I live in the UK and am the mother of 3 young men. They talk to me about toxic masculinity and how they do not want to embody it. I am very proud of them. Patriarchy is terrible for women and awful for men. Clearly it is brutal to those who don't identify with their assigned gender roles especially those who don't identify as either male or female. I always appreciate the amount of thought and research evidenced in your posts Celeste. Thank you truly.ML
Spot on. And in their youth, all of these men were likely put-down - if not outright bullied - by other boys, maybe grown men and even girls for not being proto-male. This goes for JD Vance, Stephen Miller. It’s known Trump’s father was abusive. Rogan had a horrible dad.
When healthy adult masculinity isn’t visible in our culture or lives, the models are cartoon masculinity, jacked athletes, marvel, and the bullies that produce more bullies.
Yes exactly. Elon's dad was a failed businessman who apparently delighted in telling his son how worthless he is. It feels strange to sympathize with the broligarchs who are making our world so much worse, but at the same time, it's crazy to put all the blame on the individuals stuck in a system, rather than on the system they are stuck in.
"And while we’re on the topic of trying really, really, really hard to appear hyper- masculine, we can’t forget our tech nerd-turned-astronaut-turned-cowboy friend Jeff Bezos. Once bullied for being a computer dweeb, Jeff now spends his days pumping iron, taking shirtless selfies and posing for his… country album cover? Viagra commercial? mid-life-crisis hotline ad? It’s unclear."
You're contributing to the system you criticize, by poking fun at their supposed failure to perform conventional masculinity in your post. Have some principles, lady.
I would argue that bullying *also* more or less what Celeste is doing in her post, though.
Celeste writes: "Last year this cringey moment of Mark trying to fit in with the UFC fighters went viral"
Progressive feminists: "We need to fight 'toxic masculinity', the idea that men must perform conventional masculine gender roles."
Also progressive feminists: "That's why I poke fun at men who fail to perform conventional masculinity, whenever I feel like it."
Celeste is contributing to the very dynamic she's criticizing. She doesn't appear to have any principles. "It's OK when my side does it"
Instead of an us vs them framing, how about replacing nastiness with a bit of love and understanding, to break the cycle of bullying.
-response to commenter below-
>There's a difference between "you're not manly enough" and "this attempt to be manly is cringey".
A distinction without a difference. Men who are trying to attack each other as insufficiently manly will sometimes try to depict other mens' behavior as cringe. In fact, among men that's one of the harshest ways in which you can attack another male. That's why men don't particularly like it when it comes from women. In the male world, "this attempt to be manly is cringey" is understood to be a quite vicious way of saying "you're not manly enough".
I don't think the actual effect of "hahaha, let's point at laugh at that loser who's trying to play at being a man" actually changes much depending on whether the person is saying it is male or female, or what their intentions were. Either way, it's going to be interpreted on the receiving end as a lack of respect, due to a perceived deficiency of masculinity.
The actual path to ending toxic masculinity goes through "I love you bro", not "this attempt to be manly is cringey".
There's a difference between "you're not manly enough" and "this attempt to be manly is cringey". The former is cut from the cloth of patriarchal masculinity, while the latter is commentary from the outside looking in - it's not "you should have done a better job of being one of the guys", instead it's more "he failed at doing this thing, which is painful to watch because it is not something that should even be done in the first place, but is rather a behavior born from this terrible system". I believe Celeste has written something to this effect various times through her posts - "It feels like an attack because patriarchal masculinity has been internalized to the point where criticism of it feels like criticism of you." (or in this case Mark).
"It feels like an attack because patriarchal masculinity has been internalized to the point where criticism of it feels like criticism of you."
This is just circular reasoning. Someone calls you out on your bad behaviour, so the response is to gaslight the accuser into believing there's actually nothing wrong with making fun of people.
I write about the origins of this phenomenon c 4,000 BCE when Patriarchy first emerged within the pastoral tribes of the Pontic-Caspian steppe (Ukraine and southern Russia!). My colleague Linda Kohanov is also preparing an article on the subject, so I don’t want to speak too much out of turn, other than to say that there is a primal fear at Patriarchy’s core — there from the very beginning 6,000 years ago. Men, women and Nature writ large have been paying the price ever since. We need to talk about it.
