First, a thanks for posting it earlier for us eastern timezone folk.
I absolutely loved this post. Sex, centered on women absolutely increases enjoyment for all.
My wife and I are on our tenth marriage, not due to divorce we have been together for almost 20 years and we have made such significant changes in our relationship that we call them different marriages. It stems from a concept in Esther Perel’s book about marriage. Our first marriage was a patriarchy marriage where my value as a man stemmed from a certain ideal of manhood that both caused shame and resentment. My spouse felt that her value derived from her ability to have children.
Significant changes in our understanding of sexuality, gender identity, and patriarchy have made for an amazing relationship. Sex is not centered in penetration, procreation, or ejaculation; it is focused on intimacy and pleasure. Each has been able to see ourselves through the eyes of a loving partner and feel each other’s care.
Each marriage has been a deliberate decision to make something better, sometime with unintended consequences, yet we continue to be the best versions of ourselves and to approach marriage as an ever changing reality.
I posted it earlier for you Arturo 😊 Glad you noticed ❤️ and thanks for this beautiful comment- this has been our experience in marriage too- we have a completely different marriage now that we’ve both deconstructed the scripts we were handed of what it means to be a husband/wife.
"My wife and I are on our tenth marriage, not due to divorce we have been together for almost 20 years and we have made such significant changes in our relationship that we call them different marriages." Obsessed with this. I've noticed people who stay happily married often say some version of this.
Like Celeste wrote, there are 300 ways patriarchy fucks up sex. And there are countless reasons married sex sucks for women. But one of the reasons women often get interested in sex again after divorce is that most marriages are monogamous and, on average, women tire of monogamy long before men. In addition, the average woman is more sexually adventurous than the average man.
Women need novelty for arousal more than men do. Patriarchy is the reason most people think the opposite is true.
Polyamory is one way to deal with this reality. But another, underrated way to keep the spark alive is to find ways to inject novelty into your lives and bedroom. Try new things. Become dynamic, evolving, maturing people. Always be in the process of becoming someone new.
Polyamory was anti-helpful for me. I think the only way it would work would be if every member was equally attracted and in love with every other member. But humans generally don't work that way. So you get group relationships where people pretend everything is fine but it isn't, and if that's you, you ruined everybody's good time, didn't you? I am so against polyamory now, its a red flag. Promoters of it sound like cultists, explaining how their guru is all about love.
I think you might be confusing polyamory with group sex. Poly can be multiple separate partners and no hierarchy need be involved. The weirdness is when married people try to be poly, rather than people just being solo poly, IMHO
First off, thank you as always for a compelling piece. This was fascinating. I think I've mentioned this before, but I'm reminded of Kristen Ghodsee's book "Why Women Have Better Sex Under Socialism," probably because patriarchy and capitalism are mutually perpetuating 🤷♂️.
I believe the inspiration for the book was a post-reunification German survey that found that formerly East German women who had been living in a socialist model were more sexually fulfilled than formerly West German women, who had been living under capitalism. Her thesis is essentially that because capitalism requires surplus labor that (mostly) women freely provide in the home, and this free labor places women in a dependent relationship relative to men, women are more likely to be stuck in relationships that don't serve them - sexually and otherwise.
Where there is even economic footing, any woman is at greater liberty to exclude a man from consideration as a new or continued partner if they fail to provide more than just a paycheck. Equal footing/economic power = greater likelihood of an equal relationship (patriarchal norms remain an issue) = greater likelihood of a more equal sexual relationship.
There's more to be said about the commodification of our time, attention, and affections more broadly under capitalism, but that's for another day. Long story short, I think part of the remedy here on top of redefining norms is advocating for policies that improve economic bargaining power for women.
Interestingly, East Germany had implemented several feminist policy priorities before (sometimes well before) they came to the West, and sexual liberation was alive and well behind the Iron Curtain. In some respects Eastern European states were pioneers in this space.
Enjoyed the fantasy football and hobbies analogy! It’s like thinking cookies= oatmeal raisin and therefore thinking I don’t like cookies. And then trying a chocolate chip cookie and realizing, I do indeed like SOME kinds of cookies!!!! This definitely happened in my sex life and my husband and I have definitely discovered that the way to make our sex life fun, easy and mutually enjoyable is to center my perspective. The more turned on I am, the more I genuinely want to do things to him that he very much enjoys. 🔥
"my husband and I have definitely discovered that the way to make our sex life fun, easy and mutually enjoyable is to center my perspective. The more turned on I am, the more I genuinely want to do things to him that he very much enjoys." - this makes so much sense. We really have been sold a doozy by patriarchy!!!
I've lost count of how often I've seen this pattern play out in my caseload of women who think they don't like sex and then discover they just didn't like sex with their husbands. Nor can I count the number of times a female client has confided to me that she thinks there is something wrong with her because she doesn't orgasm from penetration. 18.4% actually sounds like a high number to me. I attended a CEU course on this recently by sex therapist, Laurie Mintz, who said only 4% of women report reliably orgasming from penetration, and it's notable that they are orgasming from clitoral stimulation that occurs as a result of penetration. She also talked about how the obsession with the g-spot and "vaginal orgasm" set us back 50 years. I recommend checking out her book, Becoming Cliterate: Why Orgasm Equality Matters--And How to Get It https://a.co/d/4728UIS
SO low. I have had many conversations reassuring my female patients that there is nothing wrong with their anatomy and that if anything, women who orgasm from penetration are the outliers.
Wow. As a lesbian the last part hit me like a ton of bricks because that describes my sex life, and the normal sexuality shared by lesbians. I feel like there is a lot that lesbian and bisexual women could be sharing with straight women and men if they listened.
