Like a niffler collecting shiny things, I’ve been stealthily hoarding quotes, anecdotes and life lessons about women’s beauty standards for years. Today I open my treasure chest and bestow all my gems
Telling people what they “should do” is the easy bit. Digging deeper into the cultural forces that shape us and explaining why we find it difficult to do what we know we should is the more difficult but 100x more effective work.
I’ve said this before, but we can’t shame ourselves out of systemic scripts — the best we can do is understand them, be realistic about the costs of resisting them, and find metabolisable ways of fostering change.
Not being a woman, I've always known at some level how bullsh*t beauty standards are, but I hadn't put some of these dots together like the pink tax and the cultural requirement to use those products. The socioeconomic and class implications are eye opening too. Very well written, thank you!
I am fighting this bullshit! My gray hair is almost to my waist and it’s a deeply felt “fuck you” to the anti-agers. I heartily reject all the pressure to look younger.
Yesss, revolutionary crones, unite! I am approaching 50, and I have refused to wear a bra in social or professional settings for about 10 years. Originally I wasn't making a statement...I simply hate them. Yet, it makes people bizarrely angry.
I was recently going through decades of photos, printed in the era before cell phones made everything digital. I was disturbed to note that in EVERY SINGLE PICTURE where I was in the frame, my first thought upon looking at my younger self was "how fat do I look in this picture?". Sigh. And I am someone who has never worn makeup, stopped shaving my legs when I retired, let my hair go gray instead of coloring it, don't have any sort of beauty routine...but it's hard-wired in me. Ugh
Relatable. Sadly, when I look at pictures of my younger self, I can often remember how that younger version of me felt about that particular photo, and it was usually positive if I passed whatever thin threshold I was using on myself at the time and not positive if I felt like I didn't.
Raising a daughter in this era feels impossible. She is beset with pop culture beauty standards, her middle school friends are dieting, and tiktok pushes videos with attractive faces versus average faces. Is there enough mother's love to fill her with body confidence?
Excellent article. For most of my life (now 69) I've done my best to work in jobs where I could dress comfortably, wear flat shoes, and mostly go without make-up. I never got paid a whole lot, but I did work that I found interesting and allowed me to travel. I still rarely bother with much make-up and my hair is going gently grey. I feel frequently bemused, betrayed, and sad when I see women spending so much of their hard-earned money and time on "beauty" products and procedures.
Yes, thank you for pointing out that “women’s currency” is only currency within a patriarchal system. There’s someone in my life who is always talking about women’s “sexual capital” or something along those lines and I think: so many women want to be seen for who they are, not how they appear. They don’t want this capital, yet they have it — the currency exists — because the larger system exists. We spend paper and numbers on a screen because of our larger monetary system!
To be female is to be scrutinized, judged, blamed and shamed for your appearance.
I have a skin condition that precludes me from participating in the majority of female beauty rituals and it has become more and more clear that it gives me a sort of freedom even along with its discomforts and loss of “currency”.
And yet, all this beauty ritual is the source of bonding as well. As I sit here my twelve-year-old is gleefully showing me her newly painted nails done by a neighbor friend and I celebrate with her because I understand that it matters.
I also occasionally attend a drop in community figure drawing class and my eyes are open to just how beautiful the human body is in all its varieties. Wrinkles are actually so beautiful in contrast. These drawing classes are a holy practice of love and acceptance for humanity that I wish everyone could experience in their youth before their perceptions of acceptable bodies congeal.
Our relationship to bodies is such a messy business.
Beauty rituals often are sources of bonding- that's so true. Some of my fondest memories growing up are getting ready for dances with my girlfriends- doing each other's hair and makeup. And your figure drawing class sounds so beautiful.
You are such a great writer, Celeste. I appreciate the time, energy and all the resources you put in to researching and writing. I feel much more compassionate towards the women in this world and all the systemic problems we can’t easily escape.
