Being a woman of color, and an Indian Hindu woman at that, I would also include how patriarchy is inextricably woven with colonialism, racism, and casteism…that control of women’s sexuality is also to prevent race and status mixing which is directly tied to ownership of land which is directly tied to conquest of indigenous peoples and taking over of indigenous lands.
And as a result, beauty standards are more often than not also racist. Also, women of color suffer from higher rates of auto-immune disease and are more likely to die from illnesses than women with racial/status privilege. Menstrual pain/disorders, pain a woman experiences during pregnancy and childbirth (and sex) as well as birth outcomes (maternal and child mortality) are all highly correlated with the intensity of patriarchy and racism a women experiences personally and culturally.
Fabulous points! Additionally the medical professionals are trained to discriminate against women of colour due to the perpetuation of out-dated medical books, journals and training where the narrative is that women of colour have a higher threshold for pain, lie about their symptoms and are predisposed to drug addictions... one of the reasons for the high mortality and morbidity rates in childbirth for women of colour
This was so spot on. I was actually stunned to read that you- growing up in the 1990s had exactly the same trajectory that I did growing up in the 1970s. A strong sense of self, a desire for a fascinating, fulfilling engaged life as a child ( although in my day there were few cultural messages that my path could be anything other than wife, mother and maybe support system for a successful man) Then BAM - puberty hit and boys became the focus and the “prize”. The energy and life force I wasted on centering males and putting up with being put down is my biggest regret. I ended up having a rather unconventional life and remained childless which I am content to be. I have to say that menopause ended up being a freeing experience. Most of my post-menopausal friends feel the way I do: we’ve woken up from a spell and are reconnecting with that pre-pubescent child self who felt authentic. I’m starting to wonder if female hormones -as necessary as they are (please see a good gyno who understands how to balance the hormonal shift in peri-menopause and after!) create a kind of mirage and fog that make us lose ourselves to the desire to mate and reproduce. Anyway—- be free, my sisters. We must continue to stay awake and center ourselves in our own life stories.
Like Jane John Jones in the comment above I grew up in the 1970’s and stunned to learn how similar the 1990’s were.
Thank you for another thoughtful, detailed, complete, and wholesome essay. I wish my mom could have told me these truths. I wish I’d told them to my daughter. I’m very glad to read the work you are doing today.
This is fabulous, just fabulous! My wish is for every girl to read this piece.
On boy, yes. I'm a late 60s baby and I too was thinking how familiar this all sounded.
I knew, without being able to articulate exactly why, that I was very uncomfortable with what I was being sold as being the ideal. I'm very comfortable now with never having married or had children, but it was emotionally hard when I was younger.
Wow, Celeste, thank you for taking the time to write this. I have no daughters and 2 20-something sons, and got divorced a few years ago after 29 years with their father. Since then I've been untangling many of these very points, and my own anger at walking blindly into a system that was made to benefit men, not me. I think this is one of the dirty secrets of couples therapy - what women are needing is far more than working on communication. And the narrative that 'you'll need to work on these issues regardless' may have a kernel of truth, but it's based on pair bonding as the standard, not on being a whole and complete person on your own - which, thankfully, I now am! I have no intention of entering into a marital contract again, where I literally sign my bodily ownership over to someone else.
(Trigger warning ‼️)While marital rape is technically a crime , your husband will never be held accountable for it. He would have to also harm you severely, not just rape you- you would have to be severely injured , call the police and have a record of being treated in the emergency room. I have a feeling most marital rape (though some absolutely does!) doesn’t involve being beaten within an inch of your life but definitely involves coercion to the extent that while you have not consented but for fear of the consequences aren’t fighting him physically or maybe you try to physically stop it but that is a futile effort (b/c he is bigger and stronger) and there are kids in the house you don’t want to wake.
Yes marital rape and female obligation to give their husbands sex whether they want to or not is a huge problem. In accusing your husband of rape, you are likely to be further traumatized. It’s a big problem rarely addressed.
When I was in college, I had subconsciously internalized a message that if I got heavily involved with a man that it would mean I wouldn't be pursuing MY dreams any longer. Like, if we got our bachelors degrees and wanted to do additional academic work, then relocation would hinge on the guy's needs. And job locations: the same. I was unconventional in many ways (late bloomer, sexually, and sexual culturally (and socially in some ways)) and didn't tie my self worth to dating ... but the sense of subjugation to a husband's needs still got through.
#2 and #6, all day. I’m so sorry I taught my girls that the way their dad treated me was perfectly okay. Nothing about it was ever okay. Never, never stay in a relationship because of money. I wish it weren’t too late. I would do everything differently.
considering printing this out (and changing it a little bit) for my niece, who is currently 6 and debating if she wants to be Raya the fighting princess or Maleficent. She might need to read this in a few years though
Fabulous post. My immediate thought: "boys should read this, too." Maybe there's room for pre-pubescent talks to all/each gender and also teen talks to same. And even pre-marriage talks, too!
