Good Fruit Bad Fruit Part 4
The thrilling conclusion to my fictional story about BYU couple Parker and Alyssa. Will they get married? Will she stay in the church? Will he? What's gonna happen?!?!?
First things first, read part one here, part two here and part three here.
Thanks again for all your support this month! Parker and Alyssa would never have come to fruition without it!
If you are interested in having the whole story together in one place in a PDF - please let me know! If there is enough interest, I’ll make it happen.
“Hey I’ve got a crazy idea,” Parker says with a smirk, “Wanna go on an adventure?”
“Always.”
“Can you miss your classes tomorrow?”
“Pssshhhh for an adventure? What classes?”
Parker smiles. “Ok, stay here.”
Parker goes to his room and comes out with two pillows, a toothbrush, and a flashlight. “Alright, this is an overnight adventure. Want to stop by your place for some clothes?”
Alyssa looks down at the leggings and t-shirt she is wearing. “Eh, I find too much preparation bogs down the adventurous spirit. Let’s go!” Alyssa says as she juts out one fist in front of her and grabs Parker’s wrist with the other.
Parker laughs. “Ok ok, we’ve just got to make one stop first, then we’ll be on our way. I promise.”
They stop in at Outdoors Unlimited and Parker rents a tent, two sleeping bags and two backpacks.
On the drive Parker finally spills the beans about where they are going.
“Ok, there’s this lake high up in American Fork Canyon my family backpacked to last summer. It just popped in my mind while we were talking and I suddenly really wanted to take you there. It’s so….. well you’ll see,” Parker looks over at Alyssa and is delighted to see how excited she looks.
“Parker, thank you for speaking my nature adventure love language.”
They pack up a few snacks Parker had in his car in the backpacks along with the gear they just rented and start out on the trail to the lake. It’s about an hour and a half hike up, but its gorgeous the whole way- wildflowers, rocky peaks, wild strawberries. On top of that, their timing is perfect to catch an orangey pink sunset erupting all over the sky about halfway up. The whole thing feels serendipitous and perfect.
By the time they reach the lake it’s almost totally dark, but the moon is bright so Alyssa still appreciates how beautiful it is.
“Are we allowed to camp here?” Alyssa asks casually after circling half the lake.
“Um… I don’t actually know. I hope so? I don’t think anyone will be around to catch us anyway.”
They passed a small group of hikers on the way down about an hour ago, but they haven’t seen a soul since then. No one is around the lake.
“Ok,” Alyssa shrugs. They set up the tent together in a clear spot, but before Parker stretches out his sleeping bag Alyssa says, “Hold up, let’s lay our sleeping bags outside for a bit so we can enjoy the stars.”
“Good idea,” Parker agrees. They are both grinning like idiots as they lay out their bags right next to each other and lay down. They lucked out with a cloudless night. Of course they did. The stars, bright and mesmerizing, are playing their part beautifully.
Parker extends his arm out in invitation and Alyssa snuggles in, resting her head on his shoulder.
A small part of Parker is wondering whether this was a good idea. Camping with Alyssa feels like playing with fire. Will he be able to control himself? They’ve never shared a sleeping space before. Is this against the honor code? But everything about tonight feels so magical and so right. Plus this much serotonin feels like such a relief after a week chock full of worry and loneliness that he silences that anxious voice and tries to ‘trust the joy.’
They lay there in silence enjoying the stars for several minutes or possibly hours when Parker suddenly sits up, excitement alight in his eyes and says, “Are you tired of adventures yet?”
Alyssa cocks her head and says, “What did you have in mind?”
“Swimming,” Parker says matter-of-factly.
“Swimming?! Parker, I never thought I’d say this but I’ve been out-adventured. That water is probably freezing! And we didn’t bring any towels or any other clothes!”
“I find too much preparation bogs down the adventure.”
Alyssa laughs and says, “You’re a mad man.”
“You coming?” Parker asks flirtatiously.
“You knew I would.”
“I had a hunch.”
Parker reasons if he swims in just his gym shorts, then he can sleep in his garment bottoms while his shorts dry out overnight.
“Ok, I’ll change in tent,” Parker calls out, “No peaking!”
“Darn, guess I’ll put these night-vision binoculars away.”
“Ha.”
When Parker comes out, Alyssa is in a teal sports bra and black underwear. Guess she wasn’t wearing her garments today. Parker is never sure when or if she wears them. He tries not to care. All in all, her get up could pass for a bathing suit and not a super immodest one.
