Good Fruit Bad Fruit Part 2

Part 2 of 4 of my fictional story of BYU couple Parker and Alyssa. This week Parker deals with arousal and pornography shame.

First off if you haven’t read Part 1- read that here.

Second off a very heartfelt THANK YOU to all those who commented their encouragement last week!

Your kind words really fueled my writing this week and helped me silence my inner stinker as I experiment with fiction for the first time.

Hope you enjoy reading part 2 as much as I enjoyed writing it :)

---

After a magical weekend, Parker wants to see Alyssa every day, but he still wants to play it somewhat cool, so he settles on every other day.

Normally Parker would plan out a proper date on a Friday night, but he knows Alyssa is the spontaneous type, so they decide to just set out from Alyssa's apartment and see where the night leads them.

A few blocks into the walk, around 7th and 7th, they see a lot of cars, lights and noise in front of a house up ahead.

"Looks like someone's having quite the party," Parker says casually.

Alyssa looks at him, eyebrows raised, excitement sparkling in her eyes and says, "C'mon! Let's go!" She grabs his hand and starts running toward the party.

"Whoa Alyssa! Hang on! We don't know them! We weren't invited."

Alyssa turns and says, "Parker, there look to be well over 100 people congregated in that house and lawn- do you really think the party throwers would notice or mind if we join the crowd?"

"But……. what if they are ax murderers?" Parker says still being dragged by Alyssa.

"Hm, good point,” she says and stops. “Good thing I'm with you. I'm sure you'll win them over with your sunny personality and they'll think twice before murdering us." She smiles and continues to lead him towards the music.

"Alyssa......" Parker whines dragging his feet.

"Parker Jane. Adventure is calling," Alyssa says still pulling his arm a few steps ahead.

"Alright, but if either of us calls the distress call, we have to leave no questions asked, deal?"

"Deal. What's the call?"

"Warbler."

"Like mimic the birdsong of a warbler or just say the word 'warbler?'"

"I was thinking just the word, but now I kinda want to hear your warbler call."

"Too bad the probability of me being the one to make the distress call is so low."

"Sigh, what kind of numbers are we talking?"

"I'd give it 1 in 1000. I like dancing. C'mon!" Alyssa says with a huge grin.

Parker rolls his eyes, but he’s smiling. They approach the house party. The lawn is covered with groups of students talking, red cups in hand. Parker is immediately uncomfortable. Red cups?! Isn't that like text book for alcohol? Oh gosh, are these people drunk? Who even are they?!

Alyssa smiles and says hi to everyone who looks at her. She compliments one girl's shoes and another girl's hair. Alyssa is still two steps ahead of Parker holding his hand. She leads them inside. The music is so loud Parker can feel the beat in his bones. The living room isn't huge, but every inch of it is covered with people dancing. Dozens of them. There isn’t one overhead light on in the whole place. It’s lit up by strobe lights and a disco ball.

Alyssa immediately joins the crowd, closes her eyes and starts dancing. She looks so innocent and happy. She reminds him of how his little sister looked when she used to turn their old CD player all the way up in her room and dance her heart out.

Parker found Alyssa endearing all the time, but especially so when she was dancing. There was just something about her that drew him in. She was like a magnet.

He suddenly really wanted to dance right up near her. And if there ever was a place for that kind of dancing, this was it. So, why not? Why not live a little as Alyssa would say? He came up to her and started dancing.

"Oh Parker!” Alyssa said grinning, “I'm so glad you like to dance!"

"Whoa there, let's not be hasty. I like you. The jury is still out on dancing."

Her smile grew even bigger. Suddenly, they are pushed closer together as more people come into the room behind them. Parker keeps looking down at Alyssa’s hips. He wants to put his hands there. When someone bumps into him from behind, he seizes the moment and puts his hands on her hips. He's pretty awkward about it, but if Alyssa notices, she doesn't make it known. She just keeps on swaying the way she was. He gets closer. Their bodies bump together every few seconds as their respective swaying patterns intersect. Alyssa puts her hands in the air, practically inviting him to wrap his arms around her waist. He takes in a breath. Where was that confidence she was going on about? He does it. Now they are dancing as a unit, and slowly his discomfort ebbs away.

