My mother was born in 1914, my father in 1907. They were thoroughly engulfed in the sex/gender roles they were handed. Ours was a picture-perfect 1950's household...on the surface. I was born late into this family, 1954, and I did not like what I was being handed at all. Enough that I ran away from home when I was 17.
My mother had been a WPA artist with a degree of national recognition and a talented pianist. She was of course expected to give all that up to be "moms." Many years later when she was in a nursing home and the topic of my running away came up, she said this:
Even middle class households could have "hired help".
I don't believe my grandparents were rich in the way we understand it today, but they had a Black woman come in and "do for them" after my grandmother had surgery of some kind. My mom was about 12, so it was the early-mid 60s.
(They fired her for some reason, probably made-up, and then those household duties fell on my mom — middle child and only daughter. I only learned this history recently.)
That's different from my family's situation. We were middle class, but there was certainly not enough money to afford help. I recall growing up believing we were poor until my Mom convinced me otherwise. We had health care, a house, and decent food and clothes. So, no, we weren't poor.
I was the 6th of 6 children. My father gave driver license exams, and later was promoted to chief at their tiny office. Prior to that, he had been a commander in the Navy, chief aerographer at the Pearl Harbor (Oahu) weather station. He was in charge of many men. Giving driver license exams was humiliating for him. And he wasn't bringing in much money.
By the time you have 6 kids and a big step downward in your career, you are definitely not in the strata that hires household help.
Powerful article. I didn’t read that book Feminine Mystique or even heard of it till now. But as a young girl I saw my mom depressed and had always questioned the gender roles. I couldn’t put it in words as I was too young. I was getting ready to move from brownie to Girl Scout and my cousin showed me his Boy Scouts book. I was so angry. He was learning very helpful life survival skills. I left Girl Scouts and I suppose that started my distrust of social constructs for women. I went to college got a technical degree in power transmission and became a regional sales manager. No kids. I’m in my 2nd marriage and retired at 58. Enjoying my choices!!
This is such a good article! It’s always been shocking to me how many people honestly believe that the 1950's-housewife model is some ancient traditional paradigm, when in reality women have always worked. And it's not like the standards for being a SAHM have gotten any chiller over the years- now they're expected to attend to their children literally 24 hours a day, including homeschooling.
Phenomenal debunking. I'm old enough to remember when homosexuality was in the DSM and women couldn't have a credit card or mortgage of their own. It wasn't a golden age and the 'Tradwives' are just currently in the Fuck Around phase of their journey. Have no doubt the next phase is coming.
If being a stay at home mom and housewife was really so fulfilling for women and so highly valued by society they wouldn’t have to try to shove it down women’s throats. I greatly appreciate your writing.
My mother was born in the 1920s. In the 1950s by the time I was born she and millions like her had had enough. From time to time she would go and get a job to be out of the house but the combination of work even part time and 3 children and her own disabled mother to look after ground her down until she gave it up each time. She watched me grow during the time of women’s liberation, going to university despite being working class family, then my own home and a world of choices. ‘Dont tie yourself down with a load of screaming kids’ was her mantra to me when I was young. I remember how kind she was though this was happening to her, how shrewd she could be, how funny and original. I remember the tablets she used to take that she relied on. Her visits to the bingo hall with her friends - one of the very few places married women could go out and meet up together without attracting nasty attention or comment. When she had more space when we all got older she didn’t know what to do with it after a lifetime of that cage.
My mom, born in 1945, converted to mormonism in the late 70s after she married my dad, inactive at the time but from mormon pioneer stock. She clung to the seemingly stable paradigm there after a tumultuous first marriage. Since we were affluent, her SAHMhood looked like pursuing homemaking skills she excelled at, hosting, decorating, needlework, professional volunteering, organizing art auctions for my private school. My abusive and unfaithful father upheld the "patriarchal order" as an emotional weapon, then divorced her, lost his money recklessly, and has since passed away. She lives on social security and the kindness of friends and relatives as this does not afford her enough to both pay rent/utilities and buy food/medicine.
Having left the church after a complicated and painful deconstruction, and while I've always worked freelance as a teaching artist, I just finished a masters degree to get a job with a retirement plan, because that is not going to be me.
As a teen, my sister helped Dad paint and reroof our house. She liked math enough to take calculus "for fun." Then she got married, and now 3 marriages later, she doesn't even know who she is. She watches TV all day. She can't even think of what she wants now.
I often comment on tradwives, because I have 1st person experience. My mom and her friends were those depressed, unhappy tradwives. They felt very unfulfilled. They knew their status was low and options limited. Many got dumped at 50 for a younger model and at best got alimony. They were thrilled and also jealous when their daughters pursued careers. My mother was sadly very jealous of mine. For all its negatives, I would never trade my difficult balance of work and family for tradwifing. Tradwifing is just boring domestic servitude - underpaid, tedious and underappreciated.
