Part 2 of my patriarchal masculinity series: What do dropping college admissions, climate change, mass shootings and marital communication problems all have in common?
I have an hypothesis about an additional pressure. I grew up not being particularly problemed by feminine jobs or attributes. I'm not perfect by any means. I attribute this to two things: First being a horribly introverted nerd who really didn't/doesn't pay attention to what is considered good and masculine. Second growing up with a strong mother. She taught me to do all the girly things like cooking, cleaning, and patching my clothes. All in the name of being a basically competent human being. Yes. "Female" work is just part of being basically competent. I learned how to sew Barbie clothes as presents for my sisters and cousins.
I watched her struggle with the catholic church and sometimes carve out wins. Things like I got to go with her CCD class on a field trip to the local Jewish synagogue. This was normal for me at the time. Now I am astounded at how subversive that was.
Most of my career was spent with a company that was majority female. Imagine women programming computers! I'm retired and spend much of my time with women park rangers. Imagine women with chainsaws! Until recently I played ice hockey. With my wife and other women on the team. Brutes!
So I believe that because I grew up under the influence of strong women, I respect them, I value them, I look up to them, and I don't fear them. I count myself lucky because the thought of being constrained by just masculinity makes my skin crawl.
I am on the flip side: I grew up with a strong mom with a sense of independence and 3 older brothers and a dad. I thrived in many contexts until I hit life beyond education, where I was bumping against something I didn't know was there until very recently: that women are expected to always be warm and pleasant. I show frustration and anger in an acceptible way for males, but not for females. I have had bosses, male and female, come down on me for this ... and I am so grateful that in my last job, I had male colleagues tell me that if I were male, my behaviors and contributions would be perceived as "leadership." I have been chided for behaviors that I was told were inappropriate, only to see men doing the exact same behaviors and being praised for it. I am incredibly fortunate that I was able to retire recently and leave a lot of these frustrations behind. I'm just trying to say that this same patriarchy limits BOTH males and females. At levels far below "can a woman be president of the USA?"
Not always. I have had my aggressiveness called sexism when it's just autistic bluntness. I've been told that autism is no excuse for hurting people's feelings. But no men seemed to be hurt by the bluntness, just self-proclaimed feminists.
Men are afraid of being the sissy but they are also afraid of baseless accusations of sexism. Women have much more freedom in what they can say to men than vice-versa.
So much of what this author says is brilliant but she seems to buy into the idea that masculinity is "superior" in our society. People are clannish. If men are keeping women down there is a narrative to fight it. If women are keeping men down there is no way to fight it, and so you get the absurd Musk-Trump axis claiming that empathy is a societal flaw because demeaning and entire gender is the only thing that many men can think of that might give them some power to function in female spaces.
I think you might be missing the point: that the whole of human society has had norms for centuries, if not millenia, that men are the leaders and men make the decisions that affect every person, while women have babies and remain home barefoot and pregnant and waiting on males. Similarly for people that don't have white skin: white men make the rules, have the most resources, and keep other people, female and/or non-white, from having equal power or resources.
I read Celeste's posts here and believe the message is: "hey! the (white) patriarchy has been influencing everything for a long time. Religion. Power. Wealth. How individuals see themselves. How individuals see others ..." ... and she is looking for ways to show that a) this is true and b) what to do about it.
If you have experienced women keeping men down ... you're in a minority. Maybe try to imagine that feeling of being kept down for generations. Being forbidden to vote. Not being allowed to have your own bank account. Not being allowed to own property. Not being allowed to work except as a teacher or a nurse. Not having any means of family planning so that once married, you are destined to only have babies and raise children, regardless of how you feel about it. Having men decide what sort of health care you may have ... even for situations unique to women's bodies.
I wonder what you'd think walking a mile in any set of female shoes. (Even our stupid SHOES are designed to please men -- think heels or the bound feet of upper class Chinese women).
Try to get past your own frustration with a handful of situations in your (likely privileged) life and think about the bigger picture. If it's too hard to do that by imagining being female ... how about being black? How about being kidnapped, ripped from everything you know, brought to the USA to be a slave ... and once freed, being kept down and poor and so on. It is NOT a level playing field out there, not by a long shot, and the white male patriarchy has been a huge factor in getting our society to where it is now.