What's the opposite of hatred of women? Men will invariably leap up in response to this question to bellow out, "Misandry!! Wahhh!" (as if there even is such a thing. Pro tip: there isn't. Women don't have that kind of collective power.)
This is, of course, not just wrong - it's stupidly, obviously wrong in a logical failure kind of way.
The opposite of "hatred of women" is "love of women."
As someone who has been a victim of misandry, your comment really got me triggered. Believe it or not, one woman can destroy a man with little effort. What is obvious about this whole discussion is that there is a fundamental lack of communication between men and women, perpetuated by these definitive statements and then the disarming "women don't have collective power". So much of that feminist mindset comes from this self defeated belief that women are powerless. In which case, why bother even discussing it?
But if heterosexual sex is merely the manifestation of patriarchy, then the very foundation of sex as a part of life should be called into question, correct? What about the dominatrix? What about gay men? What about sex addicts?
This divide goes hand in hand with the postmodern dialectics that dominate the mindset of most cultures. It is a gulf that I see will not ever be bridged within our lifetime. I concede that I fail to understand that. However, I wish women understood their sexual drive is primal and has little to do with freedom or expression....and when women these days weaponize sex (or lack of it), the only real losers are the future generations whose existence becomes an extension of this radical self expression activism.
Bottom line, our society has become so satiated with false realities that both men and women have forgotten that sex is much more than pleasure or a lack thereof, it is the continuation of the species.
I’m bisexual. They don’t want to listen. They want the believe that individual heterosexual achievement will solve their problem with patriarchy.
I didn’t realize I liked queer people until I was 30. It couldn’t have come a moment sooner because dating men was torturous (though I almost always had decent sex with men because I only dated “weird” guys who also liked sex).
I’m often shocked by pieces like this because THE ANSWER IS SO SIMPLE and yet it’s always ignored (well now it’s nodded to as a diversity acknowledgement but never taken seriously). Queer people have figured this out. Queer sex and sexual practice have solved all the common sexual problems of heteronormative sex.
Straight women should really be looking toward queer women for models of relationships that don’t sort roles and responsibilities based on something as arbitrary as gender. They aren’t really that interested though.
Gender is not arbitrary. You say that from a very privileged perspective. That is insanity. The ability to even express sexuality is privilege. If there were 10,000 people on Earth, you would not have that privilege.
I'm so disheartened to keep stumbling across this conflict between men and women. Listen to yourself! Your sexual desires are not programmed into you for your own pleasure. Women have much more to lose during sex, but a man cannot reprogram himself for your own privilege.
Goddamn no wonder kids these days feel so hopeless. We cannot even agree on things that are ancestors took at face value.
This is great, I love the language you are using to describe this issue. I had to "rebrand" sex in my mind to stop looking at it as an obligation to a partner to fulfill their needs. Now I see it as "self-care" for ME! BUT, I could only do this with a partner who was willing to do the things I want and need, and more importantly to NOT do the things I don't want or like. I've gone from completely avoiding sex to 4-5 times a week or more!
Such a great point of not doing things you don’t like as equally important as doing the things you DO like. I think the things we don’t like is discussed so much less to spare potential hurt feelings but it’s important to 1. Know your desires and 2. Express them. Thanks Jennifer!
This is absolutely accurate to my experience. Also, to offer further anecdotal evidence in support of the fact that we associate sex with penetration, I recently went in search of dental dams, a form of protection used when giving oral sex to women, thinking they would appear in drug stores alongside condoms. Not only are they not there, but many drug store employees are confused when I ask about them. Either we do not appear to believe that STDs can be transmitted orally or we do not consider women receiving oral sex to be important.
Love this! It reminds me of the books Becoming Cliterate, and Come as You Are. Both introduced me to the idea of orgasm equality, and helped me rewrite so many narratives that tie patriarchy to sex. Can’t recommend these books enough!!
& “OMG yes” is an amazing online resource for couples looking for science backed ways take women’s pleasure to the next level 🔥🔥
I honestly thought I was the only woman who hated sex with her husband. It made me sick to my stomach. I’m thankfully now divorced. This article was mind blowing for me and I learned so much. Many thanks to the author. It should be posted in all barber shops worldwide.
This is a great post! This topic is kind of my jam so this comment turned into a soapbox rant, but I feel very strongly that I have a point to add that may be (will be) controversial but is key, so: deconstructing the patriarchal lies about vaginas put in place to control women sexually are crucial to women accessing sexual pleasure and all forms of freedom and empowerment. This means acknowledging a couple of (for men, terrifying) facts about reality:
-frequent use doesn’t destroy vaginas, it makes vaginas healthier, and sex more pleasurable. More relaxed, strong, and responsive pelvic floor muscles makes you much, MUCH more likely to have an orgasm, and to feel greater pleasure (or any pleasure at all) during penetration
-sexual pleasure through the vagina requires immense strength and endurance. Any woman who has tried to get herself off with a non-vibrating dildo realizes why men are bigger than women: sustained and controlled force is required (from the man moving his body ie thrusts generated from men’s comparatively huge upper bodies/backs) to make a woman orgasm through penetration bc the vagina has a low number of nerve endings. Sustained and controlled force does not mean so much force a woman is injured. It does not mean a tiny spurt of painful force. It does not mean cruelty, or degradation. It literally just means significant physical strength and endurance. This is very upsetting to many men, because it means things men can’t completely control, like their height, muscles, and penis size do make a difference to women’s physiological sexual pleasure in a way that has no equivalent if the genders were reversed.
-Women cannot enjoy penetration if they are scared and clenching their muscles. Some women do this bc they were told lies that their vagina is a delicate flower that can be entered, violated, and “deflowered” or “popped” by a penis. It can’t. All vaginas are evolved to bounce back from the brutality of many births. Thrusting from a penis does nothing other than make your vagina and whole body healthier, unless your partner is purposely trying to injure you with extreme force. Thus, if a woman is tight and scared, she will feel 1. pain at worst or 2. absolutely nothing at best.
