So appreciating this, Celeste, and the very necessity of community as the antidote to patriarchy and capitalism. That said, something else I've been thinking a lot about is unwinding my own self enough to be able to contribute to community in a way that is uniquely me and standing in my own wholeness and power. Without trusting my own voice and valuing my own contributions - even if they go against the group - I've had the experience of being subsumed by community because I did not want to risk my own belonging. Very much a both/and, and as a (white) woman, something I'm still feeling my way through. I, and many of us, have been conditioned to be agreeable people pleasers, which can lead to self-erasure when we get in group settings, or - on the flip side - enforcing our own value set on others. There's so much baggage in the system itself that needs to be sorted through, and that can be very individual work. I recently finished reading "Waking up White" by Debby Irving, which really brought a greater understanding and sobriety to what is necessary if we really want to forefront equality.
Avalon, I relate to this sentiment and needing to unwind and redefine community as a means to reintegrate. That is the phase I’m in as well and I’ll look into the book you referenced.
The Harvard study did only study men, and I don’t disagree with this thoughtful and (as always) well researched article and assessment by Celeste, it gave me a lot to chew on.
That said, would be interested to know what would be different if women were included in this study or if women were studied in a similar longitudinal fashion.
I’m noticing how quickly I reach for self fixing when I’m unhappy. Eat better. Move more. Get my act together. Like if I could just manage myself correctly, the feeling would go away. Community rarely even crosses my mind in those moments.
Part of that is cultural, but part of it is personal. I grew up in a system where belonging was always conditional and closely watched. When I left, I didn’t suddenly know how to build nourishing community. I just carried the belief that if I was struggling, it must be because I wasn’t doing enough or doing it right.
So this framing feels clarifying. Not dismissing care for our bodies or routines, but naming how often we try to solve loneliness, grief, and disconnection with individual fixes. And how exhausting that gets.
Rebuilding community, at least for me, has meant learning to stop treating my body and my life like problems to solve and start letting other people matter again. That is slow work. It doesn’t fit neatly into a resolution. But it has changed me more than any January reset ever has.
Thank you Celeste! This is the New Year’s push I need to replace my current one which was of course to lose weight! I tend to draw into myself when I’m down, but seeking out time with others is really what I need, as difficult as it can be to make myself do it. Also, there was a meme that was going around that said, the reason Americans loved their college experience so much was because it was the only time they lived in a walkable environment. I have been trying to minimize my car use, and I find I run into so many more neighbors, and feel so much more connected to my community just through walking around my neighborhood. 🥰
Oof. A year ago when my kids were 2 and 6, working full time and spending pretty much all my energy on the job or the kids, I realized that I felt frustrated with myself that getting together with friends once or twice a month didn't have the sustaining power that I felt like it should. I'd catch my self talk telling me I shouldn't feel so hungry for quality time with friends when I was getting some. I did eventually realize that I should be thinking of Social interaction more like food, something that my body really should have every day. This article really does a great job describing what I was trying to put into words at the time.
Yes to all of this! I’m in need of more words - I’ve read that the opposite of patriarchy is matriarchy AS defined by a world that centers on the CHILD (not female dominance). This works for me because it’s non-dominant and is centered on children which we all are at some point in our lives! But I realize matriarchy as a term is misunderstood/potentially ‘threatening’. I like this idea of community as the opposite of patriarchy. Any other terms or can we invent new ones that center on the well-being of children. (While not having the myth of maternal fulfillment = children, be at the center of this either)
this totally woke me, i actully wrote on my 2025 goals to have a better circle of friends, expand my relations, because somehow i feel so much joy and alive when i go to events,or when m around pp, this article reminded me of what really matters, but can i apply it in real life???????, i hope so , self-optimization migrated deeply in my core
Excellent work Celeste. Community can show up in many forms. Mine is a support group I attend twice a week. Calling my cousins who live 1800 miles away. My recent is sending postcards to my cousins from my past road trip. It brings me joy. ( love snail mail) I can’t wait to have coffee with a friend next week. It’s so easy to get self absorbed. I’m finding it exhausting to care for my aging body 65 y/o but it’s not obsessive just gotta keep moving or the body aches catch up. So moderation is the key and focusing on a good mix of exercise, eating and community helps with my happiness.