The patriarchy is toxic to (white) men. But it's had deleterious effects on everyone else, even more so.
Men like Musk have always demonized empathy and Love because they’re indeed the fundamental strengths of humanity—and the most infinitely powerful threat to their own dominance.
This is why Jesus was crucified.
When Musk dies, he can’t take his wealth with him. But the legacy of pain and suffering he caused masses of people will define him long after his death.
And Jesus’ (feminine?) legacy of Compassion and Truth—will, as it already has for thousands of years, continue to heal all who have the humility to rise, together, in Love.
Mother God, forgive him. And Trump. For they know not who You are.
Thank you for this, Grace! This is something that I've been thinking about a lot, lately.
Jesus taught compassion for the vulnerable and love for others as the cornerstones of his ministry. Other writers in the new testament echo these principles, in verses like "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others." (Phil 2:3-4)
Perhaps I should just expect that people will twist Jesus-taught Christian principles to justify their own prejudices these days. But it's baffling to me that so many Christians (particularly in the US but elsewhere as well) rail against basic human compassion and care for the less fortunate, calling it "woke" and "socialist" and all the rest.
If Jesus' "do unto others as you would have them do unto you" (Luke 6:31) is woke, well, Christians should be the "wokest" of them all.
Thank you, Richard. I deeply feel you on this observation about mainstream Christianity. My own dad was one of these people; he had a doctorate in theology and--in Jesus' name!--regularly manipulated scriptures to justify misogyny, child abuse, racism, and all manner of domination indoctrination.
Yet none of my daddy's many lies had the power to stop me from knowing Jesus intimately and returning Home to His Grace.
We recently read Riane Eisler's "The Chalice and The Blade" for Celeste's book club. I wept from the depths of my healing-soul beginning at the second half of the book when Eisler begins documenting the long historical trajectory of Jesus' message being strategically distorted, censored, and weaponized by violent dominators against the very people Jesus served.
Slowly but surely, these age-old illusions are all crumbling now. I've never felt more certain (and weirdly hopeful!) that the current political climate is just pitiful reaction to the collective awakening around these lies already happening.
Reading your comment, I'm reminded of Galatians 3:28; "There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither bond nor free, there is neither male nor female: for you are all one in Christ Jesus" and 2 Timothy 1:7; "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."
Excellent piece, Celeste! There is a book in Italy and another one in France, they are two studies about the “cost of virility” in both countries. Male violence costs Italy 5% of our GDP every year. That’s 100 billion euros that we would save each year (the same is true for France) if men behaved more like women. It’s HUGE. As long as we considered men and humanity equivalents… this was impossible to see. But now, this is becoming apparent. It is precisely what we should focus on if we want a chance to improve the quality of human life on Earth.
Every line of this is worth restacking, and I agree that almost all of our problems as a society can be linked to patriarchal masculinity.
This one in particular made me WHOA: "We can’t expect the husband to go to therapy, just have his wife and kids carefully curate his environment to avoid his triggers, bad moods and outbursts for the rest of their lives instead." I can think of very few families where this isn't a daily reality.
I always find myself snapping along to your articles, Celeste. Very insightful piece as usual. The sheer explanatory power of your theory is incredible and I can immediately see how it's impacted my view of myself and other men for as long as I can remember.
I moved to Sweden from the US about five years ago now, from a small town to a mid-sized city, and one of the most striking differences between the two places is the way they view masculinity. Some things that are normal behaviors for men here - performing childcare, dressing to look nice, maintaining a clean living space, having a sustainable diet, etc. - are overwhelmingly coded as feminine in the US. I feel much better living here partly because I don't have to subconsciously worry about fulfilling all the patriarchical stereotypes that are so prevelant in the US.
Granted, Sweden isn't perfect and it of course has its own code of masculine behaviors, including classics such as going to the gym, not opening up emotionally, or owning a car, and some uniquely Swedish ones like using brown snus. Overall it's a noticeable improvement, but there's still a long way to go.
I'm very curious to hear what you recommend we do to start dealing with this enormous issue.