-The clitoris is very important, but imo is now overemphasized, bc it still fits within patriarchal norms: just let him have lazy, inadequate vaginal sex with you for three seconds, don’t address his endurance or lack of strength or porn use that impacts his endurance, and just let him rub one out for you later. This is NOT acceptable. Knowledge and expectations regarding clitoral stimulation can certainly be empowering, even crucial. But imo, patriarchy absolutely REQUIRES women to be actively lied to about their vagina- I would recommend women get real about fear, crippling shame, and inaccuracies they have been taught about how this most amazing sexual organ works (ie shed the lies that it’s weak, embarrassing, or fragile to have a vagina or be penetrated) and then be able to recognize that penetration is NOT just something a woman does “for a man.” Penetration (even if with simultaneous clitoral stimulation) is the way a woman experiences the strongest, most satisfying orgasms of her life— satisfying enough to bother having and maintaining a relationship with a man. Penetration is not patriarchal! Men being lazy and selfish during penetration bc of bigotry towards women and lies about how vaginas work IS patriarchal!
-Regarding pregnancy, if a woman so chooses, she can choose to absorb her partner’s sperm through her vagina, so as to grow a child (impregnation is a patriarchal term that positions the woman as passive- I like to call it “sperm absorption” to make the man feel passive for once). The vagina is evolved to lure attractive sperm with chemical signals, and cull out weak and inadequate sperm, and can store sperm that only survive the brutal conditions of the vagina if they are strong. This means all sperm that reach an egg (about 200 make it and are all absorbed by the powerful egg out of the 200,000,000 that start out) are the best of a man. This is a perfect microcosm for how women elevate and empower men to be their best only if we uphold our high boundaries and expectations at all times.
-patriarchy sells men the lie that if women are forced to have no boundaries and no expectations, this means men will never fail to live up to them and all men will get what they want. While this is true…all men in a patriarchy get grudging sex and a resigned wife, it also shoots men in the foot bc it means the man will never get to experience the true empowerment and joy that comes from earning a woman’s love and desire that she has given freely and joyfully. To men who are kind people and confident, they would prefer the feminist route- earn the woman’s love/desire/affection/loyalty etc and prove themselves as men. It’s just very passive for men to need that self worth from an external source (women). This is partly where misogynistic bigotry evolves from, imo. Ultimately, only men who are weak-willed truly need patriarchy. Sadly, the nature of patriarchy is that it reduces all men down to these insecure, disempowered, deeply unattractive models— unless they actively resist this trap of a system.
I hope women who feel shut off from their sexuality and are passively drifting along, letting men randomly act on them, or else shutting themselves off completely from sex in fear of men never respecting their boundaries, recognize all the lies we are actively taught by our patriarchal societies, and recognize that men ≠ misogynistic bigotry, so that we can enjoy sex and relationships with men as an empowering and satisfying enhancement to our lives.
Yes it is. The vagina is an organ that specifically evolved for the wear and tear of childbirth. It is literally the birth canal. In humans as in most mammals it is meant to birth live young multiple times throughout the fertile period of a woman’s lifetime. Women don’t die in childbirth due to their vaginas. They die from bleeding out from the placenta detaching and the blood vessels not closing, or from infection. The entire vagina opens like a gigantic canal straight through into the enlarged uterus- it’s like the entire woman’s body opens up like a big cave. That is what all vaginas evolved to do- so penises of any size are no problem.
Sorry to clarify: 200 sperm attach to the egg, and the chromosomes of the first one to get absorbed through the egg’s outer wall joins with the egg’s chromosomes. My point is that there isn’t one sperm that “wins” the egg. Hundreds of fit sperm make it (out of hundreds of millions of unfit sperm) and the one that “wins” is actually just randomly lucky.
And none of those reasons a woman might die in birth has to do with a woman’s vaginas not being able to handle birth or be big enough. Vaginal tears are normal and women continue to have sex and give birth after their vaginas have healed from multiple births.
You’re describing the sexual pain disorder called vaginismus- where a woman has pain despite the absence of any physical trauma to the vagina. It’s caused by psychological trauma and is a psychosomatic disorder. It’s not uncommon for women with this pain disorder to find even using a tampon excruciating. Luckily, vaginismus is completely treatable with pelvic floor PT and therapy. In this treatment, the PT instructs the woman to insert medical dildos into her vagina and let go of preconceived notions and fear about sex- in this way, she learns that none of it is injuring her. Over time, the woman learns that her beliefs about sex (that it damages the body or hurts or diminishes her as a person in some way) are incorrect. The dildo sizes range from less than an a tampon, to the size of a large penis. I experienced this disorder myself due to trauma. And I was sure I’d never be able to use the larger sizes. I actually thought my literal pelvic bones weren’t big enough! 😆 my PT told me that most women say the same thing, and all the women she’s ever worked with could eventually use the largest size with no pain- even a woman she worked with who was 4’11”. She turned out to be right! The vagina is meant to stretch enormous amounts and even tear at birth. Even a very large penis is nowhere near injuring a woman, as long as she is relaxed, confident, and communicating with her lover. When a woman feels pain during penetration, it’s because she’s tense, or her partner is being too rough. The more relaxed a woman’s vagina is, the more sexual pleasure she can feel. And the truth is that larger objects stimulate the vagina more pleasurably. I know this might be distressing for many men to hear. But it is the truth about how the vagina works on a physiological level. Men should know the honest truth so they can face reality and take whatever steps they wish to take to pleasure their female partners as best as they can and feel confident in the bedroom.