Parker walks around barefoot on the rocky dirt to where Alyssa is standing by the water’s edge. “Ow, ow, ow ow,” Parker says as he steps on little pebbles and sharp rocks.
“Aw do Pawrkewr’s wittle feet huwrt?”
“Ok, ok, we’ll see who is hurting when we get in this ice water.”
Alyssa smiles and starts to wade out and takes a steep inhale. She whines, “Oh man, it is just as cold as I thought it would be.”
Parker follows after her to hold her hand. They wade out together slowly with only moderate whining. When they are about waist deep Parker says, “Ok, on the count of three we get all the way in, deal?”
“Ok deal.”
“1…. 2…. 3!” Parker does a mini dive head first.
He comes up and sees Alyssa still standing in exactly the same spot laughing like a hyena. “Sucker!” she says and starts to head back to shore.
“Oh no you don’t!” Parker breathes as he tries to run after her. They are still thigh deep so each attempt at a run looks like they are running in jello. The second he catches up, he wraps his arms around her waist and pulls her under with him.
She isn’t standing anymore, but manages to keep her head above water. When Parker releases her and comes up, they are both panting from the cold but laughing too as she slaps the water into his face.
Soon they are in a splashing/wrestling war, laughing and heading toward the deeper part of the lake.
Once the wrestling match calms down Alyssa says, “ya know, the cold really isn’t that bad. I’m actually getting used to it.”
“See, I knew this was a good idea.” Parker grins.
“I wouldn’t have followed you if it wasn’t,” Alyssa smiles.
A new idea flickers into Parker’s mind. Sometimes Parker gets an idea and he is not sure if it’s a good one or a bad one. Like camping or swimming. Sometimes an idea comes and he knows it’s a bad one.
Sometimes, he does it anyway.
“Hey, you up for one more adventure?”
“I mean, I’m already swimming in a freezing lake on top of a mountain in the middle of the night with a mad man, what else can you possibly have in mind?”
“Ok, you can totally say no to this one, like for real, but…..” Parker hesitates. This is for sure a really bad idea, but he finds himself saying it anyway. “Have you ever wanted to go skinny dipping?” he asks cautiously.
Alyssa raises her eyebrows in surprise. “Who even are you tonight Parker?”
“I don’t even know.”
“Well, you know, it is funny you should say that because would you be surprised to hear I HAVE actually always wanted to go skinny dipping?”
“Not at all.”
“Hmm, ok then,” she says slowly. Parker’s eyebrows are raising now. He can’t believe he is getting away with all this recklessness.
“Ground rules though,” Alyssa says sternly.
“Right, yes.” Parker salutes her like a soldier.
“We take off our clothes neck deep under water in the deep end. Absolutely no stealing of clothes!” Alyssa shakes her finger.
“Absolutely not,” Parker nods.
“In fact, no touching should probably be a rule?” Alyssa says half asking, half stating.
“Yes, I think that’s a good rule, no touching.” Parker agrees.
“Ok then, adventure on!”
They take a few steps back from each other. They are already chest deep in water so both kneel a little deeper and begin de-clothing. Parker goes quickly and has his shorts held up above water in about five seconds.
“Ok, sheesh, you win,” Alyssa jokes.
Parker tries not to watch Alyssa as her head bobs up and down, but he can’t help it. He can’t see through the water anyway.
Suddenly, what they are doing overwhelms him. Oh no. A wave of desire slams into him so hard his bodily response is immediate.
His heart starts pounding. His breath is quickening. He can’t help imagining exactly what Alyssa’s body looks like underwater. Can’t help imagining exactly what it would feel like to have her body up against his. Can’t help but notice how few feet they have between them.
Alyssa finishes and holds her sports bra and underwear above the water and looks over at Parker.
Parker isn’t wearing that same goofy flirtatious expression he was just a minute ago. He can’t hide the mixture of fear and longing written on his face.
Alyssa’s flirtatious smile fades too as she reads Parker’s new expression.
For a minute they just stare at each other - two floating heads with an unspoken question hanging thickly between them in the air. “What now?”
Parker knows what he is about to do and feels absolutely powerless to combat it. Every part of her- her eyes, lips, waist, body- are like magnets sending out their force around him in a dozen invisible strings. He can’t fight it.
