The part of me that was repeatedly told “a grateful heart is a happy heart,” when I was crying or angry after one of my siblings or I was beaten feels so very grateful to you right now, Celeste. Thank you for your loving defiance today and everyday.
This post struck a major chord with me. Just over the past few months, I've had family members telling me to be "grateful" about my current life circumstances. They basically don't want me to boost my career or explore life independently because that's outside of our cultural norms. And I would like to add, that unfortunately, a lot of people in religious authority tell their women of faith that they have it better than every other woman in the world. I used to hear this a lot growing up. When I pointed out injustices happening under the name of religion, I was told "you can't mix up culture with religion". Incidents like this have left a bad taste in my mouth.
Yes! I love your conclusion: it’s not an either/or, it’s a both/and. Let’s celebrate how far we have come AND acknowledge how far left we have to go! One is not the substitution for the other, we need both
This was such a great read, definitely will save to read a few times to fully absorb all the points that you've so beautifully articulated. As an Iranian woman, I loved the comment about "our horrible living conditions should not be the reason for others to want less!"
I feel this as a disabled person. I am acutely aware of how my disabilities are in some ways less limiting than other friends' disabilities but at the same time also deeply limiting of my ability to contribute to capitalism (our society's marker of worth). My awareness of both of those things feeds into my internalized ableism and sense that I "should" be grateful for what I'm able to do, and also simultaneously "should" be able to do more. But that energy could be going towards working towards a more accessible world for all of our bodily limitations. The insistence on gratitude really can be a detractor from the work of evening out the inequalities, and it feels like the people who benefit from the inequalities (whether knowingly or not) sometimes ask for gratitude from us to keep those of us experiencing the inequalities from asking that they change.
Yes- brilliant. You have captured a complex idea very concisely and laid it all out beautifully.
One tiny note for future reference: It is Reform Judaism, not "Reformed". Women can be ordained Rabbis in the Reform movement. Judaism's Conservative movement also ordains women. Here is a link to a short article if anyone is interested in more information about the history of ordination of women in the major strands of Judaism: https://www.myjewishlearning.com/article/women-rabbis-a-history-of-the-struggle-for-ordination/
So many great points. I write (and live) primarily in the grief space and it is astonishing how quickly people want you to move from sadness to gratitude. It’s basically immediately. My husband died at 43, and we had been together with him alive for less than four years. People started telling me to be grateful I had at least had true love within the week.
you really opened my eyes with this one and that comment from the iranian man, wow. I've sometimes struggled with fighting for rights when others have it so much worse but you're right, we should not be making do, we should continue the fight until we get our comfortable seat at the table. brilliant piece!
So powerfully written. I will need to come back and study this. I had not heard of the lady who was jailed for 6 years, horrific. I hope she will somehow be able to read of your beautiful support.
Love the conversation, thanks for putting this out there. One of the things that this article got me thinking is connecting it to the work from Daniel Kahneman on prospect theory. There is a higher weight we attribute from going from 100% to 95% than from 95% to 85%, and even less between 85% and 35%. So for men it is seen as a great value to go from doing nothing to heating a plate in the microwave, partners should be “grateful.” Similarly women might consider this simple act as worth praise and gratitude. The hard work is to go to the unseen equality of 50/50 where neither sees it as praise worthy nor hard. It is the erasure of the line, where I say, “chores have no gender and are tasks to be done.” We stop praising children for wiping their own butts and feeling grateful that we don’t do it anymore.
When equity is complete, praise and gratitude are forgone conclusions.
Brilliant thank you. I hadn't picked up on this weaponisation of gratitude. I had noticed some thing similar in spirituality around humility and surrender for women but it's the same stuff.. Much appreciated.
Thank you so much for this article! I’ve been thinking a lot lately how I see so many of my friends not stand up for themselves or fight for more equity in their marriage because they don’t want to nag, be a bad wife, be ungrateful, etc. You are able to word things in such a concise and illuminating way! Thank you!
The part of me that was repeatedly told “a grateful heart is a happy heart,” when I was crying or angry after one of my siblings or I was beaten feels so very grateful to you right now, Celeste. Thank you for your loving defiance today and everyday.
