I believe Luke 18 is the perfect illustration of this point. Jesus offers two stories, back to back--one about a woman, and one about a man. They are both about prayer--how we should approach God. The woman is praised for her tenacity, audacity, persistence, and desire for justice. She says, "Lord, grant me justice against my adversary." Jesus says that God is looking for this kind of faith. The man, in contrast, is praised for humility and denial of self, saying "Lord have mercy on me, a sinner."
These stories are presented equally in the gospel narrative, but the church repeatedly teaches the story about the man, and builds a whole spiritual practice around it, while ignoring the story about the woman. We are told to wake up every day and say, "Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner." But what if women were told to wake up every day and say "Jesus Christ, Son of God, give me justice, give me victory over my opressors"?
At the end of that section of Luke 18, comes this: v14 "For all those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted." - I think I've only read this in terms of a final post death judgment, instead of a coming of God's Kingdom in the here and now. Of course, due to patriarchy, us men mostly need to humble ourselves and women mostly need to be exalted.
Just as the coming of God's Kingdom, will also break the curse of Genesis 3 v16 "Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you".
The church, also largely infected with patriarchy, has taught the congregation, men and women, to humble themselves and the leaders (men) have been exalted. This teaching needs rebalancing, as you say.
Oh wow! This piece really packed a punch. It’s one of those life-changing ah-hah moments. I won’t look at the world the same way ever again. Your article about patriarchy in the bedroom had the same effect. Thank you for being so militant about a woman’s place. We’re told we need to seize our power but nobody ever tells you what to seize. You just did that. Thank you.
Celeste, thank you. That was simple, but clear. It rings loud!
I was an evangelical for most of my life. I raised 5 children, home schooled them and sacrificed all of myself for the family I created. Interestingly, I created that family trying to create what I missed as a child in my family of origin. In some ways I did that as I have excellent relationships with all of them as adults, but at a HUGE cost to myself. I’ve been trying to dig out of that hole for 20 years. One decade was the dark night of the soul where I questioned and wrestled with what I’d been taught about God, spirituality, how it all works. The next decade I’ve been recreating myself, finding my spiritual path and learning how to stand in my divine power. This has put a heavy strain on my marriage.
We are trained as women to be prey, to be kind, to be submissive, to doubt ourselves. In all my spiritual learning, I have struggled with that dissolving of the ego. It felt wrong because we need our ego. My Selfhood was missing. I needed to develop a Self. A divine authentic Self. It’s a lifelong journey. Thanks for naming all that with Liz.
I see men trying to give all their ego away, at the cost of themselves. I see my husband suffering from the shame of feeling depleted after giving everything. I see myself trying to bake myself brownies, and still feeling empty.
You mentioned the concept being overly simplistic, so I'm not being critical of this as an initial concept. And where you recoil at divided gender norms is where this needs more fleshing out: the next step is that ALL beings have need to cultivate BOTH divine feminine and masculine traits.
I finally learned to listen to myself and start a very challenging graduate program. The joy I feel in it is that I am receiving the skills I need to be my highest self, enabling me to make the best contribution to the world around me. The degraded feminine in me followed the prescriptive path I was given to do the most good. It got me nowhere. The blended connection I feel to both the divine feminine and masculine has rewritten how I navigate in both the yin and the yang.
Equally with my husband-- his prescribed way of giving up his ego has caused him pain.
May we all cultivate and trust our own deepest voice that guides us to actualizing our most balanced and divine selves.
Yes, I agree soo soo much! I had the shapeless idea that the spirituality I practiced did not match what I needed fully, and probably other women as well, for quite a while. Thanks for putting it in much better words than I ever could and adding many interesting aspects to it!
Another idea I have that I cannot explain but feel is true: If women had been able to create their own religion, meditation would not equal sitting quietly and trying to dissolve the ego. It would mean involving the body, moving, dancing perhaps, in other words: Taking space.