Slowly at first, then all at once, he’s there and they are kissing, feeling, breathing. It’s somehow simultaneously pure fire and pure magic.
…………………..
The sun has already been up for half an hour when Alyssa finally emerges from the tent. She yawns and stretches like she doesn’t have a care in the world.
Parker is a wreck. He’s been up for an hour and a half already. His eyes are bloodshot red. His body is restless. He’s been walking, pacing, poking, unable to sit still. But his mind is worse.
The screwed up last night. Bad. The baddest. The second only to murder variety of bad. By the time Alyssa smiles at him and says “Morning!” Parker is capital F Freaking out.
“Alyssa, we messed up.” he shakes his head. “We messed up, we messed up, we messed up. No I mean, I messed up. It’s not your fault. Gosh, it’s not your fault. You kept asking if I wanted to keep going. Clearly you could have stopped at anytime. It was all me. I couldn’t stop. It’s because of the porn. I just…..” Parker’s double speed speech finally slows down, “I just….. I couldn’t stop.” Parker looks at Alyssa. He goes over to her and and hugs her, “I couldn’t stop. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry Alyssa.” He doesn’t even try to hide his tears. He feels utterly unhinged.
Alyssa hugs him back and rubs her hand across his back until his breathing returns to normal. Eventually she says, “There’s no need to apologize Parker.” Parker pulls back and shakes his head. She doesn’t get it.
She continues, “You had my consent. I’m sorry you regret it, but Parker,” She pulls up his face to look at hers, “I’m not sorry. I don’t regret it.”
Parker just shakes his head as he sits against a tree and wraps his arms around himself.
After a while Alyssa gently asks, “Parker, how was last night for you?”
Parker is clearly upset. He says, “Alyssa, we screwed up. Like….. the worst sin. Like…. coming back from this….. it’s just gonna be…. a lot.”
Alyssa just looks at him. Not a mad look, just a neutral look. After a while Parker says, “What? You don’t think we messed up?”
Alyssa says slowly, “I heard once that the word ‘hamartia’ in Greek is translated as the word ‘sin.’ Hamartia is an archery term meaning ‘to miss the mark.’ Parker I’ve missed the mark many times in my life. I’ve been cruel to my mom. I’ve ghosted friends. I’ve caused harm unintentionally by my ignorance. But last night? Last night was not one of those times. We didn’t cause anyone any harm. We didn’t rob or cheat or lie or belittle or steal or punch or kick or shoot….. Do you want to know what my experience was last night?”
Parker, still sitting against the tree looks up at her.
“I felt like shooting stars were exploding all over my body. I felt so connected to you. I felt so in love with you. I felt waves of pleasure erupting over me like a volcano. I felt grateful for your tenderness, patience and vulnerability. Parker, both of my standards of holiness were unabashedly met: 1. Did it feel like love? Yes, like the deepest most tender kind of love. 2. What were it’s fruits? Delicious. Magic. Connection. What could be more holy?”
Parker stands up and hugs her tight. “Thanks for telling me that. And I never said last night didn’t feel good! It did! Gosh, it did! I wish I could just have that be enough, but I just….. I know it’s not what Heavenly Father would want us to do…. I mean, not yet. If we were married then I think it would have been holy? I guess? But not before.”
Alyssa nods and asks, “Ok. Right, so just to clarify- you think sex and arousal after marriage is from God, but before arousal is from…… Satan?”
“I mean, yeah,” Parker says defensively.
“Parker you probably know that’s not how I see it, but we’re all entitled to our own thoughts. I’m happy to leave you with yours, but if you would like to hear how I think of it, I’ll tell you.”
It is quiet for a minute as Parker thinks. “I mean, I guess I’d rather not think of us as dirty sinners right now, so sure, hit me. Tell me how you see it.”
“Ok, so.”
“Wait, let me get comfortable first,” Parker sits down against the tree again and puts his arms behind his head. “Never sure how long an Alyssa sermon will last. Ok, go ahead.”
“Fair enough,” Alyssa says as she sits down in front of him. “So, God says that men are that they might have joy right?”
“Yeah”
“And I have to assume that includes women. Although, that’s a sermon for another time,” she smiles sarcastically.
“Can’t wait. For now, yes, let’s assume women are included in the joy.”
“Right. Joy- that’s like our whole purpose, our whole thing. We exist to experience life, to experience joy and what makes this life different from the rest of our soul’s existence is that we have bodies. So I have to assume that we are here on earth now to experience life and joy specifically through our bodies.