I also have to remember that I must surrender to my aging body. Yep I need naps 😂
I had not read about Maslow and the Indigenously tribe and his rethinking community actualization as the goal. You’ve motivated me to plan/schedule more opportunities for connection with my community. I am a consultant who works from home (which I admit, is lonely). Thank you and I look forward to reading more on this topic!
This was such an enlightening article! Thank you Celeste. Ironically I just finished reading a delightful book my daughter gave me for Christmas, “The Happy Life of Isadora Bentley”. It mentions the Harvard study on happiness. Its whole premise in the book is based on a fictional article titled, “The 31 ways to be happy”. I would recommend it for a happy read and the end result is what you are talking about.
Being raised Mormon, my community was always the ward I was assigned because of where I lived. At one point, I was the relief society president and my friend who was the YWs president confided in me that she was in an emotional affair with a man who was the seminary teacher. I kept her confidence by not telling anyone this because we are adults and they needed to work that out between them. But for some reason word got out, and I came home from a vacation to texts from people who were so upset with me that I knew about their affair and didn’t stop it…a lot of people misunderstood and therefore thought I was helping them and supported the affair. This is when I lost my whole community! The loss of many friends and the fact that I couldn’t show up at activities without being asked to leave, kicked out of people homes, invited over for “lunches” only to be yelled at and blamed for something I didn’t do was horrible! I had never felt so horrible in my life. I started getting mean letters and phone calls and then a package that was a quilt (that I had gifted someone) that had been ripped up with a note that looked like it was written in blood…all of these things added up and the loss of community really did depress me more than I had ever been depressed. And it was the start of the loss of my faith because without community, when the beliefs don’t work for you anymore, there’s no reason to stick around. I see people who lose their faith and beliefs but can keep going to church because of the great community. Unfortunately, I didn’t get to experience this. The only way out of this terrible place was to work on my marriage, create new friendships and strengthen relationships with people that weren’t in my ward- mostly people I had already grown up being friends with. I’m still building community for myself. But I can see why the goal of losing 30lbs isn’t going to fix the not having a community problem. And I can see how having a good support system of people can make you happier than having the perfect body etc… thank you for taking the time to write this piece, Celeste.
this really hits for me, I don’t do resolutions cos I think they’re silly but I recently moved cross country from where I grew up and have been thinking about how to intentionally build community while maintaining ties to friends who matter to me around the world
You have elicited many thoughts as I kept reading your article.
Building communities brings joy. I have made building communities my mission: To Build Communities that Uplift and Empower Individuals. It is in seeing community as a collections of very different humans that are looking for the same self-realization that we find, as Maslow did, that is in collaboration and cooperation that we succeed.
Peter Block in his book, Community does a fantastic job on explaining how to go about it. “The future is brought into the present when citizens engage each other through questions of possibility, commitment, dissent, and gifts. Questions open the door to the future and are more powerful than answers in that they demand engagement."
Lastly, you elicited the image of the Marlboro Man, who doesn’t need anyone especially not the government, the epitome of patriarchy. It is that buy recognizing that we need connection that we can both build community and dismantle patriarchy. As the Find your People song goes: “You can't go it alone, everybody needs help /
You got to find your people, then you'll find yourself”
As always, great piece Celeste. One thing that’s not mentioned here and maybe this is a whole separate post…is when one leaves their faith tradition (evangelicalism for me) and stops attending their church because they no longer align with the tenants of that theology and dogma; the shunning, rejection and disappearance of that community is deeply painful. So one has to start over from scratch creating new communities. Finding people who accept us and we them. We have to find new places to belong.