Will do — just getting my Substack up and running. I’m a former academic (women’s history) turned storyteller (historical fiction). So inspired by your posts — they resonate deeply with the ancient story that I’ve been given to tell.
Perhaps the fear is rational. Perhaps it's better for everyone involved if violence is deterred.
If you like deterrence, you say "fuck around and find out". If you don't like deterrence, you call it "fragile masculinity rooted in fear". But ultimately, whatever term you use, from a game-theoretic perspective it's valuable to credibly threaten retaliation against people who mess with you ("tit for tat").
And yes, like all deterrence, this deterrence is rooted in fear. So? Wearing a seatbelt is also rooted in fear. It doesn't follow that you should stop doing it.
When deterrence is weak, people can exploit each other at will, which is far worse. Even a pecking order can help keep the peace by pre-resolving conflicts in advance. Being at the bottom of the pecking order sucks, so of course people work to maintain a reasonably high spot. Which means making it clear to others that you won't let them walk all over you. You're not going to wish any of these facts away.
Often, attempts to condemn the very idea of a pecking order are disguised attempts to enforce an alternative pecking order -- as Celeste's post ironically demonstrates. That's not necessarily a bad thing. But it's better to argue for an alternative pecking order on its merits instead of playing dishonest rhetorical games.
Edit: Celeste appears to have blocked me. Female fragility in action perhaps? Anyway, my reply to Diane is: I agree egalitarianism is nice, but sometimes people aren't respectful to each other. For example, Celeste was disrespectful to the men she discussed in the OP. That's why I describe her as "enforcing an alternate pecking order". If you want a world without pecking orders, maybe you can persuade Celeste to push for such a world. That's not what she's currently doing.
Perhaps being honorable should not result in a pecking order. I have taught my young men as did their very manly father that you look out for others, you have their back, you show respect whether it is a fellow guy, a woman, someone with disabilities, or your grandparents. Strong men lift others up and inspire friendship and loyalty. There is no need for a strong man to step on others or create a pecking order.
You keep saying pecking order, but you forget that patriarchy puts men at the top of the pecking order and that’s the problem. Because once up in the top of the pecking order, men rely on masculinity to enforce their position.
OMG also, seeing that you are an equestrian, would follow your notes for the horse content alone. Subscribing for what could be super cool Substack content!
Hi Natalie — just getting my Substack up and running. I write historical fiction — She Who Rides Horses — the story of the first person to ride a horse — which unavoidably includes the story of the rise and spread of patriarchy. Book one (of three) came out in 2022. Book two is due out shortly. While it’s in production I’ll be writing/posting on the historical context. Stay tuned — and thanks for your interest. Celeste’s posts resonate so deeply with the story that’s been given to me to tell…
I teach high school English and I can tell you that this patriarchal masculinity starts young. I could write a paper on the way our system has failed to address it in boys—especially middle and the early grades of high school. But those with influence in education got enthralled by tech and went for profiteering over actual pedagogy. Factor that in with outside influences—going back to Gamergate about 12 years ago—and it’s an enormous problem. And what do we have instead? A hundred panicked think pieces about how boys are behind academically that do not point to the entitlement they have developed because of the patriarchy, which makes them unwilling to learn (especially if it is in the humanities). Of course, they can’t be responsible for their own actions. They’re boyyyyys.
YES!!! This is my #1 frustration with those freaking out about the male loneliness epidemic- they aren't wrong to see it as a major societal problem- it is! But they keep offering weed whacking solutions (be nicer to boys at school, encourage them to go into HEAL professions, etc) without ever getting to the root of ALL of this: patriarchal masculinity that is thrust upon boys from the time they are toddlers. If we're not going to address the actual root, we're never going to better the situation.
I recently wrote about my struggles at feeling enough of a provider for my family and how, throughout my life, shame would creep in when I equated providing with being a good husband and father. I am on the way out of this feeling, where I see my role as a partner on raising a family and supporting our goals. I can better value the contributions both monetary and time/effort with those of my wife. If you are curious it’s on my profile.