Your point on meditation is so spot on. Traditional quiet the mind, dissolve the self meditation does NOT work for me at all, but moving meditations do. I always wondered why, if there was something wrong with me that I couldn't meditate the "normal" way.
I work full time in mental health, but every relief society lesson I was being told “do more.” How come my 40+ hours a week of service do not count?? Oh, is it because it’s paid? Is it because I worked for specialized training? Is it because it’s not to sustain the organizational machine?? I have a sneaky suspicion, the answer is yes to all of the above. “Do more, be less.” No thank you.
Thank you so much for this post, which articulates and clarifies some things I've been wrestling with in my own relationship as I recently became a mother.... I realise I struggle to identify my needs, to name and embrace my desires, I find myself fawning or folding in front of my partners point of views or needs. I struggle to reconciliate letting go of my ego (spiritual work as it was presented to me) and advocating for my needs in my life.... I realise that everytime I "give up" advocating for myself i chalk it up to "not letting my ego win over" but then i cannot control the resentment so clearly I'm not holding space for my authenticity
this is really thought provoking and I wonder what spiritual works or exercise or tools I could use to build my ego...
Just as good the second time! ✨ my takeaway today is different however. Last time I read this, it was NEWS...I sat with it and it really shocked me to my core. LIKE, OH OF COURSE. This time, however, I'm ready to make this news actionable. I'm ready to actually enforce that I need help around the house. Prioritize my daily gym time and walk. Go to the spiritual gym by reading things that build me up. Here for it. Thanks again. :)
I had no idea when I began reading this that it would explain why couples counseling was a 90% failure for me despite my diligent efforts. Yup, our counselor was a man and, yup, he was all about the Gottmans and, yup, he always made me feel I was never giving enough. To be fair, spouse didn't put in any work but until today I've felt a little confused about why some of the counselor's stuff just landed wrong. Anyway, I give 10% success for learning the 5:1 ratio which has greatly benefitted me in other relationships and I'm grateful for that.
This is my favorite article of yours; I keep coming back to read it again and again.
I want this feminine divine spirituality so badly, but the more I look, everything seems to be masculine divine. Even New Age, occult, and revived Polytheist traditions skew this way; astrology and Tarot too. So disappointing. 😞
Has anyone found a truly feminine divine spirituality? Or is this something each woman must make for herself? I long for it with deep soul yearning.
You may want to check out Sue Monk Kidd’s The Dance of the Dissident Daughter (and sort of sequel) Traveling with Pomegranates.
Also, The Thunder Perfect Mind is ancient text from the Nag Hamadi library that is from the point of view of divine feminine figure (scholars still argue over what it is precisely). But I’ve found it very profound.
Great points. If people would just start seeing the Jesus story as a good self sacrifice example specifically for men, the world would be radically changed for the better. We do 't even need the "be saved so you can have the afterlife you want" thing because ..when you die, it's over. Jagged pill, but that realization imbues life with a sense of urgency to follow one's calling diligently.
All we have is here and now. We can make it count. For women, making it count means we do the painful work of forcing oneself to say no over and over until it becomes easy, fighting off the wolf pack of guilt the whole time.
For years, I’ve been teaching women how to reconnect with themselves, free from the confines of religious doctrine. We’ve been inundated since birth with patriarchal teachings that instill unworthiness and shame—messages designed to keep us small. It’s time to dismantle these narratives and return to the truth: that we are strong, powerful, and inherently whole.
This knowing is in our very DNA, passed down through generations of women who endured unimaginable hardships with courage and resilience. But religion has long sought to silence this power, shrinking us with stories of original sin and guilt, labeling us as less-than, and blaming us for the world’s problems. These ideas have been perpetuated for centuries, and as more women awaken to their strength and step away from these systems, the backlash is fierce—new rules, laws, and interpretations of texts written by men for men, all designed to suppress us.
But the tide is turning. Women are reclaiming their power, finding their voice, and silencing the fear that has controlled us for too long—fear of judgment, of failing, of simply saying “no.” We carry the strength of the women who came before us, and we are no longer cowering when men tell us we’re unworthy or incapable.