I left along time ago. Only two women friends reached out after decades of attendance and service in that community. I still attempt to connect, but when I do I’m rejected. It continues happening even now.
For example, I just reached out to an old friend with a happy new year blessing via text. I was trying to see if there might be an opening. Her text back was a backhanded slap down meant to shame me.
I grieve these losses which include my mother in law, father, brother, brother in law and in some dimensions my husband. I am required to pass this weird litmus test on my understanding of Jesus in order to belong. To say the magic words.
I try to explain ‘include and transcend’ to my husband and family and it’s not understood. Which means I accept them and their beliefs and I transcend that theology to a bigger more expansive understanding of the whole.
All this to say, building new belonging and community is hard slow work, and it’s possible.
I have new friends who allow me to be me and I them. I have spiritual connections with different groups and even my political work is spiritual as we share our reasons for our activism.
Thank you for sharing. I recently left Christianity. I do have a support group I attend twice a week. I am probably going to attend a Humanist organization. I consider myself an agnostic. I’m looking for a place where it doesn’t have a spiritual component. The humanists seem to work for me.
Seems You’re following your truth. That takes courage. I wish you the best. ❤️🥰
Thanks Marcy. I’m so glad you found your place with the Humanists. Yes, we are both following our truth and allowing the evolution of our becoming. Thank you for validating me. I wish you the best too!
Well, I was debating whether or not to go to church today, and I guess I am going after all... that's my community. (Unitarian Universalist, so not based on Abrahamic patriarchy)
Im not saying that connections arent important, but its true that sometimes what we eat can influence our mood and mental health. On that subject I dont think eating healthier (or, at least, not eating badly) should be discarded as not one of the most important things to be happy because sometimes it can really affect your brain
So appreciating this, Celeste, and the very necessity of community as the antidote to patriarchy and capitalism. That said, something else I've been thinking a lot about is unwinding my own self enough to be able to contribute to community in a way that is uniquely me and standing in my own wholeness and power. Without trusting my own voice and valuing my own contributions - even if they go against the group - I've had the experience of being subsumed by community because I did not want to risk my own belonging. Very much a both/and, and as a (white) woman, something I'm still feeling my way through. I, and many of us, have been conditioned to be agreeable people pleasers, which can lead to self-erasure when we get in group settings, or - on the flip side - enforcing our own value set on others. There's so much baggage in the system itself that needs to be sorted through, and that can be very individual work. I recently finished reading "Waking up White" by Debby Irving, which really brought a greater understanding and sobriety to what is necessary if we really want to forefront equality.
Avalon, I relate to this sentiment and needing to unwind and redefine community as a means to reintegrate. That is the phase I’m in as well and I’ll look into the book you referenced.
The Harvard study did only study men, and I don’t disagree with this thoughtful and (as always) well researched article and assessment by Celeste, it gave me a lot to chew on.
That said, would be interested to know what would be different if women were included in this study or if women were studied in a similar longitudinal fashion.
I’m noticing how quickly I reach for self fixing when I’m unhappy. Eat better. Move more. Get my act together. Like if I could just manage myself correctly, the feeling would go away. Community rarely even crosses my mind in those moments.
Part of that is cultural, but part of it is personal. I grew up in a system where belonging was always conditional and closely watched. When I left, I didn’t suddenly know how to build nourishing community. I just carried the belief that if I was struggling, it must be because I wasn’t doing enough or doing it right.
So this framing feels clarifying. Not dismissing care for our bodies or routines, but naming how often we try to solve loneliness, grief, and disconnection with individual fixes. And how exhausting that gets.
Rebuilding community, at least for me, has meant learning to stop treating my body and my life like problems to solve and start letting other people matter again. That is slow work. It doesn’t fit neatly into a resolution. But it has changed me more than any January reset ever has.