That distress call strays further and further from his mind. In fact, a few songs in has him feeling rather euphoric and free. He looses sense of time dancing with her. He notices he is smiling.

This is a good song.

.........................

That night as Parker goes to bed, his smile has faded. He gets on his knees and prays,

"Dear Heavenly Father, Please forgive me for being aroused tonight. Forgive me for putting myself in a situation where I would be aroused."

.........................

The next night is Saturday night and Parker takes Alyssa to a movie. He wants to hold her hand all night and when she puts her arm on their armrest, he goes for it.

The whole movie, he can feel their attraction for each other hanging heavy in the air, and he is anxious to go some place more private.

After the movie its about 10:30pm. They have until midnight until the honor code turns him into a pumpkin, so they go into her apartment. It's dark. Her roommates must be out. She asks if he wants some water or anything. He says no.

She gets herself a glass of water without turning the kitchen light on. The room is dimly lit from the porch light. The air is prickly with magnetism. He closes the distance between them while she is filling up her glass and wraps his arms around her waist from behind like he did when they were dancing. Close is not close enough, he leans his chin down against her shoulder. She stops filling up her glass and moves her hands along his forearms. He turns towards her neck. He can't help himself, he kisses it. She turns her body towards him.

His arms remain hugged around her, now on her back, and he brings one hand up her back and into her hair. They look at each other for a moment, and suddenly they are kissing. Slow and gentle at first, but after a minute she draws a sharp inhale, pulls his hips towards hers and things pick up. In 20 minutes they are both panting. The make out session ends up lasting almost an hour, only ending when her roommate comes home and they are interrupted. They spring apart immediately and look like raccoons caught in a trash can at night.

They say good night awkwardly in front of Alyssa’s roommate and he starts driving home.

Parker knows exactly what he will to do when he gets back to his apartment. He knows exactly which video he wants to pull up on his phone. The desire for release is palpable, pulsating throughout his body.

He vaguely knows he will regret it, but that’s for tomorrow. He isn't going to think about tomorrow now. All he can think is release, release, release.

He goes home, thank goodness his parents helped him out with paying for his own room. He doesn't bother with the light, goes straight to his bed, pulls up that video into his phone, clicks play and......... within five seconds he's undoing the button on his pants. Release, release, release.

He finishes the video. Goes to the bathroom. He doesn't want to think of the ramifications. He'll deal with it tomorrow. The prayer he's dreading, prayed for the millionth time, the empty repentance promising never again. Not real repentance, because that would mean actually never doing it again, but he knows he will. Forever damned to this hamster wheel. Repent. Regret. Repent. Regret. Round and round he goes.

And worst of all, oh gosh, Alyssa will probably want to break things off once she finds out. They always do. They may say they won't in the moment, but over the next few weeks, the texts drop off, they are suddenly busy and then poof, gone. Why would Alyssa want to be with him anyway? Best to get the conversation over with quickly before he falls even harder for her.

Don't think about it, don't think about it, save it for tomorrow. Parker goes to sleep. No bedtime prayer tonight.

...........................

In the morning, the porn hangover hits as it always does. Guilt, shame, fear- the trifecta he’s become so well-acquainted with accompanies his breakfast. He’s learned its best to get this part over with sooner rather than later. Resigned he goes up to his room, kneels on the side of his bed and repeats THE prayer.

“Dear Heavenly Father, I'm sorry. It happened again. Please forgive me my impure thoughts, for being alone with Alyssa, for pulling up the video. Please forgive me and help me to have the Spirit so I won't be tempted again."

It's not great, but it beats meeting with the bishop again. If he can just keep praying and reading his scriptures the bishop promised him Heavenly Father would help.

