Working closely with 12 women in a team designed to get things done is incredibly rewarding. I have met now some of the spouses and I can see how these men are egalitarian men that are not threatened by powerful women. Some of these men have followed their spouses across oceans to support their careers. We see great things when power is shared and equality is promoted.
This is the thing that fascinates me right now. It's clearly all about power. I was listening to Katherine Stewart's new book and there was a line something approximately like "If they can't own something, they break it." So anything that they can't enforce power over, they destroy. Like education, women's healthcare, the list goes on.
I always say if women just don’t show up to systems and institutions one day things would change quickly. You want priesthood in your institution and women arent allowed? All the women need to stop going. Women working collectively to have a “women’s day off” or multiple is what we need. And maybe first we need to have healing conversations among all the women of this country to get on the same page. The amount of women who voted for Trump tells me just how steeped in patriarchal masculinity so many women are.
Women are the workers behind the priests & pastors in every religion. Who cleans the church, arranges the flowers, sew the vestments & altar pieces, (where there are some, you can tell how I was raised!) organize & run charities & fund raisers, volunteer for committees & chair them, almost all unpaid? What wd American churches do if women stopped performing every support task the churches take credit for?
Thank you so much. This is a great series, and long overdue. I’m a 70 year old cis white male who likes women. In first grade (1960-61), “Chinese jump ropes” were all the rage among my (female) classmates, so I got one and brought it to school. My teacher took it away from me, because “boys don’t play with those.” That experience, and being raised with two older sisters set me on a good path, I guess. I look forward to reading more.
are all things, collectively, we do not talk about.
I tend to see how we live - masculinity / femininity as two sides of the same coin - male or female. What seems to be most prominent in (our) society at the moment is a preference for masculinity, strength, strong men. That rules out pretty much everything on that list.
It influences our thinking, our choice of leaders and by extension the policies therefrom.
It's as though we're having a dysfunctional conversation about what it means to be human.
To look at dysfunction in (our) society is to look at an absence of several of the items on that list.
What is considered strength by that standard is in fact weakness.
It's like living by your weak - other hand, if you are right or left handed respectively.
If you only have one hand, well, that explains a lot. If not, why would you?
Once again, I woke up, realized it was Sunday morning, and immediately reached for your latest work, Celeste. Today’s article, once again, did not disappoint. It fills me with hope and resolve. Thank you for this. Keep going.
So much goodness here, so many things that need to be said. Thank you. With you in trying to build a world where care and community is seen as strength and where no one is cut off from the fullness of their humanity.
I reject the terms masculine and feminine because, within patriarchy, they could easily be swapped out for terms like "valuable" and "insignificant" and we would still know which is which. We will only have gender equality when all genders are recognized, when all people have full and autonomous rights over their personhood, the same as biological men currently enjoy. There are laws in the US that take away a biological woman's reproductive rights over her own body. We have laws taking away healthcare for trans people. We have laws criminalizing sex work, which is sex between two consenting adults (which isn't the same as sex trafficking). These laws dehumanize people, which makes it easy to treat them as less than, or other than, human. Until we recognize the humanity within each of us, with equal rights over our bodies, there can be no equality, gender or otherwise.
Yes! Yes! YES! Thank you for your article. This is EXACTLY the point I have been trying to get across. I have found a welcome response from men who honestly want to just be seen as themselves. (I'm also the person with the crayon analogy)
Thanks <3 The more colors we have the more beautiful and complex we become. We can be our true selves only when we can create with every shade and tone of our being.
I was confused by your photo of the Icelandic Prime Minister and her wife, as there were three women and they were not identified. From an online image search, I found that the photo is from eleven years ago: Prime Minister of Iceland (left) and her wife (right) with Helle Thorning-Schmidt, Prime Minister of Denmark (middle). In case other readers were also interested, I thought I would post this information. Found here: https://gayice.is/news/latest/575-prime-minister-of-iceland-and-her-wife-on-an-official-visit-to-china
Women have far better support networks than men. Men shoulder the same or greater amounts of stress in isolation. And the outcomes? Bad. If anger is stress turned outward? Assault, domestic violence, homicide, suicide. All predominantly men.
