Before you assume your partner is asexual, please read this.

Sexual desire is a nuanced, deeply individual experience. I interviewed three of you who graciously share their individual experience.

“My husband thinks I’m asexual because I never want sex.”

“Do YOU think you’re asexual?”

“I don’t think so. Certainly not before I was married….”

I had this conversation with a friend last month. It was the third such conversation I have had this year where a friend’s husband assumed his wife is asexual.

Meanwhile, when I talk to my divorced friends, I keep hearing their stories of being sex averse in their marriages. Then they got divorced and woo boy! Not sex averse any more.

I can’t help but think these two groups of people should be talking to each other.¹

I wanted to hear from you guys. So I posted this on my Instagram on Tuesday:

And you delivered! I called up three very generous volunteers and interviewed them for about half an hour each. Then I transcribed the interviews and will include snippets of those interviews below.

Imagine we are all at a party together. This essay is me at the party saying “Oh hey [group assuming low libido is permanent]! I think you should meet my friend [group I used to think my low libido was permanent but I discovered it’s not].

Then I back out of the room slowly while watching the group chat out of the corner of my eye.

Before I moonwalk out of here and let my interviewees steal the show,

IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER: This article is not actually about asexuality. It is an article pushing back against the idea that 1. something is wrong with you if you don’t desire sex and 2. if you don’t desire sex with your current partner you must have permanent sex aversion or be asexual.

Asexuality is very real and very valid. These stories are not making the point that if you think you are asexual, you actually aren’t. Just that sexual desire is a fluid, complicated thing with lots of factors at play. Sexual orientation is not the same thing as sexual desire.

If you have questions, asexuality.org is a great resource. Here’s a snippet from their FAQ section:

We had great sex at first but now it is totally gone. I don't understand. Is it possible that my partner has suddenly turned asexual?

Sexual orientation is consistent over a lifetime for the vast majority of people. It’s incredibly rare for somebody to “suddenly turn asexual”…. It’s really up to your partner to determine the underlying reasons they may have experienced these changes, as it’s a deeply personal and individual experience.²

Let’s dive into a few deeply personal and individual experiences, shall we?

We’ll start with Jess (names have all been changed) who was married for almost 10 years and has been divorced for five.

Then we’ll talk to Allie who is still married but has gone through a massive shift in her sex life.

And finally we’ll hear from Emily who has only been divorced for less than a year but what a year it’s been!

Interview with Jess

Me: "Tell me about your sexual desire when you were married vs after marriage."

Jess: “So during marriage I always liked sex while I was having it. When I would have sex I would think "this is great- we should do this more." But then always, every single time before sex, I would never want to have sex. Ever.

I got to the point where I thought I was asexual because I NEVER wanted to have sex. Especially after having children- I didn't ever want it, didn't ever think of it, didn't ever want to think about it.

I just accepted it- like this is how I am- I'm asexual. But it was a contention point in my marriage because my husband wanted to have sex. And everything that he suggested sexually I absolutely did not want to do. When he suggested something, I would be disgusted by it. 

We got divorced. Being a recent ex-Mormon and thinking about dating... sex was very scary for me. I didn't know what was normal. For nine months I didn't date. I didn't care about sex. I still thought I was asexual. 

And then I was listening to a podcast by Ester Perel called Where Do We Begin and it seriously changed my life. I remember the trail I was running on while I was listening. As I was listening, I had to pause it because I was like "Oh my gosh- this is me!"

It was about this couple with a traditional upbringing in India. I related to the wife so much because she never wanted sex. She said ‘I love my husband but whatever he suggests for us to do sexually, disgusts me. I don't want to try it.’ Just exactly how I felt. 

And Ester Perel said, ‘You saying no to sex is you saying no to patriarchy because those are inseparable in your mind.' And I was running and I stopped when she said that and just started crying because that was life changing to me. That was totally it. 

Then she was like, ‘you need to separate patriarchy from sex. Sex is not just for men. Sex is for you.’ And I was like, that's it. I wasn't saying no to sex with men. I was saying no to sex FOR men. 

I was saying no to patriarchal sex, which is the only sex I knew.”

Me: “Wow, that’s profound.”

Jess: “It is! It made me realize I had this underlying belief that as a wife I HAD to provide sex for my husband. It wasn't for me. 

I listened to this other podcast by Julia Allen about casual sex and it blew my mind because for the first time I realized, wow, I could go out and have sex FOR ME. Like JUST for me, for my enjoyment. Not to make a guy like me, not to make a guy happy, not for a relationship. I could just do it because it’s fun for me.”

Me: “Explain what happened to your sex life and your libido then? After the podcasts?”

Jess: “Julia Allen really helped me see that your libido is not just sexual feelings and sexual thoughts, libido is tied to your whole life. Do you like the way you live? Is it expressive of you? How does your lifestyle make you feel? Do you like the way you eat? Is that sexy? It all ties into libido. 

So she helped me see that my sex drive is about ME, my life, how I live, not just a guy.

Now I love sex. Sex is one of the great joys of my life. Right along with eating food or my friends- it's one of my favorite things in life. It’s something I prioritize.