Patriarchal Masculinity limits choices. When I was young I would sit in my grandma’s kitchen and make bread with her. She would measure the ingredients and I had to keep count on the number of ingredients; she was completely blind at this point. She would recite the recipe and I would subtract what we had put it. I loved the simple act of following a recipe. When I was older, my grandma showed me how to sew, I became quite good. Baking, sewing, and reading were my passions; yet I couldn’t connect them with what I wanted to do for a career. I have meandered through many roles in various companies and I truly love what I do today: solving People problems in a structured way. What I was never offered, suggested or implied was that I could be a stay-at-home parent. I think that I would have chosen that, even with a side of education and work.
After reading your insightful post, I felt a glimmer of understanding as to why the whole world seems to be shifting to right wing authoritarianism. Could this be a reaction to the slow but inevitable swing to an earth-honoring, intuitive-driven up-leveling of human consciousness, which finds femininity leading the way?
There's an Indigenous angle against patriarchal masculinity in governance as well. I'm remembering my 8x great grandmother, Nanye'hi (Nancy Ward), Beloved Woman of the Cherokee. As the most prominent matriarch and leader of the Woman's Council, she was needed to approve treaties with the British. I wrote more about that for Native News Online here: https://nativenewsonline.net/opinion/women-leaders-are-an-indigenous-tradition
I have been writing about this in my posts too. I have been referring to it as CHIP (Capitalistic Hierarchical Imperialistic Patriarchy). And it's toxic masculinity! And it is being legislated. So right on here Celeste! I keep coming back around to the fact that this toxic patriarchy is in full force right now because they are scared! The Sacred Feminine is getting stronger and their reacting. And they don't even know why! Great post Celeste!
It’s truly terrifying and heartbreaking that such a damaging idea is driving so much of the world. It’s a think I find myself thinking about often and I really want to find ways we can start to dismantle those harmful, restrictive ideas about masculinity.
I’m a mum to a young boy and the societal pressure to perform patriarchal masculinity is one of the things I am most anxious about him having to navigate. I want him to know he can be his full human self, always.
Thank you for this piece - I look forward to the next.
I'll be talking more about ideas for bringing up the next generation in my 4th post in this series, but you are right, I have two boys and we can offer our boys a safe haven for being their full selves at home, but we still face MAJOR obstacles in how boys are treated by their peers at school, sports, everywhere. Its something I think about a lot.
you might start by looking at your beliefs associated w the feminine — rest, creativity, your relationship to BEING vs doing is probably the most obvious. the way you treat the planet and body will also afford lots of insight into how your inner masculine presents.
teach your Son value both the masculine and the feminine. leading by example is the best way fwd. THANK YOU for your efforts toward raising a balanced human who uses both intellect and intuition, thought and emotion to navigate 🙏🏼💝
I’m going to be thinking about this for a long time. It’s the first thing I’ve read that seems to get at the core of what seems to be happening in America. I don’t have much to add to the discussion but just wanted to say thank you for your work.
I just watched the entire Trump and Zelenskyy interview this morning. Your article has given me even more insight. It was horrifying to watch the progression of toxic masculinity as the interview progressed. Trump became increasingly enraged as Zelenskyy refused to accept Trump's world view. When Vance then jumped in to question Zelenskyy's right to have his own opinion, the result was horrifying.
Im forever baffled because they’re trying to prove their masculinity to each other only - the rest of us appear to think they’re losers.
And we’re stuck because many of us will watch Friday’s embarrassing meeting and will say, how can Trump and Vance not see what real masculinity is, while far right people will see the same thing and say, look at how they really took it to him.
I wonder whether these tech bros' desperate need to shore up their fragile masculinity isn't also due to underlying (and doubtless never-to-be-acknowledged) anxieties about the gender status of their occupational origins: computer programming, which used to be dominated by women in living memory. As someone who writes code, I know that it's rarely if ever a heroic endeavour - long hours spent sitting on your arse, tapping away, checking and re-checking, documenting and correcting mistakes, finishing X tiny thing and moving onto Y tiny thing... It's more like gardening than firefighting or driving racing cars or whatever else is defined as a hyper-masculine pursuit in popular culture - and one of the few occupations that has gone from being majority female to majority male.
And although I don't believe Musk was ever much good at coding (his statements about Twitter's code were 101-level wrong and he's always been, at best, more like a non-technical product manager), he's so thoroughly defined himself through claims to being supremely knowledgeable about tech that I suspect he may also be haunted by the fact that the thing he claims to be superb at used to be women's work and can easily be done from an armchair, or a beanbag, or bed. All the chainsaw-waving, 8th-grade trolling, and child-spawning is clearly compensating for something.
