Good Fruit Bad Fruit Part 3

Part 3 of 4 of my fictional story following BYU couple Parker and Alyssa. This week the couple spends more time with Parker's family, and trouble is a-brewin.

If you haven’t read Part one, do that real quick right here.

If you haven’t read Part two, you can do that too right here.

Now that you’re all caught up, let’s catch up with our two little love birds. We jump ahead two months in their relationship this week, which is approximately 12 months in MDT (Mormon Dating Time).

This week Parker and Alyssa tackle some issues with Parker’s family. More of Alyssa’s atypical theology comes out when Parker’s brother comes out (see what I did there?)

Let me know what you think! And happy pride month!

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Parker kisses the back of Alyssa’s head and for a moment the world feels…… perfect. They are half sitting, half lying down on the old scratchy couch in his apartment watching Knives Out. She’s leaning back on him, his arms around her waist.

The past few months have been a big happy blur for Parker. When he is away from Alyssa, he’s thinking of her. When they are together, he never wants to leave.

Alyssa has thoroughly infiltrated his family and he couldn’t be happier about how well she is fitting in. They go together to Sunday dinner every Sunday and often head up to Lehi sometime mid week to watch his sister Katelyn’s choir concerts, his brother Isaac’s soccer games or to babysit his niece and nephew.

He breathes into her hair and tries to trust the joy that comes over him. “Trust the joy” is a favorite phrase of Alyssa’s that Parker is trying to adopt.

…………….

The next day after church Parker is wondering whether to bring Alyssa to family dinner. He woke up to a phone call from his mom briefing him on a sensitive situation with his brother Isaac. Parker’s not sure whether Alyssa would somehow make things worse if she came today, but Isaac really likes her, so he decides to risk it.

Parker doesn’t mention anything to Alyssa and is hoping he won’t have to, but as they finish dinner Alyssa pulls him aside and asks if he knows what is up with Isaac today. He is acting moody and withdrawn. He didn’t even answer when Alyssa asked him about prom.

Parker doesn’t want to lie to Alyssa. He has been looking for an excuse to escape the house anyway, so he suggests they go for a short walk around the neighborhood for some privacy.

“Alyssa and I are going on a walk!” he yells from the front door to no one in particular.

“Ok, have fun!” his mom yells back. Then she adds, “No making out in front of the neighbors!”

“Now we’re going to make out harder! Bye!” Parker yells.

Once Alyssa and Parker have passed a few houses, Alyssa says, “Ok, so what’s going on with Isaac?”

“Well, some things happened this morning that upset him, but the problem goes back further than that.” Parker hesitates a minute, then says, “So um, Isaac struggles with….. same-sex attraction.”

“He’s gay,” Alyssa nods unfazed.

“Right, um, I guess? Anyway,” Parker continues, “So it’s been going on…. well I don’t know how long, but he told us when he was 15, so about two years ago. Anyway, he’s been meeting with the bishop every month or so about it and it was all going well, until, he met this guy who he has developed feelings for. He hasn’t acted on them, but he kinda wants to. He’s been really conflicted about it. Especially with prom coming up. So last week he told me that he had a breakthrough. He said he was praying and then he felt warm and good about asking this guy out. He said he felt like it was personal revelation.”

“Then what did you say?” Alyssa interrupts.

“Uh, I didn’t really know what to say, so I just listened.”

“Ok, go on.”

“Anyway, this morning, Isaac met with the bishop again and the bishop said that his prompting wasn’t a prompting because it couldn’t have come from God- that God doesn’t give promptings to disobey commandments.”

“Oh no,” Alyssa says sadly and stops walking.

“Yeah and the bishop also said that if Issac did ask this guy out then the bishop wouldn’t be able to sign his mission papers in a few months. So, Isaac is pretty upset. I guess he brought it up with my parents and they sided with the bishop, so that’s why Isaac was so withdrawn today…… hey, Alyssa….. Alyssa, where are you go-” Parker trails off. Alyssa has abruptly turned around and started walking quickly back towards the house.

She breaks into a jog.

Oh no. Shoot, what is she doing?