He opens his Book of Mormon at random. But he's not paying attention. He's thinking he better rip off the Alyssa bandaid now. He commits himself to confessing his porn struggle to her tonight.

He’s uncomfortable all through church. He uses his phone to distract himself from his discomfort for a lot of it.

After church he texts Alyssa,

"Hey, want to go for a walk? Something I need to tell you."

"Oooh, sounds serious. I'm in. Meet at my place?"

"Yeah, give me 20 min?"

"Done."

His palms start sweating on the drive over. He knocks on the door and Alyssa looks so genuinely happy to see him, he winces. She comes in for a hug and kisses him on the cheek. Parker half-heartedly hugs her back.

If Alyssa notices his aloofness, she doesn’t mention it. She says, "Want to come in? My roommates are out."

"Uh, yeah sure," Parker says as he comes in and takes a seat on her couch.

Alyssa sits next to him close enough so their knees are touching and asks, "How was your day?"

Parker scoots just an inch away and shrugs, "Fine. Pretty normal Sunday. How about you? How was church?"

"I will also say fine. And now that we've gotten the required pleasantries out of the way, I'm very curious to know what the very serious thing that you must tell me is."

"Ah. I was hoping the pleasantries would last longer before we got there," Parker says looking down.

"Well then by all means, let's carry on pleasantry-ing. You'll just have to excuse my pre-occupation as my mind unconsciously tries to guess what the very serious thing is."

"Well now it doesn't seem as though the pleasantries will be so pleasant."

"I apologize."

"Alright, straight to it then?"

"I think so, yes."

Parker hesitates for a moment gaining his courage. He finally resolves to just get it over with quickly. "Uh...... you would think I would be better at this since I've done it a few times, but it never gets easier. Ok, here goes, Alyssa, there's something you need to know about me, something you deserve to know about me before things between us......... continue."

"Ok."

Parker takes a breath, then another. He's still looking at the ground but can feel Alyssa looking right at him.

"Um. I...... have a problem with pornography."

Alyssa cocks her head and asks, "What's the problem?"

"Well, I mean, I view it."

"What's the problem?" Alyssa asks again without skipping a beat.

Parker mistakes her lack of alarm for flirting and needs her to know this is a serious conversation.

"Alyssa, I'm serious. Believe me, I'd rather not be having this conversation. I'd rather keep it to myself and let whatever is between us keep unfolding, but I know it will only be worse when it eventually does come out, so I'm just trying to be honest from the start."

"I really appreciate your honesty Parker, thank you for telling me." Alyssa says this so gently Parker finally risks looking up at her and her face is nothing but tender as she asks, "Why don't you tell me a little more about it."

Parker is feeling slightly more at ease so he tells her, "So, it started when I was 15. I was curious so I looked some stuff up. And it's been going on ever since. I talked to my home ward bishop about it a few times, and my BYU bishop here twice. I'm doing what he says- scripture, prayer, repentance- all of it. But...." Parker looks down again as he says, "I had another relapse last night."

Alyssa is quiet. Parker can feel a lump forming in his throat. He promises himself he is not going to cry as he says, "I get it if you don't want to see me anymore, but if I could ask a favor- I'd prefer if you just tell me straight out instead of going on a few more dates just to be polite and then ghost me."

Alyssa furrows her eyebrows and asks, "Parker, why would I want to stop seeing you?"

Ugh, she's not getting it. Ok, no more beating around the bush.

"Alyssa, are you hearing me? I have an addiction. I've been trying to quit for six years now. I thought my mission would solve the problem," his voice catches, "but it didn't." Oh no, don't cry. Don't cry. "If anything," he says slowly, "it seems to be getting worse. I'll probably be struggling with this for....... I don't know, but I'm afraid it might be forever?" He can't help it, the tears have formed of their own accord. He turns his head and blinks quickly hoping hoping she doesn't notice.