It’s no secret.
Our president? Alpha male with an insecurity complex. It shows.
As far as the World Happiness Report: This is a Jewish prayer that's been around since the second century. Back then, it was said primarily by men. According to some scholars, it was an ancient attempt to redefine masculinity. For those of us who teach say this prayer today and for those of us who teach it, it's having an effect
These are the things that are limitless,
of which a person enjoys the fruit in this world
and the principal remains in the world to come:
Honoring ones father and mother,
engaging in deeds of living kindness,
arriving early for study morning and evening,
dealing graciously with guests,
visiting the sick
providing for the wedding couple
comforting the mourner
being devoted in prayer
and making peace among people
It's been thousands of years. But some of us men are still trying to create a world that aligns with the happiness report.
I’m guessing the correlation between conservative Christianity and the gender gap is strong in the US. I’d love to see those stats amongst our states.
I wonder how the vast fluctuations between our states compares with differences in regions within other countries. A blue US President vs red looks unrecognizably different from each other today.
I really appreciate the broader message of this article, especially the critique of patriarchal masculinity and the call to center care and connection. But I want to gently push back on some oversimplified claims about Finland, as someone who immigrated here 16 years ago and is quite intimately familiar with Finnish culture at this point...
First, just factually, we do not currently have a female prime minister. We did (Sanna Marin, 2019–2023), but she moved on to work abroad, and many of us felt let down by how her political promise didn’t translate into lasting structural change. She was a disappointment to all progressives here.
Second, the “World Happiness Report” rankings are based on things like institutional trust, education, and economic stability, not actual reported emotional happiness. And here’s where it gets murky: Finland might have systems in place, but that doesn’t mean people are thriving emotionally or that those systems don'tmainly benefit straight white men the most. In fact, Finland still has some of the highest rates of domestic abuse, depression, alcoholism, and suicide in the developed world. People here aren’t happy per se, they’re just quiet. Cultural stoicism and the refusal to complain are baked into the national psyche. That’s why we regularly laugh at our happiness ranking, because "loving misery" is an extremely Finnish trait.
Yes, gender equality in Finland is better on paper than in many places—there are more women in leadership, strong parental leave policies, etc. But patriarchy hasn’t disappeared, it’s just more discreet. A lot of Finnish men still see emotional openness as weakness. Vulnerability isn’t punished through aggression the way it might be elsewhere, but it’s punished through coldness, distance, or silent withdrawal. The masculinity here is quiet, not secure... AKA it presents differently in different cultures.
This emotional isolation is also tied to deep generational trauma. Finland has been shaped by war, colonization, and economic instability. Older generations still carry trauma from Russian and Swedish oppression. Many people just want to be left alone. That’s not just patriarchy; that’s survival mode passed down through families.
And while we might have some feminist policies in place and we're generally more equal re: gender roles, we’re also dealing with the worst wealth gap ever, stagnant wages against rising cost of living, and social services being stripped bare by capitalist agendas. Equality doesn’t mean much if people can’t afford to live well or access support. In practice, that looks like more burnout, more silence, more loneliness.
So while I appreciate the intent behind linking gender equality to happiness, I think it’s really important to avoid flattening complex countries into moral success stories. Finland’s doing better than many, sure, but it is not a utopia. You can’t measure a culture’s emotional health from an outsider's perspective.
I say this with care, because I do agree that valuing “feminine-coded” traits like care and community would make the world a better place. I just want to make sure we don’t miss the reality that even “gender-equal” societies have a long way to go when it comes to actual human connection and intimacy...
Thanks so much for this insider’s take- I really appreciate it. It is all too easy to make a utopia out of a place you haven’t lived in that meets all the metrics you envy on paper. Thanks for sharing your experience.
Working closely with 12 women in a team designed to get things done is incredibly rewarding. I have met now some of the spouses and I can see how these men are egalitarian men that are not threatened by powerful women. Some of these men have followed their spouses across oceans to support their careers. We see great things when power is shared and equality is promoted.
The fragility of these men who are trying to rule the US is so obvious. They destroy to feel powerful.