I wish all young women can read this. I did everyone of these things and it took me 25 years to overcome the pain of it. I would photocopy this letter and let every young girl I know read it. Thank you for sharing.
My daughter is in her mid 30s, married with a toddler. Her husband has always been the stay-at-home dad and I have to say, he’s terrible at it! There’s something about how men are socialized that blunts his ability to see his daughter clearly and respond to where she’s at. Plus his multi-tasking skills are abysmal, which is one of the reasons they’re all living with us - so I can cook, do laundry, and watch the kid when he needs to get something done. And so they can afford to live on a woman’s salary, of course!
I’m not just venting, I’m also trying to say that for better marriages boys and men are going to have to develop these traditionally feminine skills.
You seem to be a victim of weaponized incompetence and are being taken advantage of. Time to assign chores to these not so helpless adults. Stop providing them w ur free labor
I did wonder, but he chose to stay at home and values the time spent with his daughter. I also value the time spent with my granddaughter and he’s likely to be cleaning the kitchen while we are playing in the garden.
As if him doing what he should do as an adult as part of living is exceptional. It is not. U r being used and still thinking he is HELPING when it’s just performative. Does he or the other women just do what needs doing or do they just let u do it all bc u r used to being the parent and housemaid?
This is such a wonderful article that I have to leave a second comment. You are so appreciated. In a world where feminists are often blamed for all of society’s ills, your work is a comforting, effective, healing balm for the body and spirit. Thank you for the effort you put into your work that allows you to create one great message after another. We need writers like you more than ever.
I recently (on tik tok) came across a book called When God was a Woman by Merlin Stone about the origins of patriarchy. Just thought I’d mention it here as it seems really interesting (I’m waiting for it to come in at my local library).
I’ll be writing a letter to my daughters STAT thanks for your insight research and updated trend content research to speak on their level. 18 and 21 year old girls. Off to read your son letter now.
Interesting the 2 males only commenting so far are dismissive snd deflections, and think their uninformed opinions about how patriarchy affects women are relevant.
Being a woman of color, and an Indian Hindu woman at that, I would also include how patriarchy is inextricably woven with colonialism, racism, and casteism…that control of women’s sexuality is also to prevent race and status mixing which is directly tied to ownership of land which is directly tied to conquest of indigenous peoples and taking over of indigenous lands.
Yes! Thanks so much for adding this
And as a result, beauty standards are more often than not also racist. Also, women of color suffer from higher rates of auto-immune disease and are more likely to die from illnesses than women with racial/status privilege. Menstrual pain/disorders, pain a woman experiences during pregnancy and childbirth (and sex) as well as birth outcomes (maternal and child mortality) are all highly correlated with the intensity of patriarchy and racism a women experiences personally and culturally.
Fabulous points! Additionally the medical professionals are trained to discriminate against women of colour due to the perpetuation of out-dated medical books, journals and training where the narrative is that women of colour have a higher threshold for pain, lie about their symptoms and are predisposed to drug addictions... one of the reasons for the high mortality and morbidity rates in childbirth for women of colour
I had never thought of it that way. Thank you for putting the pieces together!
This was so spot on. I was actually stunned to read that you- growing up in the 1990s had exactly the same trajectory that I did growing up in the 1970s. A strong sense of self, a desire for a fascinating, fulfilling engaged life as a child ( although in my day there were few cultural messages that my path could be anything other than wife, mother and maybe support system for a successful man) Then BAM - puberty hit and boys became the focus and the “prize”. The energy and life force I wasted on centering males and putting up with being put down is my biggest regret. I ended up having a rather unconventional life and remained childless which I am content to be. I have to say that menopause ended up being a freeing experience. Most of my post-menopausal friends feel the way I do: we’ve woken up from a spell and are reconnecting with that pre-pubescent child self who felt authentic. I’m starting to wonder if female hormones -as necessary as they are (please see a good gyno who understands how to balance the hormonal shift in peri-menopause and after!) create a kind of mirage and fog that make us lose ourselves to the desire to mate and reproduce. Anyway—- be free, my sisters. We must continue to stay awake and center ourselves in our own life stories.
Like Jane John Jones in the comment above I grew up in the 1970’s and stunned to learn how similar the 1990’s were.
Thank you for another thoughtful, detailed, complete, and wholesome essay. I wish my mom could have told me these truths. I wish I’d told them to my daughter. I’m very glad to read the work you are doing today.
This is fabulous, just fabulous! My wish is for every girl to read this piece.
On boy, yes. I'm a late 60s baby and I too was thinking how familiar this all sounded.
