The world's most costly allergy
Part 2 of my patriarchal masculinity series: What do dropping college admissions, climate change, mass shootings and marital communication problems all have in common?
"…As I moved my thumb to 'like' this post, I found myself hesitating, my thumb hovering millimeters away from the heart icon in the lower left corner.
As I paid closer attention to this moment of hesitation, I discovered a dude lurking in the recesses of my consciousness, warning me away, threatening me if necessary, to avoid being seen as some sort of kiss ass, or cuck, or traitor.
Even as I write this post, he shakes his head in disappointment. They'll be coming for you, he says, any time now. You should've kept your head down and your mouth shut.
I'm a man who likes women. I'm a man who fears being seen as less than a man. These primal and cultural forces war within me...."
Oof this hit me right in the feels.
It’s a Substack Note from someone sharing my article about men liking women.
It was brave to write this and I thank him for it.
I don’t live with a dude in my head constantly reminding me not to be a cuck, so I appreciate this example of the internal dialogue that can ensue when men disobey patriarchal masculinity.
Even over something as small and insignificant as clicking a “like” button on a feminist article.
I want to start off with this quote today because it does a good job of separating men from the patriarchal masculinity policeman in their head.
I’m going to go hard on patriarchal masculinity today, so before we proceed we need to make the distinction between men and patriarchal masculinity crystal clear.
Maleness = being male.
Masculinity= attributes, behaviors and roles regarded as characteristic of men or boys such as strength, leadership, assertiveness, independence and courage.
Patriarchal Masculinity= the social pressure for men and boys to only perform behaviors, attitudes and roles considered masculine and to avoid and shun any behavior, attitude or role considered feminine. This pressure does not let up regardless of how many masculinity metrics you meet.
There is nothing wrong with maleness or exhibiting masculine qualities, there is something wrong with patriarchal masculinity- with the pressure for men to shun anything whiffing of femininity.
It harms both the men trapped in this pressure and those around them.1
Last week we discussed how unconscious patriarchal masculinity is. This week we’re going to examine just how extensively it affects us all.
Between writing my last article and this one, Elon Musk went on the Joe Rogan podcast and said this:
“The fundamental weakness of western culture is empathy.”
Perhaps it seems like this quote doesn’t have anything in common with the quote starting off this article.
But it does. Both depict patriarchal masculinity.
The first quote is a good example of what can happen when we notice patriarchal masculinity: the ability to choose whether to comply with or defy its pull. Elon’s quote is an example of what happens when we don’t notice: this force wreaks havoc on both its possessor and those in his orbit. Which in Elon’s case is all of us.
Empathy is seen as a feminine trait. Unfortunately, it's also an absolute essential ingredient for healthy societies, healthy relationships and healthy humans.
It’s nonsensical to blame those stuck in a system for the system itself, but it is so important that we understand as much as we can about the system.
The first step to change anything is awareness. Let’s cast some awareness on just a few of the ways patriarchal masculinity shapes our world and how reticent we are to talk about it.
What do falling college admissions, the climate crisis, mass shootings and communication problems in relationships all have in common?
Falling college admission
A few months ago my article about boys not attending college anymore went viral.
I think people were interested because it pointed out a blindspot in the conversation.
When discussing why boys aren’t going to college as much anymore, experts point to the rising cost of tuition, the allure of the trades and boys not thriving in k-12 schools.
All worthy of exploration, but no one ever talks about how boys and men very predictably leave spaces when they become predominantly female.
We’ve seen this pattern of male flight play out in veterinary school, teaching, cheerleading, interior design, biology, architecture, library sciences, photography and psychology.
Universities are now 60% female and the men are leaving.
But not all men. There is a subset of men who continue to out-enroll women…. gay men.
The cost of tuition and boys not thriving in k-12 do not explain why gay men enroll in college en masse2 but straight men don’t.
But patriarchal masculinity does explain why. Gay men don’t have the same rigid restraints of avoiding the feminine that straight men do3.
We talk about all sorts of things when we talk about lower college enrollment for boys, but we never talk about patriarchal masculinity.
Climate Change
Does it sound crazy to link patriarchal masculinity with the climate crisis?