Incredibly insightful article as always. After last week’s article I asked myself why my husband is able to display some traditionally “feminine” characteristics such as empathy, being good with children, and openly being a great cook, and still be considered a “man’s man” so clearly by society. He has even earned less money than me our entire marriage and is proud of it because he is proud of me for being successful at my job. In addition to not being American, which helps, I think it’s because he is so stereotypically masculine presenting. He is tall, muscular, athletic, and has hobbies like hunting and fishing. It would be very difficult and kind of preposterous for another man to question his masculinity. I’m curious about the role of these physical attributes and how it may make it harder or easier for men to buck patriarchal masculinity.
It is called privilege, because his masculinity is not questioned he is able to display a wider variety of traits in the feminine without being questioned. He can be an ally to less masculine presenting by saying, “we can show emotion and be more empathetic”
Men that are less masculine: non-athletic, less muscular, shorter who are constantly proving their masculinity struggle to show feminine traits because of patriarchal masculinity.
Being aware of this privilege can help him be better at standing for others and cast a light on these traits.
It’s also likely that you and other women wouldn’t consider him too weak/feminine to be romantically attracted to so he feels he has some room to display more feminine characteristics (probably subconsciously). As a man who grew up very unattractive and then became pretty attractive in my 20s I definitely felt like I didn’t have to worry as much about being judged as too soft by women once I started looking more outwardly masculine (and having career success, more money, etc). Masculinity operates a little like a balance sheet where the more assets you have (masculine characteristics) the more liabilities you can take on (feminine characteristics) as long as you stay in the black you’re okay.
This topic came up this week in the Reddit forums for the Amazing Race, of all places. Someone pointed out that in recent seasons, teams of 2 gay men have done better than most other teams, including teams of 2 straight men. The consensus explaining this was that gay men have the upper body strength to do the physical challenges quickly (which teams of 2 women sometimes lack), but are also able to communicate well with each other and aren’t afraid of asking for help from the locals. Interesting how this is popping up everywhere.
I would have made a stronger emphasis "especially teams of 2 straight men". Competition and being "better than" are also hallmarks of patriarchal masculinity. But if men can learn the tools of cooperation, compromise and communication ahead of the bullishness of competition, they can win at any task they take on.
The impact cannot be overstated. This is why religion got popular. Men weren’t getting what they wanted so they appealed to society that way. That has become unpopular in general, so they are finding new ways to try to control everyone. Very simple, gay men are feminine, trans people are feminine, push them down. Minority men threaten our manhood, push them down. Well said.
You can trace every problem back to this. Ignoring science is manly. Raw meat and milk sounds manly. Not going to the doctor. Bullying the weak learned men. Eep. Trump and Musk are desperately trying to tell everyone how manly they are. But so are many others like Putin. Scared little boys. They can’t be successful in their lives according to the rules of patriarchal masculinity. This is the end result. And there’s millions of people, not famous, in the same situation.
This is why we can’t dismiss incels. It’s literally how they are made. We can’t dismiss people supporting these “leaders”. Pointing out the problem and trying to fix it is the only way.
incels think they are personally OWED a relationship with a woman*. That may be a belief influenced by patriarchy, but I wouldn't say the patriarchy is the only cause of entitlement. Part of it - sure. But not the only cause.
*incels don't view women as beings allowed to have a say in their relationship choices - this is also borked ... and probably influenced by the patriarchy.
Hi, John, if you start to think of yourself as a Human Being first and a man who values the patriarchal values you've had preached to you all your life second, your stomach will untwist itself faster than you believe it could.
I was probably a benevolent sexist for most of my 50+ years, but have been doing quite a bit of reading and engaging for 2-3 years and now believe that feminism and the fight against the patriarchy, is what we really need as men, let alone women. My wife calls me the FBF - family's biggest feminist, but sometimes you read stuff and it feels like a physical impact. Then you know there's actually quite a long way to go really, to undo all those years of patriarchal indoctrination. This was one of those articles. I believe strongly in our shared humanity, as opposed to worrying too much about my own masculinity.
I wanted to share a connection seen in another forum discussing the New Yorker article on The End of Children. In a world where women are more empowered to control their reproductive and financial futures but still live in a system of patriarchal masculinity, they do not want more children because the burden will disproportionately fall on them because raising children is coded as feminine work. This means the world may be about to tip over into an exponential population decline.
