I've been paying a lot more attention to all the content creators who spend thousands of hours how to look our best at any age via makeup, clothes, hair, staying trendy. I get that women feel they "disappear " at a certain age but these creators are talking about it at every age. Women are still being taught that how we appear makes us powerful. Sure, looking like you didn't just roll out of bed and throw on the nearest sweat pants sends a message for both men and women but this is at the whole, "I'm not worthy unless I'm on trend, have great hair and the right makeup". AND these creators then go on to say they're empowering women. No. They're not. They're telling women that looks are all that matters. This is a serious problem.
Yessss, this! Ive loved your past two posts - thank you for sharing them!
Recently I read “Why Does Patriarchy Persist?“ by Carol Gilligan and Naomi Snider and I haven’t stopped thinking about it especially in the recent context of Epstein/Gisele Pelicot/etc.
Their central argument is that patriarchy doesn’t just persist because of power or tradition — it performs a psychological function. It protects us from a kind of loss, pain, and grief. It acts as a defense mechanism. By elevating hierarchy over connection, and toughness over vulnerability, it protects us from confronting how much we depend on one another — and how painful it is to lose connection. Instead of grieving the parts of ourselves we’ve split off to fit gendered expectations, patriarchy normalises that disconnection and calls it strength, nature, or order.
When we understand that it persists because it helps us avoid vulnerability and grief — then the work of dismantling it becomes more achievable… but only if we can face what it’s protecting us from - grief, loss, our authentic selves.
"Instead of grieving the parts of ourselves we’ve split off to fit gendered expectations, patriarchy normalises that disconnection and calls it strength, nature, or order." - this, and it's why the trans community visibly stepping into this space is terrifying.
This is brilliantly articulated thank you. And I think unfortunately we’re coming to the point of collapse where whether we want to or not we’re going to be losing a lot
Relationships structures things we’ve relied on in the patriarchy and people are going to have to be forced to feel vulnerable and to feel grief maybe for the first time.
Those of us who have been choosing to heal understand what’s going to be required and how fucking painful it is and quite frankly, how many people still will not admit, vulnerability or grief as everything falls apart.
I grew up in a narcissistic family, which mirrors the narcissistic dysfunctional system that patriarchy is. The amount of hard work and time it’s taking me to be able to feel hard feelings is insane. Both developing capacity, but also developing a sense of safety that it’s OK to have these feelings
The "elevating" is an emergent property, not a "By". IOW, it's a result not a cause. Hard to assess whether it perpetuates or only parallels what is otherwise perpetuated at a deeper level (which is what I suspect is the case--and points to the next below).
Similarly (though a separate assessment, they overlap/connect coincidentally), the avoidance isn't "because" of emergent properties, it's the other way around, which calls into question the validity of "understand[ing]".
Overall, my current/ongoing assessment is that (intergenerational) trauma underlies the entirety, however it's labeled. The subtle distinctions in assessment might help direct focus for addressing the basis rather than shifting across symptoms.
The laughter, and lack of reflection, and mommy stepping in has been swimming in me all week. I've been allowing it to fill me with rage. I've been searching myself to get to the bottom of it, and have landed on 2 things:
1) Allowing myself to feel the depths of my grief in men collectively. They couldn't even do better as a group at a moment when they felt powerful - this group of strong, bonded men had just won a battle. Instead of using that confidence and energy towards something meaningful beyond themselves - like speaking up to someone wreaking havoc on the world and specifically on women - they consciously chose to remain in their guy network, downplaying and dismissing instead of showing the world what being real men looks like.
2) The sober recognition that women are playing a starring role in men avoiding their own selves. And, it is going to take us withdrawing our support for them to change, because the vast majority - even when in a group that shows discipline and rigor and, ostensibly, with nothing more to prove - are completely incapable of making honorable choices on their own.
Its giving Seren Joy Waterford from The Handmaids Tale. These women always believe their proximity to power will protect them, until they end up losing a finger the first time they step out of line.
This is excellent. I had never thought this way about the fact that patriarchy is not just men- I knew women helped hold the system up, but had never had it explained in such a clear way. Thank you.
I wanted to mention that the senator in the kitchen is Katie Britt, not Tibbs. The reason I know this is because she is (unfortunately)one of the Senators from my state, and as she perpetuates patriarchy, she needs to be accountable with her real name.