And why was Harrison ButtTurd even asked to give a commencement speech? He received an honorary degree from Benedictine College simply because he contributed to Super Bowl victories? What the F happened to actual education? Actual well-rounded Studia Humanitatis which teaches critical thinking?
One part that stood out to me was the fact that most of these "relaxing drugs" used widely were created for these women who felt incomplete. Because, how can you be depressed if you're asleep?
I also related hard with women who have to be disciplinarians while their husbands skirted around as the favorite. I remember really not like Phil from Modern Family because of this. Claire was always the bad guy while he was obviously attracted to Gloria, was literally a grown child and sometimes added to the issue by even calling Claire the bad cop. I get that maybe he was a character to contrast Jay, but damn I always ended up feeling for Claire.
I'd love to see Tiktok accounts featuring women who were 1950s stay-home suburban moms telling it like it actually was. I know they're all about 85-95 now, but it could be a powerful antidote to the constant romanticizing of what for many was an unbearable existence.
I agree that the key is “chosen motherhood.” I’m afraid neither a career nor being a “stay-at-home mom” is the key to happiness or fulfillment. Unfortunately, it’s not that simple, and sometimes we can’t just choose one or the other. I also feel there’s terribly harsh criticism from other women, whatever the choice. I’ve read some horrible articles about both sides.
Housekeeping is a low status job - it's basically cooking, cleaning and shopping. Entertaining and decorating are the higher forms of it. Many women have talents and abilities outside these activities. As to childrearing, I recommend that you read Judith Rich Harris's books. There has been a psychology campaign to make mothers feel totally responsible for their children's fate. It's fake. JRH is a true scientist on this matter. There are plenty of unappreciative, neglectful, and disappointing children out there. Even abusive and hostile ones. Children generally take their parents for granted. It's not the mom's fault in the vast majority of cases. If you think motherhood will fulfill you, you might be very disappointed.
I read The Feminine Mystique a long time ago (70s or 80s, can't be 100% sure, but at least 40 years). I credit it with a lot of my growing awareness of feminism.
My mother was born in 1914, my father in 1907. They were thoroughly engulfed in the sex/gender roles they were handed. Ours was a picture-perfect 1950's household...on the surface. I was born late into this family, 1954, and I did not like what I was being handed at all. Enough that I ran away from home when I was 17.
My mother had been a WPA artist with a degree of national recognition and a talented pianist. She was of course expected to give all that up to be "moms." Many years later when she was in a nursing home and the topic of my running away came up, she said this:
"Why didn't you take me with you?"
Wow
plenty of those home makers in nice dresses were rich and had Black women to do all the real work including wiping snotty little beaks or runny arses
Yes, but the article wasn't about rich White women. And the author clearly stated she was leaving out many women.
Even middle class households could have "hired help".
I don't believe my grandparents were rich in the way we understand it today, but they had a Black woman come in and "do for them" after my grandmother had surgery of some kind. My mom was about 12, so it was the early-mid 60s.
(They fired her for some reason, probably made-up, and then those household duties fell on my mom — middle child and only daughter. I only learned this history recently.)
That's different from my family's situation. We were middle class, but there was certainly not enough money to afford help. I recall growing up believing we were poor until my Mom convinced me otherwise. We had health care, a house, and decent food and clothes. So, no, we weren't poor.
I was the 6th of 6 children. My father gave driver license exams, and later was promoted to chief at their tiny office. Prior to that, he had been a commander in the Navy, chief aerographer at the Pearl Harbor (Oahu) weather station. He was in charge of many men. Giving driver license exams was humiliating for him. And he wasn't bringing in much money.
By the time you have 6 kids and a big step downward in your career, you are definitely not in the strata that hires household help.
Powerful article. I didn’t read that book Feminine Mystique or even heard of it till now. But as a young girl I saw my mom depressed and had always questioned the gender roles. I couldn’t put it in words as I was too young. I was getting ready to move from brownie to Girl Scout and my cousin showed me his Boy Scouts book. I was so angry. He was learning very helpful life survival skills. I left Girl Scouts and I suppose that started my distrust of social constructs for women. I went to college got a technical degree in power transmission and became a regional sales manager. No kids. I’m in my 2nd marriage and retired at 58. Enjoying my choices!!
This is such a good article! It’s always been shocking to me how many people honestly believe that the 1950's-housewife model is some ancient traditional paradigm, when in reality women have always worked. And it's not like the standards for being a SAHM have gotten any chiller over the years- now they're expected to attend to their children literally 24 hours a day, including homeschooling.
Phenomenal debunking. I'm old enough to remember when homosexuality was in the DSM and women couldn't have a credit card or mortgage of their own. It wasn't a golden age and the 'Tradwives' are just currently in the Fuck Around phase of their journey. Have no doubt the next phase is coming.