According to a McKinsey study, no country that has birth rates dip below the replacement rate of 2.1 kids per 2 adults has ever recovered, no matter how equitable the society or how much government support is given to parents (even the Nordic countries). To use this post's language, that is because the government policies are still embedded in a system of patriarchal masculinity where men will not do the work of child raising, and if women have a choice, they don't want the disproportionate burden.
Patriarchal masculinity is also why people like Elon want to take away those choices so they can be fathers without doing any of the work of parenting.
Thank you for sharing this concept and explaining it so clearly. I had seen the symptoms but this series is helping me understand why patriarchal masculinity is the underlying root cause for so many societal issues.
Please understand that many of us, women and men both, choose not to have children largely because there are TOO MANY humans on this planet. We have devastated our fellow species, animals and plants both, at a rate far exceeding our actual numbers and show so little sign of changing that the possibility has become real that we will end life on earth. We end entire species yearly. I doubt that you are consciously in this category, but most people who want to prop up human population replacement are only concerned with replacing white people, or their own people, however they identify. In much of the non-white world, the population continues to increase at a dangerous and immediately destructive rate.
Terry Real’s books were the first I’ve found that discuss patriarchy and its effect on marriage relationships. I’m really grateful for his work. I wish those parts of the book would have landed with my spouse, but they were validating to me.
I assume you will address this next week, but lately I am CONSTANTLY aware of how we police boys' and girls' behavior and then claim gender differences are "natural". We literally have no idea what gender differences might be "natural" (my bet is on "not very many") because every choice we make is immediately sorted into "masculine" or "feminine" boxes.
I hate to say it, but even when we're TRYING to be egalitarian, it's things like "it's so sweet he plays with dolls!" or "girls can be scientists too!"
I can't tell you how many times our daughter face planted as a toddler, and we would ignore it, and all the other mothers would rush to comfort her and pull her up and we told them to cut it out. They never did that for our son but girls are treated as fragile and unable to handle pain.
I've been thinking about the inner patriarchal masculinity cop recently, though I didn't know it and didn't know the term. It was in terms of my gender identity, which is male, but not strongly felt. I have 'pronoun ambivalent' for my pronouns for just this reason: I don't really care. In the same vein, I've always found so much of male culture (most particularly the patriarchal masculinity parts) some combination bafflingly stupid and repulsive. This didn't stop me from trying to emulate them when I was a teen. But then I was an undiagnosed autistic teen who was pretty lost and desperate to try to fit in. I do occasionally feel that cop's eyes on me, but it's rare and I almost always scoff at him.
I sort of lost the thread leading to what I wanted to say at the end of my comment. My brain's kind of mush today —- I did a polysonagraphy last night, and slept like absolute garbage as a result. Anyhow, I relocated that thread just now! It was simple enough thing. Just a thanks for writing and posting this series since, beyond being wonderful, excellent, and timely, it's given me... hmm, not context, but a framework, I guess, for understanding how I feel about my identity and my relationship toward masculinity. I really appreciate it!
Thank you Celeste! This article is just what we need right now. I love how your writing appeals to both men and women by separating out the cultural norms from the actual people. It helps us all envision a different world. I think I’m going to try to look for examples of empathy in my daily life and try to use positive reinforcement to encourage it (in myself and others)!!
You are not wrong. As a man I have witnessed it my entire life. I enjoyed many classical male pursuits like sports, cars, having a few beers with the boys, being the man of the house in terms of traditional masculine duties, renovating, building fences etc..
However, I have always been sensitive and empathetic and have allowed myself to build on those traits instead of stifling them. I enjoyed sharing all the duties of raising a family, never taking it for granted that it was women's work. While my wife was expert at organizing the children's schedules I picked up the slack with dusting, vacuuming, cleaning bathrooms, whatever. It's parent's work. I also took responsibility for the kind of home I wanted to reside in.
I have left a few male social groups over my life because I could not comprehend their definitions of masculinity. While we shared many interests, their inability to be vulnerable, their inability to reveal their inner selves, to talk about meaningful connection was disheartening and disturbing.
I have an hypothesis about an additional pressure. I grew up not being particularly problemed by feminine jobs or attributes. I'm not perfect by any means. I attribute this to two things: First being a horribly introverted nerd who really didn't/doesn't pay attention to what is considered good and masculine. Second growing up with a strong mother. She taught me to do all the girly things like cooking, cleaning, and patching my clothes. All in the name of being a basically competent human being. Yes. "Female" work is just part of being basically competent. I learned how to sew Barbie clothes as presents for my sisters and cousins.