I wonder too whether, in the mix, there isn't also the haunting, damning spectre of Steve Jobs. Yes, he was also often an arsehole - but he was also the real deal: genuinely talented, genuinely clever, and the architect of products which were genuinely successful in and of themselves (i.e., without the chicanery, dark patterns, data harvesting, and all-round enshittification that Big Tech now depends upon for financial success). The iPhone's success is unlikely ever to be repeated - and all these tech bros know it. Jobs was also someone who presented a rather different masculinity, at least as appears from interviews: rigorous, forthright, dogmatic... yet also intensely reflective, open about his own failings, and (sometimes!) able to course correct when faced with his own mistakes. He also repeatedly acknowledged the central role that other people had played in making him a success (and especially how they were often poets, artists, creative people of diverse backgrounds). I don't want to heroize him at all - but I feel like Jobs might be the father figure that none of these bozos can live up to, and know deep down that they never will.
In his life journey, Steve Jobs was guided by a keen sense of his own mortality that appears to be lost on the likes of Musk, Zuck, or Bezos. People who remember they are mortal realize that everything they ever own is borrowed and will soon have to be relinquished. They have an urgent sense of purpose. They want to use their limited time on Earth to some creative end. On the other hand, people who are oblivious to their own mortality, at least consciously, want to hoard power (and money) for its own sake. Greed is the automatic outcome of a lack of inner aim.
You’re so right, Marco - can you even imagine how hollow inside these guys must be? When it comes down to it, money really isn’t all that interesting, and after a while what does it buy you other than stuff you already own?
Excellent article! I find the “Broligarchs” so desperate to prove their masculinity, like the mugshot of Trump, or the chainsaw wielding Musk. Beating their chests to be Alpha must be exhausting.
I’ve recently begun to see (thanks in large part to your writing), how my life has been shaped by stereotypes of masculinity. It’s probably what led me to drinking and smoking weed almost every day for a decade. It’s probably why I majored in science even though I loved English in high school (your piece on male flight was an eye-opener). It’s probably the missing through line of my memoir manuscript. It’s probably why I drink too much coffee. I will think about this every day for the rest of my life.
Agree with all. I’m a musician in a professional orchestra in southern USA. I was the only woman principal player for many years. Now we have 4 out of 13. I definitely experienced male patriarchy and continue to do so. I have had to behave in a more masculine way to be listened to and taken seriously. The south is particularly bad in this regard. You can’t win - if you speak up - you’re being to aggressive (a man can and has in my presence said or done same things I have and been praised for it - while I’m patted on head and told not to worry about it) or alternately if you behave in a typically southern feminine way - you are ignored. When I did calling for political campaigns - the number of times women said - I have to ask my husband who we are voting for made my head spin. It’s so engrained. Thank you for addressing the underlying roots of all this
Such an interesting piece! This quote stood out to me: “women and low T men” cannot think freely because they “can’t defend themselves physically.” “This is why a Republic of high status males is best for decision making. Democratic, but a democracy only for those who are free to think.”
That was what the founding fathers thought too. Only wealthy, land-owning white men could lead or vote, for a very long time.
Thank you for exploring this new (to me) way of thinking about current events. I’m eager to read the upcoming pieces.
This is why the supreme court constructionist justices that look at the constitution as the be all and end all for thinking about the law ... are WRONG. The authors of the constitution were victims of their time, just like the rest of us ... and they believed that rich white men had the right to make rules for themselves and to hell with everyone else. That was wrong then, and it's wrong now.
I live in the UK and am the mother of 3 young men. They talk to me about toxic masculinity and how they do not want to embody it. I am very proud of them. Patriarchy is terrible for women and awful for men. Clearly it is brutal to those who don't identify with their assigned gender roles especially those who don't identify as either male or female. I always appreciate the amount of thought and research evidenced in your posts Celeste. Thank you truly.ML
Spot on. And in their youth, all of these men were likely put-down - if not outright bullied - by other boys, maybe grown men and even girls for not being proto-male. This goes for JD Vance, Stephen Miller. It’s known Trump’s father was abusive. Rogan had a horrible dad.
