Can we save $35 billion and get women what they actually want on Mother's Day?

Question: What do my great grandma, Anne Hathaway and my Instagram followers have in common? Answer: They want to be seen as more than just a mom.

This is my great-grandmother Celia. She died when I was six, so I never really knew her. But she was my mother’s hero, so I’ve heard a lot about her.

According to my mother, there was no better woman than Celia. The perfect grandmother. The perfect mother. There with a bandaid when you were hurt. There with a cinnamon roll when you were sad. Kind. Warm. A smile that made you feel like everything would be ok.

To get an idea of her lifelong commitment to serving others, here’s a snippet from the Deseret News article announcing her death:

“A Red Cross volunteer during World Wars I and II; director, president and vice president of the Utah Peace Officers Auxiliary; a Salt Lake Temple ordinance worker; National vice president of the Daughters of the Utah Pioneers… a DUP member for 54 consecutive years, the Days of '47 Committee and chairman of the Pioneer Park Pageant, member of the Salt Lake Council of Women; a ward Relief Society president three different times and a counselor for 15 years in the Wells Stake Relief Society.”

Quite a woman.

Recently I read her life history, which mostly reads like a reverse to-do list. For instance, in describing the day of her husband’s funeral she wrote:

“It was Monday morning and I had gotten up that morning and set some salad. And Cleora, my niece, was visiting from New Orleans. And the next day I was going to have my sister’s family and my girls to lunch. And so I got up to get a few things done that morning before I went up to the funeral. Because I had a lesson to give that Tuesday morning and I had to get things ready.”

(Got that mental image of my great-grandma crafting a church lesson and setting jello salad the morning of her husband’s funeral clear in your head? K great, it’s going to provide an important backdrop to this next story.)

Thankfully, there is one portion of her history that stands out among the many to-dos. In her 50s, before the death of her husband, Celia took a bus across the country from Salt Lake City to Philadelphia to go help her daughter (my grandmother) with her first child (my aunt). The baby was born pre-mature and had to stay in the hospital for a month, which left Celia with an unprecedented amount of free time.

For the first time in her life, she found herself spared from the daily domestic labor and volunteer work that ruled her days. With her daughter and granddaughter staying in the hospital, Celia was alone a lot that month. She wrote,

“I just got out on that subway and went some place everyday. Oh studying history! I love history. I had studied about the liberty bell and all these things in Philadelphia. And here I was seeing them! I walked to a little Swedish church down by the waterfront that was the oldest church. I walked for blocks and miles to get to see where maps would point out some interesting place. I was so excited. I went everywhere.”

This part gets me emotional every time I read it. Something about my great-grandmother experiencing all this adventure and alone time, having the space to pursue her own interests and hobbies in the midst of a life that provided so little of that. I don’t know, it hits something deep.¹

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Last week, the movie The Idea of You dropped on Amazon Prime. It’s a movie about a 40 year old single mom (Anne Hathaway) who starts dating a 24 year old rock star (Nicholas Galitzine).

The internet is still deciding if it is ok for a 40 year old mom to do this.

Some say it’s disgusting. Some say it’s fun.

Personally, I liked what

lyz

Lens had to say about it in The Rolling Stone:

MIDDLE-AGED WOMEN DON’T have a lot of fun in movies. If we are depicted onscreen we are often shown as harried, hypercompetent mothers and wives. We are tragically divorcing or exhaustedly raising our children. Sometimes we do some (alleged) murder. Other times we walk into the sea.

But the horny, stylish romps onscreen are usually reserved for the younger, less encumbered women — women who are more tabula rasa than palimpsest. And I understand. I am a 40-year-old woman in America. It’s hard to have fun in life, much less in a movie. Every woman my age I know is exhausted…..

I was talking to my friend about the movie this week and she said, “Its just nice to see a mom my age as the main character centered in her own story. We’re almost always the supporting character in others’ stories.”

Ain’t that the truth. In movies and in life. We sign away our main character casting when our first child is born.

From thence forth we set our sights on becoming the best character in a supporting role.

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Wait isn’t this an article about Mother’s Day?

It is, yes, we’re getting there. Thank you for your patience.

Let’s talk about Mother’s Day.

Do you know how Mother’s Day came to be a holiday?

No?

Excellent, let me tell you a story about the founder of Mother’s Day, one Anna Jarvis.

On May 10, 1908 Anna held a memorial service for her mother and other mothers of their church in Philadelphia (my own great-grandmother would have been seven at the time). Many years before she had heard her mother say of her grandmother:

“I hope and pray that someone, sometime, will found a memorial mothers day commemorating her for the matchless service she renders to humanity in every field of life. She is entitled to it.”

Anna began writing letters to newspapers and politicians pushing for Mother’s Day to be an official holiday. In 1914, her wish was granted.

Her joy at this accomplishment was short-lived, however since Anna was vehemently opposed to the commercialization of Mother’s Day. She meant the day to be an intimate day of gratitude for one’s own mother, not a for-profit celebration of capitalism.²

The History Channel described Anna Jarvis’s campaign against her own holiday:

“Seeking to regain control of the holiday she founded, Jarvis began openly campaigning against those who profited from Mother’s Day, including confectioners, florists and other retailers. She launched numerous lawsuits against groups using the name Mother’s Day, and eventually spent much of her sizable inheritance on legal fees.