Thanks for your reply, Michelle! Being penetrated is about as passive as a king who sits on his throne and waits expectantly for his attendants to fetch him his food and drink- men don’t seem to find that “passive” so not sure why they find us “passive” in bed! Seems like a whole lot of cope to me over the fact that they’re the sexual version of a ruler’s attendants. ;) Men would like us to believe it’s humiliating, though, bc that allows them to control our behaviors (ie not seek out sex with men who are better at sex than them bc we believe the lie that it will “ruin” our bodies or diminish us in some way). Those damn ancient Greeks! What a hideously patriarchal culture. Even Roman women were considered free compared to Greek women. And all of them having less rights than slaves. What do you even call a status that is less free than slavery? Language doesn’t even exist that allows us to describe the reality of men’s behaviors towards us.
I agree that patriarchal thinking is deeply, deeply ingrained in almost all people’s psyches- it takes so much unlearning to become healthy and confident as a woman (at least, it has for me). Although I disagree that conservative Christianity is uniquely patriarchal. In fact, and I say this as a woman who was raised Catholic and who now eschews all patriarchal religions, Christianity imo is one of the most egalitarian religions out there for women- in fact it’s the only major world religion that doesn’t open state that men are the ruling gender in the eyes of god. Christian teachings (so, New Testament) literally say that all people (including women) are equal in god’s eyes- women, men, children, ethnic minorities, and slaves. That was extremely radical, and I think it’s the reason why the nations where women have the most freedom on earth are the historically Christian nations. Certainly Mary’s presence in Christianity has given women a chance to celebrate a mother goddess for the first time since humans became civilized.
I was homeschooled, and taught terrifying things about sex and womanhood (that I now know came from my female family members’ own traumas) that made me dis-identify with femininity and femaleness for a long time. I even developed vaginismus as a coping mechanism for my shame and fear— a way to literally keep men out. So I definitely used to believe all those lies about vaginas and sex. Only in undergoing pelvic floor PT and literally learning how female sex organs work on a mechanical level did I see with my own eyes that cultural attitudes about women and femininity is all a huge, elaborate lie. Connecting to female family members, seeing that they were dealing with their own wounds, and forgiving them was a turning point. The other turning point that happened was realizing, through gaining accurate knowledge of my own female body parts, that men actually are very out of control too, and in a very naturally passive position on an evolutionary level (penis size, body size and strength mattering for female physiological arousal— at least having small boobs doesn’t mean a man’s penis can’t get stimulated!— constantly being the chasing gender that must passively wait to be chosen, having to just blindly trust that a woman isn’t lying about the paternity of her child). This allowed me to see where all the hideous male coping mechanisms that take the form of versions degrees of sexual coercion and control come from (ie rape, pornography, misogynistic religious teachings, etc): all an attempt to exert a control they naturally lack. This realization has allowed me to begin forgiving men as a gender for sometimes struggling with these vulnerabilities, and that has allowed me to begin to appreciate men who handle these vulnerabilities with courage, honor, and respect, rather than craven, neurotic coercion. It’s a process I’ve just begun, but I feel it healing my soul and starting to change my relationship with men for the better! ❤️🩹
(Oops that was another soapbox rant. But like I said, this topic is my jam!!)
This is such a great article. I preach to all my girlfriends that penetration is not sufficient for most women to orgasm and toys are generally necessary to achieve clitoral stimulation, as is the build up for women before the act of penetration. Think - touching, oral, dirty talk, etc. The sad thing is that marriage should be the ideal scenario to explore a woman’s sexual needs - a partner she can communicate with openly and trust with her desires, without fear of stds, with a mutually agreed upon plan for preventing pregnancy, and with time for the partner to get to know exactly what she needs to achieve orgasm. It boggles my mind that it seems like sex is an afterthought in many marriages and not one of the most exciting and pleasurable things you can do with your partner.
What a wonderfully refreshing viewpoint and article! I pretty much hated sex with my ex. I was forever doing more extreme sex acts with him, at his request, than I was comfortable with or interested in, while my desires were deemed to be too much work. The best organic orgasm I had with him was when he'd massaged my whole body for an hour. My body felt fluid and my pelvic floor was so relaxed that my vaginismus didn't make penetration excruciating. Having the pain that penetration caused me ignored for a decade took a big toll on my self esteem and emotional/physical health.
My ex would flip over and huff when I said no. Guilted, I'd give in. I've been single for over 4 years and having my body back - ALL MINE - has been bliss and worth the fleeting moments of loneliness I have from time to time.
I knew the relationship was terrible for me, unbeneficial, and added so little to my lived experiences, yet I stayed, cuz hadn't sex almost always been that way? Thank you so much for your article!
Celeste, I always love your posts but I think this one might be my favorite one to date. You have no idea how incredibly validating it is to read about other people who have experienced the same thing as you and to see that maybe you aren't crazy! Thank you for this and for all the work you do, it really is a gift!
Def not crazy!!! (I think this is esp the experience of Mormon women/ ex Mormon women for whom marital patriarchal sex is the ONLY sex they’ve ever known)
First, a thanks for posting it earlier for us eastern timezone folk.
I absolutely loved this post. Sex, centered on women absolutely increases enjoyment for all.
My wife and I are on our tenth marriage, not due to divorce we have been together for almost 20 years and we have made such significant changes in our relationship that we call them different marriages. It stems from a concept in Esther Perel’s book about marriage. Our first marriage was a patriarchy marriage where my value as a man stemmed from a certain ideal of manhood that both caused shame and resentment. My spouse felt that her value derived from her ability to have children.
Significant changes in our understanding of sexuality, gender identity, and patriarchy have made for an amazing relationship. Sex is not centered in penetration, procreation, or ejaculation; it is focused on intimacy and pleasure. Each has been able to see ourselves through the eyes of a loving partner and feel each other’s care.