When healthy adult masculinity isn’t visible in our culture or lives, the models are cartoon masculinity, jacked athletes, marvel, and the bullies that produce more bullies.
Yes exactly. Elon's dad was a failed businessman who apparently delighted in telling his son how worthless he is. It feels strange to sympathize with the broligarchs who are making our world so much worse, but at the same time, it's crazy to put all the blame on the individuals stuck in a system, rather than on the system they are stuck in.
You wrote:
"And while we’re on the topic of trying really, really, really hard to appear hyper- masculine, we can’t forget our tech nerd-turned-astronaut-turned-cowboy friend Jeff Bezos. Once bullied for being a computer dweeb, Jeff now spends his days pumping iron, taking shirtless selfies and posing for his… country album cover? Viagra commercial? mid-life-crisis hotline ad? It’s unclear."
You're contributing to the system you criticize, by poking fun at their supposed failure to perform conventional masculinity in your post. Have some principles, lady.
I would argue that bullying *also* more or less what Celeste is doing in her post, though.
Celeste writes: "Last year this cringey moment of Mark trying to fit in with the UFC fighters went viral"
Progressive feminists: "We need to fight 'toxic masculinity', the idea that men must perform conventional masculine gender roles."
Also progressive feminists: "That's why I poke fun at men who fail to perform conventional masculinity, whenever I feel like it."
Celeste is contributing to the very dynamic she's criticizing. She doesn't appear to have any principles. "It's OK when my side does it"
Instead of an us vs them framing, how about replacing nastiness with a bit of love and understanding, to break the cycle of bullying.
-response to commenter below-
>There's a difference between "you're not manly enough" and "this attempt to be manly is cringey".
A distinction without a difference. Men who are trying to attack each other as insufficiently manly will sometimes try to depict other mens' behavior as cringe. In fact, among men that's one of the harshest ways in which you can attack another male. That's why men don't particularly like it when it comes from women. In the male world, "this attempt to be manly is cringey" is understood to be a quite vicious way of saying "you're not manly enough".
I don't think the actual effect of "hahaha, let's point at laugh at that loser who's trying to play at being a man" actually changes much depending on whether the person is saying it is male or female, or what their intentions were. Either way, it's going to be interpreted on the receiving end as a lack of respect, due to a perceived deficiency of masculinity.
The actual path to ending toxic masculinity goes through "I love you bro", not "this attempt to be manly is cringey".
There's a difference between "you're not manly enough" and "this attempt to be manly is cringey". The former is cut from the cloth of patriarchal masculinity, while the latter is commentary from the outside looking in - it's not "you should have done a better job of being one of the guys", instead it's more "he failed at doing this thing, which is painful to watch because it is not something that should even be done in the first place, but is rather a behavior born from this terrible system". I believe Celeste has written something to this effect various times through her posts - "It feels like an attack because patriarchal masculinity has been internalized to the point where criticism of it feels like criticism of you." (or in this case Mark).
"It feels like an attack because patriarchal masculinity has been internalized to the point where criticism of it feels like criticism of you."
This is just circular reasoning. Someone calls you out on your bad behaviour, so the response is to gaslight the accuser into believing there's actually nothing wrong with making fun of people.
Spot on.
It’s ironic that their insecurities are the result of hyper masculine alpha fathers.
And like many abused.. they become the abusers.
We don’t need more men like their fathers.
I write about the origins of this phenomenon c 4,000 BCE when Patriarchy first emerged within the pastoral tribes of the Pontic-Caspian steppe (Ukraine and southern Russia!). My colleague Linda Kohanov is also preparing an article on the subject, so I don’t want to speak too much out of turn, other than to say that there is a primal fear at Patriarchy’s core — there from the very beginning 6,000 years ago. Men, women and Nature writ large have been paying the price ever since. We need to talk about it.
Please let us know when it’s out! We’ve to read it 😊
Will do — just getting my Substack up and running. I’m a former academic (women’s history) turned storyteller (historical fiction). So inspired by your posts — they resonate deeply with the ancient story that I’ve been given to tell.
I point this out when I teach The Odyssey to 9th grade students.
What a cliffhanger.. I would love to read about the primal fear at Patriarchy's core. Will you share the paper when it's out?
