Hi could you create an event for everyone you know that adequately pays homage to your deceased loved one's existence on the worst week of your life please and thank you!
I don't remember where I heard about this, but I read once that there's a thing they can do with your body when you die where you can basically become a tree. I love that idea so much. Can you imagine going to a beautiful forest and every tree is a person? ❤️❤️❤️
My parents for the last 10 ish years have been in the period of their lives where their parents are dying. They are both oldest children and have had to do a lot of work to plan funerals. Because of how stressful and difficult it was, they already have their own funerals planned and paid for. Which I appreciate. But I really love the idea of more community support around death. Especially extending beyond the funeral.
OMG I tell everyone I’m coming back as a pine tree in my next life so a tree seed burial is my dream. And wow that’s actually really thoughtful of your parents to plan and pay for their own funeral - that’s pretty rare.
Glennon Doyle had a ‘death doula’ on her podcast awhile ago and I’m fascinated with them now. They help people plan their death/funeral/arrangements in order to make the process better for both them and their loved ones once it happens. Obviously it doesn’t help the already high costs of the customs of dying, but it helps with the emotional labor and provides support to both the person dying and their family.
Oh that's so cool! I've heard the term "death doula" before but assumed it was for the person dying not their family after death. So glad that job exists- sooooo needed! Thanks for the info Regan <3
We lost our 27 year old son to cancer in December of 2022. I knew I didn’t want a church funeral (for oh so many reasons!) So we had a lot to figure out. This is such a beautiful piece. I wish I had read it before Trevor died. Even doing things differently (outside of the cultural norms) brought up many complicated feelings. We ended up having him cremated and put together a lovely digital memorial that we presented on online one month later. And the digital files are available on his Facebook memorial page. Was it sad not to have family and friends gather from around the country? Yes. That was very difficult. But in the end, we did what we needed to do for ourselves and our grief. 💔
Trevor. <3. So sorry you lost Trevor at such a young age Cathy. I can't imagine having to defy cultural norms (esp ones as strong as church and death) at such a tender time. I'm glad you did what you needed to for you and your family <3
Losing a loved one is hard enough without the stress of the funeral/burial. I like the Jewish tradition that removes the stress from those mourning the loss. What a great example of a community coming together to support each other, not matter the situation.
There are few things that have always perplexed me about western burial traditions (I'm sure some of these come from western Christian orthodoxy). One is how we embalm the bodies so they won't decompose, and then just to be sure, we bury them in a box so that the body won't make any contact with the surrounding soil, further ensuring that the body will remain intact. We should do away with these practices and allow bodies to return to the earth from whence they came. It's also strange to me that we bury bodies laying flat, which is a completely inefficient use of space. If we buried people standing up, we could get a lot more bodies in a cemetery. Using current practices, we are going to run out of burial space. Paris ran into this problem in the late 1700s when expanding and led to the creation of the Catacombs (wicked cool place to visit). Lastly, open casket funerals/viewings are just strange to me. Every one I've been to I have the same experience, I look at the body of the deceased and say to myself, "yep, they look dead." No amount of cosmetic work on the body is going to fix that.
I really like what companies like Recompose are doing. They will take your body, compost it, and return bags of compost made from your body. That's what I want done to my body. I'd like to think my body can still provide some benefit to the planet after I'm dead. To quote Ed Abbey, "I want my body to help fertilize the growth of a cactus or cliff rose or sagebrush or tree." I couldn't agree more. Ed also requested for his funeral, "No formal speeches desired, though the deceased will not interfere if someone feels the urge. But keep it all simple and brief...lots of singing, dancing, talking, hollering, laughing, and lovemaking." That's what I want.
Yess!!! Could not agree more with all of your points here Steve! It’s like we came together and asked ourselves how to do burial in the least effective, most expensive worst possible environmental impact way possible. So so strange. Embalming is just the weirdest tradition. I’m all for being composted! I want to come back as a pine tree in the next life anyway 🙃
Yes, this whole thing needs to change. I personally want to feed mushrooms and bacteria and become part of the forest when I die. Not become some desiccated thing in a box.
Funerals intensify my pain so I find attending them challenging. It probably looks disrespectful when I don’t show. But when my grandmother died I spent my time reading her memoirs, which was brilliant (and I totally should have done that while she was alive! So many questions!)
A natural burial with stories and support would be beautiful. Oh, and those little funeral sandwiches and squares. Like that white bread no crust one that’s cream cheese and maraschino cherries, and the little naniamo squares. Food, nature, and community. Is there more to want in life or death?