And whatever created us, being rather clever, hot wired in a means to joy and pleasure right inside of us. Included in our programming. We don’t have to go on a desperate search for how to experience joy- through fame or popularity or movies or whatever - those are fine too but our creator left big ole joyous clues for us to discover right from birth: our own nerve endings hot-wired with pleasure. Joy centers right inside us.
And did you know that the clitoris alone has over 8,000 nerve endings?”
“Uh, I gotta admit Alyssa, my clitoris knowledge is…. lacking.”
“Yeah I got that….”
“Hey!”
“I’m kidding, I’m kidding. Anyway, it does! 8,000 nerve endings all crammed in that little bundle of joy. For contrast, the penis only has 4,000.”
“Rude.”
“Hey God had to throw us a bone to make up for the millenia of inequality.”
“Throw you a bone?”
“Gross. Anyway, every part of our body has a purpose right? Our liver and intestines are part of the digestive system, our lungs are part of the respiratory system, our kidneys and bladders part of the urinary system. Well, the clitoris, with its 8000 nerve endings- it isn’t a part of any system at all. It serves no purpose whatsoever to digestion or respiration or urine. It’s only purpose? Pleasure.
Parker, it doesn’t make much sense to me that God would put those parts there only to hand them over to Satan. I don’t think we are 90% God and 10% Satan. I think we are 100% God. All of it. All of us- penises and vaginas and clitorises and nerve endings and all. God declared all of it good. All of it God.
And our bodies aren’t on lease to Satan until we obtain a marriage license. The day before our wedding our hormones are under Satan’s control, the next day signed over to God. Arousal evil one day, holy the next like a light switch.
Our bodies are GOOD from day one. Arousal is part of that innate goodness. Bears haves sex without a marriage license and God called it good. Fish, cats, tigers, birds- sex is a natural and beautiful part of their experience, of their joy. Why would it be different for us?”
“I don’t know, it sounds nice when you say it, but it’s all so jumbly in my mind. It’s just so different from what I’ve believed my whole life, so I guess my mind is rejecting it.”
“I know Parker. And I have a lot of love for that mind of yours. I don’t want you to be different. I just hate seeing you beat yourself up by believing you are broken and unworthy. I think you are whole and perfectly worthy. And I really do want to thank you for creating something really special and beautiful with me last night. I cherish it.”
Parker smiles and hugs her again.
“Thanks Alyssa. Should we pack up?”
………………….
The rest of that day Parker is ping ponging in his mind. Part of him wants to trust the joy like Alyssa, but another, bigger part of him is back to freaking out. He just never thought he would do that. He can’t believe he did. Why did he put himself in that situation? It was too much temptation.
There’s a knot in his throat and a pit in his stomach. He feels like he is carrying a 50 ton anvil around his neck all day. He wants to lighten it, but can’t figure out how.
5:00pm finds him crying alone in his bathroom. He pulls out his phone. He pulls up his messages and types “bishop” into the new message tab. “Hey Bishop,” he types,
”I know its Friday night and you’re probably busy, but I’m really struggling right now. Any chance we could meet?”
“Sure thing Parker, I’m home now. Give me a minute to put on my suit and I’ll meet you in my office in 30 minutes.”
“Thanks,” he types.
Parker wonders if he should change too, but decides against it. He gets up, lugs himself and his 50 ton anvil over to the bishop’s office.
……………………
“Parker,” the bishop is saying across the desk, “Heavenly Father loves you.”
Parker, bleary eyed nods. The bishop’s eyes are kind, and Parker is thankful for that. Parker feels like he would deserve a scolding, but the bishop has been quite gentle with him.
“He loves you so much,” the bishop continues, “that he has laid out a plan for you to return to him, even now, through His son Jesus Christ. Since you have committed a more serious transgression, the repentance process is a little more extensive than it has been in the past for your masturbation and pornography transgressions.”
Parker nods and says, “Yeah I know. And I’m ready and willing to go through the repentance process.”
“That’s wonderful Parker- admittance is the first step.”
“Ok, but bishop?”
“Yes?”
“Will I get kicked out of BYU? Will I be able to start back up in the fall?” Parker asks, scared to look up.
“If you continue to meet with me weekly and continue the repentance process, I will be able to sign your ecclesiastical endorsement.”
“Oh good, that’s a relief.”
