Weaponized Gratitude
Gratitude is a great solution for a bad mood. Gratitude is not a great solution for inequality. But it is often presented as one.
Note: The replay of our discussion about BoyMom last week is included behind the paywall at the bottom of this article.
In March 2016, Nazanin Zaghari-Ratcliffe left her home in London to travel with her 22 month-old daughter to visit her family in Iran to celebrate the Iranian New Year.
Just as Nazanin and her daughter were about to board their flight back home to England, Nazanin was arrested out of nowhere in the airport. Her one year-old daughter was taken and delivered back to her grandparents.
Nazanin was given a five year prison sentence. A year into her imprisonment, she was told it was because she tried to topple the Iranian government.
She didn’t. She was an unfortunate pawn in the Iranian government’s ploy to get the UK to repay a $400 million dollar debt over undelivered military equipment.
Despite Nazanin and her husband repeatedly begging the English government to pay Iran their debt so she could be free (including three hunger strikes), despite numerous appeals, a petition with 3.5 million supporters and the UN calling for her release, it still took six years.
On March 16, 2022 the UK paid Iran the $400 million. Nazanin was released that same day and flown back home to the UK to reunite with her husband and then seven year old daughter.
In a press conference soon after her release, she said returning home was “precious” and “glorious.” She said, “I cannot be happier than this, that I am here.”
She also said, “We all know… how I came home. It should have happened exactly six years ago."
People were outraged over this statement and Nazanin’s lack of gratitude. She should be thankful she got out at all! Not mad over how long it took! The morning after the press conference the hashtag #sendherback started trending on Twitter.
On a popular English radio show, a man called in to say, “It would have been nice for her to say thank you,”1 to which the host, Nick Ferrari agreed saying, “There might have been a degree more gratitude.”
Hm. A call for a woman’s gratitude over her own captivity?
It’s like a metaphor……
The smaller the cage, the louder the call for gratitude
When the men came home from fighting in World War II, the women who had taken their place in the workforce were to quit and return home to focus on being a wife and mother. They were told to be thankful to not have to work, to be grateful to have a provider.
But many women2 didn’t want to go back to staying at home. Many women wanted more rights than they had. They wanted:
to not be fired if they got pregnant (pregnancy discrimination wasn’t illegal until 1978)
to open their own bank account (made legal in 1974)
to serve on a jury (not legal throughout the county until 1973)
to have access to birth control (not legal for unmarried women until 1972)
to e able refuse sex with their husband (not legal in all 50 states until 1993)
But not all women wanted more rights. Phyllis Schlafly spearheaded the movement against the Equal Rights Amendment (ERA)- an amendment to get women’s equality included in the constitution3.
Here’s what she had to say about women’s rights in 1972 (before all of those rights listed above were legalized):
“The claim that American women are downtrodden and unfairly treated is the fraud of the century. The truth is that American women never had it so good. Why should we lower ourselves to “equal rights” when we already have the status of special privilege?…
Of all the classes of people who ever lived, the American woman is the most privileged. We have the most rights and rewards, and the fewest duties.” - Phyllis Schlafly
The solution for unhappy women is not equal rights, the solution is more gratitude.
When I heard Schlafly’s quote, I immediately thought of a recent quote from LDS women’s leader Annette Dennis telling LDS women that the Mormon church gives more power and authority to women than any other church.
The Episcopal Church started ordaining women in 1974. Reformed Jewish women were able to become rabbis in 1972. The majority of Protestant denominations including Anglican, Lutheran, Methodist and Presbyterian have all granted female ordination in the past half century.
Mormon women are not even close to gaining ordination. LDS women can’t even hold their own babies while the men bless them. And this despite numerous campaigns, protests and movements begging bishops, apostles and prophets to please just let mothers hold their own child as they are blessed.
In protest of women not being able to sit on the podium at the front of LDS chapels with the male leadership, there was a movement earlier this year for women to boycott church service for one Sunday- March 17, 2024.
That very same day the first counselor of the world-wide LDS women’s organization said this:
“There is no other religious organization in the world, that I know of, that has so broadly given power and authority to women.” - Annette Dennis
The solution for Mormon women isn’t more power or authority. The solution is more gratitude.
"Our job is not to make young women grateful. It is to make them ungrateful." - Susan B Anthony
“It could be worse you know” “Aren’t you happy yet?” Weaponized gratitude as a subordination tactic
Weaponized gratitude is a widely used tactic to prohibit marginalized groups from expecting equality.
"The anthropology professor Arjun Appadurai showed in his research in South India that expressions of gratitude are subject to rules of subordination. Those lower down in the social order are expected to moderate their emotions more for the comfort of those higher up. Gratitude in most cases is considered an acceptance of permanent subordination and is therefore expected of those who are oppressed." - Pragya Agarwal Why are women always expected to be grateful?
