How to Celebrate Christmas After Deconstructing Christianity (in 3 easy steps!)
Here for all your new meaning and tradition finding needs.
Downstairs in a box in our basement, we have a beautiful silky green robe with matching head scarf reserved for whoever played Joseph in our family Christmas Eve nativity reenactment.
Growing up my family didn’t have many traditions, but acting out the nativity on Christmas Eve was one of them.
We have a white kimono style robe that Rich got for me in China in that box. When my daughters were smaller every year they would fight over who got to be the angel and wear this robe. We would have to look back at last year’s pictures to make sure we were taking fair turns.
Last year, we got out the costumes. We were set to do what we had done the year before that- celebrate Jesus as a defender of the weak, a radical social justice warrior who ate with lepers and prostitutes.
But we just…. weren’t really feeling it. We asked the kids, “Do you guys want to act out the nativity this year?” Immediately all four kids said, “No.” My daughter said, “We do this because YOU want to. Not because we want to.”
Oh. And here I was putting on this song and dance for the kids so they wouldn’t be disappointed by change (read to the end of the article to see what new traditions are replacing this one).
Celebrating something you no longer believe in can be awkward. Changing up how you’ve always done things can be tricky.
Last week I talked about how you definitely don’t have to believe in Jesus to celebrate December 25th. Read it to revel in how historically justified you are to have a Christmas tree, mistletoe, caroling, gifts and feasts on December 25th without paying homage to baby Jesus.
This week I wanted to offer some more specific ideas around reframing this time of year for those of us whose beliefs have shifted/are shifting.
I’m hoping to make this article as valuable as possible, so here’s my 3 step plan to reframing Christmas:
Grieve your losses.
Experiment with new meanings.
Try out some new traditions based on your new meanings.
Grieve Your Losses
When you leave the church, there is a lot of pressure to keep that smile plastered on your face lest give your believing loved ones ammo to point their finger and say, “Ah-Ha! Unhappiness! I knew it! This is what happens when you leave the church.”
But this pressure to use happiness as justification for our decision to leave sometimes blocks us from the natural need to grieve change.
Just because we grieve doesn’t mean we made a mistake.
Last week while we were driving together a friend said to me, “I hate the commercialism of Christmas, I always have. But now that I don't believe in Jesus it feels like the commercialism is all that's left to me. I loved the sacred aspect but that's gone now."
We’ll circle back to new sacrednesses in a second, but it’s ok to grieve change. It’s ok to miss when you could listen to “O Holy Night” and just feel uncomplicated Christmas magic. It’s ok to mourn when pulling out your nativity set each December brought you warmth. It’s ok to be sad if you don’t fit in when your extended family’s Christmas party is all about Christ.
Before our way of life can be reborn, our old one must die. Death is messy. Death warrants grief. This isn’t bad or good, it just is.
Experiment with New Meanings
For some, the loss of the sacred around Christmas is nothing but a relief. No need to feel guilty about not doing enough service projects, secretly enjoying the secular more than the spiritual, or not having enough Christ-centered time in the hustle and bustle.
If you are thriving this time of year without any special sacred meaning- thrive on my friends! We’re cheering you on.
But if you like my friend, kinda miss having a special sacred meaning this month; if you want to bring back those Christmas-y goosebumps that arise from celebrating something you align with- here are a few ideas for new meanings to play around with:
CONNECTION TO THE NATURAL WORLD
In ancient Rome, above all December meant the end of harvest season. Since so much of their attention and energy went to this necessary work, the end of planting and reaping meant TIME TO PARTY. And time for some much needed rest. Their Saturnalia festivities revolved around thanking the earth for its bounty and hoping for a plentiful planting next season.
In the book Wintering, Katharine May talks about embracing winter as the trees do. For the trees winter is not a time for production or growth, it is a time to shed their leaves, to rest, to derive sustenance from their roots.
Like the trees, we are not meant for constant productivity and growth. We need rest. We need nourishment. We need permission to not show off our shiny leaves all year. We need to shed.
December is a wonderful time to shed, to rest, to renew, to connect with the season’s natural cycles, to celebrate the earth’s gifts, beauty and bounty.
ADVENT OF LIGHT / HOPE
For the ancient Persians, the first sunrise after the longest night of the year was a sacred one. They called it Yalda1. They would wait up all night on winter solstice together with their loved ones eating and telling stories. Then they would head outside so they would all be together when the light first broke after the longest dark.
