Dear son, here's what you need to know about patriarchy

Because if we don't teach them, YouTube will.

One of you reached out and requested that I write something up to teach boys about patriarchy without making them feel ashamed to be a boy.

I think these conversations are vitally important, and more often than not, they are not happening.

Boys running into red pill manosphere content is inevitable. At some point in their lives, they will encounter it. We don’t want that content to be their first contact with the words “feminism” or “patriarchy.”

But it likely will be unless we talk to them about these topics first.

So I’m happy to comply with the request to write up some things boys should know about patriarchy. I hope you find this helpful in conversations with the boys in your life. I’ve listed some discussion questions at the end to kick your convo off.

I have two boys. They are both in elementary school. Here’s what I want them to know about being a boy, being a man and the social system they were born into.

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Dear son,

Have you noticed that sometimes being a boy is talked about like it’s a bad thing?

Like if there is a fight at school and someone says, “Let me guess, boys?”

Or on some TV shows when women say things like, “Ugh! Men!” or “Men are the worst.” Or “Men are toxic.”

Or when teachers want a classroom full of girls, and the boys are always getting into trouble?

Does it ever feel like girls can be proud of being a girl, but boys can’t be proud of being a boy?

Like your boy-ness or masculinity is something to be ashamed of?

I don’t want you to feel even a lick of shame that you were born a boy.¹ I don’t want you to feel like you are doomed to become “toxic” or “the worst” as you become a man.

I want you to rejoice in and celebrate your maleness, same as your sisters can celebrate their femaleness.

I love your boy-ness. I love how fun, silly, energetic and clever you are.

Centuries of women’s inequality are not your fault.

You were simply born a boy into a patriarchal world.

In some ways this will make your life easier. In other ways it will make your life harder.

You need to be educated about the social structure you were born into.

Men in charge is called patriarchy. We currently live in a patriarchy where men are mostly still in charge at home, in government, business and religion.

In the past 100 years, women have been gaining equality, but still only 26 of the 193 countries in the UN are currently led by women, and many of those for the first time. Only 10% of Fortune 500 companies have female CEOs. Many of the world’s leading religions don’t allow female leaders.

Unfortunately you will not learn this information at school. The history of patriarchy, and particularly history from a woman’s perspective or anything about women’s history is almost never taught.²

It’s often just assumed that men in charge is the way things have always been and the way things always should be. But that’s not true. We’ve had other systems and many places in the world still have other systems. Those systems have worked great.

I didn’t learn about the history of patriarchy until I was 36! And only because I read a lot of books on my own.

We’ll talk more about the history of patriarchy in a minute, but let’s start with how our current form of patriarchy will affect your life specifically.

Being a man in a patriarchal world will make your life easier in some ways:

• You don’t get interrupted as often.³

• You’re more likely to be promoted at work, and receive mentoring to move up in your job.⁴

• You are more likely to be believed, especially in court.

• You are less likely to be sexually assaulted or raped.

• You are more likely to be confident.

• You are less likely to have a chronic illness and are more likely to have your physical pain taken seriously at the doctor.

• Everything from seat belts to sleep schedules to history, religion and marriage were all created by men for men.

But being a boy in a patriarchy will make your life harder in other ways.

Because we live in a patriarchy, masculinity and masculine traits are valued above femininity and feminine traits.

When I say “masculinity” and “femininity” I don’t mean traits that men are born with and women are born with. I mean a set of expectations for how boys and men behave (masculine) and how girls and women are expected to behave (feminine).

Wikipedia defines masculine traits as strength, courage, independence, leadership, dominance, assertiveness. It defines feminine traits as gentleness, empathy, humility, nurturance and sensitivity.

Because of this hierarchy where masculinity is valued above femininity, men are punished for acting feminine while women are rewarded for acting masculine and belittling femininity themselves.

Have you ever noticed that girls can have boy names but boys are made fun of for having a girl name? Or girls can play with trucks and dinosaurs but boys are taught to not play with dolls? Or how lots of girls play basketball but not many boys do ballet?