THIS. Rodger Malcolm Mitchell would likely have a field day with this, as the driving force for this phenomenon is Gap Psychology. In a nutshell, in any hierarchy, people tend to want to narrow the Gap between themselves and those above them in the hierarchy, while also wanting to widen the Gap between themselves and those below them in that same hierarchy. That gives people a feeling of power, and therefore, safety and security, however illusory. He first observed that when it comes to socioeconomic status, but really this is true for all hierarchies, including patriarchy and the larger kyriarchy as well:
Gap Psychology is basically one of the two most fundamental laws of economics (as well as human nature) per Rodger Malcolm Mitchell, the other being Monetary Sovereignty.
Thank you Celeste for those visuals and for pointing out that patriarchy is not a man vs. woman issue. In my language, patriarchy breeds both a patriarchal feminine and patriarchal masculine. They are distorted forms of both masculine and feminine. The distortion is caused by the elevation of the masculine principle above the feminine, which is also pointed out in this essay.
All the ancient systems - that follow the laws of energy that govern the cosmos - state right relationship between masculine and feminine as "fire under water". ie. the Feminine (capitalising to refer to cosmic power, rather than gender) is the leading principle and the masculine is the holding, supporting principle. There is no true equality in patriarchy because patriarchy itself acts as a glass ceiling.
Paradigm change starts within, as each person who awakens to this begins to dismantle their own patriarchal mindset, which is propped up by a Feminine wound, inflicted by violation and invalidation of the Feminine over centuries. This is at the root of the lack of emotional development in males, environmental destruction, disrespect of women, women trained to be "good" and "pliable" etc.
I love that on Substack many of us are writing on the potential paradigm shift and what it requires to create a world beyond patriarchal entitlement and destruction, which would also end the "battle of the sexes" in the process. 🙏🌹
I so appreciate your writing! I see a lot of women who have spent a lifetime being scapegoated for men’s bad behavior and indiscretions (their fathers, their husbands, even their sons) that I think they often feel the need to justify men’s bad behavior, before they are blamed and called a bad mom or wife, because they see the men’s failures as their own. In the LDS religion adn other religions, women are often punished for their own transgressions AND for Adam’s transgressions, which is a heavy load to carry. For me it was never about wanting to be closer to power, but about self-preservation and not feeling like I had let society and God down when the men around me screwed up. I’ve lately learned to recognize and write about my own participation in supporting patriarchy and justifying the poor behavior of men, but I also must have some grace and compassion for the past me who had been so beaten down and was purpposely kept from embracing the power I now find from within myself. There are a lot of women who protect the patriarchy fully understanding it’s damage and there are others who protect the patriarchy because they have become so damaged within it’s grasp they are just in survival mode, trying their best to be good wives and mothers. It’s such a hard system to overcome, but we must continue working towards exposing its harm, because it is harming us all.
Yes GREAT point - it’s definitely not always about wanting power (I was thinking more of Ghislaine Maxwell than the average woman as I wrote that). I think you are spot on here.
Ironically, I did compare myself to Ghislaine Maxwell in my writing last week because it is quite horrifying to be an average woman that learns she's been swimming in the same water as Ghislaine. I'm just glad I got out of the water in time and took my daughters with me.
I always was the odd girl out. I wanted to be my father, not my mother, not in a Freudian sense b/c I was never unhappy with being a girl. But in the sense that I wanted to go to work & support myself, not stay home & raise kids & be dependant. When I was 4 or 5, (in 1959) I asked when would it be my turn to be a boy -- not b/c I wanted a penis but b/c I wanted to be able to do things my 4 yr old brother could do.
used to say I d/n want to be a mother & people, I including my mother but not my father, people patted me on the head & told me I wd change my mind. (I never did.)
It was hard but, with my father's tacit encouragement, but no help, I put myself through 3 degrees, including a law degree, & spent 36 years as a prosecutor, many dedicated to prosecuting sex crimes against children. Girls who follow that model, & I was by no means the only one, have a hard row to hoe. But the rewards in terms of respect, income & independence are well worth it. My status, & the grudging & partial respect I gained were my own, not derivative.
Your story is aspirational AF. Can’t have been easy to be a female prosecutor. It’s not easy now let alone back then in the courtroom as a woman attorney.
I have to be honest. I have ADHD, not diagnosed until my 60s. I think one reason I did what I wanted to do is that I d/n notice the massive disapproval I was getting from everyone around me except my father. I was busy doing what mattered to me & I can hyperfocus. So a lot of my success came with a side dish of "I wonder what's wrong with him/her" when I noticed someone staring at me with disapproval. I honestly did not know or understand!
I consider myself "enlightened". After reading your well laid out essay. I realize I'm not as enlightened as I thought I was. Its so difficult to get past the antiquated thinking we boomers were raised with...that men are superior.