😭💔 I’m so sorry you had to experience that Grace
This post struck a major chord with me. Just over the past few months, I've had family members telling me to be "grateful" about my current life circumstances. They basically don't want me to boost my career or explore life independently because that's outside of our cultural norms. And I would like to add, that unfortunately, a lot of people in religious authority tell their women of faith that they have it better than every other woman in the world. I used to hear this a lot growing up. When I pointed out injustices happening under the name of religion, I was told "you can't mix up culture with religion". Incidents like this have left a bad taste in my mouth.
Re religions -- totally!
Yes! I love your conclusion: it’s not an either/or, it’s a both/and. Let’s celebrate how far we have come AND acknowledge how far left we have to go! One is not the substitution for the other, we need both
This was such a great read, definitely will save to read a few times to fully absorb all the points that you've so beautifully articulated. As an Iranian woman, I loved the comment about "our horrible living conditions should not be the reason for others to want less!"
I feel this as a disabled person. I am acutely aware of how my disabilities are in some ways less limiting than other friends' disabilities but at the same time also deeply limiting of my ability to contribute to capitalism (our society's marker of worth). My awareness of both of those things feeds into my internalized ableism and sense that I "should" be grateful for what I'm able to do, and also simultaneously "should" be able to do more. But that energy could be going towards working towards a more accessible world for all of our bodily limitations. The insistence on gratitude really can be a detractor from the work of evening out the inequalities, and it feels like the people who benefit from the inequalities (whether knowingly or not) sometimes ask for gratitude from us to keep those of us experiencing the inequalities from asking that they change.
Oh I can totally see how weaponized gratitude plays into ableism- thanks for sharing Kelly ❤️❤️
Yes, this, 100%
Yes- brilliant. You have captured a complex idea very concisely and laid it all out beautifully.
One tiny note for future reference: It is Reform Judaism, not "Reformed". Women can be ordained Rabbis in the Reform movement. Judaism's Conservative movement also ordains women. Here is a link to a short article if anyone is interested in more information about the history of ordination of women in the major strands of Judaism: https://www.myjewishlearning.com/article/women-rabbis-a-history-of-the-struggle-for-ordination/
Do you live in my house? Hahah every article you write I'm shocked at the insight into things that happen around me every day
Every time I read your writing I feel a little less crazy, and a little more seen.
🥰🥰🥰
So many great points. I write (and live) primarily in the grief space and it is astonishing how quickly people want you to move from sadness to gratitude. It’s basically immediately. My husband died at 43, and we had been together with him alive for less than four years. People started telling me to be grateful I had at least had true love within the week.
You were giving them "feelings" that they didn't want to experience so they try to "fix" you with gratitude. So sorry for your loss.🙏
That's some toxic positivity right there. Sorry for your loss.
you really opened my eyes with this one and that comment from the iranian man, wow. I've sometimes struggled with fighting for rights when others have it so much worse but you're right, we should not be making do, we should continue the fight until we get our comfortable seat at the table. brilliant piece!
So powerfully written. I will need to come back and study this. I had not heard of the lady who was jailed for 6 years, horrific. I hope she will somehow be able to read of your beautiful support.
Love the conversation, thanks for putting this out there. One of the things that this article got me thinking is connecting it to the work from Daniel Kahneman on prospect theory. There is a higher weight we attribute from going from 100% to 95% than from 95% to 85%, and even less between 85% and 35%. So for men it is seen as a great value to go from doing nothing to heating a plate in the microwave, partners should be “grateful.” Similarly women might consider this simple act as worth praise and gratitude. The hard work is to go to the unseen equality of 50/50 where neither sees it as praise worthy nor hard. It is the erasure of the line, where I say, “chores have no gender and are tasks to be done.” We stop praising children for wiping their own butts and feeling grateful that we don’t do it anymore.
When equity is complete, praise and gratitude are forgone conclusions.
Brilliant thank you. I hadn't picked up on this weaponisation of gratitude. I had noticed some thing similar in spirituality around humility and surrender for women but it's the same stuff.. Much appreciated.
Thank you so much for this article! I’ve been thinking a lot lately how I see so many of my friends not stand up for themselves or fight for more equity in their marriage because they don’t want to nag, be a bad wife, be ungrateful, etc. You are able to word things in such a concise and illuminating way! Thank you!
Thank you for laying this all out so clearly and thoughtfully. An excellent read.
BRAVO! Great piece, Celeste.