Girls and women are encouraged to be “like a man” and be strong, tough and successful. But the opposite is not true. Men and boys are not encouraged or rewarded for acting “like a woman.”

This is at the heart of what is difficult about being a man in patriarchy. Because some “girly traits” are really just human traits and are actually really important parts of being a human.

The problem isn’t the masculine traits themselves like strength, courage, independence, leadership and assertiveness. It’s good for all humans to develop those qualities. The problem is when boys and men can’t be empathetic, gentle, humble, sensitive or nurturing (ie- feminine). All humans should also be developing those qualities, but in a patriarchy, men are conditioned never to develop or display qualities considered feminine.

Have you noticed boys around you being made fun of when they break one of these “boy rules?” Like if they like a girl TV show? If they wear something girly? If they throw like a girl? If they hang out with girls more than they hang out with boys? If they cry?

Have you ever felt like you aren’t allowed to cry but girls can?

It’s a really crappy system huh? I wish it were different. I wish you could cry, watch whatever shows you actually like and express your feelings as easily as your sisters can without anyone thinking it was weird or uncool.

Have you felt the pressure to always act like a boy and never act like a girl?

Most boys and men report feeling this pressure. A researcher named Ruth Whippman interviewed some young men for her book BoyMom. Here’s what those boys said about the pressure to always act manly:

“There’s just this fear of being a feminine man,” a 12th grader in New York told me. “Like society’s undertone is almost forcing these masculine values — they’re kind of trapping you.”

“You always have to prove and reprove it,” a 19-year-old in California said, in a conversation about the role of masculinity in his life. “It includes the way that you see yourself, the way that you connect with others, the way that you motivate yourself.”

“I have it ingrained in me that I have something to prove at all times,” as one 20-year-old described it. “There’s a feeling of never being enough.” - Ruth Whippman, NYT

A researcher named Michael Kimmel described it this way:

“Men are in power as a group but do not feel power as individuals... Men were raised to believe themselves entitled to feel that power, but do not feel it. No wonder men are frustrated and angry...

Failure to embody the rules of manhood is a source of men's confusion and pain... it is unrealizable for any man. But we keep trying, vainly, to measure up. American masculinity is a relentless test."

There is relentless pressure to be as manly as possible, but even if you are the richest, muscley-est man with the hottest wife, your manly status can still be taken from you with one girly choice or behavior. It’s so fragile.

You should just be able to exist as a human without needing to prove anything, but many men feel a constant pressure to prove they are a “real man.”

Often this pressure isn’t really talked about or even noticed. Many men go their whole lives without really thinking about it or noticing it. It just seems normal.

There have been some interesting studies that show that when a man feels less manly in one area, like strength, he will try to make up for it in another manly area, like making lots of money.

Here are some interesting research findings that study this:

• When men were told they scored low on a handgrip strength test, they were more likely to then lie about their height.⁵

• Men with baby faces are more likely to display hostile behavior and commit crimes.

• Men who are unemployed are more likely to be violent inside the home.

• When men are told they score lower on masculinity tests, they are more willing to act aggressively, harass women and belittle other men.

• When men were divided into two groups- one braided rope, one braided hair, they were then presented with a choice to work on a puzzle or punch a punching bag. The men randomly assigned to braid hair overwhelmingly chose to punch the punching bag and did so more aggressively than those who braided rope.

It’s good to be aware of this invisible pressure because you can never change what you can’t see, but if you start to see it, then you can decide what to do when you feel that pressure.

The other really unfortunate thing about all of this is that you will probably feel lots of pressure to be masculine, but the stronger you adhere to “rules” of masculinity, the less likely you are to be happy and healthy.

There is this psychology professor named Robert Levant who has studied men and masculinity for over 30 years. He has come up with seven traits of Western masculinity:

1. Avoidance of femininity

2. Restrictive emotionality

3. Self reliance

4. Importance of sex

5. Toughness and dominance.

6. Achievement and status.

7. Negativity towards sexual minorities.

This professor found that the more a boy or man commits himself to sticking to the seven principles of masculinity, the more likely he is to experience psychological distress, have difficulty forming close relationships, become depressed, anxious or suicidal and have issues with substance abuse and violence. They are also less likely to ask for help or seek therapy or emotional support.

