Another excellent post on an important topic, Celeste. There's a lot here to unpack. A huge thanks to those that volunteered to be interviewed and shared their stories. Some of these stories are heart breaking. I had never thought about the connection between sex and the patriarchy, but it makes complete sense. My experience is that most men (not all, but most) approach sex as something they are owed for no other reason than they are a man. Never mind what their partner has been through that day or wants, they're a man and they deserve sex. And most men (again not all, but must) only focus on their own enjoyment during sex and don't care at all if their partner is enjoying it. They don't care to take the time to learn what their partner wants in a sexual relationship, how and where to touch them, how to get them aroused, how to help them achieve climax, etc. Layer on top of that for those that were raised in the church purity culture years and years of conditioning to think that sex is evil and only for reproduction. It really is sad, because sex should be one of the most enjoyable things in life. Homo Sapiens by nature are sexual beings, and we should embrace and nurture that, not have it beaten out of us. So here is my advice to most of the men: you want to have a great sex life with your partner, stop focusing on yourself and focus on them. Focus on their pleasure and enjoyment. Learn what arouses them. You don't get to finish until they do. Stop thinking you deserve a gold star because you did the dishes one time this year (honestly you should be doing the dishes every night and more). And for god's sake, get an anatomy book and take the time to learn about your partner's sexual anatomy. It really is quite fascinating. A really great consequence of focusing on your partner's pleasure is you will learn how to last longer than 11 seconds!
Ugh Steve! Your comments heal me EVERY time you comment!! 😂😂 It’s just sad how rare it is to hear men call out the patriarchy. So I’m extra appreciative of your comments. Thank you 🙏🏼
I resonated was parts of all 3 stories! It’s so painful to continually feel broken. I spent most of my marriage feeling like there was something wrong with me. After waiting until marriage to have sex I was totally let down by it and it instantly became a duty, a chore, and something I dreaded. 20 years later and I’m having the best sex of my life with that same man. The key…breaking free of my religious conditioning(we left the religion together), healing from childhood sexual abuse, finding out what I liked and being brave enough to ask for it, exploring and discovering new and exciting sexual things together. It’s been a long road but for anyone reading, I promise there’s hope. Get a good therapist, read “come as you are”, and be gentle and patient with yourself. Celeste thanks for writing this! There’s power in feeling like you’re not alone.
This is so important, thank you for sharing these three stories! A few years back, Jennifer Findlayson-Fife was the keynote speaker at a Mormon Feminist retreat I attended. She talked about how sex ends up becoming another form of caretaking for women. It was really revolutionary for me.
As someone who is divorced, no longer active in the church and
works as a sex coach now, the way that I have sex now is so different. Our libido is how we power our lives -- it isn't just about sex. Investing in our own pleasure for the sake of pleasure, is a portal into ourselves. It is healing. It reveals what you like. Every woman should be touching herself. It's the best advice we never got as Mormon women.
Man did this hit the nail on the head for me. I didn’t realize until reading this that in my marriage sex was about patriarchy and control! I’m divorced and have been for quite sometime now, but when I was married, a penis equated control, patriarchy and it felt like a weapon as a result.
Divorce and leaving a high demand controlling church changed all of that for me. Thank God
This is fascinating. Thanks for taking the time to interview and write about womens experiences with their libido. The quote about sex feeling like patriarchy is mind blowing. Libido being tied to how all the facets of your life and relationships are going makes a lot of sense. I’m in a mixed faith marriage and mixed political marriage and it definitely effects my interest in sex.
As a man that experiences low libido, this was also very interesting read. I too experienced a night/day change after reading Esther Perel. The idea of a second marriage with the same person made such a big difference in my relationship with my partner. Understanding the shame that came from sexual fantasies and masturbation was liberating. Also, once we were done wanting children and sex was for fun was game changer.
