The single best thing we can do for our kids according to science

Is it no screens? Is it food? Exercise? Friends? Chores?? Nature??? I bet it's no screens.....

There’s this study I read about eight years ago that I think about roughly once a day.

It’s from researcher Ellen Galinsky who wanted to know what kids want from their parents and how that differs from what parents think their kids want from them.

She asked 1023 kids ages 8-18 if they could change something about their parents, what would it be?¹

She also asked the parents what they thought their kids would say.

Overwhelmingly guilt-ridden parents guessed that their kids would say they wanted more time with them.

But no.

What did the kids want?

The most common response was that they wished their parents would be less stressed.

Only 2% of parents guessed that right.

Isn’t that crazy?

How ironic that often the thing making us so stress IS trying to be a good parent!

According to our kids, to be a good parent, we should worry about being a good parent less.

From 2014 - 2020 I wrote an article about marriage every single week. I read a lot of marriage books. I interviewed a lot of marriage experts. In all that research, do you know the one quote I still remember as the best thing you can do for your relationship?

I’ll tell you. It’s this one from Dr. David Schnarch:

“The most loving thing we can do for our spouse is to learn to regulate our own anxiety.”

Since we’re talking about parenting today, what if the most loving thing we could do for our kids was to learn to regulate our own anxiety about our kids?

Let’s put the rubber to the road here.

Picture in your mind the script you’ve been handed for what it means to be a good parent. What bullet points are on your script?

Here are a few on mine:

• Good parents limit screen time to no more than 2 hours per day. Best parents have their kids frolic in the green green grass all day with no screens at all.

• Good parents provide a spiritual container for their kids so they are not lost in nihilistic existential dread.***

• Good parents ensure they eat plenty of fruits and veggies and limit sugar and junk food.

• Good parents spend lots of one-on-one quality time with each kid.

• Good parents teach their kids financial responsibility by making them buy their own stuff with their own money.

• Good parents have their kids learn the value of hard work by doing lots of chores around the house with no rewards or punishments whatsoever.

Wheeeeee! 21st century parenting: easy peasy!

First off, let’s acknowledge the thing that is not brought up nearly enough in these conversations: blaming the individual for a society-level problem is unfair. We live in a time in history where parenting pressure is at an all time high and support is at an all time low. So really you never need to feel like a shitty parent ever again.

With loads of grace, what if we re-wrote the script away from all the rules? What if our goal was just having a good relationship with our kiddos? What if we considered less stress a big success?

Come, enter what if land with me for a second.

Ok close your eyes. Wait no, I need you to read this with your eyes, but in your soul imagine you are closing your eyes as we take those heavy parenting script bricks off our chest one by one, turn them into leaves and watch them float down the river.

Food

What if what our kids needed from us wasn’t a color coded “new foods chart,” wasn’t a daily lecture on vitamins and vegetables, wasn’t a regimented meal plan? What if they need our lack of anxiety around them and food?

What if what they needed was for us to do our best to introduce them to healthy food without stressing about it? What if we trusted them to navigate their own relationship with food knowing they will have infinite ability to course correct if they don’t like the way we introduced food to them? What if we tried our best and had that be enough?

Spirituality

I meet with some of you monthly. I know many of you are carrying a very heavy load of stress about your kids’ spirituality and your ability to parent in this particular area.

It’s definitely a lot to go from knowing our most important job as a parent is to teach our kids the gospel to…. what’s our most important job again? We just come up with that on our own?

Coming up with an entirely new parenting script when we’ve always been handed one can be stressful for sure.

But what if what our kids really need from us isn’t weekly lessons, isn’t our own certainty, isn’t even our teaching at all? What if what they need is our own lack of stress around their spirituality? What if what they need is for us to trust their own ability to navigate their conscience and values and to know they will have infinite ability to course correct later in life?

What if they need to know they can trust themselves and their own conscience instead of relying on our answers?

Screens

I could give an entire dissertation on screen time guilt².

But what if what our kids need isn’t a strict schedule, our guilt, our micro management? What if what they need is our own lack of stress around screens?

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Obviously this can be a both/and not an either/or. Can we go for providing structure AND not being stressed about it? That would be great.

But when prioritizing between the two, what if we gave top priority to not being stressed?

I don't know about you, but that’s a very different priority than I was given in my good parenting script.

It makes my shoulders relax and my forehead un-crease every time I think what if I don’t have to worry about my son’s anxiety? My daughter’s social life? My many imperfections as a parent? What if I can just try my best to love them and support them without worrying so much?

Our kids have a whole life after us where they can make their own decisions. What if our job was never to micromanage but teach them to listen to their conscience and trust themselves?

What if we listened to what our kids say they want: a little less stress.

Older parents - let’s hear from you - what words of wisdom do you have for those of us still in the trenches? Teach us your wisdom.

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***If you would like to gather together with other parents in a similar situation- great news! Next Sunday April 14th, we are meeting from 11:00am - 12:30pm (PT) on zoom to dialogue all about parenting post-faith deconstruction. You can meet with us every month by subscribing to the “Reconstruction Community” here (zoom link will be sent to you):

Or just join for this one session entitled: “BUT WHAT ABOUT THE KIDS?! Reconstructing Parenting” here.

1. SOURCE

2. *ascends soap box. *clears throat. How insane it is to put the blame on the individual for using a solution that allows us precious minutes to ourselves when societies in the past have offered communal support. So in our individualistic society, in the absence of any communal support, we turn to something that actually helps support us. But then we drown in our own guilt for using it. Insane.