Another study that followed people around for 85 years trying to find the #1 most important indicator in predicting someone’s life long health and happiness. You know what they found? They discovered that happy people have the strongest relationships. Strong relationships are more important than diet, fitness, air quality or wealth.

When men are surveyed they report having fewer friends than women, but they also report wanting more fulfilling friendships and relationships.

And why can’t they?

It’s not that love, happiness and friends are impossible for men- it’s that those things will be WAY harder if you are never allowed to act “like a girl.”

Building strong relationships requires all sorts of girly attributes like compassion, care taking, deep listening, empathy and vulnerability.

The more “manly” a man tries to be, the more he is cut off from the primary ingredient to life satisfaction.⁶

This is very important to be aware of.

I hate that you are in this position at all, but the younger you can understand this, the better- studies show that the more you try to always be masculine and never be feminine, the less healthy and happy you will be.

Professor Robert Levant when asked what the answer is to help boys and men said, “we have to stop making boys and men feel that masculinity is obligatory.”

It’s understandable of course why boys feel that masculinity is obligatory—they are pressured into it and rewarded for it by parents, peers, girls and other boys, but it’s really important that you understand that performing masculinity is not obligatory.

I can’t stop other boys in your life from making fun of you for crying or acting in other normal human but non-masculine ways, but I can tell you that your worth doesn’t depend on being manly. You are worthy of love and belonging just by being you, not because you’re “a real man.” Your value is inherent and innate. It doesn’t go up or down with how people see you. You don’t have to prove it or earn it.

When asked what men should do to counteract this pressure to always be masculine, Professor Robert Levant recommends going to therapy first off.

Then he said this,

“beyond going to a therapist, I would say to men who might be listening who might have some of these issues, we have to brave the shame. We were made to feel ashamed of ourselves for not being fully masculine, and that was nonsense. If you're married, if you have children, you have to learn how to open up your heart to your family, to really let them in, to take the barriers down. You can do it. It's not easy, you will feel bad about it, you might feel ashamed of yourself. But honestly, those lessons you learn as a child are not valid, and a better approach is to have an open heart and an open mind and to freely express your emotions to the people you care about.”

I’m hoping you feel free to express your emotions now, so you won’t have to unlearn that expressing emotion is something to be ashamed of later in your life.

What you need to know about the history of patriarchy in the West

Lots of people see messages of women’s empowerment and think “why do they need empowerment? Men and women are completely equal. There are women bosses, presidents and leaders. Women don’t need any special privileges anymore. They are just being whiney.”

It’s not at all hard to find millions of people online who feel this way. I’m sure you will encounter them at some point.

But the unfortunate truth is, we are not taught the history of patriarchy.

Even though women make up half the population, the first women’s history college course wasn’t created until 1970! Learning about half the human race is still considered non-essential, but it’s really important to understand how we got to where we are today and how our history still affects our present.

Let’s go way back to where all this started so we can see how we got here.

In the Neolithic Era, about 10,000 BC to 2,000 BC, we have evidence of egalitarian societies where men and women were equal.

In Minoan Crete for example, all the houses were the same size, husbands moved into the wives’ homes and there is no evidence of a royal family or a ruling elite. The ancient civilization of Catal Huyuk in modern-day Turkey was structured similarly and they left behind many statues of Goddesses.

Some Catal Huyuk ruins. Source.

These egalitarian societies left behind art filled with nature and beauty, there is very little evidence of weaponry or war.

But then around 3500 BCE the Kurgans and other warring tribes invaded Europe.

Shortly after is the first evidence we have of burials in Europe where the graves of male leaders included the skeletons of sacrificed women.

This is also when we start seeing spears, knives and bows and arrows being buried with men, and when the art starts depicting wars and battles.

The goddesses who ruled the Neolithic period were demoted and replaced by all male gods- often violent ones.

