I resonate with this. What women need to know is that “the pit” of anger isn’t the final destination. It’s the scary place that the heroine has to navigate in order to move to a new and better place. I’m recently divorced in middle age and the past couple of years since I decided to explore “the pit” have not been easy…escaping from an abusive marriage in a red state saturated in patriarchal dysfunction. But this morning I woke up to the sound of birdsong in my own bed, under my grandmother’s quilt, the sun is shining and I’m well rested. My daughter and our dear old dog are both peacefully asleep in our little home. There’s something better on the other side of our anger, and the only way to get there is THROUGH.
I was afraid I’d lose my faith if I went to therapy - I probably knew deep down that my religion was at the root of my struggles. And I did! But there couldn’t be freedom without honesty. Then I worried that continuing to dig into patriarchy/ systems of oppression would convince me to leave my family. But I learned that my partner and i can change patterns, question the dominant narrative, and rework our life to promote our mutual flourishing without throwing all of it away.
I was afraid I’d get diagnosed with a personality disorder if I went to therapy. (I wasn't. My therapist told me that diagnosing mostly functional people with personality disorders is kind of out of vogue for the most part anyway, apparently.)
I was afraid everything would unravel if I confronted what was making sex in my marriage so difficult and challenging to enjoy and causing so much heartbreak between us. I finally felt this pull at my heart to be brave and go inward to see what was happening and a lot DID unravel. Many of my worldviews crumbled over the years following. I’m still working through so many of them. And I personally would rather move forward with the discomfort and unknown than go back to the resentment, held in anger, and self betrayal. But I understand why people avoid confronting certain things like patriarchy. It’s like they can sense “this will change things and I have no idea what will come of this!” And the uncertainty of it all can be too much to bear for some at times.
Hi! I’m a stranger on the internet. Nice to meet ya. I hear the truth in all of this. So good. At 76 I can see how patriarchy is in the water we’ve been drinking our whole lives. I’m in a very loving marriage, equal in many ways but I have the cell memory of frustration and yes anger of systemic disenfranchisement. I am mostly struck today by your brilliant help around the repression of emotions, especially anger. Thank you.
I was afraid to know what or who I would be without anorexia. A good therapist helped me find out what I was getting out of it and what I thought I was compensating for, and somehow that defused the darkness and fear I’d lived in for so long. Now I can experience freedom and happiness that feel genuine. Nb it took decades before I was ready to look squarely at things and do this work, and it’s also a bit of a process, but it’s been invaluable
Anger is our friend. It signals to us, something is wrong. I was so afraid if I touched into my anger it would turn into a rage fire and burn everything down. As I worked with my somatic practitioner, I discovered a deep layer of grief. As I’ve learned to grieve by creating containers of time where I allow myself to grieve (grief altar) my joy increased and I was/am able to access my anger better from a more grounded place. Also, I watched my mother who was full of internalized patriarchy, anger, trauma, rage never face her anger; I learned what not to do. Her rage came out sideways. She was full of resentment and that made her body very sick. She died without ever healing or seeking help❤️🩹 she believed she could just pray it all away.
I feared my entire life would unravel a few years ago if I left my relationship of over 10 years when I began to more clearly see the cycles I was unconsciously perpetuating with my son's father. It did unravel. And it was painful. But the new life I built outside that old patriarchal cage is much more honest and free. Eventually, my son's father was able to see that and decided to join me outside the cage. In fact, he bragged to me when I woke up this morning that he'd already read this lol
I found that it was far more terrifying to stand on the edge of the cliff than to climb down in. I couldn’t stand on the edge anymore.
I was afraid of learning how to be a real adult. Patriarchy kept me helpless and childlike. I’m still learning how to be an adult. Still reclaiming parts of myself that haven’t yet grown up.
When I lived in the US a while back, I also tried therapy. After I had talked about some structurally negative things that had happened to me in the past, my therapist said 'I would like you to consider something, even if it may seem strange to you. Are you by any chance... angry about any of this?' My reply of 'of course, isn't that normal?' seemed to strike him as odd.
