The crucial distinction we keep leaving out of masculinity discussions
The crucial distinction we keep leaving out of masculinity discussions
If there is any hope for productive discourse, we must make a crystal clear distinction between maleness and patriarchal masculinity.
This week an article in the New York Times dropped called “We Can Do Better Than Positive Masculinity” by
.Before I even clicked in, I could already hear the collective sigh the article would spark for many: Here we go…. everything is masculinity’s fault and now we can’t even have POSITIVE masculinity?!?! Sigh.
My sigh premonition was onto something. As I read through a Reddit thread discussing Whippman’s article, many were clearly frustrated with the demonization of masculinity:
“Just as women are allowed to be proud of their femininity, men should be allowed to be proud of their masculinity.”
“Beyond frustrating when ‘being a man’ and ‘being a good person’ are framed as total opposites.”
“We’ll never make any progress with young boys as long as they feel like we’re telling them they NEED to shed their shameful toxicity badge acquired on day one at the hospital when the doctor marked M on their birth certificate.”
And honestly? They’re right.
These are all great points.
I have two sons. I don’t want them to feel even a lick of shame that they were born male. I don’t want them to feel doomed or debased by their maleness. I don’t want them to feel that the heavy weight of generations of patriarchal sins is theirs to carry just because they happen to have a y chromosome.
I want them to rejoice in their maleness, to feel free to be masculine, pursue whatever manly pursuits bring them joy.
And.
I also want them to be free to… not be masculine. And free to pursue non-masculine pursuits. I want them to know that patriarchy makes this part very difficult.
I also want them to be well versed in how common the mistreatment of women is under patriarchal masculinity. I want them to like women and to respect women as equals.
I want to be able to talk to them openly about patriarchy and the pressures they will face as boys and men in a patriarchal society without them feeling there is something inherently shameful about their maleness.
In order to successfully navigate this- we must make the distinctions between maleness, masculinity and patriarchal masculinity crystal clear.
The crucial difference between maleness and patriarchal masculinity
Maleness= being a male.
Masculinity= attributes, behaviors and roles regarded as characteristic of men or boys (ex: strength, leadership, assertiveness, independence, courage)
Patriarchal Masculinity= the social pressure for men and boys to only perform behaviors, attitudes and roles considered masculine and shun any behavior, attitude or role considered feminine.
Patriarchy= “the rule of the father”- the political-social system we’ve been living under for centuries that holds that men are inherently dominant and superior to women; endowed with the right to rule in government, business, religion, relationships, marriage and family life.
There is nothing wrong with maleness. It should be celebrated and honored.
There is nothing wrong with masculinity and displaying masculine attributes like strength and courage.
There is something wrong with patriarchal masculinity. There is something very wrong with patriarchy.
A key difference between maleness and patriarchal masculinity is that maleness does not have to be earned or proven. It cannot be taken away. It is not fragile or precarious.
Patriarchal masculinity on the other hand must constantly be proven and earned. Even if you are the surliest, muscly-est, richest bro-y bro at the sports bar, your patriarchal masculine status can be ripped from you with one feminine fashion choice or girly drink. It’s so incredibly fragile. It requires constant effort to uphold.
Patriarchal masculinity- the constant need to prove your manliness, the restriction of half the spectrum of human attributes makes being a man very hard.
Since violence is more often enacted by men than by women, it is often misattributed as being caused by maleness when really the finger should be pointed at patriarchal masculinity:
“Evidence suggests that it is not innate aggression that makes men violent, but the internalized belief that they fall short of society’s perceived standards for masculinity. Psychologists call this phenomenon, “masculine discrepancy stress” and research shows that the more acutely a man suffers from this, the more likely he is to commit almost every type of violence, including sexual assault, intimate partner violence and assault with a weapon.” - Ruth Whippman
“Boys check out the instant they feel their masculinity is something to be ashamed of”
A massive flaw in feminist discourse has been conflating “men” with “patriarchy” and “masculinity” with “patriarchal masculinity,” which results in all men and masculinity being vilified.
To be fair, this is often a problem on the interpretation end of feminist discourse rather than on the communicating end.
But still, I can’t help but wonder how many more men would be open to discussions around patriarchy if these distinctions were widely known and understood.
Especially considering that men and boys consistently report patriarchal masculinity as a source of stress and anxiety in their lives. Ruth Whippman interviewed dozens of young men for her book BoyMom. Here are a few snippets from her recent New York Times article:
“There’s just this fear of being a feminine man,” a 12th grader in New York told me. “Like society’s undertone is almost forcing these masculine values — they’re kind of trapping you.”
“You always have to prove and reprove it,” a 19-year-old in California said, in a conversation about the role of masculinity in his life. “It includes the way that you see yourself, the way that you connect with others, the way that you motivate yourself.”
“I have it ingrained in me that I have something to prove at all times,” as one 20-year-old described it. “There’s a feeling of never being enough.” - Ruth Whippman
So many men and boys want to talk about the pressures of manliness, but often shut down before the conversation even begins when they hear the words “patriarchy” and “masculinity.”
One high school teacher on the Reddit thread discussing Whippman’s article said,
“Boys check out the instant they feel like their masculinity is something to be ashamed of. When I was trying to explain ‘toxic masculinity’ to the class, I literally read out the Wikipedia definition of the concept without ever saying the word ‘masculinity.’ I substituted in ‘socially prescribed pressure’ instead. And all the boys became intensely engaged - asking questions, actively participating, raising their hands as much as the girls were- because they didn’t feel like they were being treated as dangerous.”
A lot is riding on our ability to discuss patriarchy without demonizing men and masculinity.
No one does this better than bell hooks.
bell hooks is the gold standard in navigating these conversations.
I’m so inspired by her ability to unflinchingly convey her deep love of men AND unapologetically lay out the truth of the immense harm that patriarchal masculinity inflicts on men and the harm men can perpetuate under its control.
To hold both the harm and the hope at the same time is a rare thing.
To call for both fierce love and fierce accountability is a rare thing.
Take these two quotes:
Love:
“To create loving men, we must love males. Loving maleness is different from praising and rewarding males for living up to sexist-defined notions of male identity… In patriarchal culture males are not allowed simply to be who they are and to glory in their unique identity. Their value is always determined by what they do. In an anti-patriarchal culture males do not have to prove their value and worth. They know from birth that simply being gives them value, the right to be cherished and loved.” - The Will to Change
And accountability:
“Men do oppress women. People are hurt by rigid sexist role patterns… Male oppression of women cannot be excused by the recognition that there are ways men are hurt by rigid sexist roles. Feminist activists should acknowledge that hurt, and work to change it—it exists. It does not erase or lessen male responsibility for supporting and perpetuating their power under patriarchy to exploit and oppress women in a manner far more grievous than the serious psychological stress and emotional pain caused by male conformity to rigid sexist role patterns.” - The Will to Change
bell hooks’s The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity and Love will be the topic of our Matriarchal Blessing book club coming up on Wednesday, October 30th at 11:00am Pacific Time on zoom.
We will be discussing which of bell hooks’s ideas resonated with us most, which we found challenging and all thoughts around masculinity and feminism that came up while reading.
You don’t have to have read the book to come and discuss masculinity and feminism with us though. Everyone is invited- men, women, nonbinary- you just have to be a paid subscriber to join us (and yes if you want you can join for just one month :)
The registration link is below this pay wall. Update your subscription to register and join the discussion. Hope to see you there!