I can't get past her strapless ball gown. Because there is a huge amount of Mormon women who would fixate on THAT because "it's not modest" and "you can't wear garments with that" while they smugly tell themselves "well I might not be as hot as her or able to bounce back so quick after a baby but at least I wouldn't lower my standards for the world like she's obviously willing to do."
"I don't care. I don't care. I don't care." *Scrolls on her Instagram for 20 minutes. Xb
Thanks Celeste for bringing this woman to the doorstep of my mind. Now my brain will be fighting over the verdict all day LOL! I actually find this quite funny. I have to laugh about this and our absurdness of it all. My life post-mormon has helped me to not take everything sooo seriously and determine what side of the line Ballerina Farm lives on, good or bad.
Sometimes I like to imagine visiting informational booths of people's lives and being able to choose what I want my life to be. A salesman yells, "Step right up, you get the best of both worlds with this life - you have the idyllic 1960's home life on a farm and you get the modern 2020's fame on the world's stage." I would inquire for more information and ask for disclosures and he would respond, "Rest is not guaranteed in this package. This package requires you to purchase the Team add-on, which I am required to disclose infringes on your freedom to choose...." The disclosures would continue.
I think to myself, "I don't want a life where I don't know whether I am human or a puppet for the world consumption. If I can't decide though, and I am born into it, I'll give em hell and put on the best show you've ever seen!
Oh my gosh I love your brain so much Madi. "I don't care, I don't care, I don't care" hahahah- this was me too. I was like blah, I don't care, I don't want to talk about it...... ok, fine I'll talk about it. Also obsessed with your informational booth analogy. Lots of disclosures. Lots of institutions being the curtain pulling the strings. So many institutions benefit from the impossibility of being a woman.
When I was in college, M Russell Ballard came to speak on campus (circa... 2002?). During what I imagine was the dating portion of his talk, I remember him encouraging the women in the audience to wear makeup, because "some of you look like death warmed over." The basketball arena filled with laughter, but I don't think that I laughed, and that was a moment when feminist, self-determining Nelda stepped forward, kind of like how Dr. Strange punches people into the astral plane, and said to YSA Nelda, "You don't have to listen to that."
My daughter follows “ballerina farm” and wants to be “just like her!” What?! Talk about setting yourself up for failure! Sigh.
I love how you explain the dichotomy of a Mormon woman’s existence. It’s pathetic that I ever bought into it. I hate that I did! Another sigh. I just so appreciate your candid insights and humor. It helps me forgive my former Mormon self and move forward in a positive way. You’re the best!
PS-That video was disgusting! So glad you linked it! 😜
To your daughter's credit- I can TOTALLY see the appeal. Who doesn't want to make sourdough waffles with fresh cream on a farm? I do! Anyway, thank you so much for saying that "helps me forgive my former Mormon self and move forward in a positive way" - if I had a mission statement that just might be it!!!
I love your article. So telling. I actually laughed out loud at this video, then also wanted to cry because of how small women have to be in this space. Can’t help but wonder if the men had any comparable lessons 🙄. And then saying the man in charge had to ban women from the front row 🙄🙄🙄. Just so ick!!! I remember thinking...I don’t wear dresses in my everyday life. Even if I was going to a job interview, I had nice pantsuits as was popular in the 90’s. Then I became Mormon and suddenly God needs me to be very feminine. Many microsteps made for 20 years in order to learn how to be more what THEY wanted vs who I inherently was.
I had some great experiences in the church AND I felt the pressure. When I had my 4th baby and my hubby was bishop, I about cracked. Not sure how this woman has 8 kids and does this 10 days later!! I was still in a diaper and milk supply getting established. I would have had bodily fluids ALL OVER my evening gown.
That video is definitely a laugh/cry moment. As is thinking about how ballerina farm is dealing with the escape of her bodily fluids in those gowns. Yikes.
I felt tremendous pressure to be attractive ever since I was in junior high in Provo Utah.
I have several older brothers that were told from their Mission Presidents that the harder they worked, the more attractive their wives would be.
There was pressure to be “righteous” as well as beautiful.
I realized unconsciously my self-worth and value as a women was centered around my looks and obedience to God.
The women in my area dress like they’re in a fashion show at church. Almost all the women are dressed to the nines along with their daughters. I’ve never seen so many women at the gym classes as there are here in Utah County. Whether consciously or unconsciously it is a thing!!!