This has to stop. And for many of us, it already has. It’s not an easy path, but it’s necessary. It’s time to come back to ourselves and to the unshakable power within.
Thank you so much for helping me understand what I call the curse of being a woman! Yes, we need to give our selves permission to do so many things for our selves! Years of rebelling towards all the masculine crap, I hope to find my balance!
You sure have my permission to say yes to paying for child care so I could write poetry! (Not that you need it!)
Very interesting! I do a LOT of Gottman work, so I will keep this in mind.
For whatever reason, my client population includes a significant number of gay, lesbian, and transgender couples who don’t always fit the gender norms of our culture. Also international couples who may not have the same Western values as we do. And a lot of my female clients are successful tech executives who really don’t have a problem saying no and cutting boundaries as much as their husbands do.
Bottom line for me is that it really depends on the couple in front of you, but I’m going to pay more attention to what you’ve indicated here. Very important to provide the right skills to the right people.
I'm so happy I found this. I've had the same thought, that these masculine divine tools were for men and women needed different ones that build us up, for years now. To read that others have come to the same conclusion, independently of each other, is so validating!!
How wonderful - I was just writing about this this morning. I'm Jewish, and although I'm secular, I can't stop reading about the different practices for (Orthodox) men and women. Everyone knows the men's practices- the visible ones such as studying Torah and group prayer for example. But since the rabbis are the only ones writing, historically, Jewish practice seems to prioritize these men's activities. It turns out that the women's practices are also extensive, but mostly invisible to outsiders. It's doesn't have the same breakdown as you've identified here, but then Judaism is a unique tradition, existing both within and outside the West.
I believe Luke 18 is the perfect illustration of this point. Jesus offers two stories, back to back--one about a woman, and one about a man. They are both about prayer--how we should approach God. The woman is praised for her tenacity, audacity, persistence, and desire for justice. She says, "Lord, grant me justice against my adversary." Jesus says that God is looking for this kind of faith. The man, in contrast, is praised for humility and denial of self, saying "Lord have mercy on me, a sinner."
These stories are presented equally in the gospel narrative, but the church repeatedly teaches the story about the man, and builds a whole spiritual practice around it, while ignoring the story about the woman. We are told to wake up every day and say, "Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner." But what if women were told to wake up every day and say "Jesus Christ, Son of God, give me justice, give me victory over my opressors"?
Oh wow! Excellent pull!! Thanks so much for sharing it - it’s perfect
At the end of that section of Luke 18, comes this: v14 "For all those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted." - I think I've only read this in terms of a final post death judgment, instead of a coming of God's Kingdom in the here and now. Of course, due to patriarchy, us men mostly need to humble ourselves and women mostly need to be exalted.
Just as the coming of God's Kingdom, will also break the curse of Genesis 3 v16 "Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you".
The church, also largely infected with patriarchy, has taught the congregation, men and women, to humble themselves and the leaders (men) have been exalted. This teaching needs rebalancing, as you say.
Oh wow! This piece really packed a punch. It’s one of those life-changing ah-hah moments. I won’t look at the world the same way ever again. Your article about patriarchy in the bedroom had the same effect. Thank you for being so militant about a woman’s place. We’re told we need to seize our power but nobody ever tells you what to seize. You just did that. Thank you.
haha my thoughts exactly! SO GOOD!
Celeste, thank you. That was simple, but clear. It rings loud!
I was an evangelical for most of my life. I raised 5 children, home schooled them and sacrificed all of myself for the family I created. Interestingly, I created that family trying to create what I missed as a child in my family of origin. In some ways I did that as I have excellent relationships with all of them as adults, but at a HUGE cost to myself. I’ve been trying to dig out of that hole for 20 years. One decade was the dark night of the soul where I questioned and wrestled with what I’d been taught about God, spirituality, how it all works. The next decade I’ve been recreating myself, finding my spiritual path and learning how to stand in my divine power. This has put a heavy strain on my marriage.