This is the thing that fascinates me right now. It's clearly all about power. I was listening to Katherine Stewart's new book and there was a line something approximately like "If they can't own something, they break it." So anything that they can't enforce power over, they destroy. Like education, women's healthcare, the list goes on.
Yes! And the Earth, herself…🙁
If only there was an economic tool to measure unpaid care work rather than just GDP.
Oh there is? It’s called Genuine Progress Indicator (GPI). I’d love to see it used as a mainstream societal metric in my lifetime.
I always say if women just don’t show up to systems and institutions one day things would change quickly. You want priesthood in your institution and women arent allowed? All the women need to stop going. Women working collectively to have a “women’s day off” or multiple is what we need. And maybe first we need to have healing conversations among all the women of this country to get on the same page. The amount of women who voted for Trump tells me just how steeped in patriarchal masculinity so many women are.
Women are the workers behind the priests & pastors in every religion. Who cleans the church, arranges the flowers, sew the vestments & altar pieces, (where there are some, you can tell how I was raised!) organize & run charities & fund raisers, volunteer for committees & chair them, almost all unpaid? What wd American churches do if women stopped performing every support task the churches take credit for?
“People have been taught to fear the very thing that will set them free.”🔥🖤
Thank you so much. This is a great series, and long overdue. I’m a 70 year old cis white male who likes women. In first grade (1960-61), “Chinese jump ropes” were all the rage among my (female) classmates, so I got one and brought it to school. My teacher took it away from me, because “boys don’t play with those.” That experience, and being raised with two older sisters set me on a good path, I guess. I look forward to reading more.
Caring and Sharing.
Sharing meals with others.
Living with others.
Connecting with others.
Supporting others.
Trusting others.
Giving to others.
are all things, collectively, we do not talk about.
I tend to see how we live - masculinity / femininity as two sides of the same coin - male or female. What seems to be most prominent in (our) society at the moment is a preference for masculinity, strength, strong men. That rules out pretty much everything on that list.
It influences our thinking, our choice of leaders and by extension the policies therefrom.
It's as though we're having a dysfunctional conversation about what it means to be human.
To look at dysfunction in (our) society is to look at an absence of several of the items on that list.
What is considered strength by that standard is in fact weakness.
It's like living by your weak - other hand, if you are right or left handed respectively.
If you only have one hand, well, that explains a lot. If not, why would you?
Why are we?
Once again, I woke up, realized it was Sunday morning, and immediately reached for your latest work, Celeste. Today’s article, once again, did not disappoint. It fills me with hope and resolve. Thank you for this. Keep going.
So much goodness here, so many things that need to be said. Thank you. With you in trying to build a world where care and community is seen as strength and where no one is cut off from the fullness of their humanity.
I reject the terms masculine and feminine because, within patriarchy, they could easily be swapped out for terms like "valuable" and "insignificant" and we would still know which is which. We will only have gender equality when all genders are recognized, when all people have full and autonomous rights over their personhood, the same as biological men currently enjoy. There are laws in the US that take away a biological woman's reproductive rights over her own body. We have laws taking away healthcare for trans people. We have laws criminalizing sex work, which is sex between two consenting adults (which isn't the same as sex trafficking). These laws dehumanize people, which makes it easy to treat them as less than, or other than, human. Until we recognize the humanity within each of us, with equal rights over our bodies, there can be no equality, gender or otherwise.
Yes! Yes! YES! Thank you for your article. This is EXACTLY the point I have been trying to get across. I have found a welcome response from men who honestly want to just be seen as themselves. (I'm also the person with the crayon analogy)
I *LOVE* the crayon analogy.
Thanks <3 The more colors we have the more beautiful and complex we become. We can be our true selves only when we can create with every shade and tone of our being.
Oh my gosh thank you for your service Anna! I love that analogy!