He was right to question bringing her today. Parker has listened to enough of Alyssa’s theology to be suspicious of what she might say to Isaac. He just hopes she won’t make everything worse.

Parker starts to jog to catch up, then he slows. Part of him doesn’t want to be there when Alyssa does…. whatever she is about to do.

Oh gosh, if his parents overhear?? He doesn’t want to be anywhere near that situation. He wants to claim ignorance. Everyone is so tense as it is.

His parents will never understand her ideas, he is sure about that. Parker’s walk turns into a snail’s pace.

Finally, he approaches the front door which is wide open. He dreads whatever situation he is about to walk in on.

Thankfully, his parents are both still in the kitchen cleaning up. No sign of Alyssa or Isaac, but Parker is guessing they are in Isaac’s room. A few steps into the hallway confirms Parker’s suspicions. Thank goodness, if Alyssa has kept her voice down, his parents wouldn’t be able to hear her from the kitchen. Not well anyway.

Parker slowly peeks into Isaac’s room. Alyssa is hugging Isaac. In some other scenario this would seem inappropriate, but Parker can see how red Isaac’s eyes are. He knows exactly what Isaac looks like when he is trying not to cry.

It feels weird to interrupt them. Parker feels like an imposter even witnessing this moment. Neither Isaac nor Alyssa seem to notice Parker’s presence in the doorway so he slips out into the hallway leaning against the wall just next to the door to wait for a a better moment to come in.

Parker is standing just close enough to hear Isaac whisper, “What should I do?”

“What do you want to do?” Alyssa asks, not whispering. Parker wishes she would whisper.

“I want to be with him,” Isaac gets out.

“Then be with him. Ask him out.” Alyssa says in a voice that is somehow simultaneously gentle and firm.

“I can’t, you know I can’t.”

“I don’t know that, in fact, I think you can.”

“Alyssa…. it doesn’t really matter what I want.”

“Isaac, I think that’s what matters the very most.” Alyssa says, “whose opinion on your life matters more than your own?”

“God’s.” Isaac says like its obvious.

“And you think God doesn’t want you to date? To fall in love?”

The room is quiet for a long moment until eventually Isaac quietly says, “Not with a boy….. It’s just….. not how He set things up. It’s not natural.”

Alyssa pauses a minute before saying, “So, the only natural way is for a male to be with a female?”

Silence. Parker assumes Isaac is nodding or shrugging.

Alyssa starts back up, “Did you know that over 90% of observed sexual activity among giraffes is gay sex? Did you know that swans are monogamous? They choose partners for life and 30% of them choose someone of their own gender as their life partner? Did you know that when a dolphin seeks out a sexual encounter it is equally likely to be homosexual as it is heterosexual?

If being gay isn’t natural, nature didn’t seem to get the memo. The dolphins don’t sit and wonder what gender God wants them to have sex with, they go after what feels good to them.

‘And on the fifth day God created great whales and every living creature that moveth…. And God saw that it was good.’ (Gen 1:21)

Isaac, what if we pretended you were a dolphin for a minute?”

Isaac laughs.

“Do the dolphins need to repent and feel shame for being exactly what God created them to be?”

“No?”

“Hell no!”

Isaac laughs again and Alyssa says, “And Isaac, Dylan would be freaking lucky to go out with a dolphin like you.”

……………………….

It was nice of Alyssa to cheer Isaac up, but the longer the night goes on, the more annoyance creeps over Parker. This isn’t something as simple as ‘do whatever feels good.’ There are REAL and intense consequences for which road Isaac chooses now. Eternal consequences.

On the drive home Parker finally says what he is thinking, “Alyssa, I heard what you said to Isaac.”

“I thought I saw your head peeking in,” Alyssa says with a smile.

“Alyssa, I just…. I just I don’t know if you should have told Isaac that stuff.”

“What stuff?”

“Alyssa, you basically told him God wants him to sin. This isn’t just a little thing Alyssa- it’s a big deal. There are really big eternal consequences if he follows your advice. He won’t be able to go on a mission. He could be ex-communicated.”