I watched her struggle with the catholic church and sometimes carve out wins. Things like I got to go with her CCD class on a field trip to the local Jewish synagogue. This was normal for me at the time. Now I am astounded at how subversive that was.
Most of my career was spent with a company that was majority female. Imagine women programming computers! I'm retired and spend much of my time with women park rangers. Imagine women with chainsaws! Until recently I played ice hockey. With my wife and other women on the team. Brutes!
So I believe that because I grew up under the influence of strong women, I respect them, I value them, I look up to them, and I don't fear them. I count myself lucky because the thought of being constrained by just masculinity makes my skin crawl.
I am on the flip side: I grew up with a strong mom with a sense of independence and 3 older brothers and a dad. I thrived in many contexts until I hit life beyond education, where I was bumping against something I didn't know was there until very recently: that women are expected to always be warm and pleasant. I show frustration and anger in an acceptible way for males, but not for females. I have had bosses, male and female, come down on me for this ... and I am so grateful that in my last job, I had male colleagues tell me that if I were male, my behaviors and contributions would be perceived as "leadership." I have been chided for behaviors that I was told were inappropriate, only to see men doing the exact same behaviors and being praised for it. I am incredibly fortunate that I was able to retire recently and leave a lot of these frustrations behind. I'm just trying to say that this same patriarchy limits BOTH males and females. At levels far below "can a woman be president of the USA?"
Not always. I have had my aggressiveness called sexism when it's just autistic bluntness. I've been told that autism is no excuse for hurting people's feelings. But no men seemed to be hurt by the bluntness, just self-proclaimed feminists.
Men are afraid of being the sissy but they are also afraid of baseless accusations of sexism. Women have much more freedom in what they can say to men than vice-versa.
So much of what this author says is brilliant but she seems to buy into the idea that masculinity is "superior" in our society. People are clannish. If men are keeping women down there is a narrative to fight it. If women are keeping men down there is no way to fight it, and so you get the absurd Musk-Trump axis claiming that empathy is a societal flaw because demeaning and entire gender is the only thing that many men can think of that might give them some power to function in female spaces.
I think you might be missing the point: that the whole of human society has had norms for centuries, if not millenia, that men are the leaders and men make the decisions that affect every person, while women have babies and remain home barefoot and pregnant and waiting on males. Similarly for people that don't have white skin: white men make the rules, have the most resources, and keep other people, female and/or non-white, from having equal power or resources.
I read Celeste's posts here and believe the message is: "hey! the (white) patriarchy has been influencing everything for a long time. Religion. Power. Wealth. How individuals see themselves. How individuals see others ..." ... and she is looking for ways to show that a) this is true and b) what to do about it.
If you have experienced women keeping men down ... you're in a minority. Maybe try to imagine that feeling of being kept down for generations. Being forbidden to vote. Not being allowed to have your own bank account. Not being allowed to own property. Not being allowed to work except as a teacher or a nurse. Not having any means of family planning so that once married, you are destined to only have babies and raise children, regardless of how you feel about it. Having men decide what sort of health care you may have ... even for situations unique to women's bodies.
I wonder what you'd think walking a mile in any set of female shoes. (Even our stupid SHOES are designed to please men -- think heels or the bound feet of upper class Chinese women).
Try to get past your own frustration with a handful of situations in your (likely privileged) life and think about the bigger picture. If it's too hard to do that by imagining being female ... how about being black? How about being kidnapped, ripped from everything you know, brought to the USA to be a slave ... and once freed, being kept down and poor and so on. It is NOT a level playing field out there, not by a long shot, and the white male patriarchy has been a huge factor in getting our society to where it is now.
The patriarchy is toxic to (white) men. But it's had deleterious effects on everyone else, even more so.
👏👏
Makes perfect sense, as usual.
Men like Musk have always demonized empathy and Love because they’re indeed the fundamental strengths of humanity—and the most infinitely powerful threat to their own dominance.
This is why Jesus was crucified.