It is the perfect symbol of hope. The representation that dark periods don’t last forever. The sun will rise. The days will lengthen. The earth will keep turning.
Might as well cling to those you love during the dark times.
Ancient people from all over the world held remarkably similar celebrations on the winter solstice and for similar reasons. The Norse, the Slavs, the Celts, Indigenous tribes in America and Australia all celebrated the advent of light after dark as a symbol of hope.
COZINESS
With seasonal depression and such little light in the winter, you would think that the Danish would be some of the most unhappy people especially in the winter. But they are not. In fact, many studies show that Danes are the happiest people on earth.
Why?
They’ve figured out how to winter well. And they hold coziness with an almost sacred reverence.
My cousin gifted me The Little Book of Hygge last year, and it’s such a good one to read in December. It’s all about how to honor the Dane’s tried and true worship of coziness.
Whip out the candles, fuzzy blankets, warm drinks and 3-4 of your fave people and celebrate cozy time.
DEATH AND REBIRTH
For the ancient Slavic people, in their celebration of Karachun, they really leaned into honoring the darkest day of the year. It was all about death and mourning. No need to put on a fake smile on this day. If the earth is dark, we can be dark. Lean in to the dark.
But then the next day was all about the resurrection of light. Turning a corner of rebirth after death. The plants all die in the winter, but the plants are reborn in the spring.
The days before the solstice embrace death. The days after the solstice embrace rebirth.
This can be a very natural time for those of us with changing beliefs to mourn the death of our old ways of life and welcome and celebrate the new.
EATING GOOD FOOD WITH PEOPLE YOU LIKE
At least once a week I think about this thing I heard Martha Beck say on a podcast years ago. She said, “What if the purpose of life isn’t to find your purpose or save the world or have a successful career or family. What if the purpose of life is just to eat yummy food with people you like?”
Damn I like that so much. It’s so freeing. Also I love yummy food. What if that’s why I’m here? I like to think I’m living out my life’s purpose whenever I find myself eating delicious food in good company.
The great thing about redefining spirituality, is WE get to decide what is sacred. I’ve decided food and friends are sacred and worthy of celebration.
In researching for this article I came across this quote on Reddit from someone talking about embracing Christmas as an atheist. They said
“To many, Christmas means God, but to me Christmas means love. I celebrate my friends, and my family, and all of my loved ones.”2
Gift giving is a natural manifestation of celebrating those you love this time of year. That’s more than enough of a reason for the season.
Ok as a last exercise in finding new meaning, read this list of words slowly to yourself. Pay special attention to which words spark something in you- some resonance or excitement:
renewal
awe
wonder
beauty
rebirth
light
nature
seasons
hope
connection
creation
savor
slow
Which words were your favorite? Can you re-dub December as the time of _____ [insert your favorite word here]? The time of awe? Month of connection?
Try Out Some New Traditions to Align with Your New Meaning
If the word “traditions” sounds too overwhelming or concrete, swap it for “practices” or “experiments.” We’re just playing here.
The following are a few ideas to play around with for each of the meanings proposed above. These could be done alone or with friends or family. As a repeating ritual on a set day in December or just casually tried out whenever strikes your fancy.
CONNECTION TO THE NATURAL WORLD
Go for a winter hike either by yourself or set a day in December where you all go as a family.
Book a cabin or yurt for a few days or if you’re extra adventurous go winter camping
Read a book that helps bring out the nature lover in you. A few of my faves:
The Overstory (I liked this one so much I wrote a whole post about it here)
The World-Ending Fire by Wendell Berry
Go to the woods and enjoy a winter campfire.
ADVENT OF LIGHT / HOPE
Don’t band-aid feelings of grief and sadness this month. Lean in to the darkest month of the year.
Don’t turn on any lights on the longest night of the year- eat, read, chat all by candlelight.
Wake up early on the morning after the longest night of the year to watch the sunrise.
Meditate on seasons of dark and light in your life. Honor both.
Journal about what you loved and hated about this year. Write down what you are looking forward to in the next year.
Do a candle circle with your family where you sit in a circle and one by one light each other’s candles as you each say something that brings you hope.
COZINESS
Have everyone in the family put on their coziest pjs, light a fire and make some wassail.