Where once male and female were divine, now only male was divine.

Still to this day when you hear the word “God,” the assumption is male.

Humans also went from nomadic hunter-gathers to stationary agrarian societies in the Neolithic period.

For the first time humans claimed ownership of land and property.

Historian Gerda Lerner points to this transition as the birth of patriarchy (spread across roughly 2500 years) as it ushered in the establishment of private property, government and religious rule- all of which came to be ruled by men.

Initially Neolithic societies were matrilineal- meaning property was passed from mother to child. Ancestry was traced through the woman’s line and children would inherit the mother’s name rather than the father’s.

This made a lot of sense because before paternity tests, there was really no way of knowing for sure who the father of a child was. Only a child’s mother was certain and provable because babies come out of the mother.

So, naturally, name and property would move directly from mother to child, and ancestry and posterity would be traced through the mother.

But eventually, certain men wanted control of property and legacy.

Sidenote: This is an important facet of patriarchy to understand. Men and patriarchy are often used as synonyms, but they are not synonyms. Patriarchy is the system which was set up by a few men to rule over everyone else. Men suffer under patriarchy.

It is a system that allows for the most greedy, aggressive and selfish men to rise to the top and dominate over everyone else.

A small minority of men have been allowed to rule and make life worse for everyone else- men and women alike. Sidenote out.

In order for men to pass their name, property and legacy onto their children- they had to control who women were allowed to sleep with.

Specifically, they had to force women to only have sex with one man so each man could ensure who their children were.

They called this arrangement marriage and codified it into law for women throughout Europe and the Near East.

Women were criminalized and often killed if they slept with a man before marriage or with a man other than her husband after marriage. The same rules did not apply to men.

The earliest written records we have (that we can translate) are from Assyria, around 3000 BC.

Here’s are some quotes from humankind’s earliest written laws:

From the rule of Urukagina:

“If a woman speaks disrespectfully to a man, that woman's mouth is crushed with a fired brick."^{4 (source: Gerda Lerner’s The Creation of Patriarchy)}

From Middle Assyrian law 59:

“A man may scourge his wife, pluck her hair, may bruise and destroy her ears. There is no liability therefore. These actions could be carried out in private, but any legally inflicted punishment such as 'tearing out of the breasts, cutting off of the nose and ears must be carried out by an official."

From Middle Assyrian Law 55:

“If a married man rapes a virgin who lives in her father's house... the father of the virgin shall take the wife of the ravisher and give HER to be dishonored. He shall not give her back to her husband, but shall take her. The father shall take his daughter who has been ravished as a spouse of the ravisher.”

From our earliest writing, women were considered the property of men. Men were punished not for harming women, but for taking another man’s property.

A man could hit, hurt or rape another woman with little to no consequence. But a woman could not even speak one word of disrespect to a man without being hurt.

So women went from being equals with men into total subjugation.

But why am I talking about this at all? This was a million years ago.

Well… actually, women not having their own legal identity, but being considered the property of men continued until just 50 years ago in the US!

Up until the 1970s, when a woman married, legally, her husband owned all of her possessions including all of her money, her things, her children and her body.

A woman could not own her own property without a man until 1974! She couldn’t get a credit card in her name until 1974! She couldn’t get a loan for a business without a man until 1988! It wasn’t illegal for a husband to rape his wife in al 50 states until 1993!

You know how most women when they get married change their last name into their husband’s last name?

This is one of many left overs from this same patriarchal system established thousands of years ago where when sons became adults, they were their own person, but daughters legally remained the property of their fathers’ until they got married. This is why we STILL have the tradition of boyfriends asking their girlfriend’s father for permission to marry her. (Yes your Dad did this very thing before asking me to marry him, he first asked my father for his permission). Historically and still in many parts of the world, marriage was a business transaction of father selling his property—his daughter—to another man.

So the long ago history of women’s subjugation isn’t so long ago at all.

And in certain parts of the world, it’s still very much the present. 28 percent of people worldwide STILL think it is justified for a man to beat his wife.