Me: When did you realize that you aren't asexual?

Jess: The first guy I dated after my divorce that I actually liked. On our second date we went back to my place and he was so respectful. Each new touch, he would ask me if he could. Which gave me the opportunity to offer an intentional ‘yes.’ Not just to him but to myself. I felt very safe and I was clear in my own mind I wanted to keep going.

That was the first time I was like, ‘Oh! I DO like sex!’ and that's how it is every time for me now. I always ask myself, ‘Is this a HELL YES for me?’ Like do I want to have sex FOR ME? Because I think I would enjoy it? Then yes I'm going to do it. But if it is at all a no, like if I can tell he really wants to but I would just be doing it to please him? No. I'm not going to do it.” 

Me: “How much did you think about sex when you were married vs when you weren't?”

Jess: “While married? 0%. Especially at the end.

Now I think about it all the time. I was with one guy for almost a year and we had sex every single day we were together. And I had no idea I would have enjoyed that, but I did.”

Me: “Ok so what would you say is the difference between the relationship where you wanted sex every day and the one where you didn't want it at all? What factors are at play?”

Jess: “It was separating the patriarchy from sex. That was huge. Because when I would say no to my husband- I was really saying no to the patriarchy. So that had to be separated and then it was thinking about myself more.

Having time all to myself is key. When I start liking a guy, I start thinking of them a lot. I want to take care of them. It’s hard to think of myself because I am thinking of them so much, but when I’m not dating anyone, I think of myself easily. For me this has been the main thing- time to think about myself without thinking of a man.”

Interview with Allie

Me: “Ok, take me through the changes in your sexual desire, how you think of yourself, how you think of sex, all of it.”

Allie: “So I got married 20 years ago and I was excited to experience sex with my husband. We had waited until marriage.

Our wedding night was the best 11 seconds of my husband's life. 

And I was like ........ ok..... we'll keep practicing. I thought I must be doing something wrong because I'm not as excited as my husband is about this.

We kept trying, but after my first child, my libido was totally gone. I was consenting to sex that I didn’t want.

We both kept thinking it would get better or that I would like it once we got going, but I wasn’t having good sexual experiences. I was just like ok well, sex is for the man. And I have to manage his sexual feelings.

Sex was an obligation. There was no thought, no question of ‘What do I even want sexually? Am I sexually satisfied?’

My husband was wondering what was wrong with me that I didn't want sex. So I developed the belief that I was broken. Something was wrong with me. I was subscribing to that as well. And that made me feel less and less sexual.

My libido was almost non-existent.

Eventually it came to a head and I was asking myself what I like. I didn’t know. But I knew what I didn’t like and that was penetration. I finally got the courage to tell my husband and he was so hurt, but he didn’t want to have sex with me if I didn’t want it, if I was just obliging so he pulled way back. He didn’t want to end our marriage, so he decided to accept that sex may not be a part of our marriage. It was really hard.

We took like a two year break where we were hardly having sex at all.

Interestingly once sex was off the table in our relationship, it made this space for me to think about it for myself. I was so busy thinking about him I never felt like I had the space to think about sex for me in my life- ‘do even like this? Do I want this? Is this an important part of my life FOR ME? Apart from him?’

There's a book Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski and I started learning what pushes my brakes on my libido and what pushes my gas pedal- what turns me on and what turns me off. And I noticed that I was pushing on my brakes all day long. Society was pushing on my brakes. Culture was pushing on my breaks. My husband was pushing on my brakes. My kids. My beliefs were pushing on my brakes. Everyone was pushing on my brakes!

I'm exhausted and burnt out at the end of the day just by living my life. My life revolved around obligation, duty, work, expectation, everything that had to be done. There was no thought of ‘What do you want? What sounds fun to you? What sounds pleasurable to you?’

So I started learning about myself and realizing that a lot of my frameworks around sexuality and femininity were horrible to my sexual desire. One was that women shouldn't desire but should be desirable. So I was thinking about how to be desired, but not what do I desire? 

I think a lot of the frameworks we had around sexuality in my marriage made him entitled. Because he wanted sex, I should want sex with him. There was nothing on his part that needed to be done. When I told him I don’t like intercourse instead of asking ‘Well what DOES she like?’ We were both like ‘what is wrong with me?’

We thought of sex as a reward for him. Like a sticker chart. He did the dishes, he took care of the kids, he bought me a massage for my birthday- he deserves a sticker.

What a turn off!

The other major part of this.... everything I was told was wrong- I now needed to confront head on. Because everything that turned me on, I thought was wrong. You’re not supposed to touch yourself. You’re not supposed to read sexy books, listen to sexy music, watch sexy movies. But I need sexual context to get turned on. I was pushing on the brakes before the engine could even start.

Embracing this part of myself, it didn’t require just a few changes, it was like a whole overhaul. Everything needed to change- how I thought of myself, femininity, masculinity, my priorities, how I defined sex, how I lived my life.

Me: “Wow, so things started to change after those two years?”