My wife died of Alzheimer’s in 2018. She didn’t want to be cremated, but she was OK with a natural burial. There is a plot in Joshua Tree, about 2 1/2 hours from Long Beach in the desert, where you can bury someone in a shroud. That’s what we did. No casket, nothing on the grave site except rocks and wood,etc. The gravesite lowering of the body was a very small affair. But then we had a celebration of life at the local Unitarian church. One of the memorable things we did was to have a New Orleans type Line dance that wound its way through the church at the end. there were movements in the dance that symbolized the passage down into the Earth as well as the movement above into the spaciousness. we were involved with the local Zydeco/Cajun community.
Oh my gosh! That would be my dream funeral- natural burial combined with a celebration of life (that's truly a celebration!) Thanks so much for this example of doing things differently in our culture Jerry! I love it!
The timing of this...This week was my mother's birthday as well as the anniversary of her passing. This isn't a thought on death, but mourning. I recently learned about some of the Hindu rituals done when someone dies. My favorite is the family makes the favorite food of the deceased and gives it to the poor/homeless. So this year to commemorate my mom I am making her favorite food :) Not sharing it bc logistics, but maybe next year lol
Oh my gosh! What a beautiful tradition Clarissa!! I love it! Thanks for sharing <3 So sorry for the loss of your mother- one year is a major milestone.
I just recently discovered your Substack Celeste, and this conversation really resonates. One of my favorite book series is called The Wayfarers by Becky Chambers, and one of the storylines in the book called A Closed and Common Orbit is about a person who works with the dead bodies on a generation ship in space. It was a fascinating and beautiful look at a completely different set of death rituals. Each of the books in the series stands alone, so A Closed and Common Orbit could be read without reading the other books.
I am a recent follower and have been making my way through your backlog. I am a widow who writes about grief and lot (it’s more or less the point of my Substack).
My husband has been dead for five and a half years. I’m not “over it.” And won’t ever be. Planning his funeral was not actually the worst - it gave me something to do other than be mad with grief and I had lots of help.
But the mourning tradition I wouldn’t mind seeing - wearing mourning. That way people would know you were grieving, instead of expecting you to be normal. You’ll never be normal again.
I LOVE everywhen. I have never heard this but you can bet I will use it. Cultural appropriation here I come.
I don't remember where I heard about this, but I read once that there's a thing they can do with your body when you die where you can basically become a tree. I love that idea so much. Can you imagine going to a beautiful forest and every tree is a person? ❤️❤️❤️
My parents for the last 10 ish years have been in the period of their lives where their parents are dying. They are both oldest children and have had to do a lot of work to plan funerals. Because of how stressful and difficult it was, they already have their own funerals planned and paid for. Which I appreciate. But I really love the idea of more community support around death. Especially extending beyond the funeral.
OMG I tell everyone I’m coming back as a pine tree in my next life so a tree seed burial is my dream. And wow that’s actually really thoughtful of your parents to plan and pay for their own funeral - that’s pretty rare.
Glennon Doyle had a ‘death doula’ on her podcast awhile ago and I’m fascinated with them now. They help people plan their death/funeral/arrangements in order to make the process better for both them and their loved ones once it happens. Obviously it doesn’t help the already high costs of the customs of dying, but it helps with the emotional labor and provides support to both the person dying and their family.
Oh that's so cool! I've heard the term "death doula" before but assumed it was for the person dying not their family after death. So glad that job exists- sooooo needed! Thanks for the info Regan <3
We lost our 27 year old son to cancer in December of 2022. I knew I didn’t want a church funeral (for oh so many reasons!) So we had a lot to figure out. This is such a beautiful piece. I wish I had read it before Trevor died. Even doing things differently (outside of the cultural norms) brought up many complicated feelings. We ended up having him cremated and put together a lovely digital memorial that we presented on online one month later. And the digital files are available on his Facebook memorial page. Was it sad not to have family and friends gather from around the country? Yes. That was very difficult. But in the end, we did what we needed to do for ourselves and our grief. 💔
Trevor. <3. So sorry you lost Trevor at such a young age Cathy. I can't imagine having to defy cultural norms (esp ones as strong as church and death) at such a tender time. I'm glad you did what you needed to for you and your family <3
Losing a loved one is hard enough without the stress of the funeral/burial. I like the Jewish tradition that removes the stress from those mourning the loss. What a great example of a community coming together to support each other, not matter the situation.