Perhaps the fear is rational. Perhaps it's better for everyone involved if violence is deterred.
If you like deterrence, you say "fuck around and find out". If you don't like deterrence, you call it "fragile masculinity rooted in fear". But ultimately, whatever term you use, from a game-theoretic perspective it's valuable to credibly threaten retaliation against people who mess with you ("tit for tat").
And yes, like all deterrence, this deterrence is rooted in fear. So? Wearing a seatbelt is also rooted in fear. It doesn't follow that you should stop doing it.
When deterrence is weak, people can exploit each other at will, which is far worse. Even a pecking order can help keep the peace by pre-resolving conflicts in advance. Being at the bottom of the pecking order sucks, so of course people work to maintain a reasonably high spot. Which means making it clear to others that you won't let them walk all over you. You're not going to wish any of these facts away.
Often, attempts to condemn the very idea of a pecking order are disguised attempts to enforce an alternative pecking order -- as Celeste's post ironically demonstrates. That's not necessarily a bad thing. But it's better to argue for an alternative pecking order on its merits instead of playing dishonest rhetorical games.
Edit: Celeste appears to have blocked me. Female fragility in action perhaps? Anyway, my reply to Diane is: I agree egalitarianism is nice, but sometimes people aren't respectful to each other. For example, Celeste was disrespectful to the men she discussed in the OP. That's why I describe her as "enforcing an alternate pecking order". If you want a world without pecking orders, maybe you can persuade Celeste to push for such a world. That's not what she's currently doing.
Perhaps being honorable should not result in a pecking order. I have taught my young men as did their very manly father that you look out for others, you have their back, you show respect whether it is a fellow guy, a woman, someone with disabilities, or your grandparents. Strong men lift others up and inspire friendship and loyalty. There is no need for a strong man to step on others or create a pecking order.
You keep saying pecking order, but you forget that patriarchy puts men at the top of the pecking order and that’s the problem. Because once up in the top of the pecking order, men rely on masculinity to enforce their position.
Like anybody could know when patriarchy originated.
But for the academic nerds, you gotta share those links!! We wanna read your stuff!!
OMG also, seeing that you are an equestrian, would follow your notes for the horse content alone. Subscribing for what could be super cool Substack content!
Hi Natalie — just getting my Substack up and running. I write historical fiction — She Who Rides Horses — the story of the first person to ride a horse — which unavoidably includes the story of the rise and spread of patriarchy. Book one (of three) came out in 2022. Book two is due out shortly. While it’s in production I’ll be writing/posting on the historical context. Stay tuned — and thanks for your interest. Celeste’s posts resonate so deeply with the story that’s been given to me to tell…
I teach high school English and I can tell you that this patriarchal masculinity starts young. I could write a paper on the way our system has failed to address it in boys—especially middle and the early grades of high school. But those with influence in education got enthralled by tech and went for profiteering over actual pedagogy. Factor that in with outside influences—going back to Gamergate about 12 years ago—and it’s an enormous problem. And what do we have instead? A hundred panicked think pieces about how boys are behind academically that do not point to the entitlement they have developed because of the patriarchy, which makes them unwilling to learn (especially if it is in the humanities). Of course, they can’t be responsible for their own actions. They’re boyyyyys.
YES!!! This is my #1 frustration with those freaking out about the male loneliness epidemic- they aren't wrong to see it as a major societal problem- it is! But they keep offering weed whacking solutions (be nicer to boys at school, encourage them to go into HEAL professions, etc) without ever getting to the root of ALL of this: patriarchal masculinity that is thrust upon boys from the time they are toddlers. If we're not going to address the actual root, we're never going to better the situation.
Its almost like its a real thing and not just a social construct.
I recently wrote about my struggles at feeling enough of a provider for my family and how, throughout my life, shame would creep in when I equated providing with being a good husband and father. I am on the way out of this feeling, where I see my role as a partner on raising a family and supporting our goals. I can better value the contributions both monetary and time/effort with those of my wife. If you are curious it’s on my profile.