You guys have got to listen to Allyssa and Margi’s explanation of this very discussion from Mormon Stories part 2 with Alyssa Grenfel eps. 1851 on Identity. It’s at 2:53.
I’m so glad you addressed this Mormon beauty queen. I think your points make so much sense and I’m grateful for good thinkers who also write so I can organize my mess of a brain!
Thanks so much Amy! I've had these thoughts about Mormonism and beauty swirling around my head for so long- it was fun to finally organize my own brain!
I love these thoughts so much. The contradictory standards that are held for women are completely impossible to attain. No wonder so many of us end up burnt out and jaded!
I died inside watching that video. I sighed everytime she said 'keep your knees together' and this is me typing from hell. (I am not married so no heaven for me!)
First time commenter. Hi. ☺️ I loved your article, and addressing this. As a member for 43 years (recently left), I definitely felt these pressures. I recently watched a podcast where the guest talked about this and she brought up something I'd never thought of, but she articulated what so many of us subconsciously felt. She talked about how a lot of guys on their missions are told "The harder you work, the hotter your wife will be." Nobody ever flips that and considers that it is also saying to women "The hotter you are, the more righteous husband you'll get." *Mic drop*.
Also to respond about Ballerina Farm, I had never heard of her until she was brought up in a discussion where she spoke at a BYU business conference, and the poster said she specifically went to listen to her and learn how she ran her "business", but was disappointed that she talked about none of that and only how God blessed her by listening to him. So I got curious. At first scrolling through her feed, I admit my mouth hit the floor mostly out of shock, but also respect. She truly did it all, as it seemed. I could make room for her ability to perfectly birth babies and do a pageant right after because she is a professionally trained athlete. Their bodies can do more, simple answer. And I could hold space for her desire to homeschool and take care of chickens and whatever else as well.
But my curiosity stopped after about a month of following her when I realized her posts were making me feel a little awful about myself. Not in an envious way, but in a "these are unrealistic daily expectations and I don't want to see it anymore."
Also, again, nothing against her lifestyle and accomplishments - because I think it's incredible. But, I also think it's important that she acknowledge any additional help she has doing these things. Nannies, makeup artists, farm hands, family, videographers, editors for her content, promotions, etc. It's the idea that she looks like she truly is doing it all but not acknowledging she has help - that creates some feelings in me.
Whoa 😳 Jennifer why have I never considered the inverse of the saying the better the missionary the hotter the wife?!??!?! Yoiiiiiiikes! Thanks for bringing that to my attention.
Also totally agree on everything you said about ballerina farm- spot on 🎯
This is really interesting. I think I’ve definitely subconsciously aimed for both. I’d just never thought of it, because I also despise patriarchy. But the effects and expectations for myself have been there—more in the past, but I can still feel them.
But that video makes me want to SCREAM. There is no way there’s anything close to equivalent for men, is there?
I love how you make me think about things I never thought of before. That make sure you put on make-up stuff is pretty f’d up. It’s why I quit my sorority. Weird, how the messages are the same. Have you read Sara Petersen’s work? She has a whole series on Ballerina Farm?
Oh I can TOTALLY see the links between sororities and Mormonism (..... that would be an interesting essay....) And yes! I have read Sara Peterson's thoughts on ballerina farm, though not for many months. I didn't want to seek out anyone else's opinion while I was writing this in case I unconsciously copied their thoughts.
Just a side note: Marriage in Judaism is not seen as the path to "salvation". Jews do not see themselves as needing to be "saved" or necessarily as "born sinners". Judaism views marriage as the basis for human companionship and the cornerstone of the community. Marriage is seen as essential for Jewish survival, a way to transmit our heritage from Sinai. It fulfills the biblical commandment to "be fruitful and multiply". Marriage is considered a union sanctified by God and the whole (couple) a better state than the parts (single). To make a successful match (for any age adult) is also considered a great mitzva (good religious deed). The Jewish community would not exist among singles or celibates. Remaining unmarried within the orthodox community is hard and can be lonely, but you are not considered a sinner.
I can't get past her strapless ball gown. Because there is a huge amount of Mormon women who would fixate on THAT because "it's not modest" and "you can't wear garments with that" while they smugly tell themselves "well I might not be as hot as her or able to bounce back so quick after a baby but at least I wouldn't lower my standards for the world like she's obviously willing to do."
Yes! Very similar to the response to LDS influencers like the Skalla sisters or Amber Fillerup.... cautionary tales.
