"Here women women women women.... you want a medal?"

On not trusting women to know what they want when they tell you want they want.

The Trump administration wants women to have more babies.

Small snag in this plan- first they have to convince them.

To accomplish this, did they consult women who don’t want kids and ask them why that may be? Did they survey women to ask what they could do as a governing body to make having kids easier? Did they consult the body of existing research on why women aren’t having more kids and seek to address those issues?

Ah, no.

Instead, their front running idea for getting women to have more babies is to give them a $5000 baby bonus and a medal for having six or more kids.

In other words, their current plan is to treat women like puppies—kneeling down, treat in hand and in their pet voice calling out, “Here women women women women…. c’mere!” *slaps their lap and whistles “C’mere! You want a treat? I’ve got a medal for you! Who wants a medal? Who’s a good girl?”

Pew Research recently came out with a study on what would actually encourage Americans to have kids. By, ya know, asking them.

First off, they found that less than half of Americans find the falling birth rate a problem at all. And for the most part, it’s not the women:

“Men, older adults, Republicans and Americans with high incomes were most likely to say fewer children would negatively impact the U.S.” - Pew Research Center

So the older Republican men are in the position of needing to convince younger women to have kids. The fact that they reached for $5000 and a medal is just… so so comical. And so telling.

It doesn’t take a detective to deduce how they came to this solution. This administration and its figurehead are not subtle about their obsession with marks of status:

Clearly, someone loves medals. And it’s not the mothers.

I don’t know of one woman who would think, “you know what would make me have more kids? A medal.”

Money is a better idea, but compared to how much raising a kid actually costs, $5000 is absurdly low.

Forget 18+ years of raising a child, $5000 would barely cover the first day of a baby’s life!

The average hospital bill for an uncomplicated birth is $30,000 without insurance. $50,000 for a C section. Even with insurance the average birth out of pocket is $3400. And that’s if nothing goes wrong.

Unlike the Trump administration, The Guardian did speak to mothers for an article covering the baby boom checks, here’s what mothers are saying:

“I had a baby a few months ago, and a one-time payment of $5,000 wouldn’t do much if I didn’t also have paid leave that let me keep my job, good health insurance, family support, incredible childcare and the kind of job that allows me to both provide for my family and be there for pickup,” - Lily Roberts

What do mother’s actually want?

“Motherly’s seventh annual State of Motherhood survey shows that 85% of moms support federally mandated paid leave, regulation to address climate change, federally protected reproductive rights and increased gun control policies.” - Diva Anwari

A recent YouGov survey asked Americans about their thoughts on how the government can best support families. Here’s what they found:

• 76% support increasing funding for adoption and foster care services

• 75% support increasing funding for after-school programs

• 75% support increasing funding for health care for families with children

• 75% support providing child care subsidies for low-income families

• 74% support expanding publicly funded pre-kindergarten programs

• 74% support increasing funding for affordable housing for families with children

• 74% support providing tax incentives for companies that offer family-friendly benefits

• 70% support requiring employers to offer paid parental leave for all working parents

There is a mighty mismatch between what women say they want and what women are being bribed with.

I’m no economist, but I did go on a business podcast kick a few years ago. The point they continually made was if you want to sell something to a certain group of people- the first thing you need to do is figure out what those people want. Survey them. Ask them about their pain points and see if you can solve them.

If you want to sell shampoo to young women for instance- you would ask as many young women as you could what their complaints are around hair washing. What would make the task easier? How can their experience be improved?

Then try to solve those problems.

I’m no expert, but what you probably would not want to do is start by taking away their choice of whether to shampoo their hair or not, imprison those who do make that choice for themselves, and then throw the shampoo-users a few pennies and a medal.

Just a guess.

But anyway, instead of surveying or trying to understand the group of people they are trying to sell motherhood to, the Old Republican Men’s main tactic seems to be: tell the women what they want.