“For now, you are disfellowshipped however and you will need to stop taking the sacrament. We’ll take it week by week until you can return to full fellowship.”
“Ok, thanks bishop.”
“Thank you for coming in today Parker. I want you to know that I know that this church is true, that God restored it on earth today because He loves us and wants us to have guidance. I know He knows you by name and loves you Parker.”
Parker nods. “Thanks.”
“Parker? Will you tell me your testimony before we go?”
“Oh, uh, sure. Um, I know that the church is…… um, I know that Heavenly Father…… that God is good. And wants good things for us, His children, and created a beautiful earth for us. And that He wants us to have joy. Um, in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.”
“Amen. Thank you Parker. I’ll see you on Sunday.” The bishop stands up.
Parker stands up too. As he waits for the bishop to open the door he says, “Ok, oh and bishop?”
“Yes Parker?”
“Will you have to tell Alyssa’s bishop?”
“We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.”
“Oh, ok.”
…………………………
Alyssa texts Parker to hang out the next day, but he is still so raw and confused. He wants to figure how to think in his own mind before Alyssa confuses him further. He tells her he is so tired and needs to rest, which is also true.
On Sunday, Parker has been back in his apartment home from church all of fifteen minutes when there is a knock at the door. It’s Alyssa.
“Oh hey,” Parker says.
“Hi,” Alyssa smiles.
“Do…. you want to come in?” Parker says as he opens the door wider, but Alyssa can see two of his roommates eating cereal in the kitchen so she suggests they go for a drive instead. The car is the closest thing to privacy a BYU couple gets.
Parker starts the engine and pulls out of the parking lot, but immediately pulls over to the side of the street to give Alyssa his full attention once he hears her say, “So my bishop called me into his office this morning.”
Parker’s heart stops. “No.”
“Yeah. I guess you talked to your bishop? Sometime before today?”
“Um, yeah, I talked to him Friday night.”
Alyssa nods and asks, “How did it go?”
“Um, ok, not as bad as I thought it would be. I just needed to clear my conscience you know? Um, I have to go through the repentance process, but the good news is that he will sign my ecclesiastical endorsement for next year if I keep meeting with him.”
“Oh, that’s good. If it makes you feel better, then I’m glad you told him.”
“What did yours say?”
“He asked what happened between us Thursday night. He pressed for some details I didn’t think he needed, but I gave him the gist. He said if I don’t go through the repentance process with him, he won’t sign my ecclesiastical endorsement.”
“So you’ll keep meeting with him?” Parker asks holding his breath.
Alyssa just looks at him and slowly shakes her head.
“What did you say?” Parker asks.
“I told him I don’t see a need to repent seeing how I didn’t harm anyone or do anything wrong.”
“Oh no.” Parker feels like there isn’t enough air in the car.
Alyssa continues, “He said Heavenly Father would disagree. So I said well then I guess that is between me and Heavenly Father. He explained God works through his servants. I told him I don’t think God created some of His children to have more access to Him than others. I have just as much access to God as the bishop does. He again asked if I planned on repenting by meeting with him. I said I did not. He asked if I would like to attend a disciplinary council for my excommunication.”
“Oh no. Oh gosh. Oh gosh.”
“I said I don’t believe in anyone issuing a definitive statement on someone else’s worthiness, much less a group of middle aged men getting together to vote on a college girl’s worthiness. He said the disciplinary council would happen with or without me, and my stake president would send me a letter with their decision.”
Parker’s head was in his hands. He was still whispering “oh no oh no oh no” to himself.
His first feeling was shock, but the more seconds passed, the hotter the wave of anger boiling in his gut becomes until finally he smacks the steering wheel and erupts, “What a bunch of assholes! I asked! I asked my bishop if he would have to tell yours and he didn’t answer. What an asshole! And now they are excommunicating you?! Ugh! Bunch! of! Assholes!” He accentuated each word with another smack of the steering wheel.
Parker very rarely cursed, so it meant more when he did.
Alyssa let him ride his anger wave while she sat there keeping her thoughts to herself.
Parker wished she would be angry and cussing too. “Aren’t you pissed?”
“I mean, yes, the whole thing is very inconvenient.”
“You say without any trace of anger.”
“This morning I took a spin with each of the five stages of grief. I let out quite a few grunts of frustration. I imagine I will probably have a good cry again tonight.”