Women in Afghanistan are stoned for adultery just like they were thousands of years ago. In many ways, Afghanistan is even worse than hundreds of years ago, as women aren’t even allowed to speak, sing or even show their eyes in public.

So, how have state and religious rulers kept women from rebelling against an unfair system for so long?

A few ways:

In order to keep women under their control, here’s what patriarchal rulers have done:

• They withheld a woman’s access to reading, writing and education.

• They ensured only men’s stories got told and written down. They erased women’s contributions to innovation, government, invention, religion and all areas of society- often attributing their contributions to a man instead.

• They told women from the time they were little children that serving their husband and children was the sole purpose of their existence, their sacred duty and the divine will of God.

• They then rewarded women who complied with patriarchal rule of male husband, male king, male prophet and male God and severely punished women who spoke out or complained- at worst killing her or physically abusing her, at best calling her crazy, hysterical, shrill, undesirable, ugly, stupid or fat.

• They demoted all existing female dieties from powerful creators to subordinate wives and mothers to male Gods. Then they erased female Goddesses altogether.

• Even though women are the creators of life and all life is born through a woman, they re-wrote all origin myths and creation stores to exclude women, claiming male gods created all life on earth.

• Instead of everyone having equal, innate access to food and shelter (as it was during hunter gatherer societies), they created laws that said you can’t have food or shelter unless you pay for it. Then they withheld the ability to earn money from women. They made women dependent on a man just to eat and live in this world.

• They erased, burned or buried spiritual texts written by women and claimed all spiritual texts must be written by a man to be valid.

• They severed women from power to change anything in society or even in their lives by not allowing them to vote, run for public office or hold any position of power.

• They controlled a woman’s decisions if and when to have children.

• They policed what a woman is and isn’t allowed to wear and laid all the blame and responsibility for men’s sexual misconduct on women.

• They said that men are entitled to sex, and it is a woman’s duty to be the object of a man’s pleasure.

• They made it so a woman’s only power lied in her ability to attract a man, thus ensuring that women use a large portion of their time and energy trying to be more thin and beautiful.

A lot of this stuff is only beginning to change.

We are living in a really unprecedented time. For the first time, millions of women are able to be financially independent —able to provide herself with food and shelter— without a man.

For the first time, millions of women have the choice whether to get married or not.

It’s only so recently that women are even allowed to complain about men without being beaten, medicated, jailed or thrown in an asylum.

From the 16th all the way to the 19th century, outspoken women were silenced with a scold’s bridle- a metal muzzle with a tongue depressor.

source: Getty images

Women could be forced to wear one for anything from nagging her husband, speaking out against abuse, preaching in public, complaining or voicing a dissenting opinion.

In some parts of Europe, it was customary when a husband turned his wife in, for him to parade her around the town in a scold’s bridle to further deter her and any female on-lookers from speaking badly about their husbands.

It wasn’t until 1975 that most U.S. states allowed wives to bring criminal action against a husband who inflicted injury upon her.

For the first time, women can speak out against a man who rapes her or beats her without being punished (although women do still face people not believing them and shaming their character when they speak out against a man, like with actress Amber Heard).

We still have a long way to go. One in four women still experience sexual abuse or violence. One in five men admit to sexually abusing women.

And in the home, women still do the majority of the domestic labor even when both husband and wife work full time.

If you’re still thinking, but I didn’t create the patriarchy!

You are right. You did not. And the weight of thousands of years of patriarchy’s sins towards women are not yours to carry.

But it is your responsibility to learn about the world you were born into.

Without understanding our very recent history of women being men’s property, without understanding how our current system of patriarchy harms everyone, without understanding our unique moment in history, you may very well hear women speak of their mistreatment and think women have become sensitive jerks all of the sudden.

If you never learned any of this history and you notice women complaining about men or marriage or sex, you might think “What’s wrong with her?”

If you notice lots of “girl power” messages without understanding our 8000 year history of women’s subjugation, you might think this is terribly unfair to empower women. “What about the men?” you would ask.