Another excellent post on an important topic, Celeste. There's a lot here to unpack. A huge thanks to those that volunteered to be interviewed and shared their stories. Some of these stories are heart breaking. I had never thought about the connection between sex and the patriarchy, but it makes complete sense. My experience is that most men (not all, but most) approach sex as something they are owed for no other reason than they are a man. Never mind what their partner has been through that day or wants, they're a man and they deserve sex. And most men (again not all, but must) only focus on their own enjoyment during sex and don't care at all if their partner is enjoying it. They don't care to take the time to learn what their partner wants in a sexual relationship, how and where to touch them, how to get them aroused, how to help them achieve climax, etc. Layer on top of that for those that were raised in the church purity culture years and years of conditioning to think that sex is evil and only for reproduction. It really is sad, because sex should be one of the most enjoyable things in life. Homo Sapiens by nature are sexual beings, and we should embrace and nurture that, not have it beaten out of us. So here is my advice to most of the men: you want to have a great sex life with your partner, stop focusing on yourself and focus on them. Focus on their pleasure and enjoyment. Learn what arouses them. You don't get to finish until they do. Stop thinking you deserve a gold star because you did the dishes one time this year (honestly you should be doing the dishes every night and more). And for god's sake, get an anatomy book and take the time to learn about your partner's sexual anatomy. It really is quite fascinating. A really great consequence of focusing on your partner's pleasure is you will learn how to last longer than 11 seconds!
Ugh Steve! Your comments heal me EVERY time you comment!! 😂😂 It’s just sad how rare it is to hear men call out the patriarchy. So I’m extra appreciative of your comments. Thank you 🙏🏼
I resonated was parts of all 3 stories! It’s so painful to continually feel broken. I spent most of my marriage feeling like there was something wrong with me. After waiting until marriage to have sex I was totally let down by it and it instantly became a duty, a chore, and something I dreaded. 20 years later and I’m having the best sex of my life with that same man. The key…breaking free of my religious conditioning(we left the religion together), healing from childhood sexual abuse, finding out what I liked and being brave enough to ask for it, exploring and discovering new and exciting sexual things together. It’s been a long road but for anyone reading, I promise there’s hope. Get a good therapist, read “come as you are”, and be gentle and patient with yourself. Celeste thanks for writing this! There’s power in feeling like you’re not alone.
There’s hope! Here’s to the best sex of your life after 20 years of marriage 🥂👏
This is so important, thank you for sharing these three stories! A few years back, Jennifer Findlayson-Fife was the keynote speaker at a Mormon Feminist retreat I attended. She talked about how sex ends up becoming another form of caretaking for women. It was really revolutionary for me.
As someone who is divorced, no longer active in the church and
works as a sex coach now, the way that I have sex now is so different. Our libido is how we power our lives -- it isn't just about sex. Investing in our own pleasure for the sake of pleasure, is a portal into ourselves. It is healing. It reveals what you like. Every woman should be touching herself. It's the best advice we never got as Mormon women.
“Every woman should be touching herself” 👏❤️ I couldn’t agree more. Thanks for your work in this world Sarah ❤️❤️❤️❤️
Man did this hit the nail on the head for me. I didn’t realize until reading this that in my marriage sex was about patriarchy and control! I’m divorced and have been for quite sometime now, but when I was married, a penis equated control, patriarchy and it felt like a weapon as a result.
Divorce and leaving a high demand controlling church changed all of that for me. Thank God
100% 🙌 Thanks for sharing your experience with us Suzanne ❤️❤️❤️
This is fascinating. Thanks for taking the time to interview and write about womens experiences with their libido. The quote about sex feeling like patriarchy is mind blowing. Libido being tied to how all the facets of your life and relationships are going makes a lot of sense. I’m in a mixed faith marriage and mixed political marriage and it definitely effects my interest in sex.
Hum, may there be a thread about the way we view marriage and commitment and what is sex and our bodies and patriarchy... I wonder... ;)
🤔🤔🤔😁
As a man that experiences low libido, this was also very interesting read. I too experienced a night/day change after reading Esther Perel. The idea of a second marriage with the same person made such a big difference in my relationship with my partner. Understanding the shame that came from sexual fantasies and masturbation was liberating. Also, once we were done wanting children and sex was for fun was game changer.
Is there a particular Esther Perel book that helped you?