Refrigerators and washing machines killed homemaking.
If being a stay at home mom and housewife was really so fulfilling for women and so highly valued by society they wouldn’t have to try to shove it down women’s throats. I greatly appreciate your writing.
My mother was born in the 1920s. In the 1950s by the time I was born she and millions like her had had enough. From time to time she would go and get a job to be out of the house but the combination of work even part time and 3 children and her own disabled mother to look after ground her down until she gave it up each time. She watched me grow during the time of women’s liberation, going to university despite being working class family, then my own home and a world of choices. ‘Dont tie yourself down with a load of screaming kids’ was her mantra to me when I was young. I remember how kind she was though this was happening to her, how shrewd she could be, how funny and original. I remember the tablets she used to take that she relied on. Her visits to the bingo hall with her friends - one of the very few places married women could go out and meet up together without attracting nasty attention or comment. When she had more space when we all got older she didn’t know what to do with it after a lifetime of that cage.
My mom, born in 1945, converted to mormonism in the late 70s after she married my dad, inactive at the time but from mormon pioneer stock. She clung to the seemingly stable paradigm there after a tumultuous first marriage. Since we were affluent, her SAHMhood looked like pursuing homemaking skills she excelled at, hosting, decorating, needlework, professional volunteering, organizing art auctions for my private school. My abusive and unfaithful father upheld the "patriarchal order" as an emotional weapon, then divorced her, lost his money recklessly, and has since passed away. She lives on social security and the kindness of friends and relatives as this does not afford her enough to both pay rent/utilities and buy food/medicine.
Having left the church after a complicated and painful deconstruction, and while I've always worked freelance as a teaching artist, I just finished a masters degree to get a job with a retirement plan, because that is not going to be me.
As a teen, my sister helped Dad paint and reroof our house. She liked math enough to take calculus "for fun." Then she got married, and now 3 marriages later, she doesn't even know who she is. She watches TV all day. She can't even think of what she wants now.
Patriarchy took her personality away.
Gawd, this is awful 😧 F'ing patriarchy. I hate it so much.
I often comment on tradwives, because I have 1st person experience. My mom and her friends were those depressed, unhappy tradwives. They felt very unfulfilled. They knew their status was low and options limited. Many got dumped at 50 for a younger model and at best got alimony. They were thrilled and also jealous when their daughters pursued careers. My mother was sadly very jealous of mine. For all its negatives, I would never trade my difficult balance of work and family for tradwifing. Tradwifing is just boring domestic servitude - underpaid, tedious and underappreciated.
Servitude ye.
Yes!
And why was Harrison ButtTurd even asked to give a commencement speech? He received an honorary degree from Benedictine College simply because he contributed to Super Bowl victories? What the F happened to actual education? Actual well-rounded Studia Humanitatis which teaches critical thinking?
One part that stood out to me was the fact that most of these "relaxing drugs" used widely were created for these women who felt incomplete. Because, how can you be depressed if you're asleep?
I also related hard with women who have to be disciplinarians while their husbands skirted around as the favorite. I remember really not like Phil from Modern Family because of this. Claire was always the bad guy while he was obviously attracted to Gloria, was literally a grown child and sometimes added to the issue by even calling Claire the bad cop. I get that maybe he was a character to contrast Jay, but damn I always ended up feeling for Claire.
I'd love to see Tiktok accounts featuring women who were 1950s stay-home suburban moms telling it like it actually was. I know they're all about 85-95 now, but it could be a powerful antidote to the constant romanticizing of what for many was an unbearable existence.
I was born in 1952. Guessing most of the people romanticizing life in the fifties might find the reality less appealing.
I agree that the key is “chosen motherhood.” I’m afraid neither a career nor being a “stay-at-home mom” is the key to happiness or fulfillment. Unfortunately, it’s not that simple, and sometimes we can’t just choose one or the other. I also feel there’s terribly harsh criticism from other women, whatever the choice. I’ve read some horrible articles about both sides.
Housekeeping is a low status job - it's basically cooking, cleaning and shopping. Entertaining and decorating are the higher forms of it. Many women have talents and abilities outside these activities. As to childrearing, I recommend that you read Judith Rich Harris's books. There has been a psychology campaign to make mothers feel totally responsible for their children's fate. It's fake. JRH is a true scientist on this matter. There are plenty of unappreciative, neglectful, and disappointing children out there. Even abusive and hostile ones. Children generally take their parents for granted. It's not the mom's fault in the vast majority of cases. If you think motherhood will fulfill you, you might be very disappointed.
I read The Feminine Mystique a long time ago (70s or 80s, can't be 100% sure, but at least 40 years). I credit it with a lot of my growing awareness of feminism.