A whole meal, here. As a child raised in a religious household, it never did make sense to me why my father was thanking the Lord for the food at the table, and never the earth that nurtured it, the immigrants who grew it, or my mother who curated, cooked, prepared, and served it. Generations of patriarchs bypassing humans to honor a deity tracks. As an adult, it is precisely these patriarchal fools whose ability to express utter and sincere gratitude, or offer a simple thanks to anyone, exhibit atrophy. But yes, of course, it’s the women at fault.
I can’t stand people who say “you should be grateful with what you have because things could always be worse”. These are the same type of folks who normalize abuse. There has to be someone who pushes the envelope, the status quo, in every generation. That’s literally the only way society can progress. So while some things are “good enough” for certain people, they’re not good enough for me.
This hit me so hard! how women have been told the “at leasts” as a way to suppress us. “At least” as in ‘at least you have a home’ ‘at least he doesn’t beat you’ ‘at least you have a job.’ The point of comparison being scarcity and not abundance.
"Gratitude" is weaponized as a way to force others to tamp down and neutralize the resentment, anger and rage felt by any "out group". The demand for gratitude from the "in group" that "things aren't worse" is a naked threat. "Be grateful for the crumbs I drop on the floor for you and the dog, others don't even have that. Be grateful for the warmth when I shit into your cold, empty, outstretched hands. Settle for less, or I will take even that away."
Not being able to "feel" grateful is a terrible personality flaw; demanding gratitude is the sociopathic act of an abuser. Trump embodies both.
I've seen variations on this e.g., "If you women don't appreciate your privileged position, well, there's no reason for men to be nice to you IS THERE?"
I remember watching this show on YouTube "The Smart Money Woman" and in an episode, one of the main characters asks for a raise at the law firm she works because she brought in so many clients. Her boss told her that she was getting "greedy" and she should be "grateful" that she was even made an associate. So often I think about the lens of comparison points for gratitude. The ones that benefits always want the other to be thankful for not living in the past, while the other is grateful but wishes for more because they know it's possible. Just because it is better doesn't mean one should be docile.
The starting point of those in power is flawed, and we can blame the institution of patriarchy. One toxic side of patriarchy is binary thinking. “You either have gratitude in all things, or your ungrateful.” There is the complication that gratitude can coexist with discontent. We have the ability to hold complex ideas and emotions without negating any of them. For example, at one point I was a stay-at-home mom of 4 young children. I loved them, was grateful for them, grateful I was taking care of them, and I was simultaneously unhappy and unfulfilled, feeling trapped in a life I didn’t love. How is this possible? Because people are complex and capable of complex emotions. My discontent did not negate my gratitude. I look back on that time with what Susan Hinckley has said was “1,000 regrets, and none at all.” Once we embrace to possibility that 2 or more things can be true at the same time, the argument will become less of a fight and more of a productive discussion.
So so true. Have you noticed also, that the trend towards pushing gratitude as both a virtue & a mental health tool (gratitude journals) seems to be most pushed by middle/upper class white people & others who emulate them? We have a sense of gratitude taught & cultivated in us as children, but there's very different kind that is taught to children in poorer families. Forgiveness & apologies seem very much related, and how this is taught & framed in religion can really reinforce systems of oppression. It's sad I hear so many people with less money & power support various regressive policies that hurt them because they say they are humble, grateful, hard-working etc. They will neglect their children's needs rather than apply or ask for assistance.
“Our horrible living condition shouldn’t be the reason for others to want less. Keep fighting for your rights.”
Yep. Justice and injustice should not grade on a curve.
It's telling that most of the people who raise this argument never make it about the issues and right they truly care about. I know right-wingers who are big on "Look how much worse you'd be treated inn Iran" but they'd never consider "Look how much stricter England's gun control laws" or "Look at how little religious freedom you'd have in China!" as arguments to be grateful they live in America.