Allie: “Yeah so it was about two years of figuring all of this out until I became interested in exploring sex again with my husband. I started initiating things that I just thought sounded fun. And it was really important that there was no expectation of penetration. I would start exploring like sleeping naked or being naked outside together like skinny dipping. Just being playful together.

Because I was having fun, I started initiating more. As a result of that, my husband was really happy to see me happy and satisfied. He started thinking, "what can I do to be desirable to her?" instead of "I need this from her."

He had to really work on not having expectations of me. Not pressuring me. Like going on vacation or date night and not thinking "sex SHOULD be happening at the end of this." He had to stop thinking of sex as a reward or an entitlement.

Me: “And how’s your sex life now? Has it stuck?”

Allie: “Yeah. Now I actually look forward to sex. I don't avoid it anymore. I have the kind of sex that feels good and fun to me- not just penetration every time. 

He had to learn to give. I had to learn to receive. The opposite of how it used to be.

Our bedroom has become a beautiful sacred place for me.”

Interview with Emily

Me: “Tell me your tale.”

Emily: “So when I got married, I actually felt I had pretty good sex education for a Mormon. I knew that a lot of women don't come just through penetration- I knew a lot of women need vibrators or just a lot of stimulation. Prior to dating, I did watch porn and masturbate.

So on our honeymoon, we did it at least every day, and I hated it every day. So when we got back, it slowed down. I wasn't initiating.

While we were dating I was into physical touch- I would hug him and hold his hand, but after marriage, I stopped because every time I would touch him, he thought it was leading to sex. So I decreased that. 

Earlier on in our marriage, the first year, he was lucky if it was once a month. It was a chore for me. I started to feel bad that I wasn't wanting it. I read Come As You Are. We got a vibrator pretty early on for me to help.

Also I have ADHD, so sometimes I could start to get in the mood but then my mind would go somewhere else and I'm not in the mood anymore, so we worked on techniques to calm me before and then also during. Like having music to relax me, lighting a candle so it smells good, making sure the dishes were done before. Things like that so my mind wasn't in the way. It kind of became a routine that I needed a short massage before we initiated anything. 

But it wasn’t getting better. I had developed massive anxiety around sex. Every day I would be freaking out "Is it going to happen? Is it going to happen?" And then on the weekends I would freak out more because it was more likely to happen when we're more free. 

And then since I was wanting to compromise, my therapist suggested we schedule sex. I said I could do every other week. But then because it was scheduled- that just put my anxiety on a schedule. Knowing it was going to happen, I would freak out about it.

I was still masturbating in secret.  

Then I started discovering what asexuality was. I stumbled upon the subreddit for it. There's this amazing questionnaire that I found. Like, I discovered I could be very sex averse, but still be turned on by watching porn. And still be asexual. 

I came out to my husband as asexual. Within a day, my husband said, "I think we should get divorced." I was questioning the church and eventually left, so our marriage was dealing with mixed-faith marriage stuff on top of sex problems.

I was freaking out because I had a huge fear of divorce. I didn't know I could take care of myself and trust myself. I was dependent on his job. And I just expected my whole life to get married and be taken care of. 

We saw a couples therapist who counseled us not to rush. We patched things up and tried to make it work for a year. I was willing to have sex more often. I didn't enjoy it necessarily, but I felt like I wasn’t quite as averse as before. There were times I would be fine, like ‘yep, we're gonna have sex and I'm fine with that.’ And then we would, but then I would clean up in the bathroom and start bawling. Like ‘Oh my gosh I hated that!’ But I thought it was just what I had to do because I didn't want to get divorced.

Eventually through therapy, I started to fear divorce less. So a year after my husband first wanted to, we did end up getting divorced- mostly because of mixed faith marriage stuff. 

So after the divorce, I was curious about dating because I wanted to figure out if I'm asexual or not, so I got on the apps. After a few months I swiped on my current boyfriend. When we had sex, it was completely different. I was like ‘Wow, I am enjoying this!’ I loved it the whole time. I had no anxiety during it. I felt so safe. It was amazing. 

Night and day difference. I was like ‘Oh my God, maybe I'm not asexual.’ 

I mean I also know its a spectrum, so I haven't really figured out if I am asexual or not. But I do like sex now. The anxiety is gone.”

---

In conclusion: The lesson here isn’t that someone couldn’t truly come to the realization that they are asexual.

The lesson is that all sorts of factors play into low libido. There are so many conversations to be had before jumping to conclusions about a partner’s sexual orientation.

A special thanks to those who agreed to be interviewed! And if you’d like to share your wisdom or stories in the comments- please add to the discussion! We’d love to hear from you!

1. not because no one is actually asexual. People are. It’s real. But more because you should not be diagnosing other people’s sexual orientations. Or seeing asexuality as stand in for ‘something is wrong with you.’

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2. If I learned anything from reading discussion threads on asexuality.org it is that the asexual community is a very welcoming place. Lots of comments like “You are welcome here even you experience sexual attraction.” “You belong even if you are questioning.” “If you’re not sure of your sexuality, welcome!”