I'm a feminist and I think it's harder to be a man than a woman.
Systemically women have it worse, but behaviorally, men are more limited.
When men say it is hard to be a man, I fully believe them.
I think it is very, very hard to be a man.
Perhaps since I write an essay about patriarchy each week, you may think I’m saying that in a sarcastic voice “Oh it’s SOOoooOO hard to have society built just for you1 and have all the power in government, business and religion for *checks watch* all of recorded history.2 Boo hoo. Sad violins for you.”
But I’m not being sarcastic.
Very earnestly I believe that despite greater access to power and resources, the box labeled “socially acceptable ways to be a man” is much smaller than the box labeled “socially acceptable ways to be a woman.”
Men’s behavior is limited to the masculine, but women have access to both masculine and feminine behavior.
I’m going to paint with broad strokes here with obvious exceptions, but in generalized terms of social acceptability:
Women can be strong, but men can’t be weak.
Women can wear blue, but men can’t wear pink.
Girls can have boy names, but boys can’t have girl names.
Women can be executives, but men can’t be homemakers.
Girls can play basketball, but boys can’t do ballet.
Women read books by men, but men don’t read books by women.
Little girls can play with trucks and dinosaurs, but little boys can’t play with dolls.
Women can lift weights, but men don’t do pilates.
Women can like action movies, but men can’t like chick flicks.
Women can act tough and assertive, but men can’t act soft and submissive.
Women have access to the whole range of human behavior; men only have access to the masculine.3
(And yes, blurring the gender binary makes everything better for everyone.)
Why is this?
Do you have a guess? I’ll give you a clue. Starts with a p. Rhymes with schmatriarchy.
It is because with live in a system that values and rewards all things man.
Men have more power, but are more limited in how they can act.
Speaking on this predicament of patriarchy harming men,
recently quoted researcher Michael Kimmel who said,“Men are in power as a group but do not feel power as individuals.. Men were raised to believe themselves entitled to feel that power, but do not feel it. No wonder men are frustrated and angry...
Failure to embody the rules of manhood is a source of men's confusion and pain... it is unrealizable for any man. But we keep trying, vainly, to measure up. American masculinity is a relentless test."
Thomas Page McBee speaks to this juxtaposition of men having more power but less connection in his book Amateur.
Thomas is a trans man. Since transitioning he has noticed that when he speaks, everyone is quiet. No one interrupts him anymore. He says, “It was wonderful and weird. Until I was a man, I had no idea how good men have it at work.”
But there are downsides. A year after his transition Thomas lost his mother. He didn’t realize how much he needed human touch until it disappeared from his life. No one hugged him anymore. He could go months without anyone touching him. This was a foreign experience to Thomas.
He says he has become hyper aware of both how acceptable his anger is, and how unacceptable his sadness is. The people in his life- men and women alike- are visibly uncomfortable when he cries.
He misses the deep friendships that came easily as a woman.
It's hard to make friends when all the ingredients necessary to friendship--vulnerability, compassion and thoughtfulness-- are seen as a threat to masculinity.
Recently
interviewed about his experience of performing masculinity. Of his teenage years he said,“I couldn't admit that I wanted to be closer with my friends. That would mean I was 'soft,' 'girly,' or 'gay.' I had to act stoic, like everything was fine, even if I was starving for love and connection inside."
Jeremy and Thomas are far from the only men having trouble with connection. Male loneliness is being called an epidemic. Psychologist Nick Norman describes the problem in this way:
"Men have often reported having fewer friends and social connections to rely on, with 15 percent saying they have no close friends at all. Yet, when surveyed, men often report wanting more fulfilling relationships. What is keeping men from these connections when it’s such a fundamental need?... the issue lies in the unspoken rules men are handed in boyhood."
The unspoken rule #1? You are not allowed to act like a girl.
Unfortunately friendships, relationships and human connection require all sorts of girly things like empathy, showing emotion, being vulnerable and active listening.
Men report wanting more fulfilling relationships, but they have been barred from the behaviors that fulfilling relationships require.
“Learning to wear a mask is the first lesson in patriarchal masculinity a boy learns. He learns that his core feelings cannot be expressed if they do not conform to the acceptable behaviors sexism defines as male. Asked to give up the true self in order to realize the patriarchal ideal, boys learn self-betrayal early and are rewarded for these acts of soul murder.” - bell hooks the will to change
If men are in charge like patriarchy says, why are men suffering so much?