There are few things that have always perplexed me about western burial traditions (I'm sure some of these come from western Christian orthodoxy). One is how we embalm the bodies so they won't decompose, and then just to be sure, we bury them in a box so that the body won't make any contact with the surrounding soil, further ensuring that the body will remain intact. We should do away with these practices and allow bodies to return to the earth from whence they came. It's also strange to me that we bury bodies laying flat, which is a completely inefficient use of space. If we buried people standing up, we could get a lot more bodies in a cemetery. Using current practices, we are going to run out of burial space. Paris ran into this problem in the late 1700s when expanding and led to the creation of the Catacombs (wicked cool place to visit). Lastly, open casket funerals/viewings are just strange to me. Every one I've been to I have the same experience, I look at the body of the deceased and say to myself, "yep, they look dead." No amount of cosmetic work on the body is going to fix that.
I really like what companies like Recompose are doing. They will take your body, compost it, and return bags of compost made from your body. That's what I want done to my body. I'd like to think my body can still provide some benefit to the planet after I'm dead. To quote Ed Abbey, "I want my body to help fertilize the growth of a cactus or cliff rose or sagebrush or tree." I couldn't agree more. Ed also requested for his funeral, "No formal speeches desired, though the deceased will not interfere if someone feels the urge. But keep it all simple and brief...lots of singing, dancing, talking, hollering, laughing, and lovemaking." That's what I want.
Yess!!! Could not agree more with all of your points here Steve! It’s like we came together and asked ourselves how to do burial in the least effective, most expensive worst possible environmental impact way possible. So so strange. Embalming is just the weirdest tradition. I’m all for being composted! I want to come back as a pine tree in the next life anyway 🙃
Everywhen 🥹
Right?!
Yes, this whole thing needs to change. I personally want to feed mushrooms and bacteria and become part of the forest when I die. Not become some desiccated thing in a box.
Funerals intensify my pain so I find attending them challenging. It probably looks disrespectful when I don’t show. But when my grandmother died I spent my time reading her memoirs, which was brilliant (and I totally should have done that while she was alive! So many questions!)
A natural burial with stories and support would be beautiful. Oh, and those little funeral sandwiches and squares. Like that white bread no crust one that’s cream cheese and maraschino cherries, and the little naniamo squares. Food, nature, and community. Is there more to want in life or death?
Beautifully said
My wife died of Alzheimer’s in 2018. She didn’t want to be cremated, but she was OK with a natural burial. There is a plot in Joshua Tree, about 2 1/2 hours from Long Beach in the desert, where you can bury someone in a shroud. That’s what we did. No casket, nothing on the grave site except rocks and wood,etc. The gravesite lowering of the body was a very small affair. But then we had a celebration of life at the local Unitarian church. One of the memorable things we did was to have a New Orleans type Line dance that wound its way through the church at the end. there were movements in the dance that symbolized the passage down into the Earth as well as the movement above into the spaciousness. we were involved with the local Zydeco/Cajun community.
Oh my gosh! That would be my dream funeral- natural burial combined with a celebration of life (that's truly a celebration!) Thanks so much for this example of doing things differently in our culture Jerry! I love it!
The name of the line dance is “Second Line.”
The timing of this...This week was my mother's birthday as well as the anniversary of her passing. This isn't a thought on death, but mourning. I recently learned about some of the Hindu rituals done when someone dies. My favorite is the family makes the favorite food of the deceased and gives it to the poor/homeless. So this year to commemorate my mom I am making her favorite food :) Not sharing it bc logistics, but maybe next year lol
Oh my gosh! What a beautiful tradition Clarissa!! I love it! Thanks for sharing <3 So sorry for the loss of your mother- one year is a major milestone.
I just recently discovered your Substack Celeste, and this conversation really resonates. One of my favorite book series is called The Wayfarers by Becky Chambers, and one of the storylines in the book called A Closed and Common Orbit is about a person who works with the dead bodies on a generation ship in space. It was a fascinating and beautiful look at a completely different set of death rituals. Each of the books in the series stands alone, so A Closed and Common Orbit could be read without reading the other books.
I am a recent follower and have been making my way through your backlog. I am a widow who writes about grief and lot (it’s more or less the point of my Substack).
My husband has been dead for five and a half years. I’m not “over it.” And won’t ever be. Planning his funeral was not actually the worst - it gave me something to do other than be mad with grief and I had lots of help.
But the mourning tradition I wouldn’t mind seeing - wearing mourning. That way people would know you were grieving, instead of expecting you to be normal. You’ll never be normal again.
I LOVE everywhen. I have never heard this but you can bet I will use it. Cultural appropriation here I come.