It did to me too until I read
’s article How Traditional Masculinity Norms Drive Climate Change. She says,"It’s recently been found that men produce significantly more carbon emissions than women- gas guzzling big engine cars are masculine, electric cars are feminine. Eating meat at every meal is masculine, ordering a veggie burger is feminine. Men are more than twice as likely as women to believe that “climate change isn’t a problem.” -
Driving electric cars and eating vegetarian is feminine. Men avoid the feminine.
This reminded me of a study in
’s book For the Love of Men showing that men will engage in humanitarian efforts such as recycling, civic involvement and philanthropy unless or until those acts come into conflict with one variable: their masculinity. In which case, maintaining their masculinity usually wins out. goes on to say, “according to food and sustainability researcher Amelia Willits-Smith, the number one predictor of high-emission diets is ‘being male’ and ‘there’s nothing else that comes close.’ In fact, men consume significantly more meat than women in nearly every country on the planet.”Similar to dropping college admissions, patriarchal masculinity is certainly not the only factor affecting climate change, but it is a factor worth discussing.
However, you would never know its a factor at all by attending climate change rallies, reading academic papers or listening to the World Climate Summit.
Jgln’s article is the only place I’ve ever seen the link made.
We talk about all sorts of things when we talk about the environment, but we never talk about patriarchal masculinity.
Mass Shootings
Mental illness is almost always brought up in discussions of mass shooters, but one study found that only 14.8% of mass shooters in the US from 1988-2005 had a serious mental illness.
Another study found that mental illness was only responsible for 4% of interpersonal violence.
For decades professors, politicians and researchers have tried to pin down exactly what mass shooters have in common. Turns out, they don’t have as much in common as you would think- they come from different income levels, from both the North and the South, they are both Democrat and Republican, from both urban and rural settings.
But there is one thing that 98% of mass shooters all have in common.
They are men.
You would think with a variable that 98% of all perpetrators have in common, surely, we would be discussing this variable at length. Extensively. Constantly.
Why don’t women and queer people, who have the same access to guns as men, almost never commit mass shootings?
Why don’t trans men or women who receive testosterone injections ever commit mass shootings?
Why is it almost exclusively straight cis men?
Sociologist Eric Madfis is asking this question and his research has found that men who commit mass shootings have something in common- they have usually “failed to achieve financial and romantic success in ways that our society values and accredits as ‘manly.’” Violence then acts as both revenge and compensation for what he calls the “male discrepancy grievance.”
Another person who has made this connection is bell hooks. In her book The Will to Change, she says,
"Everyday on our television screens and in our nation's newspapers we are brought news of continued male violence at home and all around the world. When we hear that teenage boys are arming themselves and killing their parents, their peers or strangers, a sense of alarm permeates our culture. Folks want to have answers. They want to know, why is this happening? Why so much killing by boy children now, and in this historical moment? Yet no one talks about the role patriarchal notions of manhood play in teaching boys that it is in their nature to kill, then teaching them that they can do nothing to change this nature--nothing, that is, that will leave their masculinity intact." - bell hooks
When we talk about mass shootings, we talk about mental health, we talk about guns (which we should), but we hardly ever talk about patriarchal masculinity.
Communication Struggles in Romantic Relationships
According to Good Reads, the most popular marriage books are The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman, The Meaning of Marriage by Timothy Keller, Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs, Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas and The Seven Principles to Make Marriage Work by John Gottman.
These books list many reasons couples struggle in relationships- sex, finances, children, stress, depression, and across the board- they talk about communication problems.
Guess how many mention patriarchy or patriarchal masculinity?
Zero.
Once you see it, it’s absolutely batshit bananas how few marriage and relationship experts ever even hint at the impact that centuries of patriarchy has on heterosexual partnerships.
While most of these books do encourage men to discuss their feelings more, they never address why it is men struggle to do so. They never mention the lifelong pressure of patriarchal masculinity. About how expressing feelings, empathy and vulnerability goes directly against the training instilled in them since they were toddlers of how to safely navigate the world.4
bell hooks describes therapist Terrence Real’s5 experience as a couples counselor in this way:
“Describing a couple in family therapy, Real recalls the qualities the wife wanted from her husband: 'sensitivity to others, the capacity to identify and share his feelings, a willingness to put his needs aside in the service of the family.' These are the same qualities, Real points out that 'most boys, even in these enlightened times, have had stamped out of them... In our culture boys and men are not, nor have they ever been, raised to be intimate." - bell hooks, The Will to Change
When we talk about relationship struggles, we talk about good communication until we’re blue in the face, but we almost never talk about patriarchal masculinity.