Every time we take any step, no matter how slight towards racial equity in this country, black people are expected to be grateful. When they continue to fight for full equality they are called ungrateful for past improvement.
They are told to be thankful for their “freedom” even as they are incarcerated at a rate more than five times that of whites.
In her book, The Ungrateful Refugee, Dina Nayeri points out that immigrants are expected to bow down and gravel to native-born citizens simply for being allowed into their space. When immigrants aim for fair jobs and housing they are seen as ungrateful.
Weaponized gratitude is used every day to keep people “happy” to work for minimum wage. The message is constantly reinforced to underpaid workers that they are lucky to have any job at all. Unpaid interns are told how lucky they are to gain experience.
“It could always be worse” is a classic weaponized gratitude armament of choice.
Before my patriarchal awakening, I used to look at feminists and think, “What are they whining about? This isn’t Afghanistan. There are women in the world who are actually discriminated against. We have nothing to complain about.”
Past me is not alone:
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This TikTok creator says, “I’m sick and tired of hearing from women in the United States that our lives are so oppressed… when there are literally places in the world… where you will be violently beaten to death by state-sanctioned morality police.”
She’s right that what is happening to those women in Iran is atrocious. But her main point is not to pushback against this human rights violation. Her main point is to tell American women to stop complaining. Her caption reads, “Please take a moment to look in the mirror and practice gratitude.”
The Gendered Difference in Gratitude
I used to teach marriage courses for The Gottman Institute. We spent a lot of time talking about gratitude because it is such a necessary tool for healthy relationships. Focusing on the negative and never expressing appreciation is a surefire way to be miserable in any relationship.
However, there is a gendered difference in gratitude that was not mentioned anywhere in our 7 Principles to Make Marriage Work curriculum.
“Research studies have shown that men are less likely to feel and express gratitude. In a survey of 2000 Americans, by the John Templeton Foundation in 2012, a gratitude gender gap was shown with women more likely than men to express gratitude on a regular basis (52 per cent women compared to 44 percent men). Women reported greater gratitude than men overall, but men were found to make more critical evaluations of gratitude in others, especially in women.” - Pragya Agarwal Why are women always expected to be grateful?
Research shows that men are more likely to call for gratitude, but less likely to express gratitude.
But marriage books like Gottman’s offer gratitude as an across the board solution for relationship struggles without ever mentioning that the expectation of gratitude is a very different experience for women than it is for men.
As always, let’s keep the finger pointed at the systemic reasons this is happening rather than at the individuals trapped in these systems. Because we live in a patriarchy, men are at the top of the power hierarchy. A call for gratitude flows down the power pyramid, but rarely up.
Both women and men expect women to be grateful.
I’m reading The Second Shift by Arlie Hochschild right now. Hochschild spent many years going into couples' homes in the 80s, interviewing husbands and wives who both worked full time on how they managed the "second shift:” the cooking, cleaning and childcare that occurred after their paying jobs ended for the day.
Hochschild noticed that for every single couple she interviewed- regardless of how unequal the division of household labor was in their marriage- the wife expressed how lucky she was.
“I began to think about this matter of feeling 'lucky' while driving home from my interviews in the evening. One woman, a bank clerk and mother of two young children who did nearly everything at home ended her interview as many women did, by talking about how lucky she felt. She woke at 5:00am, crammed in housework before she set off for the office, and after she got back, asked her husband for help here and there. She didn't seem lucky to me. Did she feel lucky because her husband was doing more than the 'going rate' for men she knew? As I gradually discovered, husbands almost never spoke of feeling lucky that their wives worked or that they ‘did a lot’ or ‘shared the work of the home.’ They didn't talk about luck at all.” - The Second Shift
When conflict arose over the division of labor, the solution many of the couples used to manage the conflict wasn’t a more equal distribution of labor. Rather the solution that both the husband and the wife reached for was for the wife to be more grateful.
Gratitude is relative. It all comes down to the point of comparison.
Whenever you find yourself in a conflict over gratitude expectations- pay close attention to who the point of comparison is.
In the Second Shift, Hochschild says that the wives who wanted household equality were comparing their husbands to themselves and their own housework load. But the husbands weren’t comparing themselves to their wives, they were comparing themselves to other men: their friends and their fathers. The husbands were doing more than their fathers did, so they couldn’t understand why their wives weren’t more grateful.
"Evan felt the male norm was evidence on his side: men 'out there' did less. Nancy was lucky he did as much as he did." - The Second Shift
All gratitude is relative- it all boils down to the point of comparison:
When Nazanin Zaghari-Ratcliffe was released from her six years in prison, those who called for her gratitude wanted Nazanin’s point of comparison to be many more years of imprisonment, rather than her own point of comparison: zero years of imprisonment.