In 1925, when an organization called the American War Mothers used Mother’s Day as an occasion for fundraising and selling carnations, Jarvis crashed their convention in Philadelphia and was arrested for disturbing the peace… By the 1940s, Jarvis had disowned the holiday altogether, and even actively lobbied the government to see it removed from the calendar.”

Knowing that even the founder of the holiday hated the holiday makes me feel deeply justified in my own crotchety feelings towards Mother’s Day.

I’m particularly fond of this quote of hers:

“A printed card means nothing except that you are too lazy to write to the woman who has done more for you than anyone in the world. And candy! You take a box to Mother—and then eat most of it yourself. A pretty sentiment.”³

Delightful.

Thanks Anna.

Can you imagine what dear Anna would say if she could see what’s become of her holiday?

source: National Retail Federation

Last year $35.7 billion dollars were spent on Mother’s Day gifts.

RIP Anna Jarvis.

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What moms really wants for Mother’s Day vs what they’re getting

The Promotions folder of my gmail account is SURE it has the answer to what mothers really ACTUALLY want for Mother’s Day.

Vividseats is positive what she wants most is concert tickets. LLBean is confident the answer is a cozy sherpa wearable throw. My local yoga studio knows her heart’s desire is to take part of their “Mamasté sale” more than anything else.

Panda Express rests assured that what she actually wants is Americanized Chinese food. “Celebrate Mom with flavor and ease. This Mother’s Day make memories with smiles and full stomachs.”

Every influencer and blog has THE Mother’s Day gift guide. Not like all those other stupid gift guides.

Do you want to know what your wife/mother actually wants?

Here’s a harebrained idea: ask HER.

Because I was curious, I asked my Instagram followers what they actually wanted for Mother’s day. Then I tallied up their responses and put them into this nice chart here:

Sure, this isn’t a representative sample of the every mom. The majority of my respondents are mothers to young-ish kids.

But when I looked up other studies, they all came up with very similar results⁴. In this survey of 10k moms asking what they want for Mother’s Day, the number one answer was “alone time” same as mine.

On Reddit, a 38 year old dad asked the moms what they wanted, and the top responses were:

“Sleep, have a clean house, and no one touching me” (with 2,500 upvotes) and

“I'm the primary and default parent and carry the mental load of our household and I'd love to be able to set the load down for that day. I don't want to have to plan something. I don't want to cook. If someone cooks for me, I don't want to deal with cleaning and dishes. I'd also love some acknowledgement because I feel invisible most of the time.”

Good news for both you and Anna Jarvis: the gifts your wife and mother actually want don’t cost any money⁵. Well, three of my respondents wanted a physical gift, but overwhelmingly what women want is some time alone, some help around the house cooking and cleaning and watching the kids. They want support and acknowledgment in all they carry.

Now that we know what they want, what do they actually get? According to the NRF, the most common mother’s day gifts are:

1. flowers

2. cards

3. gift cards

4. jewelry

There’s a mighty mismatch between what women want and what they are getting.

Overwhelmingly moms want time to themselves. Time to relax, time to off-load the heavy burden of managing the house, meals and kids.

Of course she does.

Remember my great-grandma who dedicated her life to serving others? Whose happiest memory was that month when she had a little time to herself to explore, to relax, to have an adventure?

Instead of pictures, flowers or a bracelet with “mother” engraved on it- give the women in your life the chance to be Anne Hathaway. Less in terms of providing her a young lover, more in terms of taking over the labor necessary to give her the time and space to be the main character in her own life for a day. For a week. For a day a week.⁶

not just a supporting character.

When you’re a mom, every day is Mother’s Day. Every day is dedicated to your role as a mother.

For Mother’s Day, moms don’t want jewelry. We want to experience being more than just a mom.

1. Celia loved taking in the city of Philadelphia so much that she wrote her husband back in Utah all about what a glorious time she was having romping about the city.

My great-grandpa grew afraid his wife was liking it a little too much without him and asked her to come back right away. Afterwards she wrote, “I wanted to go back there so much, I just couldn’t stand it.” She returned to Philadelphia to help with her grandkids, but never did get another solo trip like that first one.

Celia died at age 88 from falling off a chair she was standing on to dust the top of her windows.

2. For this reason, she was adamant that the singular apostrophe be used “Mother’s Day” (as in your own mother’s day), not “Mothers Day” or “Mothers’ Day.”

3. SOURCE

4. minus the “Free Palestine” responses.

5. I’m not saying be a cheapskate and don’t spend any money on women. What I am saying is buying flowers or a gift card feels like an easy off-ramp if what she really wants is a share of the mental load. Again, asking her is key.

6. Last year for my birthday Rich said he would take over dinner every Monday night from here on out (he already does dinner Saturday and Sunday). And he has. It’s probably my favorite gift I’ve ever been given.