I was confused by your photo of the Icelandic Prime Minister and her wife, as there were three women and they were not identified. From an online image search, I found that the photo is from eleven years ago: Prime Minister of Iceland (left) and her wife (right) with Helle Thorning-Schmidt, Prime Minister of Denmark (middle). In case other readers were also interested, I thought I would post this information. Found here: https://gayice.is/news/latest/575-prime-minister-of-iceland-and-her-wife-on-an-official-visit-to-china
Women have far better support networks than men. Men shoulder the same or greater amounts of stress in isolation. And the outcomes? Bad. If anger is stress turned outward? Assault, domestic violence, homicide, suicide. All predominantly men.
It’s no secret.
Our president? Alpha male with an insecurity complex. It shows.
As far as the World Happiness Report: This is a Jewish prayer that's been around since the second century. Back then, it was said primarily by men. According to some scholars, it was an ancient attempt to redefine masculinity. For those of us who teach say this prayer today and for those of us who teach it, it's having an effect
These are the things that are limitless,
of which a person enjoys the fruit in this world
and the principal remains in the world to come:
Honoring ones father and mother,
engaging in deeds of living kindness,
arriving early for study morning and evening,
dealing graciously with guests,
visiting the sick
providing for the wedding couple
comforting the mourner
being devoted in prayer
and making peace among people
It's been thousands of years. But some of us men are still trying to create a world that aligns with the happiness report.
Eye opening. Fabulous insights and stats here.
I’m guessing the correlation between conservative Christianity and the gender gap is strong in the US. I’d love to see those stats amongst our states.
I wonder how the vast fluctuations between our states compares with differences in regions within other countries. A blue US President vs red looks unrecognizably different from each other today.
I really appreciate the broader message of this article, especially the critique of patriarchal masculinity and the call to center care and connection. But I want to gently push back on some oversimplified claims about Finland, as someone who immigrated here 16 years ago and is quite intimately familiar with Finnish culture at this point...
First, just factually, we do not currently have a female prime minister. We did (Sanna Marin, 2019–2023), but she moved on to work abroad, and many of us felt let down by how her political promise didn’t translate into lasting structural change. She was a disappointment to all progressives here.
Second, the “World Happiness Report” rankings are based on things like institutional trust, education, and economic stability, not actual reported emotional happiness. And here’s where it gets murky: Finland might have systems in place, but that doesn’t mean people are thriving emotionally or that those systems don'tmainly benefit straight white men the most. In fact, Finland still has some of the highest rates of domestic abuse, depression, alcoholism, and suicide in the developed world. People here aren’t happy per se, they’re just quiet. Cultural stoicism and the refusal to complain are baked into the national psyche. That’s why we regularly laugh at our happiness ranking, because "loving misery" is an extremely Finnish trait.
Yes, gender equality in Finland is better on paper than in many places—there are more women in leadership, strong parental leave policies, etc. But patriarchy hasn’t disappeared, it’s just more discreet. A lot of Finnish men still see emotional openness as weakness. Vulnerability isn’t punished through aggression the way it might be elsewhere, but it’s punished through coldness, distance, or silent withdrawal. The masculinity here is quiet, not secure... AKA it presents differently in different cultures.
This emotional isolation is also tied to deep generational trauma. Finland has been shaped by war, colonization, and economic instability. Older generations still carry trauma from Russian and Swedish oppression. Many people just want to be left alone. That’s not just patriarchy; that’s survival mode passed down through families.
And while we might have some feminist policies in place and we're generally more equal re: gender roles, we’re also dealing with the worst wealth gap ever, stagnant wages against rising cost of living, and social services being stripped bare by capitalist agendas. Equality doesn’t mean much if people can’t afford to live well or access support. In practice, that looks like more burnout, more silence, more loneliness.
So while I appreciate the intent behind linking gender equality to happiness, I think it’s really important to avoid flattening complex countries into moral success stories. Finland’s doing better than many, sure, but it is not a utopia. You can’t measure a culture’s emotional health from an outsider's perspective.
I say this with care, because I do agree that valuing “feminine-coded” traits like care and community would make the world a better place. I just want to make sure we don’t miss the reality that even “gender-equal” societies have a long way to go when it comes to actual human connection and intimacy...
Thanks so much for this insider’s take- I really appreciate it. It is all too easy to make a utopia out of a place you haven’t lived in that meets all the metrics you envy on paper. Thanks for sharing your experience.