I have found that some people (often men, but not always) are confused when they realise that I am furious about something, but nevertheless able to argue calmly and rationally. Some people think anger is automatically linked to fury and loud outbursts, when it can actually be a source of energy for action. (Of course, sometimes I cannot channel my anger into energy; but at least I *try* to do so as often as I can.)
So yeah, I am an active member of the pit:-), and what you say about finding strength in reading accounts from women in many parts of the past totally resonates.
Anger, like other emotions, is our friend. Just like sadness and happiness, it helps us understand what we value.
I've learned via *lots* of therapy and also in the Women's Circle that anger has information we need. If we don't learn what our anger is telling us and/or we don't deal with it, then the anger finds a path to express itself. It might come out as wacko flashpoint anger disproportionate to the situation at hand. It might affect our physical health. It might express itself in a lot of different ways. My personal work has a strong component of learning to recognize my anger much sooner so I can choose better ways of processing it and making changes.
Being outwardly perfect all the time must be exhausting. I would find that more of a burden than paying attention to my anger.
I was sure that if I agreed to sit with the questions, everything might topple. Spoiler alert, many things did topple. But they so desperately needed to. And under the rubble, I found myself…my scared, aware, angry, beautiful self whom I now love! So glad I leaned in.
This essay touched me. There is so much denial out there, as well as suppression. The new pop culture term that keeps popping up in discussions is “Pick Me Girls,” who will think and act to win favor with men. Many times sacrificing their own (and other women) freedoms or dignity. I’ve been there. I recognize it now and regret those actions. I hope other women figure it out sooner. Your writing helps!
You ask great provocative questions at the end of your pieces. Interestingly, I decided not to go to law school because I didn't want to always HAVE to be fighting. And besides, I was a journalist from the day I was born. What I didn't count on was that I would have to fight anyway, just to be treated with dignity, as an intelligent and outspoken queer woman. Also, part of what we are fighting for is not to be dismissed or labeled crazy when we point out that we're angry because of the patriarchy. The name of my substack - You're Overthinking It - is from a conversation I had with an older "mentor' journalist when I was at Nevada Public Radio, and I pointed out how a journalist from another publication had used the full titles in the men quoted in his piece, and not the full title of the female attorney opposing those men. It was a subtle diss. This old journalist - who I had grown up watching on TV and was a hero - literally waved his hand dismissively, smiled as if he were talking to a child, and said, "You've overthinking it."
Grrr. I used to work in a research library that got a bunch of Silicon Valley materials. Caption: "(name of male), (name of male), (name of male), woman." Seriously? I complained ... to one of the right people, as it happened.
I fear it's not enough to individually surface these inequities - there isn't enough change happening. Too many men still don't want to hear it, don't want to do better. Of course, many men do become aware and do better. I applaud men with those behaviors and am so thrilled to be on the same team with them. But there's not enough change yet.
I keep wondering if we should flip the scripts: use women's titles, but not men's titles; talk only about what men are wearing while talking about the substance of what woman are saying, etc. Chanel Miller put it beautifully: when a guy rapes her while she's unconscious ... the news reported that he was a swimmer that aspired to the olympics. Maybe they should report on the hopes and dreams of the victims and only refer to the male's name and "suspect." Etc. etc. etc.
My father has always commented on how pretty women are on TV. Or how big their breasts are. He's a problematic man. One time, he said something in front of my then wife. A few minutes later, a man walked on screen and she said, "Wow, look at that package!" My father was so confused, in so many different ways. I had to run out of the room, I was laughing so hard.
NZ media used to refer to our former PM by her first freaking name all the time - “Jacinda”. Drove me up the wall with the infantilisation. The current male PM is *of course* usually referred to as “Prime Minister Chris Luxon”. Fuck those guys.
Thank you for your insightful and beautifully written post. I’d been wondering about the root of my unease, stirred by so many posts these past mornings about injustice and the political changes unfolding—ones that reach even us in the ‘colonies.’ I’ve been falling into the trap you mention—the anger pit.
At first, I thought I should avoid these writings in the morning, as they upset me and sparked tension in my relationships. But I see my anger, slowly slipping out, is justified and is providing me with guidance.