Parker gives her an unimpressed look. Then asks, “Are you mad at me? It’s ok if you are.”
“No, I’m not mad at you Parker. You are just doing your best with the rulebook of ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ you were handed that you were forbidden from questioning. Same as your bishop. Same as my bishop. All of us are just bumbling around trying to act out whatever definition of ‘goodness’ we’ve got in our own minds.”
“Ha.”
“What’s so funny?”
“They are crucifying you and you might as well have just said, ‘forgive them for they know not what they do.’”
Alyssa shrugs. “Casting them as the villain wouldn’t accomplish much. It would only corrode my inner peace. Funny you should mention Jesus though. I did get my ‘cast no villains’ philosophy from him.”
“Huh.”
“What?”
“I never noticed before, but the ‘villains’ or not villains, but bad guys I guess in the New Testament were all….. the religious people. I always thought we were the disciples in that story, but I think us church-go-ers actually act more like the Pharisees.”
“I think Jesus would take issue with the phrase ‘bad guys.’ But you’re right, the ones most certain they have the truth typically have the most to learn. And cause the most pain.”
Parker nods and then is quiet for a while as he allows a whole host of feelings to pass over him. Suddenly he says, “Wait, you’re not gonna like, leave the church are you? Like, you’re going to keep going to church right?”
Alyssa looks at him and says sadly, “Parker, they don’t want me. Not the real me anyway. They don’t want my opinions or ideas. They only want me if I agree with them. And anyway, I’ve been itching to explore new spiritual paths for a while now. I’ve spent so long exploring this one, just think of all the lovely wisdom and beauty I’ve missed out on.”
“No, no Alyssa, no. You can’t. I know the church has… issues. I know it’s not perfect, the bishops can be pompous jerkwads, but that doesn’t mean the whole thing is not true. That doesn’t mean the doctrines aren’t still good and true, just the culture has issues and the culture isn’t enough to throw the baby out with the bathwater.”
“Parker, the culture isn’t the problem. The doctrines ARE the problem. Don’t you see? Everything wrong with the culture- perfectionism, queer exclusion, racism, judgment- all of that is something wrong with the LDS God. I just……. it’s time to learn from some new teachers.”
“Right, but you can explore new paths and still go to church. And anyway, it’s not about if we like it, it’s just about it being TRUE. It’s about the church being the one true church.”
Alyssa gets a curious look on her face as she examines Parker and says, “Parker, there are over 4000 religions in the world and only one true one? What are the chances it would just happen to be the one we were born into?
There are hundreds of thousands of versions of God or Gods in throughout cultures and history, and only one correct version? What are the odds that it just happens to be the God taught in America, In Utah in 2023? There are millions of ideas out there about what happens when we die and only one right one? And it just so happens to be the one our parents taught us?
I’m no mathematician Parker, but those odds have got to be 10 million to one. Just astronomically unlikely. Statistically speaking.”
Parker can’t think of any way to retort that logic. She is making him feel a little silly.
Perhaps she picked up on how he was feeling because she softens and says, “Look, I just, I feel like…… not like I’ve outgrown the church, but that I’ve out-loved it. My love wants to splatter all over this earth like buckets of multi-colored paint. It’s itching to be free and make something beautiful, but I keep being told to reign it in. I want radical love for my body, my pleasure, for fun, for queer people, black people, poor people, women, non-members and ex-members. I want to radically love myself and all my flaws and imperfections without stipulation or pre-requisites. I want that for every single person. I just can’t keep my love confined to this box anymore.”
Parker understands where she is coming from. A little anyway. But this whole thing just fills him with so much grief it feels overwhelming. Eventually he decides to make one final plea, “Alyssa, they’re gonna kick you out though. Listen, you can still go to your bishop. It’s not too late. Honestly it’s not that bad meeting with them. You mostly just pray and read some scriptures. You can do it Alyssa, just… say you’re sorry and they’ll let you stay.”
“But Parker, I’m not sorry. I’m not sorry for what I did and while I don’t think having sex has bad fruits, I do think agreeing to play by rules I disagree with would. It would strengthen their system to put the judgment of my worthiness in the hands of these men. I don’t believe my worth is something that can go up or down, much less be put on trial. It’s like saying they are holding court to measure the worthiness of a tulip. Or a tiger. It makes no sense. No, I can’t strengthen a system that feels so wrong to me.”
“I know, but Alyssa you won’t be able to start school in the fall!”