When Musk dies, he can’t take his wealth with him. But the legacy of pain and suffering he caused masses of people will define him long after his death.
And Jesus’ (feminine?) legacy of Compassion and Truth—will, as it already has for thousands of years, continue to heal all who have the humility to rise, together, in Love.
Mother God, forgive him. And Trump. For they know not who You are.
Thank you for this, Grace! This is something that I've been thinking about a lot, lately.
Jesus taught compassion for the vulnerable and love for others as the cornerstones of his ministry. Other writers in the new testament echo these principles, in verses like "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others." (Phil 2:3-4)
Perhaps I should just expect that people will twist Jesus-taught Christian principles to justify their own prejudices these days. But it's baffling to me that so many Christians (particularly in the US but elsewhere as well) rail against basic human compassion and care for the less fortunate, calling it "woke" and "socialist" and all the rest.
If Jesus' "do unto others as you would have them do unto you" (Luke 6:31) is woke, well, Christians should be the "wokest" of them all.
Thank you, Richard. I deeply feel you on this observation about mainstream Christianity. My own dad was one of these people; he had a doctorate in theology and--in Jesus' name!--regularly manipulated scriptures to justify misogyny, child abuse, racism, and all manner of domination indoctrination.
Yet none of my daddy's many lies had the power to stop me from knowing Jesus intimately and returning Home to His Grace.
We recently read Riane Eisler's "The Chalice and The Blade" for Celeste's book club. I wept from the depths of my healing-soul beginning at the second half of the book when Eisler begins documenting the long historical trajectory of Jesus' message being strategically distorted, censored, and weaponized by violent dominators against the very people Jesus served.
Slowly but surely, these age-old illusions are all crumbling now. I've never felt more certain (and weirdly hopeful!) that the current political climate is just pitiful reaction to the collective awakening around these lies already happening.
Reading your comment, I'm reminded of Galatians 3:28; "There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither bond nor free, there is neither male nor female: for you are all one in Christ Jesus" and 2 Timothy 1:7; "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."
Excellent piece, Celeste! There is a book in Italy and another one in France, they are two studies about the “cost of virility” in both countries. Male violence costs Italy 5% of our GDP every year. That’s 100 billion euros that we would save each year (the same is true for France) if men behaved more like women. It’s HUGE. As long as we considered men and humanity equivalents… this was impossible to see. But now, this is becoming apparent. It is precisely what we should focus on if we want a chance to improve the quality of human life on Earth.
Every line of this is worth restacking, and I agree that almost all of our problems as a society can be linked to patriarchal masculinity.
This one in particular made me WHOA: "We can’t expect the husband to go to therapy, just have his wife and kids carefully curate his environment to avoid his triggers, bad moods and outbursts for the rest of their lives instead." I can think of very few families where this isn't a daily reality.
Same. Even crazier that we all just assume this is normal or inevitable. The impact really cannot be overstated.
I always find myself snapping along to your articles, Celeste. Very insightful piece as usual. The sheer explanatory power of your theory is incredible and I can immediately see how it's impacted my view of myself and other men for as long as I can remember.
I moved to Sweden from the US about five years ago now, from a small town to a mid-sized city, and one of the most striking differences between the two places is the way they view masculinity. Some things that are normal behaviors for men here - performing childcare, dressing to look nice, maintaining a clean living space, having a sustainable diet, etc. - are overwhelmingly coded as feminine in the US. I feel much better living here partly because I don't have to subconsciously worry about fulfilling all the patriarchical stereotypes that are so prevelant in the US.
Granted, Sweden isn't perfect and it of course has its own code of masculine behaviors, including classics such as going to the gym, not opening up emotionally, or owning a car, and some uniquely Swedish ones like using brown snus. Overall it's a noticeable improvement, but there's still a long way to go.
I'm very curious to hear what you recommend we do to start dealing with this enormous issue.
Great thumbnail sketch of masculinity in Sweden -- thank you.
My American father was devoted to all things masculine, among them, Snus. He died of colon cancer.