I just turned 70 & it's bizarre that younger women need to be educated about this but thanks for doing so, because it's obviously needed. Women my age & maybe a generation older took these things apart ~40 to 60 years ago. Very retro age we're in, like the 50s on steroids. Another thing that's odd, to me, is that some of the women who seem to have excessively bought into the current all-subsuming beauty culture are also vehemently verbally against it. I found a happy medium years ago. It helps tremendously to be aware of the socio-political framework. Thanks for writing this.
Wow, I’ve never made the connection before that a woman worries about “beauty” because our body is (or has been) our currency. 🤯 It’s so obvious, since we didn’t have the same rights as men, that we basically *needed* to attract a man and get married in order to have access to these basic rights. I’m almost 51 and spent my life wanting to be thin/beautiful, always feeling that I’m falling short. I’ve blamed media/magazines/culture but I’ve never considered the deep history.
My mom is 82 and is still preoccupied with the size of her body in spite of always being healthy, active, generally happy. She only recently made a realization that she can’t compare herself to women who are much younger than she is. It’s so sad that this takes up so much space in our minds.
Thank you so much for this article and the fascinating, horrendous old advertisements. We’ve come so far, but of course we are still striving for that ideal because it really hasn’t been that long. We’re still being fed the same messages, living in an imbalanced system.
It seems that there is more pressure for women to look "good" in the USA than in Europe, particularly in my country, Finland. I watched the Netflix reality show The Late Boomers and found it astonishing how made up the women were and how ultra-feminine and uber-sexy their outfits were and how high their heels! You would not see women dressed like that in Finland, except perhaps on certain occasions such as office xmas parties where people really make an effort to look attractive : )
But here are some good news: Getting old enough helps! When you are over 60 no one cares anymore how you look and how much Botox you´ve had because you are considered over the hill anyway. No amount of make-up saves you from ageism, after you are considered too old. Like me. I am 65 and I know no one pays any attention to what I do or how I look anyway so I have all the freedom in the world to really not give a fuck 😆. It is liberating!
So hang in there sisters and wait until you´re old. You´ll be fine! And on your own! And that is actually great!
At 65 years old, I have spent 54 of those years thinking I was fat. This was all fueled by my mother who perpetuated that narrative. Like the woman in the tik toc the negative notes and thoughts on the way I look are a constant byline running through my head. I have a running dialogue as well of what I think other people saying or thinking about me. It is a false narrative and I know that. I am very loved by many and what they think of me is the total opposite of the narrative I make up. I can say it doesn’t matter and that I even know that and know that everything going on in my head doesn’t matter, but it sure is difficult to let go of. I am making progress and it is becoming easier to break the circuit to those thoughts but they still linger. What a waste of energy and negativity I have filled my mind with through the years.
What a fabulous gift is this essay! A thousand yeses! Of course we cannot just get up and walk away from internalized ageism weightism and all the rest when the consequences are so extreme. A must read!
Taking my 82 year old mom to the doctor and watching the jubilance in her voice bc she weighs 126 and “pats stomach” has a flat stomach.. as she fusses at the doctor who tells us she needs to weigh 140 lbs. Everything you just wrote about… my Roman Empire is the same. And I have 2 daughters and I feel like I have not done a great job ending the cycle… but I tried to be mindful… meanwhile perimenopause tire making me cuckoo but I do love all the things my body does for me on the daily without being asked. Ugh
Massively appreciate this work Celeste.
Telling people what they “should do” is the easy bit. Digging deeper into the cultural forces that shape us and explaining why we find it difficult to do what we know we should is the more difficult but 100x more effective work.
I’ve said this before, but we can’t shame ourselves out of systemic scripts — the best we can do is understand them, be realistic about the costs of resisting them, and find metabolisable ways of fostering change.
Amen!!!
What a brilliant essay
You made me cry and laugh in equal measures. I have 3 daughters and one is a make up artist!!
