I think masturbation needs to be part of this discussion. It was immensely freeing to discover I could give myself an orgasm. It helped me understand my body, what gets me excited and gets me off. Everyone should be gifted with a vibrator. It should be a rite of passage. A big part of why this doesn’t happen is patriarchal fears that women will center ourselves, assisted by vibrators, instead of men in our sex life.
This post made my day! I so enjoy how your writing really makes me think ”a-hah!” As a long time feminist who has lived through rape and many sexual encounters that could or may not have been consensual, I realized a few years ago that I had trouble identifying what was what. Being raped at 12 by a family member and raped at 19 by a so called friend, the very knowledge of orgasm completely escaped me, even though I experienced sexual self pleasure as a kid. A good friend had to force the issue of calling rape “rape”, so immersed was I in equating rape with sex. So immersed was I in giving up my power to define sex that I wanted.
Now 30 years into a wonderful marriage and 77 years old, my partner and I go into sexual pleasure with new acceptance and expectation. Much of his joy comes from pleasing me. We both want to continue to have sexual pleasure. Many people we know our age and younger don’t. Your article shined a light on how we still live in a patriarchal world that defines sex as Intercourse.
It took someone commenting on a piece I wrote here on Substack to realize I had been raped by my husband. When I first read it, I thought, "no, no, that wasn't rape, he was my husband."
It's been pretty shocking for me to realize just how internalized so much of what you are naming here is, and how much of it continues to lurk inside me. I absolutely thought i did not like sex. Now that I'm divorced, I've been doing a deep dive into my own relationship with my body and my sexuality, separate from relationships. I highly recommend Kim Anami (Orgasmic Enlightenment) and Dan Savage, sex columnist, who points out that, when two men are having sex, the first question is "What are you into?" Queer and kink communities have so much to teach us, and honestly wonder how many people who think they are "heterosexual" really are, or if that's just more conditioning. I am absolutely loving discovering my turn ons, and can't believe it's taken me being in my 50s and being on my own to live into this part of myself.
avalon, I'm so sorry that happened to you. I love that you're taking the time to think about your own relationship with your body and desire, especially in middle age when I think it's an easy time for women to feel like they should just put themselves on the shelf. Inspiring.
I will never forget the feeling of being asked “how do you like to be touched?” By someone who deeply cared about my experience and realizing I had no answer to that question.
It's a hard question! And even when men say "what do you like" I often think more of a feeling, like being adored (as the article discusses) rather than a series of physical touches--like a map--to my orgasm.
What a beautiful exchange. The very fact that he asked you, and that you felt comfortable/safe enough to express that deeper desire is amazing in a relationship!❤️
Yes! The 360-degree orientation away from male orgasm to female adoration is quite the journey. Love that you share your ability to say "To be adored" to your husband; it's possible and the rewards are so worth it. We've been married for 40 years and sex has never been better.
The book "Technology of Orgasm" points out many women have unresolved rape or abuse traumas that may make it hard to enjoy sex.
And there's still so much discourse in the "lie on your back and think of England!" vein. If women are told it's their duty to service their husband whether or not they enjoy it, small wonder they don't have many orgasms.
Or consider "When Harry Met Sally." The point of Meg Ryan's public orgasm is ROFL, Billy Crystal isn't as good a lover as he thinks. No thought to spare for the women who had to fake it, that's just the way things go.
Spot on. It is pretty typical for my post-religious clients to be detoxing patriarchal sexual relationships. Either after a divorce or inside a marriage. Very much how you describe here. Which can be very disruptive, painful and difficult. But with very rewarding results. I went through this myself in my own marriage (mostly in my own brain) it changed everything for me!
It really is a wildly different thing just showing up for your husband vs showing up for a totally mutual fun and pleasurable experience with a partner you enjoy. As you say, creating a situation where, “Women would feel equal freedom to be the desirer…” Never saw that coming.
“There would be no pressure to perform, only to be present. Only to enjoy. Only to have fun. Only to rejoice in each other and yourself.”