"I don't care. I don't care. I don't care." *Scrolls on her Instagram for 20 minutes. Xb
Thanks Celeste for bringing this woman to the doorstep of my mind. Now my brain will be fighting over the verdict all day LOL! I actually find this quite funny. I have to laugh about this and our absurdness of it all. My life post-mormon has helped me to not take everything sooo seriously and determine what side of the line Ballerina Farm lives on, good or bad.
Sometimes I like to imagine visiting informational booths of people's lives and being able to choose what I want my life to be. A salesman yells, "Step right up, you get the best of both worlds with this life - you have the idyllic 1960's home life on a farm and you get the modern 2020's fame on the world's stage." I would inquire for more information and ask for disclosures and he would respond, "Rest is not guaranteed in this package. This package requires you to purchase the Team add-on, which I am required to disclose infringes on your freedom to choose...." The disclosures would continue.
I think to myself, "I don't want a life where I don't know whether I am human or a puppet for the world consumption. If I can't decide though, and I am born into it, I'll give em hell and put on the best show you've ever seen!
So, Ballerina Farm, go give em hell!
Oh my gosh I love your brain so much Madi. "I don't care, I don't care, I don't care" hahahah- this was me too. I was like blah, I don't care, I don't want to talk about it...... ok, fine I'll talk about it. Also obsessed with your informational booth analogy. Lots of disclosures. Lots of institutions being the curtain pulling the strings. So many institutions benefit from the impossibility of being a woman.
When I was in college, M Russell Ballard came to speak on campus (circa... 2002?). During what I imagine was the dating portion of his talk, I remember him encouraging the women in the audience to wear makeup, because "some of you look like death warmed over." The basketball arena filled with laughter, but I don't think that I laughed, and that was a moment when feminist, self-determining Nelda stepped forward, kind of like how Dr. Strange punches people into the astral plane, and said to YSA Nelda, "You don't have to listen to that."
😂😂😂 Nelda’s villain* origin story (*villain= being awesome)
Another brilliant essay!
My daughter follows “ballerina farm” and wants to be “just like her!” What?! Talk about setting yourself up for failure! Sigh.
I love how you explain the dichotomy of a Mormon woman’s existence. It’s pathetic that I ever bought into it. I hate that I did! Another sigh. I just so appreciate your candid insights and humor. It helps me forgive my former Mormon self and move forward in a positive way. You’re the best!
PS-That video was disgusting! So glad you linked it! 😜
To your daughter's credit- I can TOTALLY see the appeal. Who doesn't want to make sourdough waffles with fresh cream on a farm? I do! Anyway, thank you so much for saying that "helps me forgive my former Mormon self and move forward in a positive way" - if I had a mission statement that just might be it!!!
It’s not pathetic. We are born into so many societal and religious constructs. It takes time to free ourselves and find our truth.
Thx Mary! Appreciate the kind words and encouragement!
I love your article. So telling. I actually laughed out loud at this video, then also wanted to cry because of how small women have to be in this space. Can’t help but wonder if the men had any comparable lessons 🙄. And then saying the man in charge had to ban women from the front row 🙄🙄🙄. Just so ick!!! I remember thinking...I don’t wear dresses in my everyday life. Even if I was going to a job interview, I had nice pantsuits as was popular in the 90’s. Then I became Mormon and suddenly God needs me to be very feminine. Many microsteps made for 20 years in order to learn how to be more what THEY wanted vs who I inherently was.
I had some great experiences in the church AND I felt the pressure. When I had my 4th baby and my hubby was bishop, I about cracked. Not sure how this woman has 8 kids and does this 10 days later!! I was still in a diaper and milk supply getting established. I would have had bodily fluids ALL OVER my evening gown.
That video is definitely a laugh/cry moment. As is thinking about how ballerina farm is dealing with the escape of her bodily fluids in those gowns. Yikes.
I felt tremendous pressure to be attractive ever since I was in junior high in Provo Utah.
I have several older brothers that were told from their Mission Presidents that the harder they worked, the more attractive their wives would be.
There was pressure to be “righteous” as well as beautiful.
I realized unconsciously my self-worth and value as a women was centered around my looks and obedience to God.
The women in my area dress like they’re in a fashion show at church. Almost all the women are dressed to the nines along with their daughters. I’ve never seen so many women at the gym classes as there are here in Utah County. Whether consciously or unconsciously it is a thing!!!
You guys have got to listen to Allyssa and Margi’s explanation of this very discussion from Mormon Stories part 2 with Alyssa Grenfel eps. 1851 on Identity. It’s at 2:53.
