All Hail Ballerina Farm: Crowned Conqueror of the Madonna-Whore Complex

The deep dive into the Mormon church and Sigmund Freud that you've always wanted.

On Wednesday night once we got the kids down, my post bed time victory scrolling brought me to a video of Hannah Neeleman, the gal behind the popular account ballerina farm, 10 days post-partum with her 8th child competing in the Mrs. World competition¹

Swiping through her feed, I experienced female icon whiplash as I went straight from a video documenting her home birth surrounded by her seven other young children:

to one where she is representing America at the Mrs. World pageant

Two simultaneous reactions emerged:

1. First off, I mean get it girl! Don’t let baby bring you down! Slay. Cue “I am a Woman” from Smokey Joe’s Cafe. “There ain't nothin I can't do….Cause I'm a womaannnn W. O. M. A N!” #girlssupportinggirls

But also…..

2. Hannah, why you gotta do us like that? As women we are so tired of trying to live by the impossibly high standards to both be June Cleaver the perfect 50s housewife AND smokin’ sexy Jessica Rabbit.

And in walks this homesteading stay at home mom of eight with her Mrs. America sash as if to say “what like it’s hard?”

The internet is torn between slamming this girl and idolizing her. I’m not particularly interested in either. I’m interested in peeling back the onion on why exactly she illicits strong feelings in us- both the cult-like admiration and the eye rolls.

Sigmund Freud explains why it’s hard to be a man…. er I mean woman

Ever heard of the Madonna-whore complex?

Sigmund Freud coined this phrase to describe the pickle so many men find themselves in: the women they respect they are not sexually attracted to and the women they are sexually attracted to they do not respect. 

Specifically Freud wrote, "Where men love they have no desire, and where they desire they cannot love."

So which do they choose??? Saintly Madonna or the “whore”? (Siggy my guy could you select the most offensive word for attractive? K thanks.)

Such a toughie!!!!

Although Freud coined the phrase, this to-respect-or-desire complex has been going on far before his time. Women in the Old Testament (which if you're unfamiliar, is the book three of the world’s leading religions hold as God’s truth) are all one or the other: virgin or prostitute, Ruth or Jezabel, Rachel or Deliliah, the wife or the concubine.

And Sigmund, if this situation is pickled for the men just wait until you hear about being a woman! Men have to choose who to partner with- June or Jessica- women have to choose who to be. Admired or sought after? Respected or hot? The wife or the concubine?²

June or Jessica?? Choices are hard!

But wait! Ballerina farm has good news for us all! We don’t have to choose! We get to be both!

Hooray for us! Madonna whores! (also look at me and my photoshops skills)

What a time to be alive. Thanks ballerina farm.

And what about the Mormonism of it all? Why are Mormon women so hot?

Another fun layer of this situation to explore is that Hannah Neeleman is an active Mormon. (or did you get that from the 8 kids, the homestead and the beauty pageant?)

caro claire burke

is establishing herself as quite the ballerina farm content think tank. In this Tiktok she says,

“If you keep following this account in the months to come you’re going to see this woman wearing her teeny tiny dress on stage talking about how the greatest thing that has ever happened to her is being a mother…. and mothers all over the country are going to equal parts hate and love her and they are not going to understand why ….. I think somebody more educated on the Mormon religion should do a deep dive on that.”

Excellent news guys. I was a Mormon! For 35 years! (Have I mentioned that?)

Pull my leg, I’ll talk about Mormonism and its paradoxical messaging around being saintly and being hot.

Mormonism brings the Madonna-whore complex to a fever pitch. 

There is insane pressure to be a virginal angel. And insane pressure to be attractive. Both simultaneously.

The mixed messaging in Mormonism on how to be a woman is such an interesting paradox. It has taken me a long time to be able to articulate it because so much of the pressure to be attractive is almost entirely unspoken so it flew under my radar and confused me for the longest time.

A few years ago a podcaster named Kate Kennedy ran a 3 part podcast series about why there are so many perfect looking Mormon bloggers. 

Not being Mormon herself at one point she assumed the Skalla sisters or Amber Fillerup were being publicly praised from the pulpit- their gorgeous long beachy waves and boob jobs held up as the good examples we should all strive to emulate. 

I think I said out loud “not at all!” In fact I had only heard of those women from listening to that podcast. If Rachel or Amber were ever brought up in church, it would be as a cautionary tale (Ahhh! bikinis!!).

In fact, not only is hotness not preached, we are repeatedly warned against it. Far too many dangers come with being hot: tempting boys, putting the cares of the world above the cares of God, tempting men, immodesty, immodest thoughts, did I mention tempting the males?

My model for ideal girlhood growing up was less Amber Fillerup:

more Laura Ingalls Wilder:

My beauty influence. (It’s just now occurring to me this is perhaps because she looks like a pioneer.)

No make up or curlers in sight. I thought caring about Jesus and caring how I looked were mutually exclusive.

Inundated as we are with “don’t be worldly” messages, you would think Mormon women would be a bunch of fugly uglies, wouldn’t you?

Isn’t it interesting then that so many Mormon women are so perfect looking in the “wordly” sense when we are warned against it? Isn’t it interesting that I felt guilty for wanting to be seen as hot when my own mother was a model in her 20s???

It is. It is interesting.

Just how much time, money and attention do Mormon women put on their worldly looks?

A shocking amount:

According to a 2011 RealSelf study, Salt Lake City residents did more searches for breast implants than residents of any other city. Moreover, a 2007 Forbes story labeled Salt Lake City “America’s Vainest City,” with four plastic surgeons for every 100,000 people, which was 2.5 times the national average. Salt Lake City residents also spent inordinate sums on beauty products—$2.2 million in 2006 on hair coloring and $6.9 million on cosmetics and skin care products, according to Forbes. By comparison, Oklahoma City, a city with a slightly larger population, spent $172,000 and $594,000, respectively.³

I grew up in Texas. I was a life guard in high school. Once in the break room my boss said, “Can I ask you something? Why are all Mormon girls hot? Like every single one I meet. It’s weird.”

