Shhh the real secret of the lives of Mormon wives is.... internalized misogyny
"I hope you don't look at Connor differently." "Zac is one of the best guys in the world." Why should men's bad behavior be a secret?
I, along with millions of others across the world, tuned into The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives this past week.
Having been a Mormon wife myself for 12 years,1 beachy hair waves and coconut cream-ed sodas are part of my cultural heritage. So I was only too happy to watch our secrets of over-sized labias and exorbitant brand deals exposed at last.
Representation matters.
I’ll admit this is the first season of reality TV I’ve ever finished. (I’m not like other girls). Call me naive, but I’m persistently vexed at how far reality TV strays from its one self-proclaimed descriptor: reality.
There was one plot line in the show however that did seem quite real to me: that of Jen and Zac Affleck’s marital dynamics.
When Jen was dragged to a surprise Chippendale’s show in Vegas she felt so guilty that she left before the show started and immediately called her husband to confess her sin of having fun friends.
Zac responded in a very calm, measured way. Just kidding. He yelled that she was a terrible mother, threatened divorce and called her disgusting. When she begged to see him he responded that he definitely did not want to see or talk to her. That is until he was finished gambling her money away thank you very much, at which point he would consent to continue his treatise on what a garbage human she is.
Maybe the reason this plot line seemed real was because Jen very clearly did not want any of Zac’s poor behavior captured. Throughout the show she is a valiant warrior on a doomed mission to cover for this man.
At the end of one interview you can hear the producer whisper “Can we talk about Zac’s gambling?” To which Jen whispers back, “Um… yeah we can talk about it as long as we don’t make him out to sound like an addict.”
“I know Zac has a lot of flaws and can be a bit controlling, but his issue is that he loves and cares too much.”
“I’ve never met anyone who loves me more than Zac.”
It also feels real because in the week since the show has come out, so has an orchestrated effort by Zac’s family to clear his good name:
Wait. I think I’ve seen this film before. Why does this feel so familiar?
Oh yeah because that other time Mormons were in the news this summer, THIS EXACT SAME THING HAPPENED!!
When Daniel Neeleman’s behavior was reported on—interrupting his wife, taking over an interview meant for her, speaking on her behalf, manipulating her into a first date, trumping her ballet dreams with his career dreams — it wasn’t Daniel who took accountability for any of his behavior.
Instead, his family—his wife’s sister, his father, his friends, but especially his wife—rose up to clear his good name and uphold his reputation.
Like Jen Affleck, Hannah Neeleman took to Instagram to assure everyone that she is married to the best man, she is so happy, treated so well and this is all a huge misunderstanding.
In both cases, despite the man himself displaying his own poor behavior on a public stage, it is the wife who claims center stage as she covers her husband.
She assumes the role of magician’s assistant- stuffing her husband’s indiscretions inside a box and making them disappear in the hopes the audience breaks into applause for him. Ta-da! With a smile on her face, she transforms her own mistreatment into mere illusion.
In defense of our petty queens
Since I’ve chosen to make this article about internalized misogyny (the female side) instead of plain old misogyny (the male side), perhaps it seems I am unfairly pointing the finger at women2.
It behooves me to state on the record that I am rooting for these women. In fact I feel very defensive of them3.
I’ve spoken before about the intense pressure on a Mormon woman to be simultaneously a 1950s June Cleaver wife-mother-servant-maid AND a Jessica Rabbit sex goddess.
The Mormon Wives of this show have risen up and fulfilled their godly duty. They have checked the checkboxes assigned to them: Get married young. Check. Pop out lots of babies. Check. Support your husband. Check. Look sexy as hell. Check.
And are they rewarded for dutifully accomplishing all of their assigned tasks? No! The world does nothing but shit on them for it.
I didn’t even have to watch the show to encounter a tirade of internalized misogyny surrounding it. Including my own. (Did I mention I’m not like the other reality TV watching girls?)
The IMDB reviews of the show are full of reviewers calling these women “trashy,” “toxic,” “petty,” “stupid,” “disgusting,” and “the very worst of humanity.”
“These girls are are so annoying and air-headed they are unwatchable.”
“I got stupider just from watching the trailer.”
“Taylor is too dumb to not say the quiet parts out loud… she’s like a dumb dog.”