"And there are really big consequences to him thinking he is a mistake for the rest of his life,” Alyssa takes a breath, “Parker, I understand this is a big decision for him. He asked for my advice and I gave it. I didn’t mean to cause any harm. I was trying to prevent what I see as the bigger harm.”

Parker wasn’t really listening. The more they discussed it, the more angry he was becoming. He cuts Alyssa off and says, “And you’re gonna be ok if he loses his temple recommend over this? If he jeopardizes eternal life with his family just so he can go to prom with some guy? You’re gonna be ok with that?”

“Parker, that’s not how I see it.”

“Oh here we go. Another sermon Alyssa? Spare me. You screwed up tonight.”

Alyssa doesn’t argue. The rest of the car ride is spent in icy silence only broken with a “Good night Parker,” from Alyssa when she gets out of his car.

…………………..

A few days later on Tuesday Parker gets a text from his mom asking if he is free for lunch the following day. Apparently his parents will be in Provo and want a “parent/son date.” Parker is immediately skeptical especially since they specified they want to take him out alone. But he doesn’t have any reason to say no, so he replies, “sure thing sounds fun.”

The next day the lunch is normal enough. They chat about how his classes are going, his sister’s soccer season and summer plans. Just as Parker is thinking his skepticism was unwarranted, the real reason for the lunch invitation comes out when they are back at his apartment.

Parker is wondering why they asked if they could come in when his mom says, “Parker, there is something we wanted to discuss with you today. Something important.”

Parker shoots back, “And here I was thinking you just enjoy my company.”

“Parker,” his mom ignores his snarky reply, “Isaac told us what Alyssa said to him on Sunday.”

A long moment of silence stretches out as his mom gives him a knowing stare. Parker decides to feign ignorance. “And what did she tell him?”

“The philosophies of men mingled with scripture,” his dad huffs.

Parker wonders how long he has been sitting on that line.

It’s clear that Parker’s suspicions were spot on about what his parents would think of Alyssa’s spiritual ideas. They are not fans.

“She has him back to thinking that God is the one behind his temptations,” his mom says in a quiet but frustrated tone.

Parker does not want to talk about this.

But his mom isn’t done. “Parker,” she says, “yesterday your father and I fasted all day about the situation and,” she looks over at her husband who nods and finishes her thought for her. “We both received clear impressions that you must break up with Alyssa,” he says.

What.

His mom jumps in to soften the blow, “She’s such a nice girl Parker and very pretty. We can see why you like her. We all really like her, but……. well she’s a fun girl to date, but not to marry,” she finishes rather nervously. “You two seem to be getting serious, so it’s best to cut things off now.”

Parker looks at his parents incredulously. They’ve got to be joking.

His dad makes up for his mom’s lack of confidence by saying, “Her ideas will lead her out of the church eventually. I’ve seen it a hundred times when I was in the bishopric of the singles ward. These days young adults want to do whatever they want,” he throws his hands up in the air, “and call it love. That’s not how it works and that’s not love. The only route to happiness is God’s plan and if you stay with Alyssa, it will not end in happiness.”

Parker’s mom nods and adds, “Your father and I are both clear on that,” in solidarity. “Parker, your father and I love you so much. We want you to be happy. We just want that happiness to be the forever kind.”

Parker can’t look at them any more. He starts pacing, raking his hands through his hair. Rage is coursing through his body. How dare they! This is HIS life they are talking about, not theirs!

He wants to shout a million insults at them. He wants to punch the wall. Instead he just walks out the door without saying a word.

As he leaves he can hear his dad start to say, “Parker, don’t you walk away…” but his mom cuts in, “let him go.”

Parker starts walking towards a park nearby. He is furious with his parents. He kicks a tree in frustration. They crossed a line today. Do they even get to receive revelation on his behalf? That can’t be how it works. He is not a child anymore!

They’re just mad about what she said to Isaac. Come to think of it Parker is still mad at her for that too. Can’t she ever keep her thoughts to herself? Why does she have to be so headstrong and opinionated?

They haven’t seen each other since their fight on Sunday three days ago. He hasn’t reached out and neither has she.

It’s so frustrating that when he is with his girlfriend he has to defend his parents and when he is with his parents he has to defend his girlfriend. He’s mad at everyone right now.