Thank you Celeste! This is the New Year’s push I need to replace my current one which was of course to lose weight! I tend to draw into myself when I’m down, but seeking out time with others is really what I need, as difficult as it can be to make myself do it. Also, there was a meme that was going around that said, the reason Americans loved their college experience so much was because it was the only time they lived in a walkable environment. I have been trying to minimize my car use, and I find I run into so many more neighbors, and feel so much more connected to my community just through walking around my neighborhood. 🥰
Oof. A year ago when my kids were 2 and 6, working full time and spending pretty much all my energy on the job or the kids, I realized that I felt frustrated with myself that getting together with friends once or twice a month didn't have the sustaining power that I felt like it should. I'd catch my self talk telling me I shouldn't feel so hungry for quality time with friends when I was getting some. I did eventually realize that I should be thinking of Social interaction more like food, something that my body really should have every day. This article really does a great job describing what I was trying to put into words at the time.
Yes to all of this! I’m in need of more words - I’ve read that the opposite of patriarchy is matriarchy AS defined by a world that centers on the CHILD (not female dominance). This works for me because it’s non-dominant and is centered on children which we all are at some point in our lives! But I realize matriarchy as a term is misunderstood/potentially ‘threatening’. I like this idea of community as the opposite of patriarchy. Any other terms or can we invent new ones that center on the well-being of children. (While not having the myth of maternal fulfillment = children, be at the center of this either)
A non archy is the absence of dominion by one gender… it might work 😎
I believe most of us have nonarchy as our goal. 😊 Equality is a form of nonarchy, isn’t it?
How about having a nonarchy
this totally woke me, i actully wrote on my 2025 goals to have a better circle of friends, expand my relations, because somehow i feel so much joy and alive when i go to events,or when m around pp, this article reminded me of what really matters, but can i apply it in real life???????, i hope so , self-optimization migrated deeply in my core
Yes. This frustrates me so much, both on the theoretical level and because it's so hard to get people together to enjoy one another's company.
Excellent work Celeste. Community can show up in many forms. Mine is a support group I attend twice a week. Calling my cousins who live 1800 miles away. My recent is sending postcards to my cousins from my past road trip. It brings me joy. ( love snail mail) I can’t wait to have coffee with a friend next week. It’s so easy to get self absorbed. I’m finding it exhausting to care for my aging body 65 y/o but it’s not obsessive just gotta keep moving or the body aches catch up. So moderation is the key and focusing on a good mix of exercise, eating and community helps with my happiness.
I also have to remember that I must surrender to my aging body. Yep I need naps 😂
Thank you for all you do for community 🥰
I had not read about Maslow and the Indigenously tribe and his rethinking community actualization as the goal. You’ve motivated me to plan/schedule more opportunities for connection with my community. I am a consultant who works from home (which I admit, is lonely). Thank you and I look forward to reading more on this topic!
This was such an enlightening article! Thank you Celeste. Ironically I just finished reading a delightful book my daughter gave me for Christmas, “The Happy Life of Isadora Bentley”. It mentions the Harvard study on happiness. Its whole premise in the book is based on a fictional article titled, “The 31 ways to be happy”. I would recommend it for a happy read and the end result is what you are talking about.
Being raised Mormon, my community was always the ward I was assigned because of where I lived. At one point, I was the relief society president and my friend who was the YWs president confided in me that she was in an emotional affair with a man who was the seminary teacher. I kept her confidence by not telling anyone this because we are adults and they needed to work that out between them. But for some reason word got out, and I came home from a vacation to texts from people who were so upset with me that I knew about their affair and didn’t stop it…a lot of people misunderstood and therefore thought I was helping them and supported the affair. This is when I lost my whole community! The loss of many friends and the fact that I couldn’t show up at activities without being asked to leave, kicked out of people homes, invited over for “lunches” only to be yelled at and blamed for something I didn’t do was horrible! I had never felt so horrible in my life. I started getting mean letters and phone calls and then a package that was a quilt (that I had gifted someone) that had been ripped up with a note that looked like it was written in blood…all of these things added up and the loss of community really did depress me more than I had ever been depressed. And it was the start of the loss of my faith because without community, when the beliefs don’t work for you anymore, there’s no reason to stick around. I see people who lose their faith and beliefs but can keep going to church because of the great community. Unfortunately, I didn’t get to experience this. The only way out of this terrible place was to work on my marriage, create new friendships and strengthen relationships with people that weren’t in my ward- mostly people I had already grown up being friends with. I’m still building community for myself. But I can see why the goal of losing 30lbs isn’t going to fix the not having a community problem. And I can see how having a good support system of people can make you happier than having the perfect body etc… thank you for taking the time to write this piece, Celeste.
