Want friendship in your 40s? That'll be $50 an hour.

Between therapy, coaches, gym memberships, sitters and patreon groups- are we buying our way out of needing friends?

Recently a friend said something to me and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it.

She said, “I pay $100 every other week to have someone listen to my problems in therapy. I pay to move my body with other women in yoga each week. I pay someone to watch my kids. These people are my best friends. Didn’t we used to just like, have friends? It seems like if you want friendship in your forties you have to pay for it.”

Ooooof.

Right?

For most of human history- your extended family or village would help you meet your physical and psychological needs.

But now?

Hm.

Last month I hired a professional organizer to help me go through every shelf, box and closet in my home (worth. every. penny.). I hired her for four mornings. She was such a pleasant conversationalist I would really look forward to our sessions. At one point I told her, “I think I’d pay just to hang out with you.” …….

Are we laughing or crying at that statement?

I’m not sure.

I paid her to help de-clutter my house, but she ended up scratching an itch I keep forgetting I have: the friendship itch.

Upon reflecting on my friend’s observation, I realized that this paying-for-friendship wasn’t always true for me.

Once upon a time I did have friends (for free!), and we used each other to meet each other’s needs.

When we lived in Iowa we lived on my husband’s PhD stipend for seven years. I had three babies there.

For five of those years I was in a weekly meal swap group. I would cook for three families on Tuesdays, and a hot dinner would be delivered to my door Wednesdays and Thursdays.

All seven of those years we participated in a Friday night date night swap group.

And I had multiple “I will watch your toddler one day a week, you watch my toddler one day a week” gigs going through those years.

But now we live in a house, not a townhome complex. My husband has a job. I’m nearing my 40s. My kids are almost all in school (one more year!).

And I don’t seem to have any of these swap groups anymore. Instead of my days being filled with playdates, library story times and park meet ups, my days are filled with…. myself mostly.***

Why?

I don’t know.

But I think it has something to do with money.

If I need a night off cooking, I can get take out.

If I need babysitting, I hire one.

And if I’m lonely?

Well I do the sensible thing and hire a professional organizer to hang out with me.

I’m realizing all those swap groups were good for more than just meals and babysitting. They scratched that friendship itch as well. That community itch.

Now I’m very privileged and lucky to be able to pay my spiritual director, the YMCA, my harp teacher, my therapist and others to help weave my psychological safety support net.

But what about those who cannot pay?

It’s not fair.

Friendship shouldn’t be dependent on how much disposable income we have.

But man, from where I’m at, that’s sure what life in your 40s is looking like.

How about you?

Have you noticed this paying for friendship phenomenon? How is it looking for you?

What is the heart of the problem? Not taking responsibility to forge your own community? Everyone’s too busy? Isolated 21st century post-modern living? Patriarchy? Capitalism? (when in doubt, always blame patriarchy and capitalism).

*** Good gosh, not that I’m saying I want to go back to those student baby/toddler years. I’ll take my alone time and paid friendship please and thank you!

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Responses to Last Week’s Prompt:

Last week we used Gretchen Rubin’s four tendencies to talk about why some people who leave Mormonism experience nihilism and others don’t.

LOVED these thoughts from Brandi:

I also read this book a few years before leaving the church, and it confused me so much! I think because I was?am? an obliger too but was deep in the “questioning” of my greatest external motivator (the church) and thus losing motivation to do most anything church or “personal development” related. I also feel like the more I become ok with myself (less shame) the less anything external can motivate me. So I question the idea that being an obliger can ever be a healthy way to exist? It feels too connected with shame to me! So I still don’t know how I’m motivated lol. I agree with what you said… and I wonder if people change throughout their life? I’d love to know what others think!

Such a good question- can being an obliger be healthy?