Patriarchal Masculinity limits choices. When I was young I would sit in my grandma’s kitchen and make bread with her. She would measure the ingredients and I had to keep count on the number of ingredients; she was completely blind at this point. She would recite the recipe and I would subtract what we had put it. I loved the simple act of following a recipe. When I was older, my grandma showed me how to sew, I became quite good. Baking, sewing, and reading were my passions; yet I couldn’t connect them with what I wanted to do for a career. I have meandered through many roles in various companies and I truly love what I do today: solving People problems in a structured way. What I was never offered, suggested or implied was that I could be a stay-at-home parent. I think that I would have chosen that, even with a side of education and work.
After reading your insightful post, I felt a glimmer of understanding as to why the whole world seems to be shifting to right wing authoritarianism. Could this be a reaction to the slow but inevitable swing to an earth-honoring, intuitive-driven up-leveling of human consciousness, which finds femininity leading the way?
🤞🤞🤞
yesssss!! it’s already happening!
There's an Indigenous angle against patriarchal masculinity in governance as well. I'm remembering my 8x great grandmother, Nanye'hi (Nancy Ward), Beloved Woman of the Cherokee. As the most prominent matriarch and leader of the Woman's Council, she was needed to approve treaties with the British. I wrote more about that for Native News Online here: https://nativenewsonline.net/opinion/women-leaders-are-an-indigenous-tradition
I have been writing about this in my posts too. I have been referring to it as CHIP (Capitalistic Hierarchical Imperialistic Patriarchy). And it's toxic masculinity! And it is being legislated. So right on here Celeste! I keep coming back around to the fact that this toxic patriarchy is in full force right now because they are scared! The Sacred Feminine is getting stronger and their reacting. And they don't even know why! Great post Celeste!
they’re afraid of TRUE, creative power, thereby employ the masculine to repress, denigrate, deny it/her/the feminine.
It’s truly terrifying and heartbreaking that such a damaging idea is driving so much of the world. It’s a think I find myself thinking about often and I really want to find ways we can start to dismantle those harmful, restrictive ideas about masculinity.
I’m a mum to a young boy and the societal pressure to perform patriarchal masculinity is one of the things I am most anxious about him having to navigate. I want him to know he can be his full human self, always.
Thank you for this piece - I look forward to the next.
I'll be talking more about ideas for bringing up the next generation in my 4th post in this series, but you are right, I have two boys and we can offer our boys a safe haven for being their full selves at home, but we still face MAJOR obstacles in how boys are treated by their peers at school, sports, everywhere. Its something I think about a lot.
When you said that I immediately thought of Star Trek! But it actually has many good examples of wholesome masculinity as do other Trek show
you might start by looking at your beliefs associated w the feminine — rest, creativity, your relationship to BEING vs doing is probably the most obvious. the way you treat the planet and body will also afford lots of insight into how your inner masculine presents.
teach your Son value both the masculine and the feminine. leading by example is the best way fwd. THANK YOU for your efforts toward raising a balanced human who uses both intellect and intuition, thought and emotion to navigate 🙏🏼💝
I’m going to be thinking about this for a long time. It’s the first thing I’ve read that seems to get at the core of what seems to be happening in America. I don’t have much to add to the discussion but just wanted to say thank you for your work.
I just watched the entire Trump and Zelenskyy interview this morning. Your article has given me even more insight. It was horrifying to watch the progression of toxic masculinity as the interview progressed. Trump became increasingly enraged as Zelenskyy refused to accept Trump's world view. When Vance then jumped in to question Zelenskyy's right to have his own opinion, the result was horrifying.
Im forever baffled because they’re trying to prove their masculinity to each other only - the rest of us appear to think they’re losers.
And we’re stuck because many of us will watch Friday’s embarrassing meeting and will say, how can Trump and Vance not see what real masculinity is, while far right people will see the same thing and say, look at how they really took it to him.
How do we bridge that gap ?
I wonder whether these tech bros' desperate need to shore up their fragile masculinity isn't also due to underlying (and doubtless never-to-be-acknowledged) anxieties about the gender status of their occupational origins: computer programming, which used to be dominated by women in living memory. As someone who writes code, I know that it's rarely if ever a heroic endeavour - long hours spent sitting on your arse, tapping away, checking and re-checking, documenting and correcting mistakes, finishing X tiny thing and moving onto Y tiny thing... It's more like gardening than firefighting or driving racing cars or whatever else is defined as a hyper-masculine pursuit in popular culture - and one of the few occupations that has gone from being majority female to majority male.