Each marriage has been a deliberate decision to make something better, sometime with unintended consequences, yet we continue to be the best versions of ourselves and to approach marriage as an ever changing reality.
I posted it earlier for you Arturo 😊 Glad you noticed ❤️ and thanks for this beautiful comment- this has been our experience in marriage too- we have a completely different marriage now that we’ve both deconstructed the scripts we were handed of what it means to be a husband/wife.
"My wife and I are on our tenth marriage, not due to divorce we have been together for almost 20 years and we have made such significant changes in our relationship that we call them different marriages." Obsessed with this. I've noticed people who stay happily married often say some version of this.
Like Celeste wrote, there are 300 ways patriarchy fucks up sex. And there are countless reasons married sex sucks for women. But one of the reasons women often get interested in sex again after divorce is that most marriages are monogamous and, on average, women tire of monogamy long before men. In addition, the average woman is more sexually adventurous than the average man.
Women need novelty for arousal more than men do. Patriarchy is the reason most people think the opposite is true.
Polyamory is one way to deal with this reality. But another, underrated way to keep the spark alive is to find ways to inject novelty into your lives and bedroom. Try new things. Become dynamic, evolving, maturing people. Always be in the process of becoming someone new.
Polyamory was anti-helpful for me. I think the only way it would work would be if every member was equally attracted and in love with every other member. But humans generally don't work that way. So you get group relationships where people pretend everything is fine but it isn't, and if that's you, you ruined everybody's good time, didn't you? I am so against polyamory now, its a red flag. Promoters of it sound like cultists, explaining how their guru is all about love.
I think you might be confusing polyamory with group sex. Poly can be multiple separate partners and no hierarchy need be involved. The weirdness is when married people try to be poly, rather than people just being solo poly, IMHO
What an interesting insight.
First off, thank you as always for a compelling piece. This was fascinating. I think I've mentioned this before, but I'm reminded of Kristen Ghodsee's book "Why Women Have Better Sex Under Socialism," probably because patriarchy and capitalism are mutually perpetuating 🤷♂️.
I believe the inspiration for the book was a post-reunification German survey that found that formerly East German women who had been living in a socialist model were more sexually fulfilled than formerly West German women, who had been living under capitalism. Her thesis is essentially that because capitalism requires surplus labor that (mostly) women freely provide in the home, and this free labor places women in a dependent relationship relative to men, women are more likely to be stuck in relationships that don't serve them - sexually and otherwise.
Where there is even economic footing, any woman is at greater liberty to exclude a man from consideration as a new or continued partner if they fail to provide more than just a paycheck. Equal footing/economic power = greater likelihood of an equal relationship (patriarchal norms remain an issue) = greater likelihood of a more equal sexual relationship.
There's more to be said about the commodification of our time, attention, and affections more broadly under capitalism, but that's for another day. Long story short, I think part of the remedy here on top of redefining norms is advocating for policies that improve economic bargaining power for women.
Wow! Fascinating! Thanks for this Taylor! Kicking myself I didn’t read this book before writing this article bc it fits in perfectly!!!
Thank you for this! Educating, eye-opening.
This is fascinating and interesting. Thanks for the insight.
can you link to the survey
Interestingly, East Germany had implemented several feminist policy priorities before (sometimes well before) they came to the West, and sexual liberation was alive and well behind the Iron Curtain. In some respects Eastern European states were pioneers in this space.
Women need to stop putting up with men who don’t care about them.
If he is simply using his partner in bed, he probably sucks as a human being in other ways. DO NOT MARRY OR DATE MEN WHO SUCK.
Hold out for a good guy. If the sex is one-sided, you haven’t found one.
Enjoyed the fantasy football and hobbies analogy! It’s like thinking cookies= oatmeal raisin and therefore thinking I don’t like cookies. And then trying a chocolate chip cookie and realizing, I do indeed like SOME kinds of cookies!!!! This definitely happened in my sex life and my husband and I have definitely discovered that the way to make our sex life fun, easy and mutually enjoyable is to center my perspective. The more turned on I am, the more I genuinely want to do things to him that he very much enjoys. 🔥
Oh cookies is even better bc it probably is about 18.4% of people who actually like oatmeal raisin 😂😂 Good one Jamee!!!
😂 my husband is one of those 18.4%
"my husband and I have definitely discovered that the way to make our sex life fun, easy and mutually enjoyable is to center my perspective. The more turned on I am, the more I genuinely want to do things to him that he very much enjoys." - this makes so much sense. We really have been sold a doozy by patriarchy!!!
Thank you for this 💜 it’s helped me understand a few things about my past experience. 💜
I've lost count of how often I've seen this pattern play out in my caseload of women who think they don't like sex and then discover they just didn't like sex with their husbands. Nor can I count the number of times a female client has confided to me that she thinks there is something wrong with her because she doesn't orgasm from penetration. 18.4% actually sounds like a high number to me. I attended a CEU course on this recently by sex therapist, Laurie Mintz, who said only 4% of women report reliably orgasming from penetration, and it's notable that they are orgasming from clitoral stimulation that occurs as a result of penetration. She also talked about how the obsession with the g-spot and "vaginal orgasm" set us back 50 years. I recommend checking out her book, Becoming Cliterate: Why Orgasm Equality Matters--And How to Get It https://a.co/d/4728UIS
Wow so interesting- 4% is so low!
SO low. I have had many conversations reassuring my female patients that there is nothing wrong with their anatomy and that if anything, women who orgasm from penetration are the outliers.
Wow. As a lesbian the last part hit me like a ton of bricks because that describes my sex life, and the normal sexuality shared by lesbians. I feel like there is a lot that lesbian and bisexual women could be sharing with straight women and men if they listened.