Many take the fact that it is difficult to be a man to mean that patriarchy is not real—
Men are the victims of society, so how could they be the instigators of their own victimhood? It makes no sense. If men set this system up to favor men, wouldn’t men be thriving? If patriarchy is real, why are men suffering?
Great question. I’m going to let the brilliant creator and thinker Cyzor4 cover this one.
He received a message complete with two pages of documentation showing that men are the real victims (more suicide, more likely to be victims of crime, more likely to be charged “guilty” in court, etc) so all this whining about patriarchy is bullshit.
Here is Cyzor’s response:
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“Men are more likely to die by homicide. Men are more likely to be victims of crime. Men are also more likely to COMMIT all of those crimes. 72% of crimes are done by men. Men are the victims of other men.
Men are discriminated in universities, that are run by men. Men are going to jail longer in a justice system, that is run by men. Bro. You are mad at the same structure that women are trying to get rid of.
If you are complaining about court policies, social expectations, crime- bro - you are complaining about the patriarchy.” - Cyzor
Men suffer under patriarchy because patriarchy is a system set up by a few men over everyone else- including most men. It is a system that allows for the most greedy, aggressive and selfish to rise to the top and dominate over everyone else.
DNA scientists have discovered that 8000 years ago on average only one man passed on his DNA for every 17 women. Not just in one place, but as a global average. The majority of men were not procreating. Not because there was a mass death of males, but because only a few men accumulated wealth, power and women and withheld resources from the rest.
A small minority of men were allowed to rule and make life worse for everyone else- men and women alike.
We often hear that patriarchy hurts men too, but how many men actually believe this?
All too often, once the p word enters the chat, defenses are raised, conversations are ended.
But Cyzor, no stranger to patriarchy pushback, also helped me to understand why it is that so many men shut down and become defensive when patriarchy is brought up when he said,
“I criticize those aspects of masculinity that I don’t think are healthy for men and if you’ve internalized those aspects of masculinity as being part of you, it’s going to feel like I am criticizing you.”
Society trains men to put manhood at the very center of their identity. When we talk about patriarchy, we talk about those things which men have built their identities and lives around. Of course they are defensive. It feels like an attack.
But we have to stop conflating patriarchy and men.
Our ability to have really important conversations relies on our ability to make this distinction.
So often those of us who bring up patriarchy and those who shut it down are on the same side. We want the same things. We want life to be better for men.
We must make room for the reality that we talk about patriarchy not because we hate men. We talk about patriarchy because we love men.
We have/are sons, husbands, fathers, brothers, friends. And we see the small box patriarchy has handed to men.
To #smashthepatriarchy is not to smash men- it is to smash this system that makes men miserable. Smash the too-small box that is making men lonely and sick and estranged from the full range of their humanity.
I’ll echo the words of Cyzor to close us out today:
"I want men to succeed. I envision a world where men are allowed to experience the full range of human emotion, where they are not shamed for crying or being vulnerable, where they are not shamed if they are not physically tall or strong or rich… where men can have real emotional connection to one another, have a real support system with people who lift them up and help them when they are down, where men aren't under the impression that masculinity means experiencing the trials of life by yourself."
Amen.
It IS hard to be a man. It is very hard.
It would be a whole lot easier without patriarchy.
If you’re white
If you’re white
Yes there is some social stigma and repercussions for women acting masculine (in the dating pool, at work), but not to the extent of the social punishment for men acting feminine.
Follow him immediately. His videos are so healing.
This is why I continue to champion the dismantling of patriarchy. I will showcase what accessing feminine traits looks like. I will continue to teach how patriarchy impacts and limits men. I will continue to support lgbtq+ rights who exemplify broader expressions of the gender spectrum.
Absolutely! Thanks for the tiktok repost - he nails it. When I taught Women's Lit I brought in a bunch of my male colleagues to explain their experience with masculinity. Football coach, older teachers, younger ones - we all changed that day when they started sharing things they had NEVER told anyone. The loneliness, lack of touch and constant pressure to PROVE they were actually men were heartbreaking. It does suck to be a woman but I get to just be one, I don't have to step up and BE a man in the same way that men have to do in the US. One book that really helped me teach my course was For the Love of Men by Liz Plank. Very curious to see the comments on this great essay!