This is key and it is very possible! Women don’t give up ❤️ Men feel the pressure too, to perform, to “finish”. When that is taken off the table as a requirement, it is way more fun for both people.
Well, I can't exactly say I read everything here all the way through. And I surely am rooting' for all my straight sisters out there! But mostly, y'all just make me sooooo grateful I'm a lesbian. And it's not about hating men-- It's because I just love women. I came out when I was 29 and sex has just been a whole other ballgame ever since. Now, I don't know what it would be like to be a woman who is romantically and sexually attracted to men to check out "playing for the other team" as they say, because for me it's always been about so much more than just the physicality of the sex act. I really love women- not all of them, all of the time-- but I can say that when it comes to men, none of "THAT" is there for me--. Women are just . . .wow. So I'm glad we're all working on our sexual mojos, because we all deserve genuine pleasure and joy. You go, girls--
This is completely mind blowing: ‘You saying no to sex is actually you saying no to patriarchy because those things are inseparable in your mind. You need to separate patriarchy from sex. Sex is not just for men. Sex is for you.'
I remember my Mormon mother saying that she once rebuffed my father when he wanted sex because they were arguing. He gave her the silent treatment for weeks and she never rebuffed him again. She shared this as a lesson for me and my sisters. "Always make yourself sexually available to your husband, regardless of your feelings." Patriarchy is so intertwined with sex as to be inseparable.
This makes me so incredibly sad. I'm 71 now, and have never really enjoyed sex, for all the reasons mentioned in the article. On top of that, I was raised by a narcissist, and so have never been able to feel anything but shame and disgust about my own body. The idea of expecting to be thought attractive is totally foreign to me. I have given up on the possibility of ever being truly loved by a man.
Best place to start is to truly love yourself from the inside out and the outside in. That is the best place to feel love. Then you will know if it is unconditional love coming from another person. Let the god, or spirit, or whatever your belief is, love you from within. I know this from experience. I’m in my late sixties. It took quite a while. Now that I know this, and feel this. The love of a man is not necessary. It would be gravy in my life, but not the meat or potatoes. ❤️
Same. Wish I hadn't read this. Makes me examine things I would rather forget b/c at this age there is little or no opportunity to fix anything. We were born & lived in that world.
Healing hard things doesn’t have to take a long time. What took a long time was mustering the courage to face stuff. I also didn’t do this alone. I had help from talented therapists and coaches. Once I made the commitment to myself to heal everything, the healing was fast. Sometimes instantaneous. Honesty with the feelings and allowing them to be there. I don’t recommend healing hard stuff on your own. Help and support is important. The other side of healing is love from the inside and a more peaceful and joyous life with gratitude.
It has been such a gift, as a newly-ish divorced woman, to be able to enjoy sex outside the context of marriage. Especially with a man who does not want to climax every time we are intimate. It also forces me to challenge my own conditioning — it’s still hard for me not to worry that I didn’t “do my job” if he doesn’t have an orgasm. But it’s a challenge I’ll gladly accept.
When I was 25 I made the executive decision I was never going to center male pleasure again and I am happy to say my then boyfriend and now husband has centered me for 13 years. I didn’t know how to talk about sex at all, and I think we underestimate how important it is to feel safe with our partner. I read a book where they did comfort checks throughout. I wish I could go back to the sexual encounters before him because I hate how much I didn’t say to advocate for myself but I know it was the patriarchy getting in my way!
I think masturbation needs to be part of this discussion. It was immensely freeing to discover I could give myself an orgasm. It helped me understand my body, what gets me excited and gets me off. Everyone should be gifted with a vibrator. It should be a rite of passage. A big part of why this doesn’t happen is patriarchal fears that women will center ourselves, assisted by vibrators, instead of men in our sex life.
Agree! I think it's a huge green flag when men welcome (or even suggest!) this in the bedroom as part of the act.
