits women from singing, reading or speaking in public.

Some Gen Z Advice for Jordan Peterson

Jordan Peterson told Nellie Bowles that men should be in charge because they always have been. They always have been because they are better at it. He told her that patriarchy “is predicated on competence.”

But history is not a testament to competence. History is a testament to power, competition and hoarding resources.

So Jordan Peterson, as the young people say- go touch some grass.

1. Source: Jordan Peterson: Custodian of the Patriarchy

2. Source: For The Love of Men.

3. He also had no choice but to transfer all of Fouquet’s artisans, furniture and art to his new palace called Versailles.

4. All Assyrian law quotes are from Gerda Lerner’s The Creation of Patriarchy book.

5. Translation: to punish a rapist- the father of the raped gets to rape the rapist’s wife. Then own marry her. Ie: men are punished not for harming women but for taking another man’s property. The victim is never the woman but the man whose property (wife or daughter) was stolen.