The absolute honor of being called an unfuckable witch

“Only a woman’s own unfuckability could possibly propel her to care about her rights as a human being.”

Two weeks ago,

Ruth Whippman

published an article in the New York Times called “We Can Do Better Than Positive Masculinity.” about how the intense pressure to be masculine is harming boys.

Fox News did not care for the article. They hit back, releasing an avalanche of critique towards Whippman.

What were the critiques focused on?

“They called me a man- hating c**nt and a ballbreaker and a disgusting tw*t.  They told me that I was ugly and that I had “chipmunk teeth.” (My teeth featured prominently in their robust defense of positive masculinity.)  Many, if not most of the messages shared a common thread, which was some version of: You can’t get laid by a real man yourself, and your feminist beliefs are only a reflection of your bitterness and jealousy about this.” - Ruth Whippman

Despite being happily married with three kids, Ruth is clearly such an ugly hag that she cannot get laid. This causes her to speak about patriarchy.

The same week that Ruth released her New York Times article,

Liz Plank

released her interview with Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer. The two hopped on a popular Tiktok trend called “the Feeding a Friend challenge” to promote the interview.

Fox News interpreted this light-hearted seven second video where Gov Whitmer feeds Liz a chip as clearly a Satanic slam on the Eucharist and a public display of witchcraft.

The comments of the YouTube video where Liz interviews Gov Whitmer about reproductive rights are full of comments like this one:

source: In Defense of my Demon Allegations

Oh also. They’re ugly:

Reminds me of this response to

Gabrielle Blair

’s book Ejaculate Responsibly: A Whole New Way to Think About Abortion.

Iconic honestly.

Wait. Calling women who talk about women’s rights unfuckable witches? Where have we seen this before???

Oh yeah, literally every time women talk about women’s rights for the past *checks watch* seven centuries¹.

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Here’s a political cartoon from the early 20th century called “Suffragettes who have never been kissed.²” These poor women only want the right to vote because no one will kiss them.

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“Only a woman’s own unfuckability could possibly propel her to care about her rights as a human being.” - Ruth Whippman (Slow clap for this quote)

Oh and in addition to being unfuckable, the Suffragettes were also witches in league with Satan:

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Fox News is neither original nor modern in their choice to call Whippman and Plank ugly devil-worshippers. These two particular insults are the oldest tricks in the book³. It’s undermining powerful women 101.

Keeping the conversation on 1. their looks and 2. their spiritual worthiness serves to undermine and distract from their actual message: Whippman’s important points about how patriarchal masculinity norms harm us all and Plank’s discussion on reproductive rights.

Which is exactly why those political cartoons also tried to focus the narrative on suffragists as unfuckable witches- to distract from their actual message that women deserve a voice in society.

It’s rather shocking how little patriarchy’s play book has changed the past 700 years.

Just for funsies, lets take a quick stock of just a few of history’s powerful women:

Joan of Arc

Before she was crowned “Savior of France” for her military victories during the Hundred Years’ War against England, she was burned at the stake for being a witch.

When English leadership couldn’t beat her, they undermined her- crediting all her success to demonic worship. A young girl could never perform such wonders on her own. Must be the devil. During her trial, they cited her tremendous bravery during battle as well as her ability to outwit her examiners as proof of her unnatural abilities. A non-witch girl could never.

In the end she was convicted for her heresy, witchcraft and the “violating divine law for dressing like a man.”

The Vigils of King Charles VII. 1484. Depiction of Joan’s execution

Anne Boleyn

While witchcraft was not one of the official charges leading to her execution, a smear campaign labeling her a witch sure didn’t help.

Anne Boleyn was certainly powerful- her marriage to Henry the VIII brought about England’s split from the Catholic Church and the English Reformation. Many assumed only someone with unearthly powers could have such an effect on the King as to bring about the first royal divorce. Some thought she cast a spell on Henry to gain his favor and when it wore off he had her beheaded.

There were many rumors that Anne bore physical marks of her contract with the devil, such as a third nipple (a “witch’s teat”), moles (the “devil’s pawmark”) and a sixth finger.

Victoria Woodhull

Victoria Woodhull⁴ was the first woman to ever run for US President. She ran in 1872 and tried to run the two elections proceeding that one, but failed.