I had never thought of that before. After a minute of staring at him blankly I said it was just a coincidence. And I honestly did think that.

But I don’t anymore.

So why are Mormon girls so hot when we are warned against being hot?

I have a three-part hypothesis:

1. Marriage isn’t just a suggestion, it’s a necessity for salvation.

We have to get married to get into heaven. Being hot is helpful when attracting a husband. Making matters worse, women outnumber men 2:1 in the Mormon dating pool, both on the apps and in single’s wards, causing the men to be extra choosey.⁴

What do you do when competition is fierce and salvation is on the line?

You get the botox.

You may be thinking, but that’s to acquire a husband, surely after marriage the pressure to be hot goes away?

No, no. The responsibility over men’s sexuality never goes away for a Mormon woman. Before marriage you must be modest lest you tempt them. Once you are married, you must keep your husband sexually satisfied lest they turn to porn or other women.

2. Mormonism limits a woman’s avenues for success.

Another high school anecdote! One day in senior English class we were filling out yearbook nominations in six categories: “most popular, most intelligent, most likely to succeed, most funny, most kind.” My friend group decided to all vote for each other. Mallory was a shoo-in for most funny. Lori for most kind. Janet for most intelligent. I decided I would go for “most likely to succeed.” I was ambitious after all, and I was a good student.

But when I pitched myself as most likely to succeed to my friends they looked at me skeptically and said, “No offense but you’re just going to be a mom.”

(It’s fine. That’s fine. Not like that moment has stuck with me for 20 years or anything…..)

As our friend Siggy taught us, there are two main pathways to be thought highly of as a woman: be respected or be hot. Mormon doctrine severely limits a woman’s access to worldly success. Our doctrine clearly states that a woman’s primary responsibility on earth is to be a mother⁵

Since homemakers aren’t exactly high on the respect totem pole in today’s society, it makes sense that Mormon women would veer towards the second option: be attractive. Even if only unconsciously.⁶

3. The Mormon Church benefits when their women are attractive.

Professors at the University of Wisconsin conducted a study to determine what type of people we find most trustworthy. Here’s what they found:

Results indicated that attractive individuals were seen as more trustworthy than unattractive individuals and women were seen as more trustworthy than men. When participants were forced to choose among the four pictures in a trust scenario, they overwhelmingly chose the attractive females.⁷

The church currently has 206 missionaries assigned to give tours at Temple Square and hundreds more at their other visitors centers across the country. All of them are female. Ever wonder why?

Even though I would have argued the church did not teach us to be hot, I did know that the pretty girls going on missions tended to be assigned to visitors centers.

And I did not want to be assigned a visitors center.

True story: when you go on a mission you submit a picture. When I put in my mission papers initially I took this picture to send in:

But then I remembered I did not want to go to temple square and I re-took the picture in worse lighting and sent in this one instead:

And I got sent far, far away to Slovenia!! Suckers…..

I was thinking of my mission as a reset button for all my worldly desires. I brought all unflattering clothes on purpose for a fresh start. So imagine my surprise when in the Missionary Training Center, the sisters meetings on Sundays kept telling us to put on make up and do our hair.

I’m sorry what? I was expecting them to say, “Don’t waste your time on your looks! That’s Satan stuff. Go! Preach!”

And if you’re wondering just how much the church cares about how women present themselves, I’m going to have to insist you watch the entirety of this four minute training video from the church entitled “Visual Poise for sisters” that instructs sisters on important situations like how to hold your hands in your pockets and how to enter a car:

I mean no pressure, just don’t show your finger nails, slouch or bend over. K thanks. (also when was this made? Surely in the 1960s yes??? Nope. 1994.)

In sum, Mormonism overtly expects its women to be saintly and covertly expects its women to be pretty.

Back to Ballerina Farm

I’m hoping my gratuitous deep dive into the Madonna-Whore complex in Mormonism helped offer some background on our dear friend ballerina farm and her conquest of the complex.

The first comment after her Day 2 of Mrs. World video says, “This woman is incredible - anyone who says otherwise clearly has their own issues. I aspire to be this active after my next baby.” 1130 people liked this comment.

A few comments down says, “I watched her Insta this morning showing her pageant outfits after having her child a few days ago and never felt more ‘less than’ in my life.”

Ballerina farm’s existence at the very pinnacle of not one but BOTH impossible standards of womanhood is enough to make any woman have a host of emotions towards her. What’s yours?

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What do you think of ballerina farm? Dying to know. And if you were raised Mormon- what was your particular blend of pressure to be a saint vs pressure to be attractive?

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1. how has having a SEPARATE beauty pageant for married women slipped past our feminist agenda the past 70 years?!?!? While we’re on the topic, how is ranking women numerically on their bodies as they parade around on stage in heels and swimsuits still happening in 2024?!?! Bananas.

2. If you are wondering if this debacle is secretly fueling many of the bedroom struggles in your long term relationship it almost assuredly is!

3. SOURCE

4. The article is called What Two Religions Tell Us About the Modern Dating Crisis. It is such an interesting story about the dating demographics in both Mormonism and Orthodox Judaism. Both communities are experiencing a huge uptick in plastic surgeries among women because in their current dating pools women outnumber men 2:1. In both cultures marriage is essential to salvation.

5. The Family Proclamation states “By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children.”

6. This also answers the question as to why there are so many Mormon mom influencers: a loophole where they get to have a business and be respected, but because of motherhood, while holding up the values of motherhood and being seen as world’s best mom.

7. SOURCE