Great piece Celeste! What has always surprised me, is the hurt and betrayal I feel at women who take part in the patriarchy (not really fair to fill angrier at the women than the men who participate, but I still feel it!) And I sometimes let the behavior of those women make me feel like the situation is hopeless. There was a study that showed that most girls will only speak their opinions in class when the class becomes at least 70% female. It seems like it starts with our kids, in the home, in school, and now on line. It also begins with awareness, so this article and discussion fills me with hope! 🥰
By making and maintaining real friendships with real women, sticking by them, acting like grownups instead of little giggly girls when faced by difficult men and not giving a flying fuck what anyone thinks. It may cost you something but it pays out in the long run.
I am forever grateful to you for unpacking Mormonism publicly as much as you have and for continuing to tell the story of patriarchy truthfully and factually. Thank you for your visuals. Thank you for the time you spend writing and thinking. It’s not lost on me that you are a mother and wife and don’t have to spend whatever free time you have on writing, researching and sharing. Thank you.
Just upgraded my subscription so I can be part of the club! I'm super stoked about the upcoming book club. I was raised by a woman who said women should get an education, should be independent, etc. However she also said that men should provide for the household, pay for dinner, and mow the lawn. She derides me for being the household fixer-upper. When she disagrees with something I have done she will say, "What does your husband think about that?" Obviously women are perpetuating the patriarchy. I hope I have not passed that on to my two girls.
I am an old woman raised by an early feminist, so I’ve always been looking at these issues.
At one point in my life, I own some small businesses. I think at one point I had 450 employees.
I was very much in favor of promoting women in my businesses, and tried on many occasions.
They refused. They didn’t want to be in a position where they had to say unpleasant things to employees.
I offered them money. No. That didn’t do it.
There has always been the assumption on the part of women that men would protect us and would provide for us, but we are seeing what a myth that is.
Time to stop focusing on how thin we are, or what makeup makes us look the most attractive.
Time to appreciate that we have been screwed, and not in a pleasant fashion.
I've been paying a lot more attention to all the content creators who spend thousands of hours how to look our best at any age via makeup, clothes, hair, staying trendy. I get that women feel they "disappear " at a certain age but these creators are talking about it at every age. Women are still being taught that how we appear makes us powerful. Sure, looking like you didn't just roll out of bed and throw on the nearest sweat pants sends a message for both men and women but this is at the whole, "I'm not worthy unless I'm on trend, have great hair and the right makeup". AND these creators then go on to say they're empowering women. No. They're not. They're telling women that looks are all that matters. This is a serious problem.
For me, age feels like I’m not on duty anymore.
Yessss, this! Ive loved your past two posts - thank you for sharing them!
Recently I read “Why Does Patriarchy Persist?“ by Carol Gilligan and Naomi Snider and I haven’t stopped thinking about it especially in the recent context of Epstein/Gisele Pelicot/etc.
Their central argument is that patriarchy doesn’t just persist because of power or tradition — it performs a psychological function. It protects us from a kind of loss, pain, and grief. It acts as a defense mechanism. By elevating hierarchy over connection, and toughness over vulnerability, it protects us from confronting how much we depend on one another — and how painful it is to lose connection. Instead of grieving the parts of ourselves we’ve split off to fit gendered expectations, patriarchy normalises that disconnection and calls it strength, nature, or order.
When we understand that it persists because it helps us avoid vulnerability and grief — then the work of dismantling it becomes more achievable… but only if we can face what it’s protecting us from - grief, loss, our authentic selves.
Thanks again for sharing!!
"Instead of grieving the parts of ourselves we’ve split off to fit gendered expectations, patriarchy normalises that disconnection and calls it strength, nature, or order." - this, and it's why the trans community visibly stepping into this space is terrifying.
This is brilliantly articulated thank you. And I think unfortunately we’re coming to the point of collapse where whether we want to or not we’re going to be losing a lot
Relationships structures things we’ve relied on in the patriarchy and people are going to have to be forced to feel vulnerable and to feel grief maybe for the first time.
Those of us who have been choosing to heal understand what’s going to be required and how fucking painful it is and quite frankly, how many people still will not admit, vulnerability or grief as everything falls apart.
I grew up in a narcissistic family, which mirrors the narcissistic dysfunctional system that patriarchy is. The amount of hard work and time it’s taking me to be able to feel hard feelings is insane. Both developing capacity, but also developing a sense of safety that it’s OK to have these feelings
Two alternative perspectives:
The "elevating" is an emergent property, not a "By". IOW, it's a result not a cause. Hard to assess whether it perpetuates or only parallels what is otherwise perpetuated at a deeper level (which is what I suspect is the case--and points to the next below).