She was a leader in the women’s suffrage movement⁵. And despite having only three years of education, Victoria was the first woman to open a Wall Street Brokerage firm, along with her sister. They made millions. People called them “the Bewitching Brokers.”

She became known for her belief in “free love,” by which she meant that women should have the freedom to marry, divorce and bear children without government interference.

Here’s a political caricature of Victoria from 1872 entitled “Get Thee Behind Me Mrs. Satan.”

In this image a wife carrying three babies and a drunk husband says to a horned Woodhull: “I’d rather travel the hardest path of matrimony than follow your footsteps.”⁶

Speaking of women who dare try to lead their country, they too are deemed ugly witches.

But only every single time.

Quick montage of female presidents

When Julia Gillard became the first female Prime Minister of Australia, the campaign against her used the slogan “Ditch the Witch.”

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Here’s a flattering carnival float from Duesseldorf, Germany in 2018 depicting German Chancellor Angela Merkel as a black widow:

Twenty-four hours after Prime Minister of England Margaret Thatcher died in 2013, the 1939 song “Ding Dong the Witch is Dead” from the Wizard of Oz rose to number nine on the iTunes best-seller chart in the UK.

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And of course, Hillary.

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Hillary Clinton being depicted as the “wicked witch of the left” extends far further back than her presidential campaign in 2016. When she was the first lady, Paster John Hagee claimed that Hillary was part of a Satanic group and brought actual witchcraft into US politics, even claiming she smelled like sulfur.

In an interview with the Huffington Post, three political cartoonists spoke about how tired they are of having to come up with new ways of drawing Hillary as a witch, as this has been requested of them for 30+ years.

If someone calls you an unfuckable witch, take it for the compliment it is

As if the universe knew I would be writing this essay this week, it gifted me with episode 7 of Agatha All Along⁷ where icon Patti Lapone claims her power along with her deep love of being a witch.

Envzee on Threads

A witch is the exact opposite of society's script for women. A woman is beautiful. A witch is ugly. A woman is quiet, demure, young, mild, humble, obedient, accommodating. A witch is loud, powerful, old, independent, assertive, confident, inconvenient. 

Demonizing witches accomplishes two things: 1. it diminishes powerful women distracting from their message and 2. it scares other women away from trying to gain power.

Keeping them quiet, subservient and eager to please.

A witch’s greatest sin? She can’t be controlled.

“In the late 19th century, the suffragette Matilda Joslyn Gage asserted something revolutionary. The persecution of witches, she said, had nothing to do with fighting evil or resisting the devil. It was simply entrenched social misogyny, the goal of which was to repress the intellect of women. A witch, she said, wasn’t wicked. She didn’t fly on a broomstick naked in the dark, or consort with demons. She was, instead, likely to be a woman “of superior knowledge”. As a thought experiment, she suggested that for “witches” we should read instead “women”. Their histories, she intimated, run hand in hand.” - Madeline Miller Why Powerful Women are Cast as Witches

Witch hunts were and still are patriarchy’s attempt to control uncontrollable women.

So when someone calls you an unfuckable witch, it’s not the insult they think it is.

It just means they can’t fuck with you.

And it means they put you in league with history’s most powerful women.

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This Wednesday, Oct 30th we are having our first book club! We will be discussing The Will to Change by bell hooks. To join- become a paying subscriber:

Then head over to the bottom of this post (past the paywall) and click the link to register. Can’t wait to discuss patriarchy and masculinity with you all!

1. Way earlier actually. Circe, Eve, Lot’s wife- from our very earliest writings powerful women were cast as devil-worshippers.

2. I found dozens and dozens of these cartoons. Many were horribly racist as well as sexist.

3. Along with calling women hysterical and unintelligent.

4. Never heard of Victoria Woodhull before? That’s because history books do not include powerful women as part of history.

5. Victoria certainly wasn’t perfect. She often fought with her fellow suffragists and for a time was in favor of eugenics.

6. This comic was drawn by Thomas Nast, known as the father of the American cartoon.

7. A gift of a show in and of itself. In a world where only 7 percent of movies and shows have more female than male characters, Agatha All Along doesn’t just have a majority female cast, it has a majority female cast over the age of 40, which is basically unheard of. Plus so much queer representation. It’s a delight.