“I know. Parker, I’ve been thinking a lot about that and….. I think it’s time to go back home to Maryland. Time to explore some new paths I think.”
“No,” Parker says sadly, “Please, no. Don’t go. Please.”
“I’m so sorry Parker, I really am. But, I came here to say goodbye.”
……………………………
Monday night finds Parker lying in bed. He didn’t go to his classes today. He didn’t go home for Sunday dinner last night. Any calls or texts that have come in, he checks to see if its Alyssa, and if it’s not, he doesn’t respond.
It hasn’t ever been Alyssa.
He can’t believe she broke up with him. If anything he thought it would be him breaking up with her. His parents told him to. His bishop told him to. And now she’s gone and done it herself. And yet, he doesn’t want to see his parents or his bishop. He just wants her.
His feelings and confusion are all too much, he blocks everything out and plays video games for a few days alone.
He doesn’t check who is calling or texting anymore.
He doesn’t care.
………………….
After three really rough weeks, Parker is finally starting to emerge from the fog. He managed to pass all of his spring term classes, and he thinks he is ready to face his parents again.
He knows they’ve been worried. They sent his older brother over to check on him once, so they know he is alive. But they don’t know about Alyssa.
She’s gone. She packed up and left as soon as she finished her last final.
They had a few more conversations online where Parker tried to change her mind, but it did no good.
Now, it’s Sunday morning. Parker is still so hurt that his bishop would go behind his back and tell Alyssa’s bishop what Parker confided in private. He skipped church the last two Sundays just to avoid seeing him.
He decides to drive home and surprise his family by going to church with them. Besides, he wants to see Isaac.
Parker pulls up to his home ward building 20 minutes late, conveniently just after the sacrament. He planned that well.
He slides in on the bench next to Isaac puts his arm around his shoulder. Parker leans forward to wave to the rest of his family all in their usual seats fourth row back. Everyone seems genuinely happy to see him.
It’s fast and testimony meeting. Whoops. He forgot to fast. Again. Oh well, he discovers he honestly doesn’t care.
A member of the bishopric kicks the testimonies off. He is saying how lucky we are for modern-day revelation. For a prophet. Ya da, ya da. Parker starts tuning out until he hears him say he is so glad Heavenly Father issued the Proclamation on the Family so we don’t have to guess what He thinks about marriage. Everyone is so confused these days, but we have the truth. There is no need to speculate, we know marriage is only between a man and a woman.
Ugh! This guy knows about Isaac. How does he think things like that make Isaac feel? Does he ever even think about that? Parker wishes he could cover Isaac’s ears. He wishes it were Alyssa at the pulpit instead of this guy.
Thankfully the bishopric member doesn’t drone on too long, and now a mom is up there. She starts crying before her first sentence gets out. She says she knows our sacrament hymn “I Stand All Amazed” was inspired. Then she quotes, “I marvel that he would descend from His throne divine to rescue a soul so rebellious and proud as mine.” She continues, “Brothers and sisters my soul has been rebellious and proud but even to a sinner such as I, He extends His great love. I am confused at His grace, but I stand all amazed. I am so thankful for a Heavenly Father who loves us.”
Parker is sitting there with two sets of ears. One set is hearing these messages as he always has. They are nice, faithful messages from the heart. But now, he has this other set of ears hearing these messages how Alyssa would hear them. He knows this woman would make Alyssa sad. She is making Parker sad too. Why should we be so confused to receive grace? Why can’t we think ‘of course we deserve grace’? Why is our default rebellious sinners?
The next woman up is older. She looks to be about the age of his grandmother. She is saying that while two of her children have strayed from the path, she has faith that eventually they will come back to the truth so that they can live together forever. She is so thankful families can be together forever through Heavenly Father’s plan.
Parker’s new set of ears asks why can’t we live with our parents anyway? Why all this pain here and now in this life over an uncertain cruelty in the next?
When this woman sits down, there is a bit of an uncomfy silent stretch. Parker knows there’s no way he is going up. He worries if his mom goes up- will she say the same thing the last woman has? She has a son who has strayed, how tragic, but God is still good?
But no, a man is approaching now. Oh no. Not Brother Jones. His last two years of high school, Parker went to the 12-step Addiction Recovery Program every other Saturday morning at the church. Brother Jones did too. Their group was specifically for pornography. Brother Jones has five kids of his own. He’s been fighting the same worthiness shame as Parker, but for even longer. Decades maybe.