Toward the ending, where Celeste writes about there being room for both gratitude and desire for change, that part was very important. I was discussing this article with someone and they were definitely pushing back against the idea of weaponized gratitude, but who can disagree with the idea that we can have both at once? Thank you!
This is why I advocate for women to *not* express gratitude towards men. And especially not for things they shouldve already been doing. We're not using gratitude as a dog treat anymore. On top of this, we should all start requiring the men in our lives to express how lucky they are to have women around and truly feel grateful. If they can't genuinely find those feelings, that's a big sign the trash has already taken itself out. And yes, I called men with broken gratitude sensors trash. And yes, it's them all, at some point. (And yes, they can change. Most just don't want to because it's working for them).
Eye-opening read as always. It's interesting how frequently the anchor for gratitude is a comparison to some place halfway around the world to mask the problems at home. The American exceptionalist elements beneath these kinds of demands for gratitude child be their own discussion, and I imagine we'd find disproportionate amounts of the attitudes you describe among white Christian nationalists in particular.
The rah-rah 'Murica comparisons, of course, never extend far enough to hold up a mirror to our own shortcomings. In Iran for instance, as we try to sell war in the name of defense of women, they're resisting quite well themselves, thank you very much. All while making up over 60% of university graduates, the majority of STEM students, and healthy shares of some unexpected professions (e.g. film directors). That's not to be an apologist for the Islamic Republic, but to point out the flimsiness of some of these comparisons, which I think shows their purpose: to brush off discontent and, as you've titled your article, weaponize gratitude. An intelligent comparative analysis was never the point.
A whole meal, here. As a child raised in a religious household, it never did make sense to me why my father was thanking the Lord for the food at the table, and never the earth that nurtured it, the immigrants who grew it, or my mother who curated, cooked, prepared, and served it. Generations of patriarchs bypassing humans to honor a deity tracks. As an adult, it is precisely these patriarchal fools whose ability to express utter and sincere gratitude, or offer a simple thanks to anyone, exhibit atrophy. But yes, of course, it’s the women at fault.
I can’t stand people who say “you should be grateful with what you have because things could always be worse”. These are the same type of folks who normalize abuse. There has to be someone who pushes the envelope, the status quo, in every generation. That’s literally the only way society can progress. So while some things are “good enough” for certain people, they’re not good enough for me.
This hit me so hard! how women have been told the “at leasts” as a way to suppress us. “At least” as in ‘at least you have a home’ ‘at least he doesn’t beat you’ ‘at least you have a job.’ The point of comparison being scarcity and not abundance.
"Gratitude" is weaponized as a way to force others to tamp down and neutralize the resentment, anger and rage felt by any "out group". The demand for gratitude from the "in group" that "things aren't worse" is a naked threat. "Be grateful for the crumbs I drop on the floor for you and the dog, others don't even have that. Be grateful for the warmth when I shit into your cold, empty, outstretched hands. Settle for less, or I will take even that away."
Not being able to "feel" grateful is a terrible personality flaw; demanding gratitude is the sociopathic act of an abuser. Trump embodies both.
I've seen variations on this e.g., "If you women don't appreciate your privileged position, well, there's no reason for men to be nice to you IS THERE?"
To your comment,I was thinking about how JD Vance and Trump made the scene when they told President Zelensky that he hadn't even thanked them.
I remember watching this show on YouTube "The Smart Money Woman" and in an episode, one of the main characters asks for a raise at the law firm she works because she brought in so many clients. Her boss told her that she was getting "greedy" and she should be "grateful" that she was even made an associate. So often I think about the lens of comparison points for gratitude. The ones that benefits always want the other to be thankful for not living in the past, while the other is grateful but wishes for more because they know it's possible. Just because it is better doesn't mean one should be docile.