“There is no greater threat to the world than our current definitions of masculinity.” - Liz Plank
The world’s most costly allergy
Analogy time.
Let’s imagine our society’s allergy towards men exhibiting feminine behaviors is like an actual allergy.
Imagine we are allergic to pollen. Because pollen makes us so uncomfortable, we stay inside on windy spring days. Then, just to be safe, we avoid all outside chores like lawn mowing and gardening. Then, we get a new pollen-resistant wardrobe.
Soon we develop a habit of scanning our environment for anything that poses even the slightest pollen threat. We cover our nose, mouth and body if we ever have to go outside. Eventually, even though it brought a lot of joy, we avoid going outside all together just to be safe.
Everyone in our life re-arranges their lives to accommodate our pollen allergy. Our loved ones vacuum and scrub the house to avoid exposing us to any pollen. They replace their wardrobes. They run all the errands so we never have to go out.
This lifestyle is so inconvenient and isolating, we must frequently convince ourselves and others of the necessity of our pollen-free lifestyle. We start a podcast and write books on the dangers of pollen and how to avoid it. We form committees and lobbyist groups to make cities and states more convenient for those living pollen-free. Soon the government is passing bills to codify limiting pollen exposure.
Our entire existence revolves around avoiding pollen. We cater our schedules, hobbies, interests, outings, jobs and relationships to avoid the briefest brush with pollen6.
As a society, both men and women alike have moved heaven and earth for men to avoid pollen (ie the feminine):
When we have a movie night at the elementary school, we can’t show Tangled or Frozen- there will be boys there! We’ll watch Cars or Wreck it Ralph.
We can’t have a ballroom dance segment in PE- the boys will hate it. Let’s put in another basketball segment.
Doesn’t matter if your son loves playing dress up with his sisters, he has to stop or he will get made fun of.
He shouldn’t be so sensitive, he needs to toughen up if he’s going to make any friends at school.
We can’t expect college boys to take humanities classes- let’s scratch that requirement.
We can’t have a woman pastor, the men will leave the congregation.
Men can’t be expected to worship a divine feminine, let’s make every iteration of divinity male.
We can’t read a girly book in our city library book club, none of the men will read it.
We can’t expect the husband to go to therapy, just have his wife and kids carefully curate his environment to avoid his triggers, bad moods and outbursts for the rest of their lives instead.
Sure we can have one or two women on the board, but any more and the male executives will be annoyed.
Listen to how patriarchal masculinity has shaped the lives of a few of the readers of my last article:
Thank you Jake and Carrie for sharing your self-reflection. It’s so helpful.
Now let’s zoom back out to the societal level:
We view empathy and femininity as a weakness and brute force and masculinity as strength. Our social structure in the US values power, the accumulation of wealth and individual success at the cost of community care.
We just cut funding to USAID, education, environmental protection, scientific research and diversity, equity and inclusion efforts. Meanwhile, the US has the largest military budget in the world, spending more than the next nine countries combined. In 2024, the U.S. defense budget was over $1 trillion.
We cut care (feminine). We prioritize power and force (masculine).
And it’s killing us. Literally.
The UN reports that 140 women and girls die every day at the hands of their sexual partner or close male relative. One every 10 minutes. Men are four times more likely to die by suicide than women—often citing reasons directly caused by patriarchal masculinity like not feeling like they could ask for help, failing to ‘be a man,’ and trying to toughen up instead of addressing grief.
Given its immense impact on the world, we should be discussing patriarchal masculinity every single day in Congress, in every religious sermon, in elementary schools, in board meetings, in the Supreme Court, in peace summits and in our families.
Instead we almost never talk about it.
It’s madness.
It’s not just men, it’s not just women, it’s the system we all live in
Whenever I bring up the perils of patriarchal masculinity, inevitably someone will say “men are only like this because that’s what women want! It’s all women’s fault!”
And then the women will chime back “You perform masculinity to impress other men, not us! We are begging you to stop!”
And round and round we go. “Your fault!” “Your fault!”
This recent article from the Salt Lake Tribune about dating is one example of dozens I could cite that laments that there has been a women’s movement pushing women to be more like men, but there has been no corresponding men’s movement pushing men to be more like women.