Incredibly insightful article as always. After last week’s article I asked myself why my husband is able to display some traditionally “feminine” characteristics such as empathy, being good with children, and openly being a great cook, and still be considered a “man’s man” so clearly by society. He has even earned less money than me our entire marriage and is proud of it because he is proud of me for being successful at my job. In addition to not being American, which helps, I think it’s because he is so stereotypically masculine presenting. He is tall, muscular, athletic, and has hobbies like hunting and fishing. It would be very difficult and kind of preposterous for another man to question his masculinity. I’m curious about the role of these physical attributes and how it may make it harder or easier for men to buck patriarchal masculinity.
It is called privilege, because his masculinity is not questioned he is able to display a wider variety of traits in the feminine without being questioned. He can be an ally to less masculine presenting by saying, “we can show emotion and be more empathetic”
Men that are less masculine: non-athletic, less muscular, shorter who are constantly proving their masculinity struggle to show feminine traits because of patriarchal masculinity.
Being aware of this privilege can help him be better at standing for others and cast a light on these traits.
It’s also likely that you and other women wouldn’t consider him too weak/feminine to be romantically attracted to so he feels he has some room to display more feminine characteristics (probably subconsciously). As a man who grew up very unattractive and then became pretty attractive in my 20s I definitely felt like I didn’t have to worry as much about being judged as too soft by women once I started looking more outwardly masculine (and having career success, more money, etc). Masculinity operates a little like a balance sheet where the more assets you have (masculine characteristics) the more liabilities you can take on (feminine characteristics) as long as you stay in the black you’re okay.
This topic came up this week in the Reddit forums for the Amazing Race, of all places. Someone pointed out that in recent seasons, teams of 2 gay men have done better than most other teams, including teams of 2 straight men. The consensus explaining this was that gay men have the upper body strength to do the physical challenges quickly (which teams of 2 women sometimes lack), but are also able to communicate well with each other and aren’t afraid of asking for help from the locals. Interesting how this is popping up everywhere.
I would have made a stronger emphasis "especially teams of 2 straight men". Competition and being "better than" are also hallmarks of patriarchal masculinity. But if men can learn the tools of cooperation, compromise and communication ahead of the bullishness of competition, they can win at any task they take on.
The impact cannot be overstated. This is why religion got popular. Men weren’t getting what they wanted so they appealed to society that way. That has become unpopular in general, so they are finding new ways to try to control everyone. Very simple, gay men are feminine, trans people are feminine, push them down. Minority men threaten our manhood, push them down. Well said.
You can trace every problem back to this. Ignoring science is manly. Raw meat and milk sounds manly. Not going to the doctor. Bullying the weak learned men. Eep. Trump and Musk are desperately trying to tell everyone how manly they are. But so are many others like Putin. Scared little boys. They can’t be successful in their lives according to the rules of patriarchal masculinity. This is the end result. And there’s millions of people, not famous, in the same situation.
This is why we can’t dismiss incels. It’s literally how they are made. We can’t dismiss people supporting these “leaders”. Pointing out the problem and trying to fix it is the only way.
incels think they are personally OWED a relationship with a woman*. That may be a belief influenced by patriarchy, but I wouldn't say the patriarchy is the only cause of entitlement. Part of it - sure. But not the only cause.
*incels don't view women as beings allowed to have a say in their relationship choices - this is also borked ... and probably influenced by the patriarchy.
I didn't know the word "borked" and imagine my joy when my hope for its etymology (after Robert Bork) was confirmed.
While my brain agrees with all of this article, my stomach is now all twisted up.
Hi, John, if you start to think of yourself as a Human Being first and a man who values the patriarchal values you've had preached to you all your life second, your stomach will untwist itself faster than you believe it could.
I was probably a benevolent sexist for most of my 50+ years, but have been doing quite a bit of reading and engaging for 2-3 years and now believe that feminism and the fight against the patriarchy, is what we really need as men, let alone women. My wife calls me the FBF - family's biggest feminist, but sometimes you read stuff and it feels like a physical impact. Then you know there's actually quite a long way to go really, to undo all those years of patriarchal indoctrination. This was one of those articles. I believe strongly in our shared humanity, as opposed to worrying too much about my own masculinity.
I wanted to share a connection seen in another forum discussing the New Yorker article on The End of Children. In a world where women are more empowered to control their reproductive and financial futures but still live in a system of patriarchal masculinity, they do not want more children because the burden will disproportionately fall on them because raising children is coded as feminine work. This means the world may be about to tip over into an exponential population decline.