Alyssa sckootches nearer to him, wraps her arms around him and leans her head on his shoulder. Parker is still trying to just focus on breathing. He turns his body towards hers but keeps his arms in the position they were in- folded across his chest. They stay there on the couch with both of them holding Parker for a minute.

Once Parker's breathing slows, Alyssa pulls back and says, "Parker, I am being serious when I say I don't see a problem here. And I very much hope to keep seeing you."

Oh gosh, that starts the tears right back up, but Parker is caring less and less and doesn't even try to hide his emotion as he says, "You would want to keep seeing me even while knowing I'm not worthy?"

"Worthy? Parker, of course you're worthy of me."

"Not of you- like, of God."

Alyssa pulls back even further and asks, "Parker do you really believe that? That you aren't worthy of God?"

Parker shakes his head like it’s obvious and says, "I know I'm not."

"Parker, what do you think God would do or say if God were here right now?"

"I don't know Alyssa. I don't..... really want to think about that. I already know He is disappointed with me, ok? He probably couldn't even be here because He can't dwell in unholy places."

Alyssa pauses for a minute before she softly asks, "Do you want to know what I think?”

Parker shrugs, so she continues, “If it’s true that God is our loving parent, if an actual loving parent were in this room right now, they wouldn’t stand far away shaking their head in disappointment, unable to step into your unholy bubble. They would run to you. They would cradle you in their lap. They would stroke your hair. They would hold you until you got all your tears out, until any thought of that word 'unworthy' evaporated, not making a lick of sense. They wouldn’t nod their head and say ‘yes keep feeling like a piece of trash. That’s what I want. Every time you touch the nerve endings I put in your body, I want you to feel guilty.’ No! They would lovingly put your face in their hands look in your eyes and say, 'you are not broken baby, you’re not unholy, you are whole and good and loved and worthy just as you are. You are exactly who I created you to be, doing exactly what I created you to do.'

Parker I believe that about you too,” Alyssa says as Parker starts crying again. “Parker, look at me.” She grabs his hands, looks in his eyes and says authoritatively, “You are good. There is nothing wrong with you. Not one thing. You are not broken. You are good. You are worthy. Right now. Just as you are."

Parker sits there for a minute with Alyssa’s hands holding his. He feels embarrassed that he cried so much, even more embarrassed that he has to confess this at all, but he’s never had a girl react the way Alyssa has. Normally they get uncomfortable and awkward. They try to put on a brave face while hiding their disappointment. But Alyssa seems genuine in not being concerned about it.

He has so many feelings, he can’t work them all out. Eventually he says honestly, "Well, thanks for not breaking up with me. I think I'd rather be alone right now if that's alright. Rain check on the walk?”

"Of course, I'll call you tomorrow."

Parker stands up and starts heading to the door. Alyssa turns him around and gives him a hug as she says,"Good night Parker."

.........................

Parker drives home and texts his mom he isn’t feeling well so he won’t be at Sunday dinner.

He’s not hungry anyway. He lays on his bed scrolling through his phone, but he can’t stop thinking about what Alyssa said. Something about it is bothering him.

Sometime around 9:30pm he decides to just bring it up with her.

They’ve been chatting in their DMs pretty much everyday so he types out his thoughts there.

"Soooo, about today. Thanks again- that was a very loving response and not what I was expecting. I've been thinking about what you said, and something isn't quite sitting right with me. I'm not sure how to explain it, but like do you really think we can just do whatever we want with no consequences? Because I don't think that's how it works. There are consequences for sinning. There have to be. And Heavenly Father gives us commandments because they are our best shot at happiness. Godly sorrow is the natural result of sinning and it needs to be."

He stares at it for a minute, corrects a few things and then clicks the blue send arrow.

In less than a minute Alyssa responds with,

"So God has needed you to feel like trash for the past 6 years? And God will continue to need you to feel this way....... forever? He needs you to hate yourself to be happy?"