Isn’t it interesting that collectively we consider programming depicting women fighting about relationships to be filthy garbage juice while programming depicting men fighting about a ball is a celebrated national past time?
The Internalized Misogyny Scale (IMS)
Fifteen years ago a group of researchers at the University of Tennessee wished to measure the link between internalized misogyny and psychological distress, but to do so they needed a way to codify internalized misogyny.
So they came up with the Internalized Misogyny Scale or IMS. It consists of ranking how strongly you agree or disagree with 17 statements divided into three main categories:
The devaluation of women.
The distrust of women.
Valuing men over women.
You yourself can take the test and score your own internalized misogyny here.
Despite the fact that “the distrust of women” could be the subtitle of many reality TV shows, our discussion today will hone in on that last factor: valuing men over women.
Specifically how the women in The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives value men’s reputations over women’s reputations.
By valuing men’s reputations over their own, women keep men from experiencing the natural consequences of their actions.
The book Codependent No More articulates this predicament beautifully.
Jen Hatmaker summarizes it well:
“…codependency is taking responsibility for someone else’s choices by curating their environment so they won’t feel the discomfort from their choices… so they don’t have to experience their own consequences.”
One byproduct of internalized misogyny is the inclination for women to prioritize making men comfortable. Even when he messes up, shielding him from his own guilt or shame. This is usually meant as an act of kindness or support, but what it ends up accomplishing is keeping men from experiencing the natural consequences of their actions.
Thus keeping them from growth.
“Each person is responsible for himself… We allow people to be who they are. We give them the freedom to be responsible and grow… If people have created some disasters for themselves, we allow them to face their own proverbial music.” - Melodie Beatty Codependent No More
In every episode of The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives, the wives take turns playing DJ- remixing her husband’s proverbial music into something easier on the ear.
In episode one Whitney confesses to lying about the real reason for her family’s move to Hawaii. They had used the excuse of avoiding a swinging scandal, but really it was because Whitney’s husband Connor was outed online for sending nudes on Tinder.
It takes Whitney less than 10 seconds to rush to her husband’s defense: “There was more to it than that. He had been struggling with a porn addiction. [starts crying] I didn’t want to say anything… There’s a reason why people do certain things… he was just confused.”
The first thing she says when she stops crying is, “I hope you don’t look at Connor differently.”
People looking at you a little differently would be a natural consequence of going on a dating app behind your wife’s back.
Taylor’s boyfriend Dakota has a history of sleeping around especially in the beginning of their relationship. Consequently Taylor’s friend Mayci does not trust him.
Instead of allowing Dakota to deal with this consequence of his actions, Taylor asks Mayci (not Dakota) to reach out and talk to him. Could she make an effort to be kinder to Dakota and give him another chance?
It’s clear Taylor takes the weight of her boyfriend’s infidelity on herself when she tearfully says, “I feel like if I was good enough, he wouldn’t have done that to me.”
Jen takes responsibility for Zac’s actions in big and small ways throughout the series.
Big way: when Zac gambles away all the money his family loans him for medical school, instead of allowing him to face the consequences of those actions by earning back that money on his own, Jen steps in to fund his medical school with her money.
Small way: when Zac awkwardly says to Demi and Jessi “It’s not that I don’t like your husbands…” Jen immediately jumps in to soften it with, “He just doesn’t feel like he personally knows you guys!”
These girls are hyper concerned over their husband’s reputations, but hardly concerned over their own. Nobody on the show has any problem dragging the women’s reputations through the mud.
And no man on the show swoops in to take accountability for his wife’s sullied reputation.
On the contrary, despite Jen’s repeated Herculean efforts to shine up Zac’s name, Zac’s family dirties hers at the first opportunity:
"I'm extremely disappointed in Hulu, his wife, and these fake girls.... I pray for my brother, and others deeply affected by this nonsense." - Zac's brother AJ (on Instagram)
In addition to taking accountability for the men’s behavior, the women are quick to take accountability for their own:
When Whitney publicly alludes to Demi’s private bedroom behavior, Demi is upset but says, “I take full accountability that I opened that can of worms.”
When Taylor’s Dad reprimands her, “You shouldn’t have gotten pregnant.” Taylor immediately responds, “That’s true.”