Do a puzzle by candlelight
Watch Christmas movies snuggled under fuzzy blankets.
Gift each other cozy slippers, sweaters and books and host a proper cozy night.
DEATH AND REBIRTH
Light a yule log. Write down a few things you are wanting to release in your life. Burn that list over your yule log.
Listen to this guided Yule Meditation
Host a family winter solstice night where you stay up late, write what you want to create this year and share with each other.
EATING GOOD FOOD WITH PEOPLE YOU LIKE
Host a gathering with your favorite food and your favorite people.
Plan a Yalda celebration where you invite friends over on winter solstice to stay up late chatting and eating together on the longest night of the year.
Ask a few friends what their favorite treat is. Make it for them and deliver it with a heart-felt note.
Want more meaningful tradition ideas that feel connected to your ancestors?
I got you.
Here’s what you’re going to do: 1. figure out where your ancestors hail from. 2. type into google “How was December 25th celebrated in ____ [country of ancestor origin] in 1850?” or 1750 or 1500 or 1900.
Poke around the google and see if anything strikes your fancy.
Here are a few freebies to get you started:
If your family hails from Sweden, consider celebrating St Lucia.
From Finland? Consider visiting a sauna and/or the gravesites of relatives.
Norway? Light that yule log and feast on a yule hog.
Mexico? Poinsettias hail from Mexico (and first came to America with a minster who came back from Mexico). Piñatas are a traditional part of their Christmas celebrations.
France? French farmers used to keep a log lit from Christmas till New Years, then sprinkle those ashes on their harvest for the next year for good luck.
Ukraine? The youngest kid looks out the window for the first star to appear and only then can the Christmas feast begin.3
What we’ll be doing this year
Not a whole lot has changed for us around Christmas. I still play “O Holy Night” on my harp. Still have “God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen” on my Spotify Christmas playlist (such a bop). We still display our one wee nativity on our mantle.
But the box of nativity costumes will remain in the basement this year.
Instead, on Christmas Eve we turn out all the lights and hand out a long white candle for each person. The first person lights theirs and says something they love about the person to their left and then lights their candle, then we continue one by one around our little circle. When all our candles are lit we say what we love about our family then we sing a song. I think last year we sang Silent Night and We Wish You a Merry Christmas.
It’s lovely. (My nine year old liked it so much he wanted to repeat it on both Martin Luther King Jr Day and Veterans Day)
We’ve also added two new Christmas traditions this year:
Jolabokaflod
I’m super excited about this one. For winter solstice this year our family will be celebrating the Icelandic tradition of Jolabokaflod, which means “Christmas book flood.”
In Iceland in World War II many traditional Christmas gifts and foods were rationed, but paper wasn’t, so instead of gifting clothes and food, people gifted books. The tradition stuck.
How do you celebrate? On the longest night of the year you gift each other books, then stay up late into the night reading books while drinking cocoa by the fire.
Those are like all my favorite things.
My family has already drawn names and each person has picked out a new book for their secret Jolabokaflod recipient. On Friday we’ll make some wassail and cocoa, light a bunch of candles, put on our cosy pjs, build a few cozy nooks with pillows and stuffies by our fire place and let the kids stay up late with us reading their new books by the fire.
Fun right?! Can’t wait.
Winter Solstice with Friends
Also new to us this year is celebrating winter solstice with friends. This actually just happened tonight as I’m writing this. I was lucky enough this year to be invited into a “pagan curious” group that celebrates the Spring/Autumn Equinox and Beltane as well as winter solstice.
But it would be easy enough to set up your own. We’re following the book The Magical Year: Seasonal Celebrations to Honour Nature’s Ever-Turning Wheel.
Tonight we all lit candles in little lanterns and took a walk around a pond. At sunset we read about the solstice including a visualization from the book. Then we ate a potluck dinner and listened to the violin, harp and piano players in our midst, read some poetry, sang some songs and enjoyed each other’s company. Oh and the whole party was lit by candle light. So lovely. It really scratched that festive itch.
Ok, hopefully now you are brimming with ideas and inspiration for reclaiming this time of year as your own. Please share with us what new meanings and traditions you’ve begun in the last few years or what you want to start!
❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
That is all.
Love you, Celeste. Thank you for these posts about Christmas. They were soooo validating and healing and cathartic.
I love the celebrations of life and family in this post.