Parker shakes his head and gives the screen an exasperated look. He types something, deletes it. Types something else, deletes it.

Soon five minutes has passed and Parker feels annoyed he has to explain the basics of how the plan of salvation works to Alyssa. She should know.

Soon her three responding dots appear and she says, "You'll know it by its fruits Parker. Seems to me this whole Godly sorrow thing? The fruit is rotten. It is not delightsome or delicious. If Godly sorrow is a means to an end- whatever the end, if self-loathing is the cost? It's too high."

"Eternal life with your family would be worth any cost."

"What kind of God would separate you from your family forever unless you display an adequate level of sorrow about yourself? What kind of God would EVER separate anyone from anyone they love for all of eternity?? I can't imagine that level of cruelty. Even for the worst human."

Parker just sits and stares at the screen at Alyssa’s message for 10 whole minutes. He’s never heard it laid out that way before. Eventually he responds, "God is bound. It's just the way it is. He is loving because He sent us His son so we CAN live together forever with our families."

"Who is binding God Parker? Who is God's God?"

Who is this girl? What is she talking about? He responds, "He is bound by justice. Without Him and His plan we would be damned forever. He created the plan for us to save us."

"I don't believe in a God bound by justice. I believe if God is God- the one in charge of everything, the creator of the earth and plans - I can't believe that God would create a system where their children are innately damned. Before we do anything, damned. Unless we follow a strict plan.

Like imagine an actual parent for a minute. One on earth. Let’s make it your dad for example. Your dad has children. He loves his children. Once each is born he says, ok, I've built you this house to learn and grow. I’m going to live in a big, clean, perfect house far away across town. Your whole life in your house is a test to determine whether you are worthy to move back into my house with me one day. If you don't pass the test, I still love you, but I will separate you from your spouse, mother, siblings and children forever. You can't live with anyone you love unless you pass this test and obey my rules. I will send you my oldest son to help you. Good luck.

Does that feel like love? Parker, we would call child protective services on that parent. No, I reject a God bound by a cruel universal law of justice. If there really is a God, I have to believe that God is bound by love above justice. That God knows that mistakes and messiness and porn and shoulders and Sunday hikes are all just a part of this big beautiful mess. That all this messiness is INCLUDED in the plan- not against it- not a reason to separate us from our loved ones for eternity unless we apologize for existing every day.”

Parker didn't want to argue. He couldn't make sense of his own thoughts anyway.

Before he shut down his laptop for the night, he noticed one last message from Alyssa,

“Parker, I can’t believe God is cruel. I choose to believe God is nicer than the very nicest person I can even imagine. And a nice person just wants things FOR their beloveds, not FROM them. I kinda think God is just that piece inside all of us that pulses love and joy and hope and connection and goodness. And if God and goodness is inside us, we aren’t innately bad. Or innately damned.”

He shut his laptop. He knew she was wrong about one thing at least- she was wrong about God being cruel. "God so loved the world that He sent His only begotten son." John 3:16. His favorite scripture. He knows God isn’t a bully. He just has to work under certain parameters.

Something else was bothering him though. Alyssa’s way of thinking was one he knew his father would roll his eyes at. He could picture his dad saying, "Everyone just wants to do whatever they want and say God approves," in a condescending tone. There was a piece of his dad inside Parker too.

But there was also a tiny part of him that latched onto something Alyssa said. She was right when she said the fruits of six years of Godly sorrow hadn’t born good fruits. Just more porn and more shame. Double bad fruit.

But he couldn’t just shrug and keep sinning! He knew that wasn’t the right answer either, but he couldn’t figure out what was.

He would love nothing more than to live without this constant porn struggle, this constant heaviness about it. About himself. He always thought his only route to freedom was eradicating porn from his life, but what if that wasn’t true?

What if he could be free…. anyway?

---

Thanks so much for reading! Stay tuned next Sunday for Part 3 and if you liked what you read, please tell me! It will help fuel next week’s edition.