It’s striking to realize I’ve been slipping back into a ‘mould’ of expected behaviour, shaped by the changes in my life and the pressures now touching my family. This internal conflict has been rising, as my own writing challenges expected modes of decorum in visualisations of women’s bodies in art, yet it’s so hard to maintain harmony with a young family when many things feel like they must be contested.
Great piece, but I have to say, I love your footnote, too: "My preferred audience is strangers on the internet." I also love to know that people I know are reading my work, and it touches me when they respond, but writers want their words to go further. That's why we bother to put this stuff out there and why I mute those people who post about how "they don't care" that no one is reading their work. Of course they do; if they didn't, they wouldn't post about it and try to get more readers!
This resonates with me so much. I just saw the Book of Mormon musical tonight and as an ex-mo, the song “turn it off” makes me laugh so freaking hard because there is truly nothing more Mormon than turning off every negative emotion, especially anger, and especially if you’re a woman. I still get pushback sometimes from family members who have left the church but —because of that deep cultural conditioning — still want me to “turn it off” with the critiques of patriarchy, the church, capitalism, etc. and the anger I sometimes feel because of it. I feel more liberated and more “myself” than ever before and I feel like the deconstruction is worth the pain, but I also feel incredibly judged for it. I’d love to hear your thoughts on why it’s worth it and how to approach that tension with people who view jumping into the pit as if you’re “choosing to dwell on negative things” and adopting a “victim mindset.”
I wonder if you can say something like this: Pretending negative things don't exist doesn't make the world a fairer place - it makes it less fair, because you are refusing to participate in making it more just. Do you think the downtrodden can dwell only on the positive things? Do you think they should? Or should we all pitch in for a more just world for everyone?
I resonate with this. What women need to know is that “the pit” of anger isn’t the final destination. It’s the scary place that the heroine has to navigate in order to move to a new and better place. I’m recently divorced in middle age and the past couple of years since I decided to explore “the pit” have not been easy…escaping from an abusive marriage in a red state saturated in patriarchal dysfunction. But this morning I woke up to the sound of birdsong in my own bed, under my grandmother’s quilt, the sun is shining and I’m well rested. My daughter and our dear old dog are both peacefully asleep in our little home. There’s something better on the other side of our anger, and the only way to get there is THROUGH.
Beautiful 🦋
Yes a resounding Yes!!!🥰
I was afraid I’d lose my faith if I went to therapy - I probably knew deep down that my religion was at the root of my struggles. And I did! But there couldn’t be freedom without honesty. Then I worried that continuing to dig into patriarchy/ systems of oppression would convince me to leave my family. But I learned that my partner and i can change patterns, question the dominant narrative, and rework our life to promote our mutual flourishing without throwing all of it away.
I was afraid I’d get diagnosed with a personality disorder if I went to therapy. (I wasn't. My therapist told me that diagnosing mostly functional people with personality disorders is kind of out of vogue for the most part anyway, apparently.)
That is very smart of you and your partner. It sounds like both of you care for the well-being of the other, which is great.
I was afraid everything would unravel if I confronted what was making sex in my marriage so difficult and challenging to enjoy and causing so much heartbreak between us. I finally felt this pull at my heart to be brave and go inward to see what was happening and a lot DID unravel. Many of my worldviews crumbled over the years following. I’m still working through so many of them. And I personally would rather move forward with the discomfort and unknown than go back to the resentment, held in anger, and self betrayal. But I understand why people avoid confronting certain things like patriarchy. It’s like they can sense “this will change things and I have no idea what will come of this!” And the uncertainty of it all can be too much to bear for some at times.
Really well said😭
Sending you HUGS. Love your honest take on this. Resonates a lot with me and I can understand too why people are afraid to "go there".
Hi! I’m a stranger on the internet. Nice to meet ya. I hear the truth in all of this. So good. At 76 I can see how patriarchy is in the water we’ve been drinking our whole lives. I’m in a very loving marriage, equal in many ways but I have the cell memory of frustration and yes anger of systemic disenfranchisement. I am mostly struck today by your brilliant help around the repression of emotions, especially anger. Thank you.