You didn’t create the patriarchy, but you need to understand our history and how it affects you.

How does it affect you?

Well, it’s not as blatant as in the past, but there are still a lot of unconscious messages that men are entitled to power over women- in relationships, sexually, at work. Have you noticed any talk that men should be the ones in charge? That they are better or smarter or tougher? That women should keep quiet or stay at home?

There are still many men who don’t want to be friends with women- who think a woman is only useful to him for sex.

At some point, you will encounter videos on YouTube from men who think that all of the world’s problems are women’s fault or feminism’s fault, that men are unfairly discriminated against, that women are only good for sex and that men are entitled to sex with women no matter what.

There are many men who don’t want women to have equal opportunities. They want to turn back the clock to when women were reliant on a man to provide for them and rule over them. There are many men who think a world where women have equality is a world that isn’t fair for men.

What do you think?

You get to choose

We tend to live our lives as if we are actors in Act 1 of a play- we get to act out whatever we want.

But that’s not true. We are not born into Act 1 of a play with a blank slate. We are born in the middle of an on-going play- in Act 2. In order to have true freedom over our part, we must go back and understand the structural, cultural scripts we were given in Act 1.

Only when we understand the scripts we were handed based on our gender, sex, race, class, culture, religion and family can we start to choose what we want to do with that.

This is just the tip of the iceberg, but I’ve tried to outline some of the historical strings you’ve been given as a boy born into a patriarchy.

Now you get to choose what it is you want to do with it.

What is it you want to do with it?

I love you. I’m proud of you. I’m rooting for you.

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So that’s some of what I want to teach my sons. What about you?

This was truly just the tip of the iceberg so let me know if you want me to make this a series- how to talk to sons about sex, about dating, about marriage, etc.

And next up, I will do a “Dear daughter, here’s what you need to know about patriarchy post.”

For now, as promised, here are some discussion questions to get these conversations going with the boys in your life:

• Do you feel like boys and girls are treated differently at school? Why?

• Do you ever feel pressure to not act like a girl? Why do you think that is?

• What have you been taught about women’s history at school?

• Have you ever heard of the patriarchy? What are your thoughts?

• Do you feel like you fit in with the boys in your grade? Why or why not?

• Do you find it easy or hard to make friends with boys? How about with girls?

• Do you think men and women are treated equally in our society? Do you think they should be?

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Do you enjoy thinking about and discussing all things patriarchy and feminism?? Cool me too! Come discuss with me and the Matriarchal Blessing community by becoming a paying subscriber. We meet quarterly on Zoom.

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1. I’m writing this article educating straight cis boys about patriarchy, but we also have conversations that they don’t have to be either of those things.

2. In an article in the Washington Post, one high school senior noted that in her AP US history textbook, despite 20+ page chapters dedicated to each of the wars the US has participated in, there is one paragraph, less than 100 words dedicated to “women,” mentioning they can now vote.

In an article in TIME Magazine, one mother says this, “My daughter’s 4th-grade textbook History-Social Science, California Studies (Houghton Mifflin) includes a six-page chapter, “A Call for Equality,” that covers the years 1960 to 1975. There is a discussion of Martin Luther King, Jr., the Civil Rights Act, and Cesar Chavez. Dolores Huerta, who co-founded the United Farm Workers, is only mentioned briefly. There is just one sentence about the Women’s Liberation Movement: “Women also spoke out against unequal treatment in the 1960s.” - Jennifer Lee in TIME magazine

Not one of the women mentioned by name. The message is clear to students: “You don’t need to remember these women.”

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• Women are twice as likely to be interrupted than men are.

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• Men were 1.55 times more likely to receive promotions than women in 2024.

5. All of these studies are from Liz Plank’s book For the Love of Men.

6. This is an essay for another time, but this isn’t the only area where you will have to choose between status and health/happiness. It works the same way with race and class- the more rigidly someone tris to gain status by performing all the rules of whiteness or wealth perfectly- the more miserable they tend to be. Strong relationships are always the best ticket to health and happiness and chasing status blinds and distracts us from forging strong community.