The starting point of those in power is flawed, and we can blame the institution of patriarchy. One toxic side of patriarchy is binary thinking. “You either have gratitude in all things, or your ungrateful.” There is the complication that gratitude can coexist with discontent. We have the ability to hold complex ideas and emotions without negating any of them. For example, at one point I was a stay-at-home mom of 4 young children. I loved them, was grateful for them, grateful I was taking care of them, and I was simultaneously unhappy and unfulfilled, feeling trapped in a life I didn’t love. How is this possible? Because people are complex and capable of complex emotions. My discontent did not negate my gratitude. I look back on that time with what Susan Hinckley has said was “1,000 regrets, and none at all.” Once we embrace to possibility that 2 or more things can be true at the same time, the argument will become less of a fight and more of a productive discussion.
So so true. Have you noticed also, that the trend towards pushing gratitude as both a virtue & a mental health tool (gratitude journals) seems to be most pushed by middle/upper class white people & others who emulate them? We have a sense of gratitude taught & cultivated in us as children, but there's very different kind that is taught to children in poorer families. Forgiveness & apologies seem very much related, and how this is taught & framed in religion can really reinforce systems of oppression. It's sad I hear so many people with less money & power support various regressive policies that hurt them because they say they are humble, grateful, hard-working etc. They will neglect their children's needs rather than apply or ask for assistance.
Real Self-Care: A Transformative Program for Redefining Wellness (Crystals, Cleanses, and BubbleBaths Not Included)
Book by Pooja Lakshmin delves into this exact scenario and is a great read
“Our horrible living condition shouldn’t be the reason for others to want less. Keep fighting for your rights.”
Yep. Justice and injustice should not grade on a curve.
It's telling that most of the people who raise this argument never make it about the issues and right they truly care about. I know right-wingers who are big on "Look how much worse you'd be treated inn Iran" but they'd never consider "Look how much stricter England's gun control laws" or "Look at how little religious freedom you'd have in China!" as arguments to be grateful they live in America.
This is a banger!!!!
Yes, the defense of “I’m so much better than my dad/other husbands/etc” as a way to deflect from requests to do more…
I see this one often. They are unaware they merely swung the pendulum and mirror their despised father still.
I am grateful that I see patriarchy for the abusive, destructive system that it is.
As am I.
Once you see it, you cannot unsee it.
Unfortunately, it is everywhere.
Toward the ending, where Celeste writes about there being room for both gratitude and desire for change, that part was very important. I was discussing this article with someone and they were definitely pushing back against the idea of weaponized gratitude, but who can disagree with the idea that we can have both at once? Thank you!
Yes, yes - thank you for putting words to a thing I’ve felt but not been able to define.
This is why I advocate for women to *not* express gratitude towards men. And especially not for things they shouldve already been doing. We're not using gratitude as a dog treat anymore. On top of this, we should all start requiring the men in our lives to express how lucky they are to have women around and truly feel grateful. If they can't genuinely find those feelings, that's a big sign the trash has already taken itself out. And yes, I called men with broken gratitude sensors trash. And yes, it's them all, at some point. (And yes, they can change. Most just don't want to because it's working for them).
I’ll be grateful when women are fully resourced and supported and when children are safe.
I concur Sara. Well said.
I like this. "I'll smile when I see a man worth smiling for" type energy 🤝 let's keep it up.
I didn’t mention men at all.
Yes? I didn't mention that you did at all.
No no you didn’t. 👍
Eye-opening read as always. It's interesting how frequently the anchor for gratitude is a comparison to some place halfway around the world to mask the problems at home. The American exceptionalist elements beneath these kinds of demands for gratitude child be their own discussion, and I imagine we'd find disproportionate amounts of the attitudes you describe among white Christian nationalists in particular.
The rah-rah 'Murica comparisons, of course, never extend far enough to hold up a mirror to our own shortcomings. In Iran for instance, as we try to sell war in the name of defense of women, they're resisting quite well themselves, thank you very much. All while making up over 60% of university graduates, the majority of STEM students, and healthy shares of some unexpected professions (e.g. film directors). That's not to be an apologist for the Islamic Republic, but to point out the flimsiness of some of these comparisons, which I think shows their purpose: to brush off discontent and, as you've titled your article, weaponize gratitude. An intelligent comparative analysis was never the point.