Oh yeah - I should have mentioned the “the more righteous you are the hotter your wife will be” promise. So gross. So common.
And I definitely think the beauty pressure is on hyper drive in Utah County. Intense!
Thanks for the Mormon stories tip - I’ll give it a listen!
I’m so glad you addressed this Mormon beauty queen. I think your points make so much sense and I’m grateful for good thinkers who also write so I can organize my mess of a brain!
Thanks so much Amy! I've had these thoughts about Mormonism and beauty swirling around my head for so long- it was fun to finally organize my own brain!
I love these thoughts so much. The contradictory standards that are held for women are completely impossible to attain. No wonder so many of us end up burnt out and jaded!
So true Karey!
a "ballerina farm content think tank." life comes at you fast lol - thank you so much! loved reading this piece
Thanks for sharing your thoughts! Loving following them on Tiktok :)
I died inside watching that video. I sighed everytime she said 'keep your knees together' and this is me typing from hell. (I am not married so no heaven for me!)
First time commenter. Hi. ☺️ I loved your article, and addressing this. As a member for 43 years (recently left), I definitely felt these pressures. I recently watched a podcast where the guest talked about this and she brought up something I'd never thought of, but she articulated what so many of us subconsciously felt. She talked about how a lot of guys on their missions are told "The harder you work, the hotter your wife will be." Nobody ever flips that and considers that it is also saying to women "The hotter you are, the more righteous husband you'll get." *Mic drop*.
Also to respond about Ballerina Farm, I had never heard of her until she was brought up in a discussion where she spoke at a BYU business conference, and the poster said she specifically went to listen to her and learn how she ran her "business", but was disappointed that she talked about none of that and only how God blessed her by listening to him. So I got curious. At first scrolling through her feed, I admit my mouth hit the floor mostly out of shock, but also respect. She truly did it all, as it seemed. I could make room for her ability to perfectly birth babies and do a pageant right after because she is a professionally trained athlete. Their bodies can do more, simple answer. And I could hold space for her desire to homeschool and take care of chickens and whatever else as well.
But my curiosity stopped after about a month of following her when I realized her posts were making me feel a little awful about myself. Not in an envious way, but in a "these are unrealistic daily expectations and I don't want to see it anymore."
Also, again, nothing against her lifestyle and accomplishments - because I think it's incredible. But, I also think it's important that she acknowledge any additional help she has doing these things. Nannies, makeup artists, farm hands, family, videographers, editors for her content, promotions, etc. It's the idea that she looks like she truly is doing it all but not acknowledging she has help - that creates some feelings in me.
Whoa 😳 Jennifer why have I never considered the inverse of the saying the better the missionary the hotter the wife?!??!?! Yoiiiiiiikes! Thanks for bringing that to my attention.
Also totally agree on everything you said about ballerina farm- spot on 🎯
This is really interesting. I think I’ve definitely subconsciously aimed for both. I’d just never thought of it, because I also despise patriarchy. But the effects and expectations for myself have been there—more in the past, but I can still feel them.
But that video makes me want to SCREAM. There is no way there’s anything close to equivalent for men, is there?
Very well put. Agonizing if you think about. Mormonism is full of tons of doublespeak and conflicting messages.
Totally. It's A LOT. Thanks Jared!
I love how you make me think about things I never thought of before. That make sure you put on make-up stuff is pretty f’d up. It’s why I quit my sorority. Weird, how the messages are the same. Have you read Sara Petersen’s work? She has a whole series on Ballerina Farm?
Oh I can TOTALLY see the links between sororities and Mormonism (..... that would be an interesting essay....) And yes! I have read Sara Peterson's thoughts on ballerina farm, though not for many months. I didn't want to seek out anyone else's opinion while I was writing this in case I unconsciously copied their thoughts.
This explains it all very well!
Thanks Carrie!
Just a side note: Marriage in Judaism is not seen as the path to "salvation". Jews do not see themselves as needing to be "saved" or necessarily as "born sinners". Judaism views marriage as the basis for human companionship and the cornerstone of the community. Marriage is seen as essential for Jewish survival, a way to transmit our heritage from Sinai. It fulfills the biblical commandment to "be fruitful and multiply". Marriage is considered a union sanctified by God and the whole (couple) a better state than the parts (single). To make a successful match (for any age adult) is also considered a great mitzva (good religious deed). The Jewish community would not exist among singles or celibates. Remaining unmarried within the orthodox community is hard and can be lonely, but you are not considered a sinner.