Similarly (though a separate assessment, they overlap/connect coincidentally), the avoidance isn't "because" of emergent properties, it's the other way around, which calls into question the validity of "understand[ing]".
Overall, my current/ongoing assessment is that (intergenerational) trauma underlies the entirety, however it's labeled. The subtle distinctions in assessment might help direct focus for addressing the basis rather than shifting across symptoms.
The laughter, and lack of reflection, and mommy stepping in has been swimming in me all week. I've been allowing it to fill me with rage. I've been searching myself to get to the bottom of it, and have landed on 2 things:
1) Allowing myself to feel the depths of my grief in men collectively. They couldn't even do better as a group at a moment when they felt powerful - this group of strong, bonded men had just won a battle. Instead of using that confidence and energy towards something meaningful beyond themselves - like speaking up to someone wreaking havoc on the world and specifically on women - they consciously chose to remain in their guy network, downplaying and dismissing instead of showing the world what being real men looks like.
2) The sober recognition that women are playing a starring role in men avoiding their own selves. And, it is going to take us withdrawing our support for them to change, because the vast majority - even when in a group that shows discipline and rigor and, ostensibly, with nothing more to prove - are completely incapable of making honorable choices on their own.
this - spot on.
So true
Its giving Seren Joy Waterford from The Handmaids Tale. These women always believe their proximity to power will protect them, until they end up losing a finger the first time they step out of line.
Absolutely. It is "Serena Joy Syndrome".
This is excellent. I had never thought this way about the fact that patriarchy is not just men- I knew women helped hold the system up, but had never had it explained in such a clear way. Thank you.
I wanted to mention that the senator in the kitchen is Katie Britt, not Tibbs. The reason I know this is because she is (unfortunately)one of the Senators from my state, and as she perpetuates patriarchy, she needs to be accountable with her real name.
THIS. Rodger Malcolm Mitchell would likely have a field day with this, as the driving force for this phenomenon is Gap Psychology. In a nutshell, in any hierarchy, people tend to want to narrow the Gap between themselves and those above them in the hierarchy, while also wanting to widen the Gap between themselves and those below them in that same hierarchy. That gives people a feeling of power, and therefore, safety and security, however illusory. He first observed that when it comes to socioeconomic status, but really this is true for all hierarchies, including patriarchy and the larger kyriarchy as well:
https://mythfighter.com/2018/03/20/gap-psychology-is-everywhere-in-your-life/
It's literally the glue that holds the entire pyramid scheme together, basically.
Ooooo well said!
Thank you 😊
Soooo good! I read the article you referenced also. Yes! That's it! Thank you.
Thank you, and you're very welcome 😊
This!!! Thank you! I need to learn more about Gap Psychology
You're very welcome 😊
Gap Psychology is basically one of the two most fundamental laws of economics (as well as human nature) per Rodger Malcolm Mitchell, the other being Monetary Sovereignty.
Thank you Celeste for those visuals and for pointing out that patriarchy is not a man vs. woman issue. In my language, patriarchy breeds both a patriarchal feminine and patriarchal masculine. They are distorted forms of both masculine and feminine. The distortion is caused by the elevation of the masculine principle above the feminine, which is also pointed out in this essay.
All the ancient systems - that follow the laws of energy that govern the cosmos - state right relationship between masculine and feminine as "fire under water". ie. the Feminine (capitalising to refer to cosmic power, rather than gender) is the leading principle and the masculine is the holding, supporting principle. There is no true equality in patriarchy because patriarchy itself acts as a glass ceiling.
Paradigm change starts within, as each person who awakens to this begins to dismantle their own patriarchal mindset, which is propped up by a Feminine wound, inflicted by violation and invalidation of the Feminine over centuries. This is at the root of the lack of emotional development in males, environmental destruction, disrespect of women, women trained to be "good" and "pliable" etc.
I love that on Substack many of us are writing on the potential paradigm shift and what it requires to create a world beyond patriarchal entitlement and destruction, which would also end the "battle of the sexes" in the process. 🙏🌹
I so appreciate your writing! I see a lot of women who have spent a lifetime being scapegoated for men’s bad behavior and indiscretions (their fathers, their husbands, even their sons) that I think they often feel the need to justify men’s bad behavior, before they are blamed and called a bad mom or wife, because they see the men’s failures as their own. In the LDS religion adn other religions, women are often punished for their own transgressions AND for Adam’s transgressions, which is a heavy load to carry. For me it was never about wanting to be closer to power, but about self-preservation and not feeling like I had let society and God down when the men around me screwed up. I’ve lately learned to recognize and write about my own participation in supporting patriarchy and justifying the poor behavior of men, but I also must have some grace and compassion for the past me who had been so beaten down and was purpposely kept from embracing the power I now find from within myself. There are a lot of women who protect the patriarchy fully understanding it’s damage and there are others who protect the patriarchy because they have become so damaged within it’s grasp they are just in survival mode, trying their best to be good wives and mothers. It’s such a hard system to overcome, but we must continue working towards exposing its harm, because it is harming us all.