AMEN 💯
This post made my day! I so enjoy how your writing really makes me think ”a-hah!” As a long time feminist who has lived through rape and many sexual encounters that could or may not have been consensual, I realized a few years ago that I had trouble identifying what was what. Being raped at 12 by a family member and raped at 19 by a so called friend, the very knowledge of orgasm completely escaped me, even though I experienced sexual self pleasure as a kid. A good friend had to force the issue of calling rape “rape”, so immersed was I in equating rape with sex. So immersed was I in giving up my power to define sex that I wanted.
Now 30 years into a wonderful marriage and 77 years old, my partner and I go into sexual pleasure with new acceptance and expectation. Much of his joy comes from pleasing me. We both want to continue to have sexual pleasure. Many people we know our age and younger don’t. Your article shined a light on how we still live in a patriarchal world that defines sex as Intercourse.
Thank you for being and writing.
Ah, reminds me of a saying about animals......"does not breed well in captivity". I remember thinking about that as a younger woman.
Absolutely
It took someone commenting on a piece I wrote here on Substack to realize I had been raped by my husband. When I first read it, I thought, "no, no, that wasn't rape, he was my husband."
It's been pretty shocking for me to realize just how internalized so much of what you are naming here is, and how much of it continues to lurk inside me. I absolutely thought i did not like sex. Now that I'm divorced, I've been doing a deep dive into my own relationship with my body and my sexuality, separate from relationships. I highly recommend Kim Anami (Orgasmic Enlightenment) and Dan Savage, sex columnist, who points out that, when two men are having sex, the first question is "What are you into?" Queer and kink communities have so much to teach us, and honestly wonder how many people who think they are "heterosexual" really are, or if that's just more conditioning. I am absolutely loving discovering my turn ons, and can't believe it's taken me being in my 50s and being on my own to live into this part of myself.
avalon, I'm so sorry that happened to you. I love that you're taking the time to think about your own relationship with your body and desire, especially in middle age when I think it's an easy time for women to feel like they should just put themselves on the shelf. Inspiring.
I will never forget the feeling of being asked “how do you like to be touched?” By someone who deeply cared about my experience and realizing I had no answer to that question.
It's a hard question! And even when men say "what do you like" I often think more of a feeling, like being adored (as the article discusses) rather than a series of physical touches--like a map--to my orgasm.
I can't help myself, sorry. This set of comments reminded me of this scene from Peter Cook's and Dudley Moore's 1967 movie, Bedazzled:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LmN1dTCRclU
"...adoration is the goal, everyone’s desires matter immensely."
👏 ❤️👏
Being known, and experiencing pleasure within safety and trust, is everyone's right.
Great post!
Adoration is 100% the goal! I've absolutely said that to my husband when he asks what I want to be in bed. "To be adored."
What a beautiful exchange. The very fact that he asked you, and that you felt comfortable/safe enough to express that deeper desire is amazing in a relationship!❤️
Yes! The 360-degree orientation away from male orgasm to female adoration is quite the journey. Love that you share your ability to say "To be adored" to your husband; it's possible and the rewards are so worth it. We've been married for 40 years and sex has never been better.
I put my reply in the wrong place. Apologies for the duplication. I wrote:
---------------------------------------------
I can't help myself, sorry. This set of comments reminded me of this scene from Peter Cook's and Dudley Moore's 1967 movie, Bedazzled:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LmN1dTCRclU
The book "Technology of Orgasm" points out many women have unresolved rape or abuse traumas that may make it hard to enjoy sex.
And there's still so much discourse in the "lie on your back and think of England!" vein. If women are told it's their duty to service their husband whether or not they enjoy it, small wonder they don't have many orgasms.
Or consider "When Harry Met Sally." The point of Meg Ryan's public orgasm is ROFL, Billy Crystal isn't as good a lover as he thinks. No thought to spare for the women who had to fake it, that's just the way things go.
Spot on. It is pretty typical for my post-religious clients to be detoxing patriarchal sexual relationships. Either after a divorce or inside a marriage. Very much how you describe here. Which can be very disruptive, painful and difficult. But with very rewarding results. I went through this myself in my own marriage (mostly in my own brain) it changed everything for me!