I feel compelled to send this their way. I was very judgmental about Nicole Kidman , but you have explained it so well , I get it
Thank you, that must have taken strength to write
Heather
Wrote a bit about that here: https://open.substack.com/pub/theuntethereddilemma/p/interlude-its-not-you-its-us?r=1f7q2z&utm_medium=ios
So well, said Shane!
Not being a woman, I've always known at some level how bullsh*t beauty standards are, but I hadn't put some of these dots together like the pink tax and the cultural requirement to use those products. The socioeconomic and class implications are eye opening too. Very well written, thank you!
I am fighting this bullshit! My gray hair is almost to my waist and it’s a deeply felt “fuck you” to the anti-agers. I heartily reject all the pressure to look younger.
Me too! I’m graying -away and have a permanent scowly face from dealing with everyone’s shit.
Same!
❤️ it! 🤣🤣🤣
Yesss, revolutionary crones, unite! I am approaching 50, and I have refused to wear a bra in social or professional settings for about 10 years. Originally I wasn't making a statement...I simply hate them. Yet, it makes people bizarrely angry.
Excellent sentiment! Good for you! A resounding YES!!!
I totally relate to this!!! I’m just entering my “cannot stand bras” phase. Thanks for sharing 🤍
Yes! This!
I was recently going through decades of photos, printed in the era before cell phones made everything digital. I was disturbed to note that in EVERY SINGLE PICTURE where I was in the frame, my first thought upon looking at my younger self was "how fat do I look in this picture?". Sigh. And I am someone who has never worn makeup, stopped shaving my legs when I retired, let my hair go gray instead of coloring it, don't have any sort of beauty routine...but it's hard-wired in me. Ugh
Relatable. Sadly, when I look at pictures of my younger self, I can often remember how that younger version of me felt about that particular photo, and it was usually positive if I passed whatever thin threshold I was using on myself at the time and not positive if I felt like I didn't.
That reminds me of the quote: I wish I were as thin as I was when I first said 'I'm so fat'. That quote always send me into a deep depression.
(I'm loving reading your work!)
Raising a daughter in this era feels impossible. She is beset with pop culture beauty standards, her middle school friends are dieting, and tiktok pushes videos with attractive faces versus average faces. Is there enough mother's love to fill her with body confidence?
Excellent article. For most of my life (now 69) I've done my best to work in jobs where I could dress comfortably, wear flat shoes, and mostly go without make-up. I never got paid a whole lot, but I did work that I found interesting and allowed me to travel. I still rarely bother with much make-up and my hair is going gently grey. I feel frequently bemused, betrayed, and sad when I see women spending so much of their hard-earned money and time on "beauty" products and procedures.
Yes, thank you for pointing out that “women’s currency” is only currency within a patriarchal system. There’s someone in my life who is always talking about women’s “sexual capital” or something along those lines and I think: so many women want to be seen for who they are, not how they appear. They don’t want this capital, yet they have it — the currency exists — because the larger system exists. We spend paper and numbers on a screen because of our larger monetary system!
To be female is to be scrutinized, judged, blamed and shamed for your appearance.
They don’t want this capital yet they HAVE to have it in order to be heard and seen for their actual work and passions.
"To be seen as who we are" ❤️ I think ♂️ would love this too- outside of patriarchy. TY.
I have a skin condition that precludes me from participating in the majority of female beauty rituals and it has become more and more clear that it gives me a sort of freedom even along with its discomforts and loss of “currency”.
And yet, all this beauty ritual is the source of bonding as well. As I sit here my twelve-year-old is gleefully showing me her newly painted nails done by a neighbor friend and I celebrate with her because I understand that it matters.
I also occasionally attend a drop in community figure drawing class and my eyes are open to just how beautiful the human body is in all its varieties. Wrinkles are actually so beautiful in contrast. These drawing classes are a holy practice of love and acceptance for humanity that I wish everyone could experience in their youth before their perceptions of acceptable bodies congeal.
Our relationship to bodies is such a messy business.
Beauty rituals often are sources of bonding- that's so true. Some of my fondest memories growing up are getting ready for dances with my girlfriends- doing each other's hair and makeup. And your figure drawing class sounds so beautiful.