Ugh. The thought that Parker would have to live with his own self-loathing for twenty more years like Brother Jones has makes Parker ill.
He wishes Alyssa were here.
He wishes Alyssa were the one at the pulpit right now teaching all of us how to love ourselves- REALLY love ourselves. Not because of a God saving us from damnation, not because we earn it, but just…. because.
Brother Jones is echoing what the first woman said- he too stands all amazed at God’s grace.
Parker starts subtly shaking his head when a new thought enters his mind: what if all this pain, all this shame, all this fear- what if all of it is…… for nothing? What if none of it is actually necessary? This woman’s guilt over being human, the grandmother’s pain her sons will not live with her in the afterlife? Isaac’s shame that he likes boys? His fear it will cost him salvation? Parker’s own shame- mountains of it- for porn, for being lazy, for gaming, for not being more selfless, for sleeping with Alyssa and for liking it- what if ALL of that daily pain was just….. unnecessary?
Oof.
Parker wishes he could stand up on the pew right now and scream to everyone, “HEY! WE DON’T HAVE TO HATE OURSELVES!! We don’t have to spend every year of our lives apologizing to our creator for being what we were created to be!!! Sorry for being gay, sorry for having sons with free agency, sorry for wanting rest, sorry for having nerve endings that feel good when touched, sorry for being human!”
Parker’s heart is pounding. His brows are furrowed. He has a headache. He can’t listen to Brother Jones for another minute. Every part of him is screaming to get out of there. He gets up, walks out the door of the chapel, then out the door of the church.
Two blocks north of the church is a park. The park is surrounded by a few acres of woods. He walks through the park and into those woods. His heart is still pounding, but slowing with each passing minute.
He sees a big, wide oak tree up ahead. With the sunlight shining through the leaves, it looks rather majestic. Like a king tree. He walks off the trail and up to the big oak tree. He sits at its base and rests his back against its trunk. He doesn’t care if his suit gets dirty.
Suddenly all he wants to do is rest. He relaxes the muscles in his forehead, his jaw, his shoulders. He closes his eyes. He takes a deep breath way down into his lower belly. Then another. And another.
Until eventually the beating of his heart in his head has subsided.
He notices how many birds are chirping in the trees around him. Five of them at least, having whole conversations with each other in a language he wishes he could speak.
He opens his eyes and watches them chirping happily to each other. What are they saying? “Hi! Good morning! Found some worms over by the oak!” Parker wishes he could be a bird. Not have to worry about God or girlfriends or gay brothers or porn or marriage. Just food and friends.
He closes his eyes again, and suddenly he notices how fragrant the woods are. All the spongy, fresh smells of spring time- new flowers, trees and decay right after rain. It feels nourishing just to smell it.
He opens his eyes and sees a bright green leaf sitting on the roots next to him. He picks it up. It’s so perfect and symmetrical. It feels velvety. It is soothing to rub it between his fingers.
Parker remembered something Alyssa told him once when they were eating pie together- that her favorite part of the Jesus story was the incarnation. She imagined God sitting up there watching His creations preaching against their bodies with all its evil appetites. Then they had the audacity to say that He Himself hated bodies. The bodies He created! So He rolled up His sleeves and decided to set things straight. He would just have to come down there. In one of these bodies everyone was so convinced was unholy. And show us. Show us that our bodies aren’t ungodly, for here was God IN a body, IN our bodies. Not later, in another life when everything is perfectly spirit, but here, now. Smack in the middle of this mortal mess- heaven. God in the carnal. God incarnate.
Parker notices a cherry tree across the trail. The cherries look big, ripe, almost black. He stands up, walks over and picks a few. He brings them back to his oak tree perch.
He puts one in his mouth slowly and closes his eyes as his teeth break the skin. Deep red juice explodes in his mouth like a firework.
It is delicious.
He smiles.
At last. Some good fruit.
You writing fiction deconstructing my childhood beliefs is my new favorite genre. Thank you for all your work with this. It was fun and beautiful. Now I’m just sitting over here with my buckets of paint trying to figure out where to splatter them. I’m not entirely sure where my Maryland is, but I’m figuring it out.
You tied it up perfectly! Sad but hopeful for both Parker and Alyssa. This reminds me of the LDS book Charlie, except with a much happier ending in my views. :) thank you for sharing and putting so many of our experiences into writing.