We are trained as women to be prey, to be kind, to be submissive, to doubt ourselves. In all my spiritual learning, I have struggled with that dissolving of the ego. It felt wrong because we need our ego. My Selfhood was missing. I needed to develop a Self. A divine authentic Self. It’s a lifelong journey. Thanks for naming all that with Liz.
Yes, and.
I see men trying to give all their ego away, at the cost of themselves. I see my husband suffering from the shame of feeling depleted after giving everything. I see myself trying to bake myself brownies, and still feeling empty.
You mentioned the concept being overly simplistic, so I'm not being critical of this as an initial concept. And where you recoil at divided gender norms is where this needs more fleshing out: the next step is that ALL beings have need to cultivate BOTH divine feminine and masculine traits.
I finally learned to listen to myself and start a very challenging graduate program. The joy I feel in it is that I am receiving the skills I need to be my highest self, enabling me to make the best contribution to the world around me. The degraded feminine in me followed the prescriptive path I was given to do the most good. It got me nowhere. The blended connection I feel to both the divine feminine and masculine has rewritten how I navigate in both the yin and the yang.
Equally with my husband-- his prescribed way of giving up his ego has caused him pain.
May we all cultivate and trust our own deepest voice that guides us to actualizing our most balanced and divine selves.
Yes, I agree soo soo much! I had the shapeless idea that the spirituality I practiced did not match what I needed fully, and probably other women as well, for quite a while. Thanks for putting it in much better words than I ever could and adding many interesting aspects to it!
Another idea I have that I cannot explain but feel is true: If women had been able to create their own religion, meditation would not equal sitting quietly and trying to dissolve the ego. It would mean involving the body, moving, dancing perhaps, in other words: Taking space.
!!!
Your point on meditation is so spot on. Traditional quiet the mind, dissolve the self meditation does NOT work for me at all, but moving meditations do. I always wondered why, if there was something wrong with me that I couldn't meditate the "normal" way.
Thanks for pointing this out!
I work full time in mental health, but every relief society lesson I was being told “do more.” How come my 40+ hours a week of service do not count?? Oh, is it because it’s paid? Is it because I worked for specialized training? Is it because it’s not to sustain the organizational machine?? I have a sneaky suspicion, the answer is yes to all of the above. “Do more, be less.” No thank you.
Thank you so much for this post, which articulates and clarifies some things I've been wrestling with in my own relationship as I recently became a mother.... I realise I struggle to identify my needs, to name and embrace my desires, I find myself fawning or folding in front of my partners point of views or needs. I struggle to reconciliate letting go of my ego (spiritual work as it was presented to me) and advocating for my needs in my life.... I realise that everytime I "give up" advocating for myself i chalk it up to "not letting my ego win over" but then i cannot control the resentment so clearly I'm not holding space for my authenticity
this is really thought provoking and I wonder what spiritual works or exercise or tools I could use to build my ego...
Spiritual exercise: ask yourself what you really want and then honor that ❤️❤️❤️. Repeat everyday.
Just as good the second time! ✨ my takeaway today is different however. Last time I read this, it was NEWS...I sat with it and it really shocked me to my core. LIKE, OH OF COURSE. This time, however, I'm ready to make this news actionable. I'm ready to actually enforce that I need help around the house. Prioritize my daily gym time and walk. Go to the spiritual gym by reading things that build me up. Here for it. Thanks again. :)
Oh and I ordered supreme pizza for myself tonight 🥰
I had no idea when I began reading this that it would explain why couples counseling was a 90% failure for me despite my diligent efforts. Yup, our counselor was a man and, yup, he was all about the Gottmans and, yup, he always made me feel I was never giving enough. To be fair, spouse didn't put in any work but until today I've felt a little confused about why some of the counselor's stuff just landed wrong. Anyway, I give 10% success for learning the 5:1 ratio which has greatly benefitted me in other relationships and I'm grateful for that.
This is my favorite article of yours; I keep coming back to read it again and again.