Those who call for immigrants to be more grateful want their point of comparison to be deportation instead of integration.
Those who call for people of color to be more grateful want them to compare themselves to their own past when they had fewer rights rather than compare themselves to white people in the present.
That TikTok creator calling for more gratitude wanted American women’s point of comparison to be Iranian women. Not American men.
Evan in The Second Shift wanted his wife Nancy’s point of comparison to be “bad husbands who did less than him.” Not Nancy herself.
Groups at the top of any power hierarchy benefit greatly from keeping the points of comparison very low for those at the bottom of the power hierarchy, lest those at the bottom look up.
This is often not conscious. Most of the men I know do want equality. They didn’t ask to be at the top of a power hierarchy, especially not above their own wife.
However, whether they realize it or not, all men benefit from the “bad men” out there who mistreat women because… well, it keeps them look pretty darn good in comparison. This crop of “bad men” keeps a woman’s focus centered on her gratitude for not being hit or cheated on instead of an expectation of equality.
By keeping the point of comparison on men who abuse women, all that is required of a man to keep a woman grateful for him is to not abuse her.
Gratitude and fighting for your rights are not mutually exclusive.
I know I’m sounding like the the thankful police, pooh-poohing gratitude as an antiquated means of oppression, but believe it or not, I’m a devoted gratitude journal-er. I plan on gratitude journaling for the rest of my days because the fruits of gratitude are delicious and beautiful. I’m a big fan.
I’m also a big fan of calling out inequality. This doesn’t cancel out my gratitude.
We can be thankful for what we have AND work towards a fuller equality. Both at the same time. We can be thankful for the improvements of the past and all the men and women who worked hard to afford us the rights we have now. And we can keep right on working for more equality.
When the above TikTok creator told American women they should be thankful because other women in the world have it worse, one Iranian man in her comment section told American women, “Our horrible living condition shouldn’t be the reason for others to want less. Keep fighting for your rights.”
As I read The Second Shift, I can see how much things have improved since the 80s and I’m thankful.
I’m thankful for the many, many improvements towards gender equality we’ve made and all the women and men who fought for that. And I write this newsletter because I believe there is more work to be done that is worth fighting for.
Gratitude is not a replacement for equality.
Comedian Lilly Singh was the first woman of color to be given her own show on late night TV. She is very thankful for that. And she acknowledges there is still so far to go. Both at the same time.
Speaking of her work she said,
“Right now, there is only one woman at the table for every three men…
We have to stop letting people weaponize gratitude. Gratitude is a great thing – it’s warm and fuzzy, it feels good and we should all practice it. But it doesn’t replace money, promotions and opportunities, and we shouldn’t have our seats at the table threatened if we don’t seem appropriately grateful to be there…
The chairs we’ve been getting aren’t the comfy ones, the supportive ones, or the fancy ones at the head of the table. No one is volunteering to give those up. We’re supposed to be satisfied with the wobbly ones, the squeaky ones, the ones that don’t quite reach the table, or somehow sit a little lower than others. After all, we should be grateful just to have a seat, right? When we finally get the coveted seat, none of us want to complain. We smile and keep trying to fix chairs that don’t quite work. Our energy is spent on making do, rather than making great."
That last part.
That’s the rub. That’s the cost.
When our energy is all spent on making do, we don’t get to the part where we make it great.
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*This post was originally published November 17, 2023.
She did. Multiple times.
White women. Women of color have a long history of working outside the home.
The movement to get the phrase “Equality of rights under the law shall not be denied or abridged by the United States or by any State on account of sex” included in the constitution is called the Equal Rights Amendment or ERA. Despite a 100+ year fight for it, the ERA has yet to be ratified and women’s equality is still not included in the constitution.
Watch the replay of last week’s Matriarchal Blessing discussion here:
A whole meal, here. As a child raised in a religious household, it never did make sense to me why my father was thanking the Lord for the food at the table, and never the earth that nurtured it, the immigrants who grew it, or my mother who curated, cooked, prepared, and served it. Generations of patriarchs bypassing humans to honor a deity tracks. As an adult, it is precisely these patriarchal fools whose ability to express utter and sincere gratitude, or offer a simple thanks to anyone, exhibit atrophy. But yes, of course, it’s the women at fault.
I can’t stand people who say “you should be grateful with what you have because things could always be worse”. These are the same type of folks who normalize abuse. There has to be someone who pushes the envelope, the status quo, in every generation. That’s literally the only way society can progress. So while some things are “good enough” for certain people, they’re not good enough for me.