Misogyny is the hatred of women.
What's the opposite of hatred of women? Men will invariably leap up in response to this question to bellow out, "Misandry!! Wahhh!" (as if there even is such a thing. Pro tip: there isn't. Women don't have that kind of collective power.)
This is, of course, not just wrong - it's stupidly, obviously wrong in a logical failure kind of way.
The opposite of "hatred of women" is "love of women."
Lesbians are the antidote to misogyny. <3
As someone who has been a victim of misandry, your comment really got me triggered. Believe it or not, one woman can destroy a man with little effort. What is obvious about this whole discussion is that there is a fundamental lack of communication between men and women, perpetuated by these definitive statements and then the disarming "women don't have collective power". So much of that feminist mindset comes from this self defeated belief that women are powerless. In which case, why bother even discussing it?
But if heterosexual sex is merely the manifestation of patriarchy, then the very foundation of sex as a part of life should be called into question, correct? What about the dominatrix? What about gay men? What about sex addicts?
This divide goes hand in hand with the postmodern dialectics that dominate the mindset of most cultures. It is a gulf that I see will not ever be bridged within our lifetime. I concede that I fail to understand that. However, I wish women understood their sexual drive is primal and has little to do with freedom or expression....and when women these days weaponize sex (or lack of it), the only real losers are the future generations whose existence becomes an extension of this radical self expression activism.
Bottom line, our society has become so satiated with false realities that both men and women have forgotten that sex is much more than pleasure or a lack thereof, it is the continuation of the species.
I’m bisexual. They don’t want to listen. They want the believe that individual heterosexual achievement will solve their problem with patriarchy.
I didn’t realize I liked queer people until I was 30. It couldn’t have come a moment sooner because dating men was torturous (though I almost always had decent sex with men because I only dated “weird” guys who also liked sex).
I’m often shocked by pieces like this because THE ANSWER IS SO SIMPLE and yet it’s always ignored (well now it’s nodded to as a diversity acknowledgement but never taken seriously). Queer people have figured this out. Queer sex and sexual practice have solved all the common sexual problems of heteronormative sex.
Straight women should really be looking toward queer women for models of relationships that don’t sort roles and responsibilities based on something as arbitrary as gender. They aren’t really that interested though.
Gender is not arbitrary. You say that from a very privileged perspective. That is insanity. The ability to even express sexuality is privilege. If there were 10,000 people on Earth, you would not have that privilege.
I'm so disheartened to keep stumbling across this conflict between men and women. Listen to yourself! Your sexual desires are not programmed into you for your own pleasure. Women have much more to lose during sex, but a man cannot reprogram himself for your own privilege.
Goddamn no wonder kids these days feel so hopeless. We cannot even agree on things that are ancestors took at face value.
Yesssss!!!!!
This is great, I love the language you are using to describe this issue. I had to "rebrand" sex in my mind to stop looking at it as an obligation to a partner to fulfill their needs. Now I see it as "self-care" for ME! BUT, I could only do this with a partner who was willing to do the things I want and need, and more importantly to NOT do the things I don't want or like. I've gone from completely avoiding sex to 4-5 times a week or more!
Such a great point of not doing things you don’t like as equally important as doing the things you DO like. I think the things we don’t like is discussed so much less to spare potential hurt feelings but it’s important to 1. Know your desires and 2. Express them. Thanks Jennifer!
This is absolutely accurate to my experience. Also, to offer further anecdotal evidence in support of the fact that we associate sex with penetration, I recently went in search of dental dams, a form of protection used when giving oral sex to women, thinking they would appear in drug stores alongside condoms. Not only are they not there, but many drug store employees are confused when I ask about them. Either we do not appear to believe that STDs can be transmitted orally or we do not consider women receiving oral sex to be important.
Oh such a good example!!! Thank you Lexi!
Speaking as a heterosexual man, I appreciate you compiling the interviews and presenting these points. Thank you!
Thanks Steve!
Same.
Love this! It reminds me of the books Becoming Cliterate, and Come as You Are. Both introduced me to the idea of orgasm equality, and helped me rewrite so many narratives that tie patriarchy to sex. Can’t recommend these books enough!!
& “OMG yes” is an amazing online resource for couples looking for science backed ways take women’s pleasure to the next level 🔥🔥
Yes! Thanks for these recs Kate!
I honestly thought I was the only woman who hated sex with her husband. It made me sick to my stomach. I’m thankfully now divorced. This article was mind blowing for me and I learned so much. Many thanks to the author. It should be posted in all barber shops worldwide.
This is a great post! This topic is kind of my jam so this comment turned into a soapbox rant, but I feel very strongly that I have a point to add that may be (will be) controversial but is key, so: deconstructing the patriarchal lies about vaginas put in place to control women sexually are crucial to women accessing sexual pleasure and all forms of freedom and empowerment. This means acknowledging a couple of (for men, terrifying) facts about reality:
-frequent use doesn’t destroy vaginas, it makes vaginas healthier, and sex more pleasurable. More relaxed, strong, and responsive pelvic floor muscles makes you much, MUCH more likely to have an orgasm, and to feel greater pleasure (or any pleasure at all) during penetration
-sexual pleasure through the vagina requires immense strength and endurance. Any woman who has tried to get herself off with a non-vibrating dildo realizes why men are bigger than women: sustained and controlled force is required (from the man moving his body ie thrusts generated from men’s comparatively huge upper bodies/backs) to make a woman orgasm through penetration bc the vagina has a low number of nerve endings. Sustained and controlled force does not mean so much force a woman is injured. It does not mean a tiny spurt of painful force. It does not mean cruelty, or degradation. It literally just means significant physical strength and endurance. This is very upsetting to many men, because it means things men can’t completely control, like their height, muscles, and penis size do make a difference to women’s physiological sexual pleasure in a way that has no equivalent if the genders were reversed.