Predictably, the finger-pointing ensues as to whose fault this is.
If you want to point a finger— point it at the hierarchy valuing masculinity above femininity that we all uphold.
Because we live in a patriarchy, collectively our culture values masculine attributes over feminine ones. Therefore, it’s much easier to encourage women to seek success in the workforce than it is to encourage men to do the childcare, dishes and laundry.
It’s a harder sell to have men become more tender, compassionate and empathetic because that is moving down the pyramid whereas women becoming more tough, assertive and confident is moving up the pyramid of what we value as a society.
This is why girls can have boy names, but boys can’t have girl names. Women can play basketball, but guys don’t do ballet. Little girls can play with trucks and dinosaurs, but little boys can’t play with dolls. Women can like action movies, but men can’t like chick flicks.
In short, women don’t have the same allergy or restrictions towards masculinity that men have towards femininity not because all men suck and all women are awesome, but simply because masculinity sits atop our cultural hierarchy.7
And we all work to uphold the hierarchy.
So….. what do we do?
I’m going to to answer this question in much greater detail in article #4 of this series, but for now let’s go back to the quote I started this article with.
“As I paid closer attention to this moment of hesitation, I discovered a dude lurking in the recesses of my consciousness, warning me…” “I’m a man who fears being seen as less of a man.”
All change starts with awareness.
We can’t change what we can’t see. Patriarchal masculinity has thrived in the dark. It’s time to bring it out into the light- to study it, to point out our cultural blindspot and its devastating repercussions on men, on women and on our world.
It’s high time we start talking about it.
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‘If America's gay men formed their own country, it would be the world's most highly educated by far.’” - Joel Mittleman
For the most part, there are definite exceptions.
yes women can be just as selfish and mean as men in relationships, but our culture does not cut women off from empathy, discussing their feels and care of others the way it does boys and men.
Whose marriage books are infinitely more worthy of being in the top 5 than any of those other books.
Fun fact: Pollen allergies can be cured in 70-80% of individuals through immunotherapy or desensitization therapy where the patient is exposed to small amounts of the allergen gradually to increase tolerance.
I know I will have a good amount of comments informing me that men being masculine and women being feminine is just pure biology and there ain’t nothing we can do about it. I have so many thoughts on this topic and I’ll be sharing them next week, but for now let’s ask ourselves- if it is masculinity and femininity are purely biological traits, why are women able to be masculine but men are unable to be feminine? Why do cultural standards of masculinity and femininity change in different times and different places? If patriarchal masculinity were pure biology, surely rates of rape, violence, suicide and war would remain stable across all societies throughout history- but that’s not true. These rates vary drastically. But feel free to tell me I’m wrong- it will give me more fodder for next week. :)
I have an hypothesis about an additional pressure. I grew up not being particularly problemed by feminine jobs or attributes. I'm not perfect by any means. I attribute this to two things: First being a horribly introverted nerd who really didn't/doesn't pay attention to what is considered good and masculine. Second growing up with a strong mother. She taught me to do all the girly things like cooking, cleaning, and patching my clothes. All in the name of being a basically competent human being. Yes. "Female" work is just part of being basically competent. I learned how to sew Barbie clothes as presents for my sisters and cousins.
I watched her struggle with the catholic church and sometimes carve out wins. Things like I got to go with her CCD class on a field trip to the local Jewish synagogue. This was normal for me at the time. Now I am astounded at how subversive that was.
Most of my career was spent with a company that was majority female. Imagine women programming computers! I'm retired and spend much of my time with women park rangers. Imagine women with chainsaws! Until recently I played ice hockey. With my wife and other women on the team. Brutes!
So I believe that because I grew up under the influence of strong women, I respect them, I value them, I look up to them, and I don't fear them. I count myself lucky because the thought of being constrained by just masculinity makes my skin crawl.
Makes perfect sense, as usual.
Men like Musk have always demonized empathy and Love because they’re indeed the fundamental strengths of humanity—and the most infinitely powerful threat to their own dominance.
This is why Jesus was crucified.
When Musk dies, he can’t take his wealth with him. But the legacy of pain and suffering he caused masses of people will define him long after his death.
And Jesus’ (feminine?) legacy of Compassion and Truth—will, as it already has for thousands of years, continue to heal all who have the humility to rise, together, in Love.
Mother God, forgive him. And Trump. For they know not who You are.