“the cell memory of frustration” is SO real
I was afraid to know what or who I would be without anorexia. A good therapist helped me find out what I was getting out of it and what I thought I was compensating for, and somehow that defused the darkness and fear I’d lived in for so long. Now I can experience freedom and happiness that feel genuine. Nb it took decades before I was ready to look squarely at things and do this work, and it’s also a bit of a process, but it’s been invaluable
Anger is our friend. It signals to us, something is wrong. I was so afraid if I touched into my anger it would turn into a rage fire and burn everything down. As I worked with my somatic practitioner, I discovered a deep layer of grief. As I’ve learned to grieve by creating containers of time where I allow myself to grieve (grief altar) my joy increased and I was/am able to access my anger better from a more grounded place. Also, I watched my mother who was full of internalized patriarchy, anger, trauma, rage never face her anger; I learned what not to do. Her rage came out sideways. She was full of resentment and that made her body very sick. She died without ever healing or seeking help❤️🩹 she believed she could just pray it all away.
Heartbreaking about your mother. But cycle breaking and inspiring how you're creating something entirely different
I feared my entire life would unravel a few years ago if I left my relationship of over 10 years when I began to more clearly see the cycles I was unconsciously perpetuating with my son's father. It did unravel. And it was painful. But the new life I built outside that old patriarchal cage is much more honest and free. Eventually, my son's father was able to see that and decided to join me outside the cage. In fact, he bragged to me when I woke up this morning that he'd already read this lol
This is wonderful! And I hope your son is able to be less influenced by the patriarchy as well!
I found that it was far more terrifying to stand on the edge of the cliff than to climb down in. I couldn’t stand on the edge anymore.
I was afraid of learning how to be a real adult. Patriarchy kept me helpless and childlike. I’m still learning how to be an adult. Still reclaiming parts of myself that haven’t yet grown up.
When I lived in the US a while back, I also tried therapy. After I had talked about some structurally negative things that had happened to me in the past, my therapist said 'I would like you to consider something, even if it may seem strange to you. Are you by any chance... angry about any of this?' My reply of 'of course, isn't that normal?' seemed to strike him as odd.
I have found that some people (often men, but not always) are confused when they realise that I am furious about something, but nevertheless able to argue calmly and rationally. Some people think anger is automatically linked to fury and loud outbursts, when it can actually be a source of energy for action. (Of course, sometimes I cannot channel my anger into energy; but at least I *try* to do so as often as I can.)
So yeah, I am an active member of the pit:-), and what you say about finding strength in reading accounts from women in many parts of the past totally resonates.
Anger, like other emotions, is our friend. Just like sadness and happiness, it helps us understand what we value.
I've learned via *lots* of therapy and also in the Women's Circle that anger has information we need. If we don't learn what our anger is telling us and/or we don't deal with it, then the anger finds a path to express itself. It might come out as wacko flashpoint anger disproportionate to the situation at hand. It might affect our physical health. It might express itself in a lot of different ways. My personal work has a strong component of learning to recognize my anger much sooner so I can choose better ways of processing it and making changes.
Being outwardly perfect all the time must be exhausting. I would find that more of a burden than paying attention to my anger.
I was sure that if I agreed to sit with the questions, everything might topple. Spoiler alert, many things did topple. But they so desperately needed to. And under the rubble, I found myself…my scared, aware, angry, beautiful self whom I now love! So glad I leaned in.
This essay touched me. There is so much denial out there, as well as suppression. The new pop culture term that keeps popping up in discussions is “Pick Me Girls,” who will think and act to win favor with men. Many times sacrificing their own (and other women) freedoms or dignity. I’ve been there. I recognize it now and regret those actions. I hope other women figure it out sooner. Your writing helps!