-Women cannot enjoy penetration if they are scared and clenching their muscles. Some women do this bc they were told lies that their vagina is a delicate flower that can be entered, violated, and “deflowered” or “popped” by a penis. It can’t. All vaginas are evolved to bounce back from the brutality of many births. Thrusting from a penis does nothing other than make your vagina and whole body healthier, unless your partner is purposely trying to injure you with extreme force. Thus, if a woman is tight and scared, she will feel 1. pain at worst or 2. absolutely nothing at best.
-The clitoris is very important, but imo is now overemphasized, bc it still fits within patriarchal norms: just let him have lazy, inadequate vaginal sex with you for three seconds, don’t address his endurance or lack of strength or porn use that impacts his endurance, and just let him rub one out for you later. This is NOT acceptable. Knowledge and expectations regarding clitoral stimulation can certainly be empowering, even crucial. But imo, patriarchy absolutely REQUIRES women to be actively lied to about their vagina- I would recommend women get real about fear, crippling shame, and inaccuracies they have been taught about how this most amazing sexual organ works (ie shed the lies that it’s weak, embarrassing, or fragile to have a vagina or be penetrated) and then be able to recognize that penetration is NOT just something a woman does “for a man.” Penetration (even if with simultaneous clitoral stimulation) is the way a woman experiences the strongest, most satisfying orgasms of her life— satisfying enough to bother having and maintaining a relationship with a man. Penetration is not patriarchal! Men being lazy and selfish during penetration bc of bigotry towards women and lies about how vaginas work IS patriarchal!
-Regarding pregnancy, if a woman so chooses, she can choose to absorb her partner’s sperm through her vagina, so as to grow a child (impregnation is a patriarchal term that positions the woman as passive- I like to call it “sperm absorption” to make the man feel passive for once). The vagina is evolved to lure attractive sperm with chemical signals, and cull out weak and inadequate sperm, and can store sperm that only survive the brutal conditions of the vagina if they are strong. This means all sperm that reach an egg (about 200 make it and are all absorbed by the powerful egg out of the 200,000,000 that start out) are the best of a man. This is a perfect microcosm for how women elevate and empower men to be their best only if we uphold our high boundaries and expectations at all times.
-patriarchy sells men the lie that if women are forced to have no boundaries and no expectations, this means men will never fail to live up to them and all men will get what they want. While this is true…all men in a patriarchy get grudging sex and a resigned wife, it also shoots men in the foot bc it means the man will never get to experience the true empowerment and joy that comes from earning a woman’s love and desire that she has given freely and joyfully. To men who are kind people and confident, they would prefer the feminist route- earn the woman’s love/desire/affection/loyalty etc and prove themselves as men. It’s just very passive for men to need that self worth from an external source (women). This is partly where misogynistic bigotry evolves from, imo. Ultimately, only men who are weak-willed truly need patriarchy. Sadly, the nature of patriarchy is that it reduces all men down to these insecure, disempowered, deeply unattractive models— unless they actively resist this trap of a system.
I hope women who feel shut off from their sexuality and are passively drifting along, letting men randomly act on them, or else shutting themselves off completely from sex in fear of men never respecting their boundaries, recognize all the lies we are actively taught by our patriarchal societies, and recognize that men ≠ misogynistic bigotry, so that we can enjoy sex and relationships with men as an empowering and satisfying enhancement to our lives.
Thoroughly enjoyed your soapbox! Thanks for educating us Cecelia!
Thanks Celeste!
Yes it is. The vagina is an organ that specifically evolved for the wear and tear of childbirth. It is literally the birth canal. In humans as in most mammals it is meant to birth live young multiple times throughout the fertile period of a woman’s lifetime. Women don’t die in childbirth due to their vaginas. They die from bleeding out from the placenta detaching and the blood vessels not closing, or from infection. The entire vagina opens like a gigantic canal straight through into the enlarged uterus- it’s like the entire woman’s body opens up like a big cave. That is what all vaginas evolved to do- so penises of any size are no problem.
Sorry to clarify: 200 sperm attach to the egg, and the chromosomes of the first one to get absorbed through the egg’s outer wall joins with the egg’s chromosomes. My point is that there isn’t one sperm that “wins” the egg. Hundreds of fit sperm make it (out of hundreds of millions of unfit sperm) and the one that “wins” is actually just randomly lucky.
And none of those reasons a woman might die in birth has to do with a woman’s vaginas not being able to handle birth or be big enough. Vaginal tears are normal and women continue to have sex and give birth after their vaginas have healed from multiple births.
You’re describing the sexual pain disorder called vaginismus- where a woman has pain despite the absence of any physical trauma to the vagina. It’s caused by psychological trauma and is a psychosomatic disorder. It’s not uncommon for women with this pain disorder to find even using a tampon excruciating. Luckily, vaginismus is completely treatable with pelvic floor PT and therapy. In this treatment, the PT instructs the woman to insert medical dildos into her vagina and let go of preconceived notions and fear about sex- in this way, she learns that none of it is injuring her. Over time, the woman learns that her beliefs about sex (that it damages the body or hurts or diminishes her as a person in some way) are incorrect. The dildo sizes range from less than an a tampon, to the size of a large penis. I experienced this disorder myself due to trauma. And I was sure I’d never be able to use the larger sizes. I actually thought my literal pelvic bones weren’t big enough! 😆 my PT told me that most women say the same thing, and all the women she’s ever worked with could eventually use the largest size with no pain- even a woman she worked with who was 4’11”. She turned out to be right! The vagina is meant to stretch enormous amounts and even tear at birth. Even a very large penis is nowhere near injuring a woman, as long as she is relaxed, confident, and communicating with her lover. When a woman feels pain during penetration, it’s because she’s tense, or her partner is being too rough. The more relaxed a woman’s vagina is, the more sexual pleasure she can feel. And the truth is that larger objects stimulate the vagina more pleasurably. I know this might be distressing for many men to hear. But it is the truth about how the vagina works on a physiological level. Men should know the honest truth so they can face reality and take whatever steps they wish to take to pleasure their female partners as best as they can and feel confident in the bedroom.