this really hits for me, I don’t do resolutions cos I think they’re silly but I recently moved cross country from where I grew up and have been thinking about how to intentionally build community while maintaining ties to friends who matter to me around the world
You have elicited many thoughts as I kept reading your article.
Building communities brings joy. I have made building communities my mission: To Build Communities that Uplift and Empower Individuals. It is in seeing community as a collections of very different humans that are looking for the same self-realization that we find, as Maslow did, that is in collaboration and cooperation that we succeed.
Peter Block in his book, Community does a fantastic job on explaining how to go about it. “The future is brought into the present when citizens engage each other through questions of possibility, commitment, dissent, and gifts. Questions open the door to the future and are more powerful than answers in that they demand engagement."
Lastly, you elicited the image of the Marlboro Man, who doesn’t need anyone especially not the government, the epitome of patriarchy. It is that buy recognizing that we need connection that we can both build community and dismantle patriarchy. As the Find your People song goes: “You can't go it alone, everybody needs help /
You got to find your people, then you'll find yourself”
Definitely will get that book!
As always, great piece Celeste. One thing that’s not mentioned here and maybe this is a whole separate post…is when one leaves their faith tradition (evangelicalism for me) and stops attending their church because they no longer align with the tenants of that theology and dogma; the shunning, rejection and disappearance of that community is deeply painful. So one has to start over from scratch creating new communities. Finding people who accept us and we them. We have to find new places to belong.
I left along time ago. Only two women friends reached out after decades of attendance and service in that community. I still attempt to connect, but when I do I’m rejected. It continues happening even now.
For example, I just reached out to an old friend with a happy new year blessing via text. I was trying to see if there might be an opening. Her text back was a backhanded slap down meant to shame me.
I grieve these losses which include my mother in law, father, brother, brother in law and in some dimensions my husband. I am required to pass this weird litmus test on my understanding of Jesus in order to belong. To say the magic words.
I try to explain ‘include and transcend’ to my husband and family and it’s not understood. Which means I accept them and their beliefs and I transcend that theology to a bigger more expansive understanding of the whole.
All this to say, building new belonging and community is hard slow work, and it’s possible.
I have new friends who allow me to be me and I them. I have spiritual connections with different groups and even my political work is spiritual as we share our reasons for our activism.
I look forward to more posts on community. 🩷🌕🩷
Thank you for sharing. I recently left Christianity. I do have a support group I attend twice a week. I am probably going to attend a Humanist organization. I consider myself an agnostic. I’m looking for a place where it doesn’t have a spiritual component. The humanists seem to work for me.
Seems You’re following your truth. That takes courage. I wish you the best. ❤️🥰
Thanks Marcy. I’m so glad you found your place with the Humanists. Yes, we are both following our truth and allowing the evolution of our becoming. Thank you for validating me. I wish you the best too!
Well, I was debating whether or not to go to church today, and I guess I am going after all... that's my community. (Unitarian Universalist, so not based on Abrahamic patriarchy)
Great my community is political so I have no idea what that means religion wise… but good goal 🙂
Im not saying that connections arent important, but its true that sometimes what we eat can influence our mood and mental health. On that subject I dont think eating healthier (or, at least, not eating badly) should be discarded as not one of the most important things to be happy because sometimes it can really affect your brain