According to a McKinsey study, no country that has birth rates dip below the replacement rate of 2.1 kids per 2 adults has ever recovered, no matter how equitable the society or how much government support is given to parents (even the Nordic countries). To use this post's language, that is because the government policies are still embedded in a system of patriarchal masculinity where men will not do the work of child raising, and if women have a choice, they don't want the disproportionate burden.
Patriarchal masculinity is also why people like Elon want to take away those choices so they can be fathers without doing any of the work of parenting.
Thank you for sharing this concept and explaining it so clearly. I had seen the symptoms but this series is helping me understand why patriarchal masculinity is the underlying root cause for so many societal issues.
Please understand that many of us, women and men both, choose not to have children largely because there are TOO MANY humans on this planet. We have devastated our fellow species, animals and plants both, at a rate far exceeding our actual numbers and show so little sign of changing that the possibility has become real that we will end life on earth. We end entire species yearly. I doubt that you are consciously in this category, but most people who want to prop up human population replacement are only concerned with replacing white people, or their own people, however they identify. In much of the non-white world, the population continues to increase at a dangerous and immediately destructive rate.
Terry Real’s books were the first I’ve found that discuss patriarchy and its effect on marriage relationships. I’m really grateful for his work. I wish those parts of the book would have landed with my spouse, but they were validating to me.
I wait all week for your posts, Celeste! Thanks for your clarity, passion, and wisdom. Looking forward to the next installments. ❤
I assume you will address this next week, but lately I am CONSTANTLY aware of how we police boys' and girls' behavior and then claim gender differences are "natural". We literally have no idea what gender differences might be "natural" (my bet is on "not very many") because every choice we make is immediately sorted into "masculine" or "feminine" boxes.
I hate to say it, but even when we're TRYING to be egalitarian, it's things like "it's so sweet he plays with dolls!" or "girls can be scientists too!"
BINGO! Yes I will be discussing this at length next week!
I can't tell you how many times our daughter face planted as a toddler, and we would ignore it, and all the other mothers would rush to comfort her and pull her up and we told them to cut it out. They never did that for our son but girls are treated as fragile and unable to handle pain.
I've been thinking about the inner patriarchal masculinity cop recently, though I didn't know it and didn't know the term. It was in terms of my gender identity, which is male, but not strongly felt. I have 'pronoun ambivalent' for my pronouns for just this reason: I don't really care. In the same vein, I've always found so much of male culture (most particularly the patriarchal masculinity parts) some combination bafflingly stupid and repulsive. This didn't stop me from trying to emulate them when I was a teen. But then I was an undiagnosed autistic teen who was pretty lost and desperate to try to fit in. I do occasionally feel that cop's eyes on me, but it's rare and I almost always scoff at him.
I sort of lost the thread leading to what I wanted to say at the end of my comment. My brain's kind of mush today —- I did a polysonagraphy last night, and slept like absolute garbage as a result. Anyhow, I relocated that thread just now! It was simple enough thing. Just a thanks for writing and posting this series since, beyond being wonderful, excellent, and timely, it's given me... hmm, not context, but a framework, I guess, for understanding how I feel about my identity and my relationship toward masculinity. I really appreciate it!
Thank you Celeste! This article is just what we need right now. I love how your writing appeals to both men and women by separating out the cultural norms from the actual people. It helps us all envision a different world. I think I’m going to try to look for examples of empathy in my daily life and try to use positive reinforcement to encourage it (in myself and others)!!
You are not wrong. As a man I have witnessed it my entire life. I enjoyed many classical male pursuits like sports, cars, having a few beers with the boys, being the man of the house in terms of traditional masculine duties, renovating, building fences etc..
However, I have always been sensitive and empathetic and have allowed myself to build on those traits instead of stifling them. I enjoyed sharing all the duties of raising a family, never taking it for granted that it was women's work. While my wife was expert at organizing the children's schedules I picked up the slack with dusting, vacuuming, cleaning bathrooms, whatever. It's parent's work. I also took responsibility for the kind of home I wanted to reside in.
I have left a few male social groups over my life because I could not comprehend their definitions of masculinity. While we shared many interests, their inability to be vulnerable, their inability to reveal their inner selves, to talk about meaningful connection was disheartening and disturbing.