He is on his third lap around the park. As his heart rate lowers and he starts to regulate himself a little bit, a million questions start to flood in. What if his parents are right? What if God does want Parker to break up with Alyssa but because Parker won’t ask, God had to go through his parents? His parents do have more experience receiving revelation than Parker. Every time Parker asks for an answer, he is met with silence.

What would happen if he chooses to keep seeing Alyssa? Will he have to hide the relationship from his parents? Lie to them? Would Alyssa even be welcome in his home anymore?

After what she did to Isaac, probably not. But could he even blame his parents for not wanting her around? When she potentially just broke up their eternal family?

Parker would be more than justified for breaking up with her for that. But then he would be doing exactly what his parents just ordered him to do, and he doesn’t want to do that either!

Ugh! Parker heads back to his apartment, no closer to answers or solace than when he set out.

……………………

The next day Parker is sitting bored in his Doctrine and Covenants class. The topic of the day is eternal marriage.

Yay.

They are watching an old video from 30 years ago about temple marriage. Right now a young couple in dated clothes are staring into each other’s eyes saying how grateful they are that a loving Heavenly Father provided a plan so they can be together forever. And cue the song “Families can be Together Forever.”

Parker’s mind wanders over to his brother Isaac. Where does he fit in this video? He has tried to go on a few dates with girls here and there, but said he never feels attracted to them. He doesn’t feel like its fair to the girls to lead them on. Would he have to marry someone for eternity he feels no attraction towards? Is that fair to either of them? Even if it will eventually all be “fixed” somehow in heaven?

But what’s the alternative? He is alone for the rest of his life? Never falling in love? Never feeling butterflies on a date? Never experiencing a first kiss? Never getting married? Never having a family of his own? Dying alone?

Two really, really terrible life options Parker realizes.

Parker does want Isaac to date someone he is attracted to. But then, would that jeopardize their eternal family? Would Isaac live separate from the rest of his family? Forever?

Parker doesn’t know what to think. About anything.

……………………

Parker makes it through the rest of his day of classes in a daze. He feels numb and tired of ….. everything.

That night he kneels beside his bed and prays, “Dear Heavenly Father….. help me. Please. I feel so confused. Did my parents receive a prompting that I need to break up with Alyssa? Do I need to break up with Alyssa?”

Parker waits in silence. It stretches so long his knees start getting indentations from the carpet. He is straining every inch of him, every neuron to feel…. something….. anything…. but…… nothing.

He tries again, “Can Isaac date that guy? Is that…… ok?” Again, the silence, the straining. And again, nothing.

Eventually one thought does come, but he isn’t sure if it is coming from God or his own brain. The thought says, “what do YOU think?”

Parker doesn’t know what he thinks.

He gets into bed and tries to sleep.

………………………

The next day Parker wakes up. He doesn’t have any great epiphanies about what to do or think, but he does know one thing: he wants to see Alyssa.

He texts her and tells her he is sorry and asks if she wants to hang out today.

She says she would like that.

Things are a little awkward as they make spaghetti together at his apartment. Their connection has taken a hit from the fight. Their conversation mostly centers on the meal and surface level stuff, but by the time dinner is over they are starting to find their groove again.

Despite the past four days, Alyssa is still Parker’s closest friend and he would really like to pick her brain.

“Hey can I ask you something kinda personal?” Parker starts out.

“Sure, I’m an open book,” Alyssa responds.

“Um, how do you get answers to your prayers? Usually?”

“Oh, that flavor of personal, I thought you were about to ask me my tampon preference or something.”

Parker laughs. “Why on earth would I want to know that?”

“I dunno, care package?”

“Well fine. What brand of tampon do you prefer?”

“Trick question. I use a menstrual cup.”

“Plot twist.”

“My future care package thanks you for your curiosity.”

“Anytime.”

“So, prayers, huh?”

“Yes, prayers.”

“Can I ask why you ask?”

“Well…. I don’t know I just feel like every time I ask for inspiration or an answer to a question I just get…. nothing. Like radio silence. And if our history of spiritual conversations has taught me anything, it’s that you probably have some sort of interesting take on the matter.”