I want this feminine divine spirituality so badly, but the more I look, everything seems to be masculine divine. Even New Age, occult, and revived Polytheist traditions skew this way; astrology and Tarot too. So disappointing. 😞
Has anyone found a truly feminine divine spirituality? Or is this something each woman must make for herself? I long for it with deep soul yearning.
You may want to check out Sue Monk Kidd’s The Dance of the Dissident Daughter (and sort of sequel) Traveling with Pomegranates.
Also, The Thunder Perfect Mind is ancient text from the Nag Hamadi library that is from the point of view of divine feminine figure (scholars still argue over what it is precisely). But I’ve found it very profound.
Thanks for these suggestions! I'll be sure to check them out.
I know this is an older thread, but I needed to second Sue Monk Kidd! 'Dance of the Dissident Daughter' was life changing for me. <3
I third this!
Great points. If people would just start seeing the Jesus story as a good self sacrifice example specifically for men, the world would be radically changed for the better. We do 't even need the "be saved so you can have the afterlife you want" thing because ..when you die, it's over. Jagged pill, but that realization imbues life with a sense of urgency to follow one's calling diligently.
All we have is here and now. We can make it count. For women, making it count means we do the painful work of forcing oneself to say no over and over until it becomes easy, fighting off the wolf pack of guilt the whole time.
For years, I’ve been teaching women how to reconnect with themselves, free from the confines of religious doctrine. We’ve been inundated since birth with patriarchal teachings that instill unworthiness and shame—messages designed to keep us small. It’s time to dismantle these narratives and return to the truth: that we are strong, powerful, and inherently whole.
This knowing is in our very DNA, passed down through generations of women who endured unimaginable hardships with courage and resilience. But religion has long sought to silence this power, shrinking us with stories of original sin and guilt, labeling us as less-than, and blaming us for the world’s problems. These ideas have been perpetuated for centuries, and as more women awaken to their strength and step away from these systems, the backlash is fierce—new rules, laws, and interpretations of texts written by men for men, all designed to suppress us.
But the tide is turning. Women are reclaiming their power, finding their voice, and silencing the fear that has controlled us for too long—fear of judgment, of failing, of simply saying “no.” We carry the strength of the women who came before us, and we are no longer cowering when men tell us we’re unworthy or incapable.
This has to stop. And for many of us, it already has. It’s not an easy path, but it’s necessary. It’s time to come back to ourselves and to the unshakable power within.
Thank you so much for helping me understand what I call the curse of being a woman! Yes, we need to give our selves permission to do so many things for our selves! Years of rebelling towards all the masculine crap, I hope to find my balance!
You sure have my permission to say yes to paying for child care so I could write poetry! (Not that you need it!)
Very interesting! I do a LOT of Gottman work, so I will keep this in mind.
For whatever reason, my client population includes a significant number of gay, lesbian, and transgender couples who don’t always fit the gender norms of our culture. Also international couples who may not have the same Western values as we do. And a lot of my female clients are successful tech executives who really don’t have a problem saying no and cutting boundaries as much as their husbands do.
Bottom line for me is that it really depends on the couple in front of you, but I’m going to pay more attention to what you’ve indicated here. Very important to provide the right skills to the right people.
Thank you for re-posting!
I'm so happy I found this. I've had the same thought, that these masculine divine tools were for men and women needed different ones that build us up, for years now. To read that others have come to the same conclusion, independently of each other, is so validating!!
How wonderful - I was just writing about this this morning. I'm Jewish, and although I'm secular, I can't stop reading about the different practices for (Orthodox) men and women. Everyone knows the men's practices- the visible ones such as studying Torah and group prayer for example. But since the rabbis are the only ones writing, historically, Jewish practice seems to prioritize these men's activities. It turns out that the women's practices are also extensive, but mostly invisible to outsiders. It's doesn't have the same breakdown as you've identified here, but then Judaism is a unique tradition, existing both within and outside the West.
Anyways, great essay.