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It reminds me of the rooms of people tasked with deciding what women should do with their bodies:

Here’s Trump’s first day in office in 2017 signing a ban on federal money going to groups that perform or provide information about abortion:

source: BBC

Here are the senators of Alabama who passed a bill making abortion illegal in Alabama:

source

Here’s Texas governor Greg Abbott when he signed abortion law with no rape exceptions:

source

Iraq, Egypt and Laos are three of the countries with the strictest laws about what women are allowed to do:

Here are recent pictures of the governing bodies of those countries:

Iraq:

source

Egypt:

source

Laos:

source

And the institution that has continued to claim supremacy on declaring God’s word on women’s bodies for the past two centuries while simultaneously outlawing women on being in rooms where decisions are made: here’s a picture of the leadership of the Catholic church this week:

source: cfr

When they are in a pickle, who do the men in charge turn to as a moral authority?

In government they turn to the constitution- a document written entirely by white men for white men in 1787. In Christianity- they turn to the Bible- a book compiled and written entirely by men, for men around 300AD.

In other words, instead of turning to women to make decisions about women, the men in charge turn to men from 1787 and 300 AD to make decisions about women.

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It reminds me of Mother’s Day and the mismatch between what women say they want: a break, alone time, help and support:

source

Vs what they get: According to the NRF, the most common mother’s day gifts are:

1. flowers

2. cards

3. gift cards

4. jewelry

It’s like we don’t believe them? Or we simply don’t ask.

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It reminds me of the recent Internet debate du jour when UK pop star Olly Murs’s nutritionist posted this before and after of his progress:

source: The Independent

The comment section soon became flooded, and people started noticing that men and women had different reactions to these photos. The women preferred the before. The men preferred the after.

One x user decided to put some numbers on it by creating this poll:

source: William Costello

Almost 5000 people took the poll.

Instead of believing that women could have different taste than men, so many thousands of men straight up told women they were lying. About their own preferences.

source: taoki

This tweet got over 15,000 likes.

Even when women are asked what they want, when they state their preferences, they are told “No, that’s not actually what you want.”

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It reminds me of The Yellow Wallpaper, and how in the 1800s and early 1900s when women fell ill or depressed, male doctors would order them to rest. The woman in The Yellow Wallpaper was locked in her room, forbidden from having visitors, going outside or even writing.

A woman’s own opinion of her own health and body was not sought and if offered, was of no consequence. Her husband and doctor knew what was best for her.

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It reminds me of leaving Mormonism. My husband and I were discussed in meetings (as are all faithful Mormons who leave). Hypotheses were made as to why we left. Suggestions were made as to what would bring us back.

Funny the sole possessors of that knowledge were not consulted.

Unfortunately, I have been on the other end—the assuming end— of this exact situation many times. I’m not proud of it, but when I was in the church- I sat in these meetings, made these hypotheses and offered suggestions of people I knew very little about without ever asking them.

Once after a loved one left the church, a bunch of us sat around sharing our assumptions of why she left. “She must not have had enough friends.” “Other priorities drowned out the gospel.” “She must have stopped praying and reading her scriptures.”

We all assumed we knew the answer to get her back: she needed to feel the Spirit again.

Turns out none of the reasons we presumed were the real reason she left. Turns out forcing her into “spirit-feeling” activities backfired and pushed her further away.

Turns out there was only one person in the universe who would know why she left or what would “bring her back,” but we never asked her.

Why?

Why didn’t we ask her about her own lived experience? About her own preferences?

The truth is- we thought we knew more than she did.

The truth is- even if we had asked her, we wouldn’t have believed her.

We built a hierarchy of “people whose opinions can be trusted” and placed ourselves at the top. Those who didn’t agree with our correct way of thinking were beneath us.

The Trump administration reeks of this same hierarchy. They didn’t ask women or mothers because they don’t believe them anyway, so why would they ask?

I guess the silver lining is that their refusal to listen to women will render their convincing efforts extremely ineffective.

So sure, bring on the motherhood medals- that’s what we really, really want.

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