“Aw you flatter me Parker. Ok, let me think about it for a minute.”

Parker nods and stares at her while she stares out the window.

After a while she says, “Ok, so for me, when I have a question, I’m less like an interviewer asking someone in outer space for an answer and more like I’m an explorer. I put on my explorer boots and try to excavate what is lurking already in my own heart.”

“Right,” Parker nods like he should have known, “Because for you God is more internal than external. You’ve mentioned that.”

“Yep. The answers are typically waiting inside me all along. Just waiting to be discovered. I’m like Moana.”

“And the call isn’t out there at all. It’s inside me.”

“Whoa. Your Moana lyric recall is…. truly inspirational.”

“I know.”

“So hot.”

“Thank you.”

Typically Alyssa offers her spiritual ideas without provocation and Parker isn’t always in the mood to hear them, but this time was different. He really wanted to understand.

He tries again. “But how can you be sure you’re right? Like about….. anything? A specific what should I do? Or even like about the gospel? How do you trust that you know better than the church?”

“I don’t. Not always. I never know things like for sure, for sure, but that’s not my goal. It’s just a lot of experimentation and then finding what thoughts and actions feel sparkly and warm to me.”

“Sparkly and warm. I’m taking notes. And as for church stuff?”

“As for the church, certain things just never made sense to me- polygamy for example or that being gay is a sin or this obsession we have of God being disappointed in us or punishing us- that stuff makes no sense to either my head or my heart. I have to give myself permission to reject what feels like the opposite of love.

On my mission I got really confused about rules and certain doctrines and what was true and what was right, so I’ve developed a two question system I put everything through. The two questions are: 1. Does it feel like love? and 2. What are its fruits?”

“And if it doesn’t feel like love and its fruit is rotten, you reject it.”

“You got it.”

“I’m with you. I just…. I don’t know if I could ever really be comfortable with disagreeing with the brethren.”

“I get that.”

They both sit with their own thoughts for a minute when Alyssa continues, “There’s this Rumi poem I like quite a lot. It goes

‘Lo I am with you always means when you look for God,
God is in the look of your eyes,
in the thought of looking, nearer to you than yourself,
or things that have happened to you
There’s no need to go outside.’

I think of that a lot. Why would I need to pass through someone else’s eyes to find out what God thinks? When I have God right here in the look of my own eyes?”

“Hm yeah, I like that.” They sit there for a moment at his table in silence until Parker says, “Hey not to rob Rumi of his moment in the sun, but I kinda have something else to tell you.”

“I think Rumi understands, what’s up?”

“So…. my parents came down yesterday to have lunch with me.”

“Lovely. And how are Carolyn and Dave?”

“Eh. They’ve been better. They’re not….. super happy with what you told Isaac on Sunday.”

“Ah,” Alyssa nods.

“Aaaaand they think we should break up. Like, they asked outer space a question and came back with the answer that we need to break up.”

“I knew outer space had it out for me.”

“Ye-ah.”

“They think I’m nothing but trouble?”

“Pretty much.”

“And what do you think?”

“Honestly Alyssa, I don’t know what to think. Like, about anything.”

“Hence the prayer questions?”

“Yeah.”

They both sit there for a minute until Parker says, “You probably hate my parents now? It’s ok, I kinda do too.”

“Oh no, I don’t hate them Parker,” Alyssa says shaking her head. “No, I’m very fond of both of them.”

“At the very least it’s ok to question their parenting abilities.”

“I don’t know. If I had a son. Or sons actually. If I had sons whom I birthed and raised and loved with my whole entire heart. And then if I really and truly and honestly believed that my ability to live with them forever was in jeopardy?? No question- I would pull out all the stops. Red alert. Sound the alarms. I would do anything to stop that eternal separation from happening. So no, I don’t think they are bad people or bad parents. I just think they’ve been handed bad information. But I don’t blame them.”

“Wow. This week I’ve been so frustrated with both you and my parents, and now somehow I feel so fond of both?? How did you do that? What kind of witch doctor are you?”

Alyssa smiles. “I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you.”

Parker smirks and says, “Hey, I have a crazy idea…..”

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