You are such a great writer, Celeste. I appreciate the time, energy and all the resources you put in to researching and writing. I feel much more compassionate towards the women in this world and all the systemic problems we can’t easily escape.
I just turned 70 & it's bizarre that younger women need to be educated about this but thanks for doing so, because it's obviously needed. Women my age & maybe a generation older took these things apart ~40 to 60 years ago. Very retro age we're in, like the 50s on steroids. Another thing that's odd, to me, is that some of the women who seem to have excessively bought into the current all-subsuming beauty culture are also vehemently verbally against it. I found a happy medium years ago. It helps tremendously to be aware of the socio-political framework. Thanks for writing this.
At age 69 I am still struggling with how I look. I want to look attractive, but at my age, no one cares. I’m the invisible woman.
Embrace your super power! Start shoplifting.
Invisible to whom? Make noise. Attract yourself and care for that 69 year old bad-ass. I bet others will follow, too--just find the ones that matter.
Wow, I’ve never made the connection before that a woman worries about “beauty” because our body is (or has been) our currency. 🤯 It’s so obvious, since we didn’t have the same rights as men, that we basically *needed* to attract a man and get married in order to have access to these basic rights. I’m almost 51 and spent my life wanting to be thin/beautiful, always feeling that I’m falling short. I’ve blamed media/magazines/culture but I’ve never considered the deep history.
My mom is 82 and is still preoccupied with the size of her body in spite of always being healthy, active, generally happy. She only recently made a realization that she can’t compare herself to women who are much younger than she is. It’s so sad that this takes up so much space in our minds.
Thank you so much for this article and the fascinating, horrendous old advertisements. We’ve come so far, but of course we are still striving for that ideal because it really hasn’t been that long. We’re still being fed the same messages, living in an imbalanced system.
A great article, thank you.
Some thoughts:
It seems that there is more pressure for women to look "good" in the USA than in Europe, particularly in my country, Finland. I watched the Netflix reality show The Late Boomers and found it astonishing how made up the women were and how ultra-feminine and uber-sexy their outfits were and how high their heels! You would not see women dressed like that in Finland, except perhaps on certain occasions such as office xmas parties where people really make an effort to look attractive : )
But here are some good news: Getting old enough helps! When you are over 60 no one cares anymore how you look and how much Botox you´ve had because you are considered over the hill anyway. No amount of make-up saves you from ageism, after you are considered too old. Like me. I am 65 and I know no one pays any attention to what I do or how I look anyway so I have all the freedom in the world to really not give a fuck 😆. It is liberating!
So hang in there sisters and wait until you´re old. You´ll be fine! And on your own! And that is actually great!
At 65 years old, I have spent 54 of those years thinking I was fat. This was all fueled by my mother who perpetuated that narrative. Like the woman in the tik toc the negative notes and thoughts on the way I look are a constant byline running through my head. I have a running dialogue as well of what I think other people saying or thinking about me. It is a false narrative and I know that. I am very loved by many and what they think of me is the total opposite of the narrative I make up. I can say it doesn’t matter and that I even know that and know that everything going on in my head doesn’t matter, but it sure is difficult to let go of. I am making progress and it is becoming easier to break the circuit to those thoughts but they still linger. What a waste of energy and negativity I have filled my mind with through the years.
What a fabulous gift is this essay! A thousand yeses! Of course we cannot just get up and walk away from internalized ageism weightism and all the rest when the consequences are so extreme. A must read!
Taking my 82 year old mom to the doctor and watching the jubilance in her voice bc she weighs 126 and “pats stomach” has a flat stomach.. as she fusses at the doctor who tells us she needs to weigh 140 lbs. Everything you just wrote about… my Roman Empire is the same. And I have 2 daughters and I feel like I have not done a great job ending the cycle… but I tried to be mindful… meanwhile perimenopause tire making me cuckoo but I do love all the things my body does for me on the daily without being asked. Ugh