You ask great provocative questions at the end of your pieces. Interestingly, I decided not to go to law school because I didn't want to always HAVE to be fighting. And besides, I was a journalist from the day I was born. What I didn't count on was that I would have to fight anyway, just to be treated with dignity, as an intelligent and outspoken queer woman. Also, part of what we are fighting for is not to be dismissed or labeled crazy when we point out that we're angry because of the patriarchy. The name of my substack - You're Overthinking It - is from a conversation I had with an older "mentor' journalist when I was at Nevada Public Radio, and I pointed out how a journalist from another publication had used the full titles in the men quoted in his piece, and not the full title of the female attorney opposing those men. It was a subtle diss. This old journalist - who I had grown up watching on TV and was a hero - literally waved his hand dismissively, smiled as if he were talking to a child, and said, "You've overthinking it."
Grrr. I used to work in a research library that got a bunch of Silicon Valley materials. Caption: "(name of male), (name of male), (name of male), woman." Seriously? I complained ... to one of the right people, as it happened.
I fear it's not enough to individually surface these inequities - there isn't enough change happening. Too many men still don't want to hear it, don't want to do better. Of course, many men do become aware and do better. I applaud men with those behaviors and am so thrilled to be on the same team with them. But there's not enough change yet.
I keep wondering if we should flip the scripts: use women's titles, but not men's titles; talk only about what men are wearing while talking about the substance of what woman are saying, etc. Chanel Miller put it beautifully: when a guy rapes her while she's unconscious ... the news reported that he was a swimmer that aspired to the olympics. Maybe they should report on the hopes and dreams of the victims and only refer to the male's name and "suspect." Etc. etc. etc.
My father has always commented on how pretty women are on TV. Or how big their breasts are. He's a problematic man. One time, he said something in front of my then wife. A few minutes later, a man walked on screen and she said, "Wow, look at that package!" My father was so confused, in so many different ways. I had to run out of the room, I was laughing so hard.
This made my day 🤣
That judgment “you’re overthinking it” resonates. I think it means we’re on a values-driven track.
NZ media used to refer to our former PM by her first freaking name all the time - “Jacinda”. Drove me up the wall with the infantilisation. The current male PM is *of course* usually referred to as “Prime Minister Chris Luxon”. Fuck those guys.
Thank you for your insightful and beautifully written post. I’d been wondering about the root of my unease, stirred by so many posts these past mornings about injustice and the political changes unfolding—ones that reach even us in the ‘colonies.’ I’ve been falling into the trap you mention—the anger pit.
At first, I thought I should avoid these writings in the morning, as they upset me and sparked tension in my relationships. But I see my anger, slowly slipping out, is justified and is providing me with guidance.
It’s striking to realize I’ve been slipping back into a ‘mould’ of expected behaviour, shaped by the changes in my life and the pressures now touching my family. This internal conflict has been rising, as my own writing challenges expected modes of decorum in visualisations of women’s bodies in art, yet it’s so hard to maintain harmony with a young family when many things feel like they must be contested.
Great piece, but I have to say, I love your footnote, too: "My preferred audience is strangers on the internet." I also love to know that people I know are reading my work, and it touches me when they respond, but writers want their words to go further. That's why we bother to put this stuff out there and why I mute those people who post about how "they don't care" that no one is reading their work. Of course they do; if they didn't, they wouldn't post about it and try to get more readers!
This resonates with me so much. I just saw the Book of Mormon musical tonight and as an ex-mo, the song “turn it off” makes me laugh so freaking hard because there is truly nothing more Mormon than turning off every negative emotion, especially anger, and especially if you’re a woman. I still get pushback sometimes from family members who have left the church but —because of that deep cultural conditioning — still want me to “turn it off” with the critiques of patriarchy, the church, capitalism, etc. and the anger I sometimes feel because of it. I feel more liberated and more “myself” than ever before and I feel like the deconstruction is worth the pain, but I also feel incredibly judged for it. I’d love to hear your thoughts on why it’s worth it and how to approach that tension with people who view jumping into the pit as if you’re “choosing to dwell on negative things” and adopting a “victim mindset.”
I wonder if you can say something like this: Pretending negative things don't exist doesn't make the world a fairer place - it makes it less fair, because you are refusing to participate in making it more just. Do you think the downtrodden can dwell only on the positive things? Do you think they should? Or should we all pitch in for a more just world for everyone?