When Jen un-invites four friends from her baby blessing because Zac told her to, she takes accountability saying, “That is my fault. I should have been better at communicating with Zac.”
Women taking responsibility for men’s behavior extends far beyond Mormonism.
Right now in response to Sean Diddy’s sex trafficking party allegations, thousands of women are flooding comment sections with “Well, those girls should have known what they were getting themselves into when they went to the party of a rapper. What do they expect?”
Millions of sex abuse cases go unreported because the girls know they will be asked what they were wearing, why they were out so late, if they were drinking. Millions of victims of sexual abuse blame themselves instead of holding their abuser accountable.
Millions of women responded to the #MeToo movement by being more concerned for the abuser’s career and reputation than they were for the abused.
I unearth new layers of my own internalized misogyny all the time.
In 2018 I read Design Mom Gabrielle Blair’s viral twitter thread of 41 tweets all about how we hold women 100% responsible for abortions, when in reality, no unwanted pregnancy would ever exist without the direct contribution of a man.4
When I first read the thread six years ago I thought “Huh, what an interesting take,” and then went about my day. When I read it again a year later I thought, “Huh, you know, I think she actually makes some really valid points.”
Then two MORE years later, re-reading once again, I found my heart pumping, my eye brows lifting in shock that it had never ever in my life occurred to me before this thread to hold men even a smidge accountable for unwanted pregnancies and abortions.
Never crossed my mind. Seemed perfectly natural for women to take full accountability for men not wanting to wear a condom.
At one point in the thread Blair recommends vasectomies for all men. This seemed so extreme to the point of lunacy when I first read it. I couldn’t wrap my head around a physical consequence for men to prevent unwanted pregnancies, even though I was more than fine with unending physical consequences for women.
I continue to discover new ways I value men’s desires and feelings over women’s.
I also continue to discover unending ways patriarchy harms both men and women.
These two things are true at the same time: 1. men are victims of this system. 2. men need to be held accountable for their actions.
These two things are also true at the same time: 1. women are victims of this system. 2. women need to be aware of the explicit and subtle ways we hold up this system.
Everyone needs the opportunity to learn.
As if Demi knew I was going to write this article, she gives a real gem of a quote when Whitney leaves the table after hurting some of the girls’ feelings. Someone asks if they should follow her, and Demi says no:
“She needs to feel the sting of what her actions can do to people so that she understands what that feels like. Because it doesn’t feel good. That’s below the belt stuff.... She needs to learn not to do that moving forward." - Demi
Nailed it. But feeling the sting of your actions is something women should not reserve only for other women.
Like Demi says, when we keep people from feeling the sting of their actions, we ensure they will not learn from their mistakes.
We keep people from their own growth.
Currently an ex-Mormon wife for 4+ years.
May I kindly refer you to like…. all of my other articles?
It’s so rich watching all the Mormons get their panties in a twist desperately trying to stop these women from sullying the good name of Mormonism. Ha! Mormons have done a fine job of sullying their own name by shaming the fudge out of these women.
If you haven’t read it, I’m actually giddy for you- stop what you’re doing immediately and read the whole thing or better yet order her book Ejaculate Responsibly.
I agree with everything written here, but in addition to internalized misogyny, women want to excuse or minimize their partner's bad behavior because they feel ashamed about being partnered with such a garbage man. I see this in my psychotherapy practice over and over, where women try to defend or justify their man's bad behavior (or take a long time to disclose it to me at all). They're not just worried about how his behavior makes him look bad, but how it makes them look bad for remaining partnered with such a douchebag. The rational goes something like this: "He can't be that bad because only a stupid, weak woman would be with a man who did the thing my man did. I don't want to see myself as a stupid, weak woman, and I also don't want to completely disrupt my life by leaving him, so here are all the reasons why the thing he did wasn't as bad as it appears to be." And it's not just Mormon wives who fall into this trap. I'm in the Seattle suburbs where most of my clients are educated, successful, secular, liberal women, and I still see this over and over and over. There are sadly a lot of garbage men in the world, and a lot of sad women covering for them.
This is really interesting, it made me stop and realize the ways I 'curate the environment' for my husband so I don't need to deal with the fallout from his discomfort ... that's a result of his choices. So thank you. While I don't have a ready answer for exactly how I stop doing this, it's made me think and I'm certainly going to start!