I knew, without being able to articulate exactly why, that I was very uncomfortable with what I was being sold as being the ideal. I'm very comfortable now with never having married or had children, but it was emotionally hard when I was younger.
Wow, Celeste, thank you for taking the time to write this. I have no daughters and 2 20-something sons, and got divorced a few years ago after 29 years with their father. Since then I've been untangling many of these very points, and my own anger at walking blindly into a system that was made to benefit men, not me. I think this is one of the dirty secrets of couples therapy - what women are needing is far more than working on communication. And the narrative that 'you'll need to work on these issues regardless' may have a kernel of truth, but it's based on pair bonding as the standard, not on being a whole and complete person on your own - which, thankfully, I now am! I have no intention of entering into a marital contract again, where I literally sign my bodily ownership over to someone else.
(Trigger warning ‼️)While marital rape is technically a crime , your husband will never be held accountable for it. He would have to also harm you severely, not just rape you- you would have to be severely injured , call the police and have a record of being treated in the emergency room. I have a feeling most marital rape (though some absolutely does!) doesn’t involve being beaten within an inch of your life but definitely involves coercion to the extent that while you have not consented but for fear of the consequences aren’t fighting him physically or maybe you try to physically stop it but that is a futile effort (b/c he is bigger and stronger) and there are kids in the house you don’t want to wake.
Yes marital rape and female obligation to give their husbands sex whether they want to or not is a huge problem. In accusing your husband of rape, you are likely to be further traumatized. It’s a big problem rarely addressed.
When I was in college, I had subconsciously internalized a message that if I got heavily involved with a man that it would mean I wouldn't be pursuing MY dreams any longer. Like, if we got our bachelors degrees and wanted to do additional academic work, then relocation would hinge on the guy's needs. And job locations: the same. I was unconventional in many ways (late bloomer, sexually, and sexual culturally (and socially in some ways)) and didn't tie my self worth to dating ... but the sense of subjugation to a husband's needs still got through.
Jeebus, this landed on my 57 year old heart like a boulder 😢
#2 and #6, all day. I’m so sorry I taught my girls that the way their dad treated me was perfectly okay. Nothing about it was ever okay. Never, never stay in a relationship because of money. I wish it weren’t too late. I would do everything differently.
considering printing this out (and changing it a little bit) for my niece, who is currently 6 and debating if she wants to be Raya the fighting princess or Maleficent. She might need to read this in a few years though
I have my grand nieces in mind for a copy of this.
Fabulous post. My immediate thought: "boys should read this, too." Maybe there's room for pre-pubescent talks to all/each gender and also teen talks to same. And even pre-marriage talks, too!
I wish all young women can read this. I did everyone of these things and it took me 25 years to overcome the pain of it. I would photocopy this letter and let every young girl I know read it. Thank you for sharing.
My daughter is in her mid 30s, married with a toddler. Her husband has always been the stay-at-home dad and I have to say, he’s terrible at it! There’s something about how men are socialized that blunts his ability to see his daughter clearly and respond to where she’s at. Plus his multi-tasking skills are abysmal, which is one of the reasons they’re all living with us - so I can cook, do laundry, and watch the kid when he needs to get something done. And so they can afford to live on a woman’s salary, of course!
I’m not just venting, I’m also trying to say that for better marriages boys and men are going to have to develop these traditionally feminine skills.
You seem to be a victim of weaponized incompetence and are being taken advantage of. Time to assign chores to these not so helpless adults. Stop providing them w ur free labor
.
I did wonder, but he chose to stay at home and values the time spent with his daughter. I also value the time spent with my granddaughter and he’s likely to be cleaning the kitchen while we are playing in the garden.
As if him doing what he should do as an adult as part of living is exceptional. It is not. U r being used and still thinking he is HELPING when it’s just performative. Does he or the other women just do what needs doing or do they just let u do it all bc u r used to being the parent and housemaid?
“But forging strong connections requires feminine qualities like empathy, listening, compassion, vulnerability and expressing emotion.”
AND YET! Not all women have these qualities - so cultivate relationships with People who are relational.
This is such a wonderful article that I have to leave a second comment. You are so appreciated. In a world where feminists are often blamed for all of society’s ills, your work is a comforting, effective, healing balm for the body and spirit. Thank you for the effort you put into your work that allows you to create one great message after another. We need writers like you more than ever.
I recently (on tik tok) came across a book called When God was a Woman by Merlin Stone about the origins of patriarchy. Just thought I’d mention it here as it seems really interesting (I’m waiting for it to come in at my local library).
I’ll be writing a letter to my daughters STAT thanks for your insight research and updated trend content research to speak on their level. 18 and 21 year old girls. Off to read your son letter now.
Interesting the 2 males only commenting so far are dismissive snd deflections, and think their uninformed opinions about how patriarchy affects women are relevant.