“I’m afraid of finding that I am stuck in patriarchy and becoming unsatisfied with everything in my life.”
Come on in! The water's fine.
For years, I believed feminism was a bottomless pit of rage—dangerous, destructive, and best avoided.
Why would I want to be angry all the time?
No thanks.
Before I left Mormonism, I used to look at ex-Mormons with pity and disgust. All they ever did was criticize and complain. They were so bitter and full of hatred. I never, ever wanted to be like them.
I looked at feminism the exact same way.
Learning about patriarchy seemed like a slippery slope leading straight into a pit of endless dissatisfaction.
Sure, I noticed things about gender roles that upset me—the labor inequality in most of the marriages I saw for instance—but I thought if I let myself “go there”—read the patriarchy books, listen to the feminist podcasts—that would be dipping my toe into a pit that would swallow me whole.
Hard pass.
Maybe it’s due to my religious background, but I encounter this same fear pretty often.
When I recommended a book to a friend, she replied, “I know I would agree with this book, but I also know it would make me angry and I don’t want to be angry. I don’t want to hate my husband.”
Recently in a conversation with another friend, she expressed her support of my work but admitted she couldn’t read my articles1. She texted, “I’m afraid of finding that I am stuck in patriarchy and then becoming unsatisfied with everything in my life.”
Fair enough. I get it.
I’m not going to try to convince anyone to jump into something they have no desire to jump into, but I do wish I could tell my former self that the anger pit is not as scary as I thought.
And I’m very glad I jumped in.
This past Sunday our Women’s Circle met and our discussion topic was anger.
One woman told a story of growing up with her father’s abuse and her mother’s passivity. In her family she said, “If you weren’t angry, you weren’t safe.”
Boom. That immediately struck a chord.
Anger is the appropriate response to injustice. If you cut yourself off from it, you risk finding yourself stuck in unjust situations.
Not learning about patriarchy didn’t shield me from anger, it just kept me suppressing it. My suppressed anger always squished out sideways. Usually by way of resentment. Other times in passive aggression or manipulation.
The very first time I went to therapy was in 2018. My main purpose in going was for someone to tell me how to get rid of my anger. I had met my match in deconstructing Mormonism. I was so angry, but I hated being angry. It was foreign and uncomfortable to me.
I so badly wanted to be zen, carefree, at peace. I thought there must be something wrong with me that I was angry. I wanted my therapist to tell me how to exile my anger.
But she didn’t.
Instead, she told me to invite my anger in. Befriend it. Ask it what it wishes me to know. Study it. When does it arise? How does it feel? Are there patterns? What is it here to teach me?
I learned that patriarchy made me angry.
Instead of helping me build more fences around it, my therapist told me to jump in the pit.
So I did.
And I was happy to discover, it didn’t swallow me in the darkness forever. When I went in and shone a flashlight around, I found the pit had edges, walls, contours, history.
I started to understand how we got here. I started to see the structural strings attached to patriarchy that I was blind to before I jumped in.
And understanding the strings made me less angry. It made me understand that we are all in this together.
I have also found such good company in the pit. For centuries women have been exploring this pit of patriarchy and documenting their discoveries.
I found such solace reading Christine de Pizan’s words from the 1400s when she trusted her own intuition about women instead of believing the words of every priest, prophet, philosopher and poet she read.
Mary Wollestonecraft taking on Jean-Jacques Rousseau, Virginia Woolf and her own room, Catherine Perkin Gilman’s feeling trapped in yellow wallpaper, bell hooks— I have found my people in the pit.
Yes there has been anger. Yes there has been dissatisfaction.
But there has also been clarity, understanding, discovery, solace, company and compassion to be found in the pit.
I’m happy to be here. How about you?
Was there ever a truth you feared to learn because of what it might unravel? Did you step toward it anyway? How has it been?
Do you enjoy thinking about and discussing all things patriarchy and feminism?? Cool me too. Come discuss with me and the Matriarchal Blessing community by becoming a paying subscriber. Our next gathering will be April 27 when we will be discussing Hood Feminism by Mikki Kendall at 1:00pm PT.
Alternatively, you could also just pay me for my work just cause, that is also very cool and very appreciated! Thank you!
If you know me in real life, this is NOT a nudge to read my articles. My preferred audience is strangers on the internet.
I resonate with this. What women need to know is that “the pit” of anger isn’t the final destination. It’s the scary place that the heroine has to navigate in order to move to a new and better place. I’m recently divorced in middle age and the past couple of years since I decided to explore “the pit” have not been easy…escaping from an abusive marriage in a red state saturated in patriarchal dysfunction. But this morning I woke up to the sound of birdsong in my own bed, under my grandmother’s quilt, the sun is shining and I’m well rested. My daughter and our dear old dog are both peacefully asleep in our little home. There’s something better on the other side of our anger, and the only way to get there is THROUGH.
I was afraid I’d lose my faith if I went to therapy - I probably knew deep down that my religion was at the root of my struggles. And I did! But there couldn’t be freedom without honesty. Then I worried that continuing to dig into patriarchy/ systems of oppression would convince me to leave my family. But I learned that my partner and i can change patterns, question the dominant narrative, and rework our life to promote our mutual flourishing without throwing all of it away.