Thanks for your reply, Michelle! Being penetrated is about as passive as a king who sits on his throne and waits expectantly for his attendants to fetch him his food and drink- men don’t seem to find that “passive” so not sure why they find us “passive” in bed! Seems like a whole lot of cope to me over the fact that they’re the sexual version of a ruler’s attendants. ;) Men would like us to believe it’s humiliating, though, bc that allows them to control our behaviors (ie not seek out sex with men who are better at sex than them bc we believe the lie that it will “ruin” our bodies or diminish us in some way). Those damn ancient Greeks! What a hideously patriarchal culture. Even Roman women were considered free compared to Greek women. And all of them having less rights than slaves. What do you even call a status that is less free than slavery? Language doesn’t even exist that allows us to describe the reality of men’s behaviors towards us.
I agree that patriarchal thinking is deeply, deeply ingrained in almost all people’s psyches- it takes so much unlearning to become healthy and confident as a woman (at least, it has for me). Although I disagree that conservative Christianity is uniquely patriarchal. In fact, and I say this as a woman who was raised Catholic and who now eschews all patriarchal religions, Christianity imo is one of the most egalitarian religions out there for women- in fact it’s the only major world religion that doesn’t open state that men are the ruling gender in the eyes of god. Christian teachings (so, New Testament) literally say that all people (including women) are equal in god’s eyes- women, men, children, ethnic minorities, and slaves. That was extremely radical, and I think it’s the reason why the nations where women have the most freedom on earth are the historically Christian nations. Certainly Mary’s presence in Christianity has given women a chance to celebrate a mother goddess for the first time since humans became civilized.
I was homeschooled, and taught terrifying things about sex and womanhood (that I now know came from my female family members’ own traumas) that made me dis-identify with femininity and femaleness for a long time. I even developed vaginismus as a coping mechanism for my shame and fear— a way to literally keep men out. So I definitely used to believe all those lies about vaginas and sex. Only in undergoing pelvic floor PT and literally learning how female sex organs work on a mechanical level did I see with my own eyes that cultural attitudes about women and femininity is all a huge, elaborate lie. Connecting to female family members, seeing that they were dealing with their own wounds, and forgiving them was a turning point. The other turning point that happened was realizing, through gaining accurate knowledge of my own female body parts, that men actually are very out of control too, and in a very naturally passive position on an evolutionary level (penis size, body size and strength mattering for female physiological arousal— at least having small boobs doesn’t mean a man’s penis can’t get stimulated!— constantly being the chasing gender that must passively wait to be chosen, having to just blindly trust that a woman isn’t lying about the paternity of her child). This allowed me to see where all the hideous male coping mechanisms that take the form of versions degrees of sexual coercion and control come from (ie rape, pornography, misogynistic religious teachings, etc): all an attempt to exert a control they naturally lack. This realization has allowed me to begin forgiving men as a gender for sometimes struggling with these vulnerabilities, and that has allowed me to begin to appreciate men who handle these vulnerabilities with courage, honor, and respect, rather than craven, neurotic coercion. It’s a process I’ve just begun, but I feel it healing my soul and starting to change my relationship with men for the better! ❤️🩹
(Oops that was another soapbox rant. But like I said, this topic is my jam!!)
This is such a great article. I preach to all my girlfriends that penetration is not sufficient for most women to orgasm and toys are generally necessary to achieve clitoral stimulation, as is the build up for women before the act of penetration. Think - touching, oral, dirty talk, etc. The sad thing is that marriage should be the ideal scenario to explore a woman’s sexual needs - a partner she can communicate with openly and trust with her desires, without fear of stds, with a mutually agreed upon plan for preventing pregnancy, and with time for the partner to get to know exactly what she needs to achieve orgasm. It boggles my mind that it seems like sex is an afterthought in many marriages and not one of the most exciting and pleasurable things you can do with your partner.
🌼Best landing response that resonates with me 🙏🏽
What a wonderfully refreshing viewpoint and article! I pretty much hated sex with my ex. I was forever doing more extreme sex acts with him, at his request, than I was comfortable with or interested in, while my desires were deemed to be too much work. The best organic orgasm I had with him was when he'd massaged my whole body for an hour. My body felt fluid and my pelvic floor was so relaxed that my vaginismus didn't make penetration excruciating. Having the pain that penetration caused me ignored for a decade took a big toll on my self esteem and emotional/physical health.
My ex would flip over and huff when I said no. Guilted, I'd give in. I've been single for over 4 years and having my body back - ALL MINE - has been bliss and worth the fleeting moments of loneliness I have from time to time.
I knew the relationship was terrible for me, unbeneficial, and added so little to my lived experiences, yet I stayed, cuz hadn't sex almost always been that way? Thank you so much for your article!
Celeste, I always love your posts but I think this one might be my favorite one to date. You have no idea how incredibly validating it is to read about other people who have experienced the same thing as you and to see that maybe you aren't crazy! Thank you for this and for all the work you do, it really is a gift!
Def not crazy!!! (I think this is esp the experience of Mormon women/ ex Mormon women for whom marital patriarchal sex is the ONLY sex they’ve ever known)
Your Substack is my favorite, Celeste, thank you.
Thanks so much Nimai!