It really is a wildly different thing just showing up for your husband vs showing up for a totally mutual fun and pleasurable experience with a partner you enjoy. As you say, creating a situation where, “Women would feel equal freedom to be the desirer…” Never saw that coming.
“There would be no pressure to perform, only to be present. Only to enjoy. Only to have fun. Only to rejoice in each other and yourself.”
This is key and it is very possible! Women don’t give up ❤️ Men feel the pressure too, to perform, to “finish”. When that is taken off the table as a requirement, it is way more fun for both people.
Well, I can't exactly say I read everything here all the way through. And I surely am rooting' for all my straight sisters out there! But mostly, y'all just make me sooooo grateful I'm a lesbian. And it's not about hating men-- It's because I just love women. I came out when I was 29 and sex has just been a whole other ballgame ever since. Now, I don't know what it would be like to be a woman who is romantically and sexually attracted to men to check out "playing for the other team" as they say, because for me it's always been about so much more than just the physicality of the sex act. I really love women- not all of them, all of the time-- but I can say that when it comes to men, none of "THAT" is there for me--. Women are just . . .wow. So I'm glad we're all working on our sexual mojos, because we all deserve genuine pleasure and joy. You go, girls--
This is completely mind blowing: ‘You saying no to sex is actually you saying no to patriarchy because those things are inseparable in your mind. You need to separate patriarchy from sex. Sex is not just for men. Sex is for you.'
I remember my Mormon mother saying that she once rebuffed my father when he wanted sex because they were arguing. He gave her the silent treatment for weeks and she never rebuffed him again. She shared this as a lesson for me and my sisters. "Always make yourself sexually available to your husband, regardless of your feelings." Patriarchy is so intertwined with sex as to be inseparable.
This post sends electric tingles down my spine, it is so powerful and pulls the cover off of something so stark and obvious. Thank you!
This makes me so incredibly sad. I'm 71 now, and have never really enjoyed sex, for all the reasons mentioned in the article. On top of that, I was raised by a narcissist, and so have never been able to feel anything but shame and disgust about my own body. The idea of expecting to be thought attractive is totally foreign to me. I have given up on the possibility of ever being truly loved by a man.
Best place to start is to truly love yourself from the inside out and the outside in. That is the best place to feel love. Then you will know if it is unconditional love coming from another person. Let the god, or spirit, or whatever your belief is, love you from within. I know this from experience. I’m in my late sixties. It took quite a while. Now that I know this, and feel this. The love of a man is not necessary. It would be gravy in my life, but not the meat or potatoes. ❤️
Same. Wish I hadn't read this. Makes me examine things I would rather forget b/c at this age there is little or no opportunity to fix anything. We were born & lived in that world.
Healing hard things doesn’t have to take a long time. What took a long time was mustering the courage to face stuff. I also didn’t do this alone. I had help from talented therapists and coaches. Once I made the commitment to myself to heal everything, the healing was fast. Sometimes instantaneous. Honesty with the feelings and allowing them to be there. I don’t recommend healing hard stuff on your own. Help and support is important. The other side of healing is love from the inside and a more peaceful and joyous life with gratitude.
Thanks for this, makes lots of sense for me... and well overdue hey.
It has been such a gift, as a newly-ish divorced woman, to be able to enjoy sex outside the context of marriage. Especially with a man who does not want to climax every time we are intimate. It also forces me to challenge my own conditioning — it’s still hard for me not to worry that I didn’t “do my job” if he doesn’t have an orgasm. But it’s a challenge I’ll gladly accept.
When I was 25 I made the executive decision I was never going to center male pleasure again and I am happy to say my then boyfriend and now husband has centered me for 13 years. I didn’t know how to talk about sex at all, and I think we underestimate how important it is to feel safe with our partner. I read a book where they did comfort checks throughout. I wish I could go back to the sexual encounters before him because I hate how much I didn’t say to advocate for myself but I know it was the patriarchy getting in my way!