And although I don't believe Musk was ever much good at coding (his statements about Twitter's code were 101-level wrong and he's always been, at best, more like a non-technical product manager), he's so thoroughly defined himself through claims to being supremely knowledgeable about tech that I suspect he may also be haunted by the fact that the thing he claims to be superb at used to be women's work and can easily be done from an armchair, or a beanbag, or bed. All the chainsaw-waving, 8th-grade trolling, and child-spawning is clearly compensating for something.
I wonder too whether, in the mix, there isn't also the haunting, damning spectre of Steve Jobs. Yes, he was also often an arsehole - but he was also the real deal: genuinely talented, genuinely clever, and the architect of products which were genuinely successful in and of themselves (i.e., without the chicanery, dark patterns, data harvesting, and all-round enshittification that Big Tech now depends upon for financial success). The iPhone's success is unlikely ever to be repeated - and all these tech bros know it. Jobs was also someone who presented a rather different masculinity, at least as appears from interviews: rigorous, forthright, dogmatic... yet also intensely reflective, open about his own failings, and (sometimes!) able to course correct when faced with his own mistakes. He also repeatedly acknowledged the central role that other people had played in making him a success (and especially how they were often poets, artists, creative people of diverse backgrounds). I don't want to heroize him at all - but I feel like Jobs might be the father figure that none of these bozos can live up to, and know deep down that they never will.
In his life journey, Steve Jobs was guided by a keen sense of his own mortality that appears to be lost on the likes of Musk, Zuck, or Bezos. People who remember they are mortal realize that everything they ever own is borrowed and will soon have to be relinquished. They have an urgent sense of purpose. They want to use their limited time on Earth to some creative end. On the other hand, people who are oblivious to their own mortality, at least consciously, want to hoard power (and money) for its own sake. Greed is the automatic outcome of a lack of inner aim.
You’re so right, Marco - can you even imagine how hollow inside these guys must be? When it comes down to it, money really isn’t all that interesting, and after a while what does it buy you other than stuff you already own?
Your comment is insightful. Thank you.
Excellent article! I find the “Broligarchs” so desperate to prove their masculinity, like the mugshot of Trump, or the chainsaw wielding Musk. Beating their chests to be Alpha must be exhausting.
I’ve recently begun to see (thanks in large part to your writing), how my life has been shaped by stereotypes of masculinity. It’s probably what led me to drinking and smoking weed almost every day for a decade. It’s probably why I majored in science even though I loved English in high school (your piece on male flight was an eye-opener). It’s probably the missing through line of my memoir manuscript. It’s probably why I drink too much coffee. I will think about this every day for the rest of my life.
favorite comment. Thanks so much for your self reflection here Jake - it’s so so helpful.
Thank you for the help too. I'm looking forward to start another round of revisions with this in the front of my mind.
Agree with all. I’m a musician in a professional orchestra in southern USA. I was the only woman principal player for many years. Now we have 4 out of 13. I definitely experienced male patriarchy and continue to do so. I have had to behave in a more masculine way to be listened to and taken seriously. The south is particularly bad in this regard. You can’t win - if you speak up - you’re being to aggressive (a man can and has in my presence said or done same things I have and been praised for it - while I’m patted on head and told not to worry about it) or alternately if you behave in a typically southern feminine way - you are ignored. When I did calling for political campaigns - the number of times women said - I have to ask my husband who we are voting for made my head spin. It’s so engrained. Thank you for addressing the underlying roots of all this
Such an interesting piece! This quote stood out to me: “women and low T men” cannot think freely because they “can’t defend themselves physically.” “This is why a Republic of high status males is best for decision making. Democratic, but a democracy only for those who are free to think.”
That was what the founding fathers thought too. Only wealthy, land-owning white men could lead or vote, for a very long time.
Thank you for exploring this new (to me) way of thinking about current events. I’m eager to read the upcoming pieces.
This is why the supreme court constructionist justices that look at the constitution as the be all and end all for thinking about the law ... are WRONG. The authors of the constitution were victims of their time, just like the rest of us ... and they believed that rich white men had the right to make rules for themselves and to hell with everyone else. That was wrong then, and it's wrong now.