Yes GREAT point - it’s definitely not always about wanting power (I was thinking more of Ghislaine Maxwell than the average woman as I wrote that). I think you are spot on here.
Ironically, I did compare myself to Ghislaine Maxwell in my writing last week because it is quite horrifying to be an average woman that learns she's been swimming in the same water as Ghislaine. I'm just glad I got out of the water in time and took my daughters with me.
https://stephenieg.substack.com/p/my-god-what-have-i-done?utm_campaign=post-expanded-share&utm_medium=web
I appreciate your thoughts and vulnerability, Stephanie.
Well done. You are evolving towards good energies and self assurance etc.
I always was the odd girl out. I wanted to be my father, not my mother, not in a Freudian sense b/c I was never unhappy with being a girl. But in the sense that I wanted to go to work & support myself, not stay home & raise kids & be dependant. When I was 4 or 5, (in 1959) I asked when would it be my turn to be a boy -- not b/c I wanted a penis but b/c I wanted to be able to do things my 4 yr old brother could do.
used to say I d/n want to be a mother & people, I including my mother but not my father, people patted me on the head & told me I wd change my mind. (I never did.)
It was hard but, with my father's tacit encouragement, but no help, I put myself through 3 degrees, including a law degree, & spent 36 years as a prosecutor, many dedicated to prosecuting sex crimes against children. Girls who follow that model, & I was by no means the only one, have a hard row to hoe. But the rewards in terms of respect, income & independence are well worth it. My status, & the grudging & partial respect I gained were my own, not derivative.
Your story is aspirational AF. Can’t have been easy to be a female prosecutor. It’s not easy now let alone back then in the courtroom as a woman attorney.
I have to be honest. I have ADHD, not diagnosed until my 60s. I think one reason I did what I wanted to do is that I d/n notice the massive disapproval I was getting from everyone around me except my father. I was busy doing what mattered to me & I can hyperfocus. So a lot of my success came with a side dish of "I wonder what's wrong with him/her" when I noticed someone staring at me with disapproval. I honestly did not know or understand!
I consider myself "enlightened". After reading your well laid out essay. I realize I'm not as enlightened as I thought I was. Its so difficult to get past the antiquated thinking we boomers were raised with...that men are superior.
Great piece Celeste! What has always surprised me, is the hurt and betrayal I feel at women who take part in the patriarchy (not really fair to fill angrier at the women than the men who participate, but I still feel it!) And I sometimes let the behavior of those women make me feel like the situation is hopeless. There was a study that showed that most girls will only speak their opinions in class when the class becomes at least 70% female. It seems like it starts with our kids, in the home, in school, and now on line. It also begins with awareness, so this article and discussion fills me with hope! 🥰
On point.
How do we get white women to stop holding up the patriarchy?
By making and maintaining real friendships with real women, sticking by them, acting like grownups instead of little giggly girls when faced by difficult men and not giving a flying fuck what anyone thinks. It may cost you something but it pays out in the long run.
You mean like the women’s US hockey team did when they refused the president’s invite?
Exactly!
The systemic problems from patriarchy include men of every color and women of every color.
Besides “empathy” I have no idea
🎯 🎯 🎯
What struck me reading this is how early the performance begins.
Before men laugh in locker rooms, boys learn when to stay quiet.
Before women shield men publicly, boys learn that discomfort is weakness.
Hierarchy isn’t sustained only at the top.
It’s rehearsed in small silences.
And those rehearsals start young.
I am forever grateful to you for unpacking Mormonism publicly as much as you have and for continuing to tell the story of patriarchy truthfully and factually. Thank you for your visuals. Thank you for the time you spend writing and thinking. It’s not lost on me that you are a mother and wife and don’t have to spend whatever free time you have on writing, researching and sharing. Thank you.
Just upgraded my subscription so I can be part of the club! I'm super stoked about the upcoming book club. I was raised by a woman who said women should get an education, should be independent, etc. However she also said that men should provide for the household, pay for dinner, and mow the lawn. She derides me for being the household fixer-upper. When she disagrees with something I have done she will say, "What does your husband think about that?" Obviously women are perpetuating the patriarchy. I hope I have not passed that on to my two girls.
Yay! Happy to have